The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[Serendipity]

I posted this in Tawanda's journal:

T, I'm coming to realize that I will never have a healthy relationship with food. I will always be fighting the battle in my head, eating too much and the wrong things at times, feeling guilty for it, cutting back to make up for it, etc., etc., etc.......ad nausium. My progress is in accepting that fact and moving on, managing this affliction in my thin life. So far so good.

I'm just wondering what the rest of you maintainers think about this subject. Do you think your relationship with food will ever be normal? Do you think that you think about eating and food in general more than a "normal" person? Do you obsess about food/exercise too much?

Normal for me is really being obsessed with what I put in my mouth. Good or bad, I still obsess about it. If I've had a good few days, I find myself looking for something sweet or carby "since I've been so good and my weight is at a good place". If I've had something "evil", I have feelings of regret and disappointment, and find myself planning not to do it again.

Do I need therapy? If you all say you don't feel this way, I'll obsess about that!

Not to worry about me, though. If this is my hell, I can live with it.

[Lauren]

Hey, Jo -

Don't fret, little lady, I am totally crazy in terms of food, and I don't expect that to ever change. I don't generally have the problem of eating foods I feel guilty about, but I always eat large volumes of food that won't affect my weight (veggies, fruit). This way I can continue the act of eating, which is and always has been my vice, but not hurt the scale. I don't feel guilty about it, because it is what works for me, and has continued to work for me throughout the transition. But, seriously, I could sit and eat like 3 cucumbers in a row! :-) For me, fortunately, it's not generally about the actual food - like I don't need cookies or cakes or whatever, I just need the act itself (I used to smoke too, so it's an obvious oral fixation), so any old veggie or fruit will do.

Now, with that being said, I 100% totally completely without question think about food WAAAY more than any "normal" person. When I leave my home every day, you'd think I was packing for a road trip! :-) I carry little ziplocs of celery, carrots, string beans, apples, whatever, as if I was about to be stranded. And I am the same way with water and diet soda, I carry a lot of that too! For some reason, the idea of being "stuck" somewhere, anywhere, without something to eat, freaks me out. It's not that I will necessarily eat the stuff, I just need to know I have it. I used to be the same with my cigs. I couldn't leave the house without them, even though I knew I'd pass 15 different groceries that sell cigs, it gave me anxiety to feel that I'd be anywhere and not have them if I "needed" them. So, for me, I think the food thoughts and carrying issues are more about anxiety, it keeps me feeling less anxious to know that I have my food issues "covered" for the day. But, what's interesting is that as long as I do have them, and I am prepared, I feel calm and fine, no anxiety. So, I guess it works for me.

Look, I've said this on this forum before , and I will say it again. Most (if not all) of the folks here are not here because we just enjoy a little food. Just enjoying good food might make a person 15 or 20 pounds overweight. But to become obese or morbidly obese, we have real substantial issues. And I don't believe the issues are about food, the issues are about US, and we just use food to treat our issues. Some people use alcohol, others use cigs, drugs, gambling, whatever. Some use them all. But we chose food. And while therapy can help, and other means of support are all very useful, I needed to figure out a way to treat this particular area of my life NOW, while continuing to work on the inside part that could take way longer. So my solution was Medifast, and my maintenance solution is to keep running and exercising and enjoying activity, and eating crazy amounts of veggies and other healthy foods, and simultaneously work hard to try to "fix" the stuff that makes me need the food. But it's a helluva a lot easier to address my internal stuff when my external stuff is so much healthier, and when life is so much more enjoyable. Does that make sense?

Jo, the guilt thing does nobody any good. Try to come up with a way to take some of the power away from the food. It's just food. You lived all those months on oatmeals and puddings and soups, and you were happy and thriving and you really didn't miss the other stuff. That stuff didn't matter when getting to your goal was the most important thing. So now you just have to find a new goal to continue this mindset. For me, it became running, and getting myself in the best shape before surgery. And when that's done, I'll set another one. Come up with ways to fool yourself so that your head is still "in the game." Or, eat the goodies once in a while, and then exercise a little more to compensate. But don't feel guilty, because your little Jo-Rebellious streak will come back, you'll say "screw this" and that's when you'll have a problem. You're too good for that and you've come too far, we won't let it happen!

