Friday I fell off the program. I was very stressed at work, frustrating mistakes were made by others that I had to fix, and I started to think about how good certain foods would be that night, how good it would be to have a drink.
Since I started this on the 16th, I have had these thoughts pop up, but been able to look at them from an objective standpoint, and say "Hmm, look at that, interesting" and just keep on having shakes or hot tea, or distracting myself with other things.
This time I let my brain go off running, thinking about MF's expense, how I should just go back to Weight Watchers, how I can do this without buying special foods, I can control myself - Tomorrow. At the same time I was trying to talk myself into going back to WW because I could successfully control my food intake, I was contemplating this binge. Today I clearly see the insanity in this, but last night it seemed really ok.
I went on auto-pilot to Price Chopper, bought a frozen pizza, wine, sushi, pre-made stuffing with gravy, and tater tots. In the back of my mind, I saw that these were all carbs, my old standby for food=drug. I paid my $28 and left... back at home, I popped in a movie, and proceeded to eat everything except for the tater tots, along with 3 cups of wine.
But I noticed while I was doing this HOW IT FELT physically and mentally. Unlike other times in the past, I was aware of overeating. Not enough to stop while doing it unfortunately, but it was there.
I've noticed that since I have been on MF, foods taste much stronger than before. Maybe because the hunger edge makes my taste buds more sensitive... but the wine I drank last night tasted so strong, bitter, acidic - despite being the same brand I bought in the past. The food was good, but... I knew I was not being good to myself.
I went bed feeling very sad and disappointed in myself. Before I went to sleep though, I lay there, and thought about what I just done, and how the other days on MF had felt. And I saw that when I was on MF, I was happier, my moods were better, my body felt healthier, I had more confidence, all so much more positive and healing than how I had felt when I binge ate.
I told myself it was all right, not to beat myself up for it, but to see it as a mistake made on 1 day, and that tomorrow I would get right back on the plan. My wanting to beat this disorder was doubled. I swore the next time I fell into thinking about bingeing, I would find non-food ways to relax: hot baths, tea, a nap, a walk, journaling, cleaning, whatever it took to get through the bad times. I also am going to get myself help for the need to overeat, which has nothing to do with hunger but is all about the opiate effect of overwhelming the body with food.
Today I have been following the plan, and I am planning on bringing all tempting foods to my parents tomorrow. I don't want to have them nearby, easily accessible. I want to be operating in a "clean" environment, and to know that foods that got me fat are in a store, miles away, and that they can stay there.
Ugh... a bad day... but it was yesterday. It is in The Past and I'm moving on.
I did want to be honest and tell you all I slipped. I was going to keep it to myself but it's better to just get it out there, and know that I'm not alone in struggling. This is tough, but MF is already starting to teach me things I did not know before. It is truly making me much more aware of my motivations, and my past pains, and how much of this is MENTAL. Weight Watchers never did that for me... it focused me on an obsession with Points, and the exact digital readout on a scale weekly, but it didn't teach me how I got so unhealthy. This is.
Finally, I am NOT going off Medifast. The expense is worth it, and after only a week on it, I can feel my body healing. Sounds cheesy but it is true
I'm not giving up without putting up a fight. Sometimes I miss my old eating habits the option is always there....It's nice to know that I'm not alone and I have the support of this forum....Faithchild
for your help! It's good to know people like you are out there, being successful DESPITE cravings, and very successful at that.
Are you not hungry enough to drink them on schedule? Too busy? Don't like the taste? I've only been on MF a short time but I know that the key to this whole thing is getting the shakes in, on time, every time. If you let your blood sugar get low, forget it, your resistance to "bad food" is so much weaker!
Bodies are not too smart. They can want things that are really BAD for them because of shallow reasons, like, duh, "it tastes good!", "it's my habit!", "I want to feel food comatose NOW." But you can talk it out of this, using your more powerful brain. I'm not saying it's easy... I just fell off the wagon, so I know the struggle is hard!
nurse and 
healer.
Yes! 
but Woo Hoo! you are back to 
shakin' and 
we will getcha to your goal!
good we feel on Medifast and how 
high fat/sugary over-loaded stuff slip into the old trap, eh? 
.....Faithchild
dreary and damp.
slumber sack this morning. I've been trying to figure out what's wrong with me.
Why am I wiped out?
Leopard Woman skipped meals, too?)
We will never be able to eat the way we USED to eat; if we do, we will LOOK like we used to look, FEEL like we used to feel, WEIGH what we used to weigh (or more), THINK poorly of ourselves like we used to think, WATCH others doing fun things and being happier and then we will DIE earlier than is necessary.
big gulp of water and hit the treadmill!
All aboard! Thinsville here we come!
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