The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[dede4wd]

Zinkette,
I read your WHOLE journal, cover to cover just now. I SO feel your pain! I have a family that I don't fit in with either. Every cousin finished law school, every woman is beautiful and married "up". Here I am, a road dog with nothing in my life...but funny stories! Everything Nancy wrote in your journal was PRICELESS!

I want the purple dress (although I've never worn purple!)

I think it'll be GREAT for you (the move), you can get away from some Toxic people and concentrate on your new life!

I'm so glad you're doing well on the program and I wish I would have been able to meet you while I was here, but I have to head out at 0-dark-30 tomorrow!

I also think your avatar photo looks like Eva Longoria, so that's two votes!

DeDe

[Zinkette99]

Well dede I think your life sounds more interesting then most! The thought of a job that takes me to so many different places seems quite glamorous actually. AND I love staying in hotels. Your family might have the degrees but you have the history and stories of an interesting life. I'd rather be like you. I think life really is about a great story. I bet you have loads.

Tonight has been rough eating wise. I am exceptionally hungry today. I have already eaten all my meals! And its not even 9 pm! Thats including an EXTRA shake! Oh well. I didn't eat anything non-MF. I am not going to worry. I drank another 100 oz of water though. Water makes all the difference. Tonight might be rough though. Usually when I get home from work I am pretty famished. If it gets really bad I might just have an extra RTD. Yes I realize that will be TWO extra meals for the day but it's better then going into the pantry and doing something REALLY bad.

[dede4wd]

Way better than doing something extra bad!

Everyone thinks my life is glamorous, but I see airports, truck stops, hotels, venues and that's it. Every hotel looks the same, every venue is a new headache for me. Every artist, athlete, racer or talent is a PITA and weather plays WAY too big of a factor in my life! Walking a mile in my shoes, most people wouldn't want my life! Try having a social life...NOT! Road food, carnival food and the pain of being away from EVERYONE got me into this boat, my job made me fat! Okay, I made ME fat, but I'm working on it!

You can get through today, I KNOW It!

DEDe

[Zinkette99]

Ugh I weighed today and I am back to 254. Which is still lower then I expected to be by now but I was SOOO excited to be 252.6 a couple of days ago. I think I know why though... I slipped up and had a spoon of PB last night. I was starving. I messed up but oh well. I am going to attempt to full fast this week for at least a couple of days. I want to be 249 a week from today. Is this possible? I think so.

GET ME OUT OF THE 250'S!!!!!

[Zinkette99]

This is one of the worst days in recent memory.

My father has been living with my husband and I for almost 2 months. While I appreciate the things he has done for us (we don't have a car right now so he really has been great about getting us to work and the like) I am constantly reminded of how burdensome all this is for him. His help has not come without a price. Its been frustrating to be living under "his" roof again even though its our house, we pay all bills, we pay for his gas, we pay for the food in the house. We had to put our dog outside because he did not want a dog living in the house with him. My dog is like my baby and its been very hard seeing him out in the yard so lonely and sad.

My father and I argue a lot. Mainly over money. He is constantly telling us we owe him money. I don't know how. I really don't. He lent us money to get our house. For 3 months I was paying him half my paycheck every pay period to pay him back. He has received every cent of it back. I feel very weird having money issues with a family member. It has strained my relationship with my father.

Today when I asked him if my husband could drive me to work in the car so he could get something to eat on the way home my father just looked at us like we were both morons. I then had to ask him if Chris could have some cash so he could get something to eat. (To explain that, my dad convinced us to put our paychecks in his bank account. So basically we have to ask him for our own money when we need some. It was a mistake to do this but my father intimidates me.) He rolled his eyes as if this was a huge deal. I feel bad but I snapped. I said "Dad, it's our money. We have a right to ask you for money when we need it." All of a sudden... he SCREAMED at me. I mean ROARED. I was so scared. Chris just stared at him and then at me. It was so humiliating to be screamed at in such a manner. I am 25 years old. And to be humiliated like that in front of my husband... I couldn't handle it. I had to leave. I was in tears and it was 15 minutes before I had to be at work. I was so flustered I forgot to pack my MF stuff.

What made it worse was on the way to work Chris didn't say anything. Not that I want him to be in the middle of an argument between my father and me but I guess... I guess I thought he would stick up for me. I am his wife. I thought he would at least say "Hey don't scream at her like that." Something. I feel so alone right now. My husband simply just said "Its not my business." I feel like no one is on my side. That sounds so childish but I needed him. I have never been so embarrassed.

I am in tears at work, this is so embarrassing. I feel completely alone. Sorry, guys.

