I'm so glad you're feeling better now, Zink. I think you're beating yourself up too much over the pizza. There's probably not ONE of us here who hasn't eaten something forbidden in response to emotional stress. I still do, now and then.....it's hard to learn to unhook our emotions from turning to food to relieve stress.
I'd forgotten that you were moving, and I can't help feeling such HUGE relief for you that you are! It can't come SOON enough, IMO. Be prepared for your father to act up even MORE in the days leading up to your move. If you can, be like Spock (did you ever watch the old Star Trek series?), don't react to any tantrums or snide remarks.....just observe in a "detached" way if he acts "illogically".
I feel so horrible because I do love my father but it's harder and harder for me to respect him or want him in my life as much. The fact that I can say that and know it's the truth horrifies me and makes me feel incredibly guilty.
I relate to what you said about this. I've felt the same guilt for YEARS. Thinking, "what kind of person feels this way about a PARENT??"....I thought I was a horrible, ungrateful person. I came to know, after many years of work on this, that that just isn't so. I was punished by my family because I was BORN. My mother had an affair, and I was the result. I was punished for being a LIVING REMINDER of my mother's adultery. I was considered a "mistake", and "shouldn't have been born". I never knew this until I was in my early 20's. I always knew I'd been treated differently, but I didn't know why. I was an innocent victim, but in my parent's eyes, it was somehow my fault. I KNOW toxic people when I meet them.....I've been surrounded by them all of my life, and because I was "soft", a peacemaker, a pleaser, I was an easy target. THAT'S why your post hit me so hard....it was too close to home!
As you grow in years, you'll come to see this situation with your father in a different, and in time, even a compassionate light. One of the stages you might go though is anger.....I was angry about the abuse I suffered while growing up, in my 30's and early 40's. Now, I feel a sadness, but a compassion for parents who were emotionally "damaged" themselves, and didn't know any other way. I've learned to accept what *IS*, to accept the things I can't change and have no control over. That reminds me of a poem/prayer that I've seen often:
"God help me to have the COURAGE to change the things I can change,
to ACCEPT the things I can't change.....And the WISDOM to Know the Difference."
Joy
Motto: The time will pass whether I diet or not.