The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[Carrie]

This has been an eventful past couple of weeks for me. This is going to be a really long post – but hopefully it’ll be entertaining reading, if nothing else. I see a lot of us are having do-overs and we're frankly struggling. I'm in that boat too.

Things have come to a head at work – and I am currently in the middle of dealing with an extreme personnel problem. I’m struggling with it – I have an employee who cannot seem to treat others with even the very basics of respect, courtesy and professionalism. This person spends hours a day complaining about coworkers, the organization, etc etc, to anyone who will listen – spreading gossip and rumors (usually without basis in truth) and yet paradoxically, this person has bible verses taped all over her office – and often listens to church programs on the radio. Needless to say, I’m struggling to find a way to effectively communicate with her the need for a change in her behavior. Anyway, it’s been a big issue for me, and one that’s been taking up a lot of my time.

Then there was Hurricane Charley. I feel like I dodged a bullet with that one. And I feel awful for the people in Port Charlotte and Punta Gorda, the devastation they are dealing with is more than it seems like people should have to handle.

Preparing for a hurricane is not a lot of fun. Emotions run high, everyone is nervous, anxious and scared. You don’t know what you’re going to need in the way of supplies – so you wind up buying lots of extra food, water, batteries, candles, etc etc etc. You’re not sure if you need to put the shutters up – or go buy plywood and cover the windows. You keep watching the storm updates, and hope the thing goes the other way. You try to figure out if you’re going to have to evacuate or not – and if you are evacuating – you start planning what you can’t live without, and how you’re going to fit it in your car. For me this means all my family photos, my cat, my parrot, my allergy meds, and a couple changes of clothes. When it comes right down to it, all the rest of it is just stuff. Don’t get me wrong, I’d prefer that all my stuff not get blown away, but the bottom line is it isn’t really important.

Living in the Keys creates a problem as it relates to looming hurricanes. There is only one 2 lane road into and out of the Keys. Depending on how much notice you have about the storm, it is very possible that an evacuation could be logistically impossible. The vast majority of our structures simply cannot withstand a major hurricane – category 3 or above. I’m ok with riding out a 1, maybe a 2, at my house. But I don’t want to be anywhere in the Keys if we have a 3 or above. Most of the Keys will be gone in that case. The highest place on my island is 7-8 feet above sea level.

It just plain isn’t much fun dealing with the arrival of one of these things. (And despite all that, I still don’t want to live anywhere else). Most of us are not accustomed to making decisions about potentially life threatening situations.

So what’s all that got to do with my diet? Everything. It’s time for me to face some harsh realities about the way I’ve been living my life the last couple months.

I have not made weight loss progress in almost 3 months. I have maintained my loss to within a margin of a few pounds, but not because I have been eating sensibly. I haven’t taken it seriously, and made half-hearted attempts at getting back with it. I have returned to my old pattern of eating a lot of junk – for a whole lot of reasons – everything from complacency to getting mad at work to a hurricane coming to I just plain want to eat to being afraid of being thin. But I have to accept that these things are JUST LIFE. They’re always going to be there whether I eat my way through them or not. And all of them – ALL OF THEM – are excuses. And they just lead to an endless circle of do-overs. I need to learn to weather the storm without eating my way through it.

Now – I’m still happy about my weight loss – I put on my size 18 jeans last night. But there’s more to it than that. For the last 3 months I have let myself down. I have made promises to myself to stick to the program and lose more and I have failed. The problem with this pattern is that I wind up disappointed in myself and that spirals into depression and negative thinking. Yesterday it occurred to me that this is sort of like a parent always making promises to a child and never following through with them. The kid has heard over and over that ‘soon’ they’re gonna go to the park, or to the movies, but it never happens. Eventually the child just realizes that the promises are empty and they probably aren’t ever gonna make it to the park, and the kid doesn’t believe the parent anymore, and trust is broken. If this was a promise I had made to my boss or a friend, I probably woulda been fired by now. Certainly, they woulda given up on me ever coming through with what I said I was gonna do. If I can’t trust myself to do something, how can I expect other people to trust me? And if I don’t think I’m important enough to keep a promise to, how can I expect other people to treat me as if I am?

It’s time I started keeping my promises to myself. I’m tired of letting myself down. Every time I break my own promise I am belittling myself and telling myself that I’m not that important. When I am true to my program, it makes me feel good, and builds me up. When I fail, it makes me feel bad and tears me down. It’s time I started honoring myself and my word.

I’m making a commitment to myself this morning. I will stay on this program faithfully for the next 90 days. My goal is to be below 200 for my birthday in November. No excuses, no reasons, just doing it. I will weather the storm without eating my way through it. At this point it isn’t about just losing weight and dieting. It’s about being able to trust myself, and keeping my word.

Carrie

[explorthis]

I’m tired of letting myself down

WOWOW, I am glad you’re OK, Hurricane, and all.

I am even gladder you are back with us. Not only does it make you feel good to stick with it, it makes ME feel good for you. I know the feeling of being torn down, as well as the next guy. I (I am sure I can say we) am here for you, as always.