[Zinkette99]

Aaaaand I just ate 2 pieces of pizza at work. This is what happens when i am not prepared.

This is not a good day. Even this site, even looking at my numbers couldnt keep me from eating that pizza. I am pathetic!

[Jen]

From what you post, your dad sounds like a very toxic person. I think you might need to talk to a counselor or therapist about that. I can't see any reason why your father is in control of you and your husband's paychecks. That is scary.

Don't let him make you feel guilty for living YOUR life.

[jump4joy]

Oh wow Zink! Where do I start? I'm just going to plunge in here and stick my nose in......

First of all, you are NOT ALONE. AND you have nothing to be sorry for. I've had a terrible habit of saying "I'm sorry" to everyone all of my life, so I do understand.....

You are in an INTOLERABLE situation. Your father is a toxic person who MUST have CONTROL in order to feel important. He's determined to be the KING of your household and make you his sniveling, fearful, but grateful SERVANTS. You are an ADULT now and NO LONGER under his rule. Some parents just can't let go of telling their children what to do after they're grown and no longer have that right. They're addicted to that POWER and control, and will retain it at ANY COST. Please don't give away your rights and self-respect to HIM, Zink!

First! You must open your own checking account as soon as is humanly possible. Get you and your husbands paychecks set up immediately to go into that new account. Then, are you or you husband co-signers on your father's account? Apparrently not, if you have to ask him for $$, so you'll either have to: ask him calmly to write a check for the amount of the $$ you have in his account (god only knows how he talked you into that in the first place....he's wiley, I'll give him that!). Or you may have to "smile at a snake" and somehow get/trick him to give you YOUR $$ (tell him it's temporary or something). If all else fails, you may have to write off your loss as a lesson learned.....but DON'T let him have ONE more dollar of you $$ as soon as you can MAKE IT SO.

Next....you need to get him OUT from under your roof...this just isn't working and will only GET WORSE over time, and I think you know that. I know you love him, but he is TOXIC to you.....it's like you're breathing POISON every day you live with him, and he's KILLING YOUR SPIRIT. I know my advice (unasked for, I know!....but I really care and I feel fiercely protective of you right now!).

Your situation just makes me want to CRY, sweet girl! My advice is HARD but I know it's the RIGHT course for you to take. If you do, your dad will pull out all the stops to make you feel like the WORST, MOST UNGRATEFUL daughter on the earth. You must do it though, if you want to have any kind of peace and the happiness that you deserve. Please don't allow this twisted, but sad old man CRUSH you and all of your hopes.

Please forgive ME if I've over-stepped my bounds, but dearest Zink.....I care about you and I'm appalled at your situation. I was verbally abused all of my life by my parents and some siblings. I was told so many times that I was "worthless" that I believed them. I've sorrowed many years over that and it wasn't until my 40's that I began to finally believe in and love myself. My heart just weeps for you....

Joy

[alpha femme]

without going into detail, my partnership ended in large part because of control given to my ex's very toxic parents.

i cannot imagine telling you what to do-- but i also cannot imagine why you would want to live like that.

i did not truly feel like an adult until i was 27 or 28. maybe you still don't? i don't know. but how long do you want to stay in your situation? it may cost you a lot more than pride in the long run.

take care.

[DogMa]

Zink, your father is scaring ME, and I'm not even there. You need to get out of this situation.

I know none of us are there, but please do listen to everyone's advice. Something has to change for you, and soon.

[Zinkette99]

Thank you all very much for your kind and honest words. I feel much better now that a couple of hours have gone by. Now the guilt sets in because I feel like I AM ungrateful for what my father has done. He raised my brother and I by himself since we were 12. And its like I am constantly having to be reminded of that "She left you. I didn't. Therefore you can never be upset with me"

I know I have to take responsibility for my own actions. My husband and I are newlyweds who just haven't grown up yet. And it sucks. My father says putting our checks in his account helps us. Due to our bank account being in Nevada it has been difficult to get another account out here because of some stupid check writing I did when I was younger. (I bounced a couple of checks when I was younger. NOT ON purpose. Just to clarify) So instead of having to pay fees to cash checks my father offered us his account. So I feel guilty now speaking so badly of him but he HAS made it difficult to get money and it is hard to keep hearing "You owe me You owe me You OWE ME." I would never in a million years try to rip off anyone much less my own family. If I owe something I pay it. I hate being in debt to anyone. It's hard fighting your father. I am torn between obeying him and trying to take care of myself. I am 25 afterall.

