The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

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I seems like I am just pouring it all out today.. I am here again typing about a delicate situation. I have already confessed my pop tart/taco bell sins here today so I figued might as well get some advice on another problem I am having. I have been married for 2 years. This is a second marriage for both my husband and myself. I have gained weight that I lost prior to our wedding (45 pounds) back and noticed that my husband wasn't very "interested" in a certain area of our marriage if you get my drift. I did become very depressed last year and was put on Lexapro and now I am back to my old self again. I finally got my DH to talk to me (like pulling teeth) and he said that he wasn't "attracted" to me but he loved me very much and he isn't involved with another person. I am thinking it is because of my physical appearance changing. I know men are visually driven! Okay now as hard as it is to even type this I just wonder as most of us here are dealing with weight issues if this or a similar situation has every happened and how you handled it.

Once again.. thanks for listening!

[EllenFree]

I understand what you're going through. I had a similar situation after I had my son. However, we had other problems too. I was 150 when we met and after I had my son, and still I am up to 239. We weren't intimate as soon as I started putting on weight.

He is currently now with a "runner" which he never ceases to remind me of. I constantly have to hear how in shape his new girlfriend is. She may be in shape, but she is dating a loser...(sorry that's the bitterness).

I know that I am doing something for me for a change now and the next time I see him in a few weeks, even if it doesn't show yet, I will feel better about myself.

I'm sure your husband will come around and the closer you get to your goal you'll feel more confident. Maybe you can have a romantic date or do something that you did in the old days...

Good luck,

Ellen

[martha]

TINK----
Sooo sorry to hear about your family problems.. I am married for the 2nd time also.. I was a size 8 when we married and my 1st husband told me it wasn't that I was fat but sloppy FAT!!! talk about low self-esteem... I had it when I met Doug..even then I hated myself at a size 8.. since then I have been an 8 to a size 26/28 back to an 8/10 5 years ago and now I finally fit my 16's the other day(stretch jeans with a roll over the top) but I fit them .. He had loved me regardless of my size But he did tell me that when we had that little discussion that he just hated when I was so down on myself. he hated it whenever I thougth so poorly of myself (i hated myself) and that attitude made it hard for him to be with me.. only because of the negative attitude I put out to the world about myself.. no one could ever cut me down better than I could..after 26years this year he is still right here with me and I must say loves me to death..(tells me daily) as soon as i quit feeling like I was unworthy of his love everything changed for me.. since then even at 26/28 no problems.. I'm not saying thats what is wrong with you but if you are like most of us overweight people you get that way without really knowing it.. I refused to go anywhere outside cause what if his friends saw him with ME.. they would say poor Doug(my thoughts only) it works on your mind.. Hope this helps.. I will be praying for you--Martha

EllenFree-- My ex ended up marrying a girl bigger than I was when we divorced and she is still dealing with her weight issues too..Talk about a bite in the bu-- Makes remarks to her all the time and makes me realize how God loved me enough to give me the good sense to only stay in that marriage 6 years and give him the exact thing he had.. I love it to this day..Martha

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Martha & EllenFree - Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my post. I admit I wasn't sure about posting something like that but here on this board I feel it is a safe zone to discuss things directly related to weight issues and or confidence issues. I know that my husband has said many times he can't stand it when I am so down on myself. I know it does make it hard for him to be with me when I am just hating myself. I believe that Martha probably hit it close to the head of what is going on with my DH and myself. I just struggle with accepting myself and it is so hard. I have to say as hurtful as our conversation was at least he was being honest with me because I just couldn't figure out what was goin on. My DH is very affectionate and tells me he loves me every single day. We do have a wonderful realtionship aside from the lack of intimacy. I have seen a therapist and she said that I have to focus on myself and put the other stuff on the backburner. I am a "fixer" though when something is wrong I just want to figure it all out and "fix" it (as we say down south) I am still fighting the negative attitude towards myself every day but I am doing much better with it.

Thanks again for responding!!!

[martha]

TINK---
Sooo glad it helped.. I will continue to pray for you... just take it one day at a time and try to believe in yourself.. Be proud of the little things he does everyday for you; those are hard to come by. My 1st husband never held hands, helped with the kids, cooked(YEAH RIGHT!!) or ever sent cards,flowers or said I love you.. Doug is just the opposite and it makes all the difference in the world.. he cooks as good as I do , tends kids and grandkids ,always sends flowers,cards and loves to just be with me and makes me feel like a queen--I use to dwell on poor old me all the time but now realize how great life can be.. Keep your chin up and we can all tackle this weight problem together...Martha

[TEEZS2K]

You are not alone Tink, in the past month two friends both had a similar situation. They had gained weight, got depressed beat themselves up and then took prozac. Their husbands told them they were no longer physically attracted to them this fat, and I cried fearing mine felt the same. I was lucky enough to marry a great guy because he said honey I married you much heavier, now you are much lighter, I love you the same! ALL you have to do is figure out how to love yourself. BINGO Loving myself...I am just sick and tired of being the biggest woman in the room. I can do this! WE can do this!

