The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[Jeanette]

Who's sabotaging your diet?
For calorie-counters, best friends can become worst enemies

By Sarah Lindner

(reprinted from the Austin American-Statesman)
AMERICAN-STATESMAN STAFF

Monday, January 26, 2004

When you start trying to shed pounds, you focus on things that you control: calories, carbs, crunches.

But there's one weight-loss factor that's pretty much out of your control: other people trying to sabotage you.

A friend of mine found this out during a get-together when she told another guest she was skipping the rich appetizers because of her diet.

"Oh, come on, you know you want to," the saboteur cooed. "You have to let yourself have some fun."

Feeling pressured, my friend gave in. I felt bad for her, but I had to admit I wasn't surprised, since I've been working on weight loss myself. In the four months it's taken me to drop 31 pounds, I've heard about spouses and parents who bring home tempting foods, relatives who relentlessly push second helpings and friends who snipe instead of cheer.

Whatever plan we're using to lose weight, sabotage is one thing we all have in common. And how we deal with it can make or break our efforts.

What, no seconds?

So why do people go all weird on us?

It's not that they don't want us to lose weight, says Austin nutritionist Alexa Sparkman. They may be gung-ho about our goal -- as long as they don't have to change. If you expect your bagel-loving wife to cut carbs along with you, don't be surprised if she tries to lure you off the protein path.

People may not want you to change, either. When they see you trade nachos and TV for salads and Pilates, "it's kind of like seeing someone dye their hair purple," says Susan Frates, a nutritionist and fitness instructor in Boston. They may just need time to adjust to the new you.

Pam, a 35-year-old Oregon mom, is one of my online weight-loss friends (the Internet community we belong to has 574 members). She brings up another saboteur motive: the "we'll all be bad together" mentality. She's lost more than 120 pounds while braving the siren songs of "Have some! Live a little!" and "What! You're not having cake?" at social gatherings.

Weight obsession is rampant, Frates says, and it puts us on the defensive. If you respond "There's no way I'm eating crme brlée" when your friend tries to coax you into dessert, she may hear "and you shouldn't eat it either, honey."

If you make people feel guilty, it's human nature for them to want to knock you off track, Sparkman says.

Another dieter, 26-year-old Tina from Georgia, likes how a friend of hers summed it up: "Your skinny friends want you to stay fat because they don't want you to steal attention from them. Your fat friends want you to stay fat so they won't feel like they failed."

The stealth defense


What are you supposed to do when the mere mention of weight makes people touchy?

"Don't tell anyone you're dieting," warns fitness consultant Debbie Trotter of Premiere Lady Fitness. She knows about diet sabotage from working with clients, and from losing 60 pounds herself.

Saboteurs won't attack your behavior if you don't call attention to it, she says. At happy hour, why point out that you're getting a Diet Coke instead of your usual rum and Coke?

At some point, though, you'll have to say no to food you don't want. Think about how you'll respond before you get put on the spot, Sparkman says.

A firm "no, thank you," with a big smile and a quick change of subject, hasn't failed me yet. A coy "oh, I really shouldn't . . ." signals you'll cave. Don't make a big deal out of what you're eating or not eating and others won't either.

You're never obligated to explain that you're trying to lose weight, Frates says -- even when you're turning down food.

You're less likely to provoke saboteurs if you say you're eating differently for health reasons, a far less volatile issue than weight, Pam says. And by bragging about things other than dropping a pants size -- more energy, clearer skin, better sleep -- you're disarming saboteurs who want to accuse you of "starving yourself" and being unhealthy.

Humor also helps. Try Pam's response to food pushers: "No, I'm allergic to cake. I break out in fat when I eat it."

If a saboteur makes a backhanded compliment like "you're too hot to hang out with us now," just smile and agree that yes, you are pretty hot, Trotter recommends. (Come on, you know you are.) You're asserting yourself while still keeping things light.

