The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[explorthis]

I have a pretty good friend (guy) that is about my stature, he has always had a weight problem, as I did. He is about 30# overweight now. We have spoken many times about Medifast, he is completely supportive, and still is. When I started Medifast, and began losing weight to the point I shared it, he decided to do something about his weight. He (because we eat together and hold each other accountable) lost about 25 pounds since I was losing. Tell me this was not a competitive thing, though he would never admit it!! I know for a fact it was a competitive thing. Ya think? Typical man thing, or is this a woman thing also? Anywho, he successfully dropped that 25#, and still (according to him) has about 25 to go. I weigh 224 and he weighs about 245. I think he looks fine (a Clooney he is not – lol) I know he is faithful to maintaining while in my presence, at home is a different story.

I lunch with him regularly. He is real lazy, and will not bring his lunch. He lives about 10 minutes from work. I, 99% of the time bring my rations, and we trek to his house where he makes his lunch, and we play cards or watch TV while eating.

On Friday’s we go out. I generally order the same thing (actual items omitted to protect the Medi-public) from generally the same place. My order (regaling today’s escapade) comes with a small side cup of mayonnaise laden macaroni salad (sorry for the exact item – this is a point) I never eat it, and he knows it, so he grab’s mine, with my approval, and eats both containers.

Here in lies the problem for me. Why do I secretly want him to eat this? I feel like I should be the one that gets the glory, from losing the weight, not him. I am not a bad guy, and I would NEVER take any glory from him, but the mean part of me secretly wants him to eat this additional portion, so he does not get close to me in weight. We (while walking around the building twice a day) talk frequently about weight, when I hear he has lost a pound or 2, it does not make me mad, but it sort of knives me in the side. Dang it, he lost a pound or 2!! When he says, oh the scale did not change, or that he gained a pound or 2, I secretly feel “ah-ha” good!!

Why am I like this? I don’t like this side of me. This is not me. This is not the Mike I know. I want him to be what he wants/needs to be. I could care less what he looks like, or what he weighs – common, he is my great friend.

So, why do I fret over this?

Hiding in shame.

[cdixon]

Mike I sympathize entirely -- when I first started looking at this board a streak of jealousy and envy came over me. Reading all of the posts about weight lost (1 pound or 100 it didn't matter) made me feel jealous. I wanted that for myself too! In fact, it may have been the envy that pushed the envelope for me and made me start.

[Amanda]

Hi Mike,
I feel like that alot. If I see a thin pretty girl walk by, I wish she would get fat or fall on her face. I think it's because since I've gained weight my self esteem has went down, and I am jealous of girls who are thin without dieting, even jealous of girls who are thin with dieting. I think it's because we have all tried to lose weight and failed so many times that it's hard for us to understand or see why it works for them and not us. That's how I feel anyway. I have always been a very competitive person, and if I were in your position I would probably feel competitive about losing weight as well. Even though someone elses weight loss does not effect me, I know how hard it is to lose and watching someone else (who is lazy and who gets to eat the 2 servings of macaroni) who can do it so easily makes me angry inside. I've never really examined this feeling of min until now, I mean if my boyfriend looks at a thin girl it makes me jealous, because she has something I don't --a thin body. If he looked at a pleasantly plump girl like myself I wouldn't feel the same jealosy because I know she has nothing on me. I don't know if any of thi helped you, but none the less know you are not a bad person for thinking this way. We may need to work on how we relate jealousy to weight loss but it dosn't make you a bad person. If anything I think it's good we realize how we feel and that way we can make steps on changing it.

Amanda

[Marseilles]

Well Mike..ya see, its like this:

Mainly you are a <bleeeeeep>

I am so teasing, as you know by this stage of our conv's...you are human. Its refreshing, to see it. It ISNT a guy thing, I can tell you with all sincerity. Women are not just competative, we are CRUEL. -Any- woman that tells you otherwise is lying through her teeth..most would not just give a silent cheer but would flat out plan ways to sabatoge their girlfriends weightloss...invite them to lunch and HIDE fat somewhere in it..that sort of thing. A white russian with heavy cream instead of fat free moo-juice..or maybe thats just me and IM horrible!!

Okay, so maybe not quite that bad..but you get my drift. As far as self esteem issues and things, Im not so sure about that either, although I respect the opinions of those that give them..I think it is more like for once and for all..you are HOT! -YOUR- hard work has paid off and YOU have the body you desired for so long..and you WERENT and ARENT lazy about it, YOU followed the regime...let me paraphrase:

1. I fat
2. I diet
3. I lose
4. I learn

Dont worry too much about not wanting to share your glory Mike..its yours and yours alone. You dont have to feel bad for wanting to do just a little bit better than your buddy, it doesnt make you crappy and evil..just human.

The real Mike IS standing up and standing proud..and I for one, think he is a helluva guy. The mere fact that you feel poorly about not cheering quite loud enough for your friend speaks volumes about your character Mike..rest easy!

-M. the wise!