I don't know how I ended up here. And its effecting my marriage. It's effecting EVERYTHING in my life. I feel physically drained all the time.

The good news is, this week we move to FL and my father will not be with us any longer. It's so bad though that I don't know how I can make it the bext 3 days even...

I feel so horrible because I do love my father but it's harder and harder for me to respect him or want him in my life as much. The fact that I can say that and know it's the truth horrifies me and makes me feel incredibly guilty.

I think it's time my father did let go of his kids and find his own life. And I can't worry about what will happen to him anymore. I just can't.

You all mean so much to me, you don't even know. Joy, thank you especially. I love y'all I truly do! Sorry to get so personal on here but I don't really have too many people I could talk to about this.

And sorry I cheated guys. I don't even like pizza that much. Just goes to show I have a long way to go.

[jump4joy]

I'm so glad you're feeling better now, Zink. I think you're beating yourself up too much over the pizza. There's probably not ONE of us here who hasn't eaten something forbidden in response to emotional stress. I still do, now and then.....it's hard to learn to unhook our emotions from turning to food to relieve stress.

I'd forgotten that you were moving, and I can't help feeling such HUGE relief for you that you are! It can't come SOON enough, IMO. Be prepared for your father to act up even MORE in the days leading up to your move. If you can, be like Spock (did you ever watch the old Star Trek series?), don't react to any tantrums or snide remarks.....just observe in a "detached" way if he acts "illogically".

I feel so horrible because I do love my father but it's harder and harder for me to respect him or want him in my life as much. The fact that I can say that and know it's the truth horrifies me and makes me feel incredibly guilty.

I relate to what you said about this. I've felt the same guilt for YEARS. Thinking, "what kind of person feels this way about a PARENT??"....I thought I was a horrible, ungrateful person. I came to know, after many years of work on this, that that just isn't so. I was punished by my family because I was BORN. My mother had an affair, and I was the result. I was punished for being a LIVING REMINDER of my mother's adultery. I was considered a "mistake", and "shouldn't have been born". I never knew this until I was in my early 20's. I always knew I'd been treated differently, but I didn't know why. I was an innocent victim, but in my parent's eyes, it was somehow my fault. I KNOW toxic people when I meet them.....I've been surrounded by them all of my life, and because I was "soft", a peacemaker, a pleaser, I was an easy target. THAT'S why your post hit me so hard....it was too close to home!

As you grow in years, you'll come to see this situation with your father in a different, and in time, even a compassionate light. One of the stages you might go though is anger.....I was angry about the abuse I suffered while growing up, in my 30's and early 40's. Now, I feel a sadness, but a compassion for parents who were emotionally "damaged" themselves, and didn't know any other way. I've learned to accept what *IS*, to accept the things I can't change and have no control over. That reminds me of a poem/prayer that I've seen often:

"God help me to have the COURAGE to change the things I can change,
to ACCEPT the things I can't change.....And the WISDOM to Know the Difference."

Joy

[DogMa]

Wonderful posts, Joy. And I'm SO glad you're moving, Zink, but Joy's right, this is the time he's going to act out even more. Do whatever you can to get through, and tell yourself over and over that it's almost over.

And stop worrying about the pizza. Joy's right about that, too. We've ALL been there. The important thing is to move on and not let one incident sabotage your entire program.

[Zinkette99]

I really thank you all for all of your kind and wise posts. It got me through today. Yeah, so I cheated. I cheated big. But one day of cheating is not going to make all 13 pounds come back. It might bring a couple back but I can lose them again and more this week. I am not going to let it get to me.

Which is a huge step since normally this would have killed my program completely. That's what happened last time. I let one big cheat day make me quit the entire thing. By now I could be 80 pounds slimmer. But thats ok. I WILL get there eventually.

I think moving is going to help A LOT. I can start walking more. I live on a fairly busy road right now so I can never walk. I love taking my mp3 player and walking a mile or so. It pumps me up and my weight really melts off MUCH faster when I walk. I will be in great weather. I will be jobless! So I will have a lot of time on my hands to concentrate on me for a week or so. I have so much stress running through me. I am looking forward to starting all over again.

Ugh. Next time I promise not to spill so much of my guts. I usually don't take myself so seriously. But life sometimes can suck. Only I can make it not suck. I have to stop depending on other people's approval for happiness.

[DogMa]

Don't sweat it. Writing it all down, and "talking" it over with virtual strangers can help a lot. I know it sometimes helps me see things more clearly if I just write it all down.

You're going to be fine. (And I'm envious of the great weather. I really want to walk more in my new neighborhood, but it's just too darn hot here right now.)