If you feel too shaky to just say no, a little white lie is OK. Tell your co-workers that pizza gives you heartburn, or ask your mom to wrap up that second helping for you because you're too full right now to enjoy it, Trotter suggests. (Mom, bless her, has no way of knowing that you'll toss it.)

Close to home


Diversionary tactics are great, but you need a different strategy for those closest to you -- spouses, parents, best friends. Their support means the most, and their sabotage can hurt the worst.

First, cut them a little slack, Frates says. Your family may not be doing just what you need, but are they at least trying? No one knows instinctively how to help. Give them some time to figure things out.

It's not sabotage if your family doesn't want to make the same changes you do, Frates notes. Tell them what would help you, listen to their concerns and then work out a compromise. Instead of banning chips, ask your wife if she minds hiding them in the cupboard for a while so they won't tempt you sitting out on the counter. Be prepared to make your own meals -- even if you're not the usual cook at home -- or to take your own food to family gatherings. My brother and sister-in-law shun many veggies, so I bought my own provisions when I visited them at Christmas.

When someone close to you attacks your weight loss, fighting back won't help.

If your spouse says, "I feel fat next to you now," Frates suggests responding, "I feel healthy. You're welcome to join me in what I'm doing, but I love you just the way you are."

If your best friend acts bored or hostile when you tell her you're back in your skinny jeans, she may be struggling so much with her own weight issues that she can't give support. Instead of trying to prod her into being happy for you, Frates says, tell your friend that you need a break from thinking about weight loss and want to have some fun. Suggest something that will distract you both -- like going CD shopping or taking a knitting class.

Remember, though, that sometimes the saboteurs might be right, Sparkman says. If you find saboteurs at every turn, you're probably not using a plan that fits your life. Choose a new approach that won't make you so miserable.

Sabotage-proofing


Assuming you're on a healthy plan, it's time to take on the No. 1 saboteur.

You.

"If you allow people to sabotage you, it's because you're sabotaging yourself," Trotter says. In other words, you might blame your co-worker who brought in brownies after you eat three of them, but the real problem is that you were ravenous after you skipped breakfast.

How can you set yourself up to succeed?

* Plan what you'll eat, plan how you'll refuse what you don't want and most importantly, plan your day so that you never get too hungry, Sparkman says. If you've gone hours without eating, you're bound to let the host steer you toward the queso.

* Choose where you see potential saboteurs. If a friend always goads you into going for the cheeseburger, meet her for coffee instead of for dinner, Frates says. Or plan something active, like a walk or a night out dancing, Trotter says.

* Tell others how much it motivates you when they acknowledge all the healthy changes you're making, Frates says.

* If family and friends aren't helping you, join a gym or a support group to find people who inspire you, Trotter says. Or look online. Pam says one of her strongest supporters is a <do-not-post-URL>bulletin-board buddy whom she's never met in person.

* Stop blaming, Pam says. The fries your friend talked you into at lunch aren't as much of a problem as the candy you ate at home because you'd already "blown it" for the day. It's your fault, not hers, that you got off track.

* Support yourself. Tina uses mini-goals and rewards -- she's buying a new CD when she loses 10 pounds. Trotter says visualizing herself at her goal weight helped her succeed. Pam collects inspiring quotes.

* Take responsibility. Other people aren't making us do anything. "There's always another choice," Sparkman says.

Going beyond moral support

When someone close to you is trying to lose weight, it's hard to know the best way to help. Does she want to talk about it? Does he feel self-conscious? What if your compliments come out all wrong (`Wow! You've lost a ton!')? Weight-loss experts interviewed for this story offer these ideas.

* Ask what's helpful and what isn't.

* Be honest about what you are and aren't willing to do. Maybe you're OK with keeping cookies out of the house, but not cereal.

* Don't become the food police -- it just makes the other person resentful and rebellious.

* If you prepare meals, ask how you can modify them. Offer to clear the table and put away leftovers so the other person won't be tempted to nibble.

* For a while at least, let the other person pick a restaurant he's comfortable with when you go out. Offer to split an entree (you probably don't need that super-size portion either).