[Marseilles]

hahaha...apparently even the use of the word 'bleep' in brackets as though censored is unacceptable and truncated..but know that I didnt actually call you any names..promise :P

-M.

[saira]

hey mike

i totally agree wut the other ladies are saying....i can understand...u worked you butt off for something...and its only understandable you want your glory....i am the SAME way. it wasnt easy what you did..and that is why you are so respected here....i have only been here a few days and i can tell....so i think what marseilles is saying is true....ur only human! and the fact that you admit this litte incy wincy gliche in your persona shows you've got great character...

rooting for ya
saira

P.S. by the way...today was day 3 and it was MUCH better than day 1 and day 2....i'm happy i got through it....now i am setting new goals for myself....you like others on this forum are an inspiration....i couldnt have gotten to this point if it wasnt for all of u....

[ILOVEMY DOG!]

I think it also comes from how our society shapes our psyche in realtion to body image. Once you have been on both sides of the street (heavy and lighter) you are given a rare chance to view all three sides of the story - his, his, and the truth. The truth is that you know it takes hard work for you to lose a lot of weight. You also know what it is like to feel uncomfortable and unhappy with your apperance. You also know what it feels like to be proud of yourself for taking care of your body and health. Unfortunantly, our society rewards people for how they look and less (most of the time) about how they feel or what they contribute. The person walking past you on the street does not know that you worked hard to lose weight. They notice what you look like and that you are an attractive person. When you are around folks who have no idea that you were ever heavy they may even make a mean comment about larger people. These attitudes can creep into the human psyche it is only natural. I feel however the very fact that you question your pride means that you are truly a kind soul. Remember that you are ever evolving into the person you wish to be and that knowledge is a great gift. You have been blessed.

[Landylue]

"Come into my parlor." said the spider to the fly. . .

It's called the crabbing effect, Mike.

Have you ever seen a group of crabs in the bottom of a bucket? One will climb on the back of another in its attempt to escape from the bucket, while at the same time, another crab will grab hold of the first crab's leg to pull it back down.

I simply cannot see the Mike I've grown to respect and look up to so much during the past few months being like one of those crabs in the bucket. But, if you were, the behavior wouldn't be bothering you.

Suggest you apply the Golden Rule to this issue and 'Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.' Ask that the macaroni salad be left off of your order, Mike, or throw it away.

Landylue

[Carrie]

I can relate Mike. I think the basic answer is 'you're human'. I have these thoughts, matter of fact they're pretty much automatic.

Years ago one of my not-so-close girlfriends lost weight and looked GORGEOUS. I remember thinking 'why her and not me?'. It's hard not to have some uncharitable thoughts. This is something I have wanted SO BADLY FOR SO LONG. And to see someone else get it, when I don't, is painful. It doesn't also mean somewhere in my grinchy heart that I am not happy for them, because I am, but that doesn't stop my ego-centric id from crying 'WHY NOT ME, I DESERVE IT MORE THAN HER!!!!! ME ME ME'.

To be painfully honest, I have these thoughts about thin people too. Sometimes I am mad at them because they are thin and I think things like 'They have no idea what real struggling is like' or 'They can't possibly know what it is to feel like this' And I attach some kind of shiny badge to them, like they don't have any REAL problems and are so fortunate.

Mild versions of this are things like feeling dissatisfied when I see someone here losing weight so much more quickly than I am, or wishing I could just jump ahead to maintenance. Or even something like thinking that it was so easy for Nancy. That's me projecting that onto her ..... I'm sure there plenty of days when it wasn't easy for her.

Being overweight is a disease of negativity. We are completely down on ourselves for it, and for me anyway, that spills over into my thoughts of other people. I guess I'm not nice enough to have it not. But I am nice enough to realize that I'm doing it, and that it's not rational or really a reflection of who I am or what I actually think, it's just a knee-jerk self-defense mechanism....... designed to insulate myself from the cruelties of living in an anti-fat world. It's the adult equivalent of a second grader crying out 'oh yeah, well I don't care what you think!', precisely because he/she desperately does care what others think.

I experience this in other ways too. People use me as an excuse to eat whatever they want. I have a relative who has never, in my opinion, had a weight problem. Never been more than size 12 and she's 5'7". But in her mind she constantly struggles to be thinner. She actually paid $6,000. to have 4 pounds of fat sucked out of her thighs. Anyway, though I know she loves me, I also know that one of the reasons she likes getting together with me is that it gives her a 'free ride' to indulge. Somehow going out with your token fat friend gives thin people permission to eat. And I can damn sure tell you that she appreciates knowing how much better she looks than I do when we're out. It's gotta be a bigger ego boost than going out with her girlfriends that are smaller than she is. So, what happens if I do lose this weight and can 'compete' with her again? I imagine it'll be an adjustment for her, but in her heart of hearts she loves me and would be happy for me.

For most of us who cannot ever aspire to be all that Ghandi or Mother Teresa-like this a facet of our human nature. Doesn't mean you aren't a good or kind person, it just means this particular chip is still sitting on your shoulder.

Carrie