It’s an uphill battle, but like you said, your happy with your weight loss, well girl, your gonna be euphoric (like you said – I PROMISE) in 90 days, and see what else can come of this. Your gonna toss your 18’s in the can, and go shopping.

Glad your back!!!!!!!!

-SD

[Sylvia]

Carrie,

First and foremost - I'm so happy you're back! I've really missed your posts and have worried about you. So glad you are OK from a hurricane perspective.

Second, I loved your analogy to the parent who keeps promising things that never happen. That is so dead on. For the first time with this program (but more importantly, with some internal level of motivation and determination I have never in the past been able to find), I really and truly believe myself when I say I'm going to see this through. You are important and you have recognized that all of the other stuff is just excuses for not becoming all that you can be.

Please post often. You can do this and we will support you!

Sylvia

[RavenKat]

Glad you are safe, Lady!

We're here for you if you need us - as you've been here for us.

When a hurricane came last year Nelson and I lost power for days. (as did a lot of Maryland and VA) We threw out all of our previously frozen food and listened to a battery operated radio in the dark. When the batteries ran out we couldn't find a "C" battery ANYWHERE! We were driving down the street and I saw a store I was SURE would have batteries.....it was an adult toy store (wink wink). YES, I went inside! Someone drove by and called me a name of some sort but I kept going. It turns out they only had size "D" batteries. Oh well.

Kat

[DutchChoc]

Yeah, Carrie! You have such a logical way of expressing yourself that I feel sure that you can also turn that ability inward and check on yourself for compliance and any leanings toward non-compliance. This really is a kind of mind game. I'm glad that you feel determined to get a long string of days on your side. You can do it! Starting is the biggest step.

It was surprising to me to hear how low your island is - 7 to 8 feet above sea level!! But how beautiful it must be to live where you do. I'd very much like to vacation in the Keys "when I think I'd look better" in a swimsuit.

I also understand the fear of being thin, though I can honestly say that it hasn't bothered me much lately. When I have it, it tends to be more about what extra expectations I think others will have of me that I won't meet successfully. (Whoa if Mike reads THAT!!) In any case, things are good right now, and this is day 29 of shakes only. I haven't felt this good for a long time. For anyone who wonders how, my strategy is built around a certain set of shakes and other "distracting" beverages that more or less keep me full and occupied throughout the day. As long as I'm not caught without those things to drink, I'm OK. I think I'll be at this about, hummm, another ten or so weeks to do what I'd like to "have done".

Carrie, keep us informed. I always like reading your thoughts.

[hawaiiwhatnot]

Carrie,

Happy to see you today. I was certainly thinking about you wondering how you made it through the hurricane. I can relate living in the middle of the Pacific sometimes in the path of hurricanes. Something that devastating and life-threatening can really bring you around to what's important. Puts you right into the no nonsense mode. You've had a positive outcome with your change in committment. It has also made me reaffirm mine. Thank you and thank God you're ok.

Camille

[Nancy]

Carrie,

So thankful to hear that you are safe, well and choosing to get yourself to a healthier place. Good thinkin' = good choices = good livin' = good feelin' and we know that you are a promise keeper!

We are walking alongside of you and joining you as we give T he Buh Bye Wave to the 200's and sticking with you as you reach the finish line!

[Carrie]

Thank you everybody - this has definitely been a test of my resolve. I WANT TO EAT!!! argh!

I just had my first shake so hopefully the ole tummy will give me a few moments peace. Pardon me, but I’m gonna ramble for a while here……

This whole thing has not gone as I expected. First of all when I started back in March I didn't expect to succeed. I figured it'd be like every other diet and I'd try for a while and then give up. Every day I wondered if today was the day I'd blow it, I kept asking Mike to tell me at what magic number of pounds or days passed did he finally realize that he was going to be able to go all the way........ I was waiting for some magic milestone to pass at which point everything would click into place and I'd coast the rest of the way into home.

Instead what happened is I've lost 40 pounds. WAY more than I've ever been able to lose in years. People started noticing and telling me how great I looked - and on the outside I LOVED hearing it. And for the first time I realized that I could actually lose this weight. But on the inside all my old insecurities and self-doubt started screaming.

These are parts of me that are afraid to lose weight, afraid to lose this identity. I had no idea just how deeply these psychological issues run in me – things that I’ve told myself for years – that don’t just go away over night. And I know if I could just get them to shut up long enough for me keep losing weight I’d realize that they aren’t valid fears and concerns.

Being fat is also my way of rejecting people before they have a chance to reject me. I know I do this with everyone – but I especially do it with men. I think in a lot of ways fear is at the core of this stuff. Fear of trying and failing, fear of trusting and being betrayed, fear of not having the fat to blame for everything. In some twisted way it’s also part of my identity with my father. We’ve always been the 2 chubs in the family while my mother and sister are thin. Mostly though I think it’s some club that I gave myself membership in. The “If you don’t belong anywhere else then you belong here” Club. It’s the part of me that says “Bleep em if they don’t like me cause I’m fat”.

See right now everything that happens in my life gets blamed on the fat.