* Compliment changes you notice that aren't weight-related, too: `Your eyes look sparkly' or `You look more energized.' Remind the other person she isn't just a number on scale -- give compliments about all her other good qualities (`You've been doing so great at work.')

* Don't go on and on about what an easy time you (or your brother, or someone at work) had losing weight. You may think it sounds encouraging, but the other person can hear it as accusatory.

Online support

A strong support system makes it easier to resist weight-loss sabotage. One of the quickest ways to connect with others who share your goals is going online. Internet communities are a great place to share ideas, find motivation or just vent. Sites such as weightwatchers.com, <do-not-post-URL>and <do-not-post-URL>(which features the Atkins and Zone diets, among others) have forums for followers of those plans. Or you can search sources such as Yahoo groups for communities.

[Indigo]

GREAT POST, Jeanette!!!! Thank you!!!!

[Jeanette]

Thanks! You know, this might do good under the FAQs section...do you think?

[finalstraw]

I second, GREAT Post!

[Indigo]

Definitely worthy of FAQdom!!! Do you want to try uploading and 'sticky-ing' it or should we call on Unca_Tim? I have clearance as a moderator- does that mean I can do it?

[Unca_Tim]

Good idea girls,
I'll sticky it for now. When we get a few more, i'll make an "Inspirational Room" and move them all in there. Give me a holler when you see one that rates "stickydom"

Unca

[HD]

Jeanette,
Wonderful post, You must have read my mind for knowing the problems I'm having at work. I was telling Mike that I have to find a fast exit to run from food and now I feel like I have more ammo to fight with. Thank you from the tip of my chubby little toes to the top of my graying head.

[LUVZHUZKYZ]

great article.
I have a food sabatoger, A family member. Good thing I only see her a few times a year. Because of seldoming seeing her every meeting is an event with tons of food and dessert. She is quite thin and not an ounce to lose, but she makes sure my plate is piled high. In the past I have declined certain foods or desserts and they are piled on plate anyway.
I've heard lines like
"you live once"
"that diet can start tomorrow"
"you gotta try this"
"thats all you are eating"
that lines gets to me the most. Why would she be concern how much is on my plate.
I have been thin and heavier than I am now. No matter what the weight is I feel like i'm on display as to how much or how little I eat. I am seeing her and other family members at her house in a couple of weeks and I'm already having nighmares. I've gotten to the point where her remarks make me angry and I dont want to come across as that. She does not know I'm on a liquid diet and I can just imagine her remarks. I swear she does not want me to goal

[explorthis]

great article.
I have a food sabatoger, A family member. Good thing I only see her a few times a year...
She is quite thin and not an ounce to lose, but she makes sure my plate is piled high....

In the past I have declined certain foods or desserts and they are piled on plate anyway....

I've heard lines like
"you live once"
"that diet can start tomorrow"
"you gotta try this"
"thats all you are eating"
that lines gets to me the most. Why would she be concern how much is on my plate.

No matter what the weight is I feel like i'm on display as to how much or how little I eat. I am seeing her and other family members at her house in a couple of weeks and I'm already having nighmares. I've gotten to the point where her remarks make me angry and I dont want to come across as that.

This fries me to no end. I am very outspoken as you can tell. Friend, foe, family, or stranger, stand up for yourself. Make it known this is the last time you will tolerate this from her. This is your time, wheather she or they know your dieting, or liquid dieting, or not. This is YOU. Make it known you WILL NOT TOLERATE this again. Do you really care if you upset her? Do not let these feelings bother you or be fearful or have "nightmares" about this. You are creating this circumstance. If it were me, I would blatently TOSS the plate aside, or get up infront of everyone and dump it in the trash. Let her know in NO UNCERTAIN terms, this is the last time for this!!!

GAWD, I just detest people of this nature, family or not, and I believe we need to take a stand for OURSELVES.

Is she going to be so upset with you that you never speak again? Is she worth it? To me someone that is hurting or trying to hurt your progress in anyway, diet or not is not worth the time.

IMHO!!

-Mike

[moutoncove]

Damn Mike I sure like your no nonsense attitude. When you know what you want go for it. My kind of man.

Brenda

[LUVZHUZKYZ]

hi mike..
can I take you with on this family outing? LOL
You are very right. She is controlling with everything in her life including controlling other people. To be honest with you I don't know how her husband lives with her!
I have a plan ( not so much of an outspoken one) What ever food is piled will be left on the plate. And as to her comments about.. tomorrow is another day.. etc...I will tell her...I have a food plan I follow and that food isn't allowed. If I get more grief.. then I will let her have it.
I know it is out of jealously as she is the 'thin' one and relishes in it. She eats and eats and works out for hours on end. I'm glad she has a great metabolism but I won't allow her to sabatoge me any longer. I already know her plan, there will be all my faves from soup to nuts to chips to dessert... I know her like a book.. but I will reframe and If i'm alil edgey... LOL I just might tell her off... LOL LUVZ~

[explorthis]

hi mike..
can I take you with on this family outing?

I will tell her...I have a food plan I follow and that food isn't allowed. If I get more grief.. then I will let her have it.

I know it is out of jealously as she is the 'thin' one and relishes in it. She eats and eats and works out for hours on end. I'm glad she has a great metabolism but I won't allow her to sabatoge me any longer

You may take me along anytime you want... I would enjoy nothing more than going along with you or any of our friends here for support.

The jealousy thing: Stop this right now. You probably as I have been jealous of other people (thin people) for eon's . Now its your turn. It's time to think of you, and only you now. The time has come to put you first, and not worry about oothers (with obvious exceptions) ANYMORE. YOUR TURN.

Don't tell her anything, about your food preferences. It's none of her business, how or what you are doing, unless YOU want to let them in. You are doing this for you, only you.

Live the moment, a pound or 4 at a time. It is coming off, you have proven it. Let the balance come off, and live life making the others jealous!!!

-Mike

[TamiL]

I had to throw my 2 cents in here....MIke is sooooo right...you go girlfriends....dont let anyone sabatage you and your quest for GLORY!! I was always told when I was little "your such a beautiful girl..if you would only loose a little bit of weight" and in the same day..my family was shoveling itallian food down my throat!! they had no problem judging me...they loved me, however, they didnt know what helped and what really HURT!! so maybe your the type to BITE Your tounge's..or maybe your strong enuf to say "you worry about whats on your plate..and ill worry about whats on mine!!"

all I know is this...no matter what anyone has to say to me, or what anyone thinks of what I am doing....I WILL SHOW THEM ALL!!

Living well is the best revenge..and for those of you who dont know me...my husband left me 3 years ago..just dropped a bomb on me by telling me he didnt want to be married anymore...a year later, come to find out he had fallen in love with some solider as he was in Korea for a year, but couldnt be man enough to tell me!! so to all the people in my life who have used me as a door mat...or thought I wasnt good enough for this or couldnt do that...in 3 years time..I became a firefighter...and in however long it takes me to get this weight off....I will get HOT..in GREAT SHAPE..and get myself in the BOSTON FEMALE FIREFIGHTERS CALENDER 2005-6..and make DAMN SURE MY X-HUSBAND gets a copy of it!!

dont let anyone discourage you...we WILL SHINE LADIES AND GENTS!!!!
dont give up....
no ones stopping me now!!

Happy...even if IM achey and HUNGRY and tired on Day #2....one day at a time!!

Tami

[LUVZHUZKYZ]

LOL you are right..
I am not going to tell her about my food plan. In fact she will think, oh yea another diet, another failure. I will just not EAT...
Thanx for the support.. you guys are awesome...

[Guest]

I just read through this entire thread, and I feel like standing up, waving my clenched fist in the air, and yelling , "YEAHHH!!!!"

Jeanette, Tamil, Mike, you are my pillars. Please don't go anywhere. We all need you!

Tamil, you are WOMAN, hear you ROARRRRRR! You go girl!

Landylue