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TEEZS2K - Thanks for your post! I know that so much of what is going on lies with my attitude and the way I put myself out to the world. I almost just get mad thinking about it! I don't want to be that girl who just hates herself and is paranoid everybody is looking at me thinking horrible things. My DH is very attractive 6'4 but he could stand to loose a few pounds also. However he can hide it better than I can at my 5'3 frame! That is what I don't get it doesn't bother me you know I still am attracted to him regardless. I don't know if it the "weight" or just the fact I seem to be so obsessed with it all the time. I am just going to continue to focus on myself I am going to keep MF away and journaling. My hope is to learn how to love myself during this journey and at the end of it not only be much lighter but much happier as well!

[martha]

Tink--- I liked your answer to Teezs2k--we must learn to like ourselves as well as love ourselves.. my husband is also 6' and he went on this with me even though he didn't need to lose but 40#(just made his goal)..even at that he now only weighs 175.. he said he wanted to do it for me..that speaks volumes to me..I on the other hand am only 5"5' and needed to lose 130#..He knows I love him even though he has lost most of his hair.. and trust me we spent alot on those products for him.. I love him regardless. I think they just want whats best for us in the long run and when we find one like teezs2k said that loves us as we are except they wish we could love ourselves THEN we are sooo fortunate..I also want to learn to love myself for who I am on this journey and wanted you to know we will all be here to help each other along the way..We can do this!!! Martha

[KeleeGrl]

Tink, you said it right on the nose.....focus on yourself. My husband has never said anything about my weight even if we are having a fight, but my insecurities about myself effect our relationship because I always think that when we are out he's looking at all the other women because they are better than I am. Everyone thinks I am such a strong person, but underneath I am very insecure about myself and my appearance. I think everyone around me is prettier and of course skinnier, which they may be, but that doesn't make them a better person. So when I started MF that's what I decided I was going to do...focus on MYSELF and focus on ME for a change and not what I thought my husband thought. And that's exactly what you need to do..its all about YOU!

[TEEZS2K]

Keleegrl...I am crying, you just wrote EXACTLY how I feel. My husband likes to look at people, all people, my jealousy surrounding my insecurities have almost ruined my marriage many times. I would ask what he thought of this girl or that girl, and he says honey she is pretty, but I married you and you are pretty too....BUT I chose you. YES I manage to forget that now and then when I beat myself up. I have read some great books on how to build my self esteem, and I think I may be on the right track now....OHHH and everyone says to me you are so outgoing, fun and so beautiful don't you know that....I just chuckle and think to myself if you only knew what it took to be at this party with 20 skinny women with tummies tight and showing.....MY tummy has never seen real sunlight, just a tanning booth at times....ANYHOW I am moved by all your posts, and TINK thanks for going to your heart on this! I think this issue may be the core of most of our extra weight. I went to counseling on some of these issues, and we have to let go of our past and say hmmm that is why I USE to do this,,,,shrug and laugh and say I am so glad I am doing it a new way!!!!
Bless you all for being open!

[KeleeGrl]

Teez its nice to know that I'm not alone and just crazy when I feel the way I do. Which, like you, I'm moving forward and looking into the future and leaving the past behind, trying to feel better about myself so that I can have a healthier relationship. Isn't this forum just great!

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I am glad that my initial post was helpful it seems like several of us have the same insecurities that we battle. I am having one of those days again.. I am fine with MF program it is just I am a little down in the dumps. I miss the intimacy and little things are bugging me .. like when my DH and I email I will say I love you.. I get mostly xoxox which is fine so why is it bothering me so bad. I am fighting those demons telling me to ask him why he does that xoxox stuff?!? Hmpf! However, I do realize I am probably being overly sensitive and it would make matters worse asking him about it. I hate HATE being so needy dependent on 3 little words I think I am driving myself nuts! LOL I really need to pull it together today ladies. I think I will have a shake .....

[KeleeGrl]

Tink, I also like to hear those 3 little words. My husband tells me that he's just not one to say that all the time. He thinks I should know that he loves me and that's that. I get one out of him once in awhile, but they are far and few between. I know how your feeling, believe me. There are times that I get so down I cry at the drop of a hat. Especially right before TOM and the ole hormones start up. Hang in there....it WILL get better.

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KeleeGrl -

It sounds like our hubbies are very much alike! My hubby likes for me to be secure and confident. It is hard though because I know his attraction is not there for me right now so that just makes me take a double hit on the old self esteem. Thank you for your encouragement! I really appreciate it !!!

[TEEZS2K]

Hmmm well I think all men are so different. I have had the over attentive mushy gushy type and it smothered me, now I have the opposite...my husband does tell me he loves me, but I think we all trade off for one thing or another. My Hubby does not like to kiss much or hug much and to me that was so important at first. BUT I have managed to let him know that it is something that I like, and want from him without having to ask. Not all the time just sometimes. SO I guess I have just calmed down about it, I hug him, kiss him, and when it is his time to show it, he does come up and do it. IN his own time. I found that being needy got me NOTHING, once he told me I was so needy and I was crushed. I recalled how the x-boyfriend turned me off doing that and it made it easier to understand. I do not want needy love from him. SO I started being busy, taking walks, shopping on the weekends, basically getting a life of my own....NOW he is grabbing to hold my hand, holding me in bed for a cuddle and kissing a bit more. He is such a manly man (firefighter/paramedic) I think it is a hard shell they build to fight off all the sad things they see. Anyhow Tink you are on the right path, getting the inner you back. Your hubby had better watch out we all may just have to take a girl cruise to the Bahamas without them in our new bathingsuits!!!