If a guy I like doesn’t like me back it’s cause I’m fat
Even if it really does seem like he likes me, he can’t possible cause I’m fat
I didn’t get that job I really wanted cause I’m fat
That person I was smiling at looked right through me – it’s cause I’m fat.
Oh, no that group of young people walking towards me are going to ridicule me – cause I’m fat.

Being fat has become my catchall security blanket/crutch/rationalization, etc. And I simply do not know how to live without it. It’s been too many years now – I can’t remember how to live without this reason to blame everything on. Like a tiger kept in a cage for years and then set free, he wanders back into the cage because it’s become safe and it’s home.

I realize in some way that the only way to overcome this stuff is to lose the weight and realize that life goes on without it. But that’s easier said than done. I’ve finally given up trying to sort all this out on my own and I’m going to a therapist – it was a preventive move too – cause I was about to drive myself crazy.

But still, going into this I really thought that by starting to lose the weight all this stuff would fade into the back ground behind the great side effects of losing weight – and instead it seems to have brought them to the forefront where they can’t be ignored.

Being an analytical person by nature and profession is good most of the time, but in this area of my life it’s not so good. I envy the people who can ‘just do it’ and sort it out later. Aren’t you guys glad you didn’t get the dubious honor of being my therapist????? LOLOL

Yesterday when I was having a really bad moment I actually caught myself thinking “What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.” Maybe Nietzsche was dieting when he wrote that.

Carrie

[TamiL]

Carrie
we are two peas in a pod girl!! I relate soooo much to your posts..always have!!
Today....is day one...a new day...
lets to this again...we started out so strong, and yes we drifted a bit...and have been struggling....
but lets look to the future...where we CAN be..if we get to day 2..then 3..then week 3...then month 3....remaining faithful to the program again as we did in the beginning....
forget the past hang ups...forget the guilts about drifting...
lets shake ourselves to FREEDOM!!!

Im here for ya Carrie...
dont give up.
Tam

[DutchChoc]

Yeah. I hear you. And how about the other: if a guy seems to like me or does like me when I'm fat, he has poor taste/would like anybody/therefore he can't be trusted and/or I can't be too glad about that, either, etc, etc, etc?

Furthermore, further complicating things, it seems that some guys like CERTAIN fat, and that can be just as annoying, because they want 'ya to keep that CERTAIN fat. If you don't, they say you "look like a boy now". SO annoying. But I have decided a big, fat, SO WHAT!! to that eccentricity. There are enough b@@bs around to gawk at without me being the one toting them (and the extra fat, too).

[explorthis]

Important disclaimer – this reply is a discussion, not a fight, nor is it intended to invite argumentative comments. Carrie and I have had frank discussions from day one, and this is a continuation.

Carrie: Being fat has become my catchall security blanket/crutch/rationalization, etc. And I simply do not know how to live without it.

I realize in some way that the only way to overcome this stuff is to lose the weight and realize that life goes on without it.

Being an analytical person by nature and profession is good most of the time, but in this area of my life it’s not so good. I envy the people who can ‘just do it’ and sort it out later

WOW… I really don’t know if this over analyzing, or just crutching an excuse to not do it. You say, being fat, is BLANKET-CRUTCH, etc. You don’t know how to live without it? Do you really want to live without it? Above you say, “how great I looked - and on the outside I LOVED hearing it. And for the first time I realized that I could actually lose this weight” Then you come back and don’t know how to live without it.

I guess, from a guy’s standpoint, I just don’t get it. Magically, (hypothetically) you are all of a sudden at your goal weight, whatever Carrie decides this is. Is it now a problem BECAUSE you are at a goal weight, and now you want to go back to your old ways? OR – is this entire thing about habits that are hard to break, and your saying perhaps you cannot, or more importantly choose not, and it’s just easier to eat, and sit in the pond, instead of getting up and just doing it?

Why envy the person that just says no? Why not just close the analytical weight loss door, see where it takes you, and go from there? I must have a simple brain; I am a pretty smart guy, but sometimes I just don’t get it. Fat is fat, weather you’re a guy, or a girl. From a guys perspective, I am a guy that has been fat his entire life. All of a sudden I am thinner. Yes, I know you’re a girl; girls have issues, or different issues than guys. What issues? Your overweight, I am overweight, we – WE need to lose the weight. The issue here is the weight, not the weather, or the job, or painting the apartment, but THE WEIGHT. You see/saw results, results you hardly saw on any other diet. You lost weight 40 pounds. Why give in, and go backwards? What exactly goes through your head, once you have seen astonishing results, and then all of a sudden you have a brain fart? You choose/decide to eat something off program? I have been on as many diets as you, and as many as the next person. Why this time did I just say no? Beats me, buy I did it, and I am glad. Yes, it’s a different lifestyle, but I am the same guy. I see new doors opening that remained closed while I was overweight. I am still the same obnoxious horse’s arse I have always been, the difference now, not analytically, I don’t hide behind my fat.

Dutchchoc: Furthermore, further complicating things, it seems that some guys like CERTAIN fat

WHAT? What is this about?

-Mike

[