XOXO

Lauren

[Serendipity]

Ya know, Lauren, my head was in a much better place while I was on program. Maintenance has been more of a challenge for me, not with my weight so much as with my mind. I really am beginning to think that this will be normal for me, just as carting around all of that food and drink is for you. None of it is normal, but so much better than the alternative.

I think I would be better off just staying away from my trigger foods completely, but in my desire to be normal, I tease myself with them. I'm not at a point where I want to say "no more" of those things. I will say that there are many things I have been able to say that about. I don't eat pizza, pasta, chips, crackers. I have no desire for those things. I don't crave ice cream.....I can't even say I crave sweets or carbs. It's just that I have them at times and feel guilty about it because I remember how I used to abuse them. I may be playing with fire here, but so far, it's just discomfort.....all in my head....oh yeah, except for 1 or 2 rebellious incidents that we are trying to forget.

[bikipatra]

You're still my hero, Joleen. But you still can't have the pearls.

[Serendipity]

I usually get what I want, eventually.....with patience......mmmmwwwwwaaaaahahahahahaha.

[Unca_Tim]

I usually get what I want

You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you just might find
You get what you need

[Serendipity]

OK! I NEED THE PEARLS!!!

[Tawanda]

Jo (& Lauren) thank you for starting this thread.

I did not have a healthy relationship with food from about the age of 18. Even though I was thin from birth to age 36 or so, I stayed thin because I was young, active (chasing little ones, doing aerobics and running 3.5 miles 5x a week) and worked on keeping myself from gaining while I ate all that I wanted. Once I stopped running and doing the daily exercise (due to moving out of town and starting a new job that didn't allow me the same amount of 'free time' to exercise), the weight began 'showing'.

I will stop worrying about having a 'normal' relationship with food after reading what you've both shared. Instead, I will work to find a way to compensate for being food focused. Perhaps I'll need to do as Lauren does.......I can eat but making it healthy choices and also as Jo does and avoid some/most/all of my old trigger foods (pizza, chips, cookies, peanut butter toast......the list is very long but none of it 'must eat to live' items).

I've got a lot to think over on how to have a battle plan for the rest of my life........but knowing that it may not be possible for *me* who use to abuse food (and my body with lots and lots of food) and have it be my drug of choice, to count on ever having a normal outlook about food and eating -- well, it is a bit freeing and sounds so much more likely to be successful for the rest of my life.

Thank you both for sharing.

[Serendipity]

well, it is a bit freeing

Yes, it does take off a bit of the pressure to be perfect......a common trend in the overweight mind.

[Tawanda]

I tend to expect perfection from myself. Not from others, but I hold myself to a higher standard. My thinking has been that I must attain the highest level of perfection possible for a human. I believe it came from hearing the message constantly while I was growing up that I was never smart enough, good enough or going to amount to anything worthwhile so don't even bother to attempt it. The "I'll show you" attitude only gave me the quest for perfection.......which, of course, I could never attain.

I wonder what ball and chain thoughts I've given to my children? I tried to encourage, tell them how worthwhile, capable and proud I was of their accomplishments and how they were living their lives......hopefully they have much healthier self esteem than I had (but who knows.........LOL).

[bikipatra]

Perfection is often an excuse not to try or to do nothing at all since it can't be "perfect."

[Nancy]

Dear Jo ~

Hmmm…Normal? What’s that?

Who, me? Normal? Nope.

Good topic, Jo!

For a long time I thought I ate food just because it tasted good, because I had uncontrollable cravings, ‘cause I was hungry, etc.

Similar to what Lauren mentioned, after some time, I realized it was not so much about the food itself, it is about me, my head stuff and I had to figure out the ‘why.’

During my weight loss phase, I truly sought to learn the reasons why I overate. I came up with some reasons such as learned behaviors and coping mechanisms and I learned that some of them were merely excuses to cover up some pretty ugly ‘me stuff’ - I learned that if I wanted to maintain a normal weight, I could never view food the way I used to – in some ways, I cut off my relationship with it and am learning to deal with the emotional reasons for overeating in different ways.

Walking off my stress (Lauren, you go, Girl! You run, I walk and sashay!); talking about my fears and anxieties with others whose input I value, reading and attending seminars, and applying the very things we learned during the weight loss phase (virtually following the BeSlim Philosophy) which takes care of the physical needs of my body.

Oh, yeah, Tawanda – there is much in my head about not measuring up, the need to be perfect and right…the need to be in control, the stuff about me that drives me cwazy also drove me to food. I couldn't undo some of the negatory crud from my past so I had to learn to not allow the past to become my present or to affect my present situtaion. I do my best to make my 'now' the best I can, to improve on my current reality. I also learned that if I hadn't experienced some of those cruddy things, I wouldn't be who I am at this point. We are a result of all those previous experiences.

I rather love the current YOU, Tawanda. You are a great person - very caring and attentive.

Keeping the refrigerator and car stocked with appropriate foods has become very natural for us and my desire for many of the foods I used to consume by the truckload has gone away. Yet, there are times. Jo that I just wanna eat stuff. And it is not necessarily the healthiest stuff either.

When I feel an 'eatage' episode coming on, I tell my husband or friend and we talk it out. That helps immensely and stops me from doing great foody damage.

I used to falsely think that there were ‘good’ and ‘bad’ foods and that I was ‘good’ or ‘bad’, depending upon what and how much I ate. There is not a moral quality about food nor am I morally right if I choose romaine and celery over french fries.

I have learned that I can really have whatever I want; I just cannot eat as much of it as I used to and as frequently as I used to. In some ways, Lauren, I’m with you – I’d rather eat a big wad of veggies – a mega plateful of salad rather than a dablet of fettuccine.

Jo, I am a person with a food problem and I feel I will always be a person with a food problem; I am learning to manage my mind and my actions towards grub but I doubt that I shall ever be totally cured and truly ‘normal’ but then again, we can’t climb inside the brain of a person who has not experienced the weight challenges that we have faced.

I have friends that are of a healthy weight and they tell me that all through their college years/the 20’s/the 30’s/the 40’s, etc. all through their life, they make conscious choices about what and how much to eat, they just don’t talk about it but they think about it and then they do it.

Lauren, I would say at this point in my journey, I am not quite as pre-packed with food when I start out my day as you describe but I sure go overboard with packing clothes for an overnight or two-day trip! I have replaced food obsession with other obsessions that are not health detrimental...

For some of us, we have to find another goal – far beyond our weight loss number goal – a life goal and work at it with all the power and passion we used to get us to our weight goal.

I so admire you; you are people of strength, wisdom, intellect and you bring me great joy. Continue to work through this, ruminate through the intellect and share what you learn with others of us here - we all gain insight and grow from one another. Keep the flabbies away by talking and thinking it out!

[Mike]

Great thread ladies. Thanks for posting and responding.
The way I look at it, I was not raised in a "normal" family, I was never a "normal" size, and heck... I teach middle school.... so I am just not normal.

However, I like what I am and really, isn't that what its all about? Oh yeah, and I am healthier and increasingly so everyday.

[MerryMary]

Look, I've said this on this forum before , and I will say it again. Most (if not all) of the folks here are not here because we just enjoy a little food. Just enjoying good food might make a person 15 or 20 pounds overweight. But to become obese or morbidly obese, we have real substantial issues. And I don't believe the issues are about food, the issues are about US, and we just use food to treat our issues. Some people use alcohol, others use cigs, drugs, gambling, whatever. Some use them all. But we chose food. And while therapy can help, and other means of support are all very useful, I needed to figure out a way to treat this particular area of my life NOW, while continuing to work on the inside part that could take way longer. So my solution was Medifast, and my maintenance solution is to keep running and exercising and enjoying activity, and eating crazy amounts of veggies and other healthy foods, and simultaneously work hard to try to "fix" the stuff that makes me need the food. But it's a helluva a lot easier to address my internal stuff when my external stuff is so much healthier, and when life is so much more enjoyable. Does that make sense?

BINGO! I whole-heartedly agree with this, Lauren. I also agree that guilt does nothing to resolve the inner problems. The bottom line is that most people who have eating disorders (obesity is only one) and addictions like those you mentioned are attempting a "feel good" cure for deep woundedness. One can lose weight but unless the real issues are addressed the addictive substance will still be in control.

Thank you for your tremendous support and the wisdom you share on the forum. You are certainly one special lady!

[MerryMary]

Perfection is often an excuse not to try or to do nothing at all since it can't be "perfect."

Don't know who said it but I find it to be true ... "Perfectionism is a denial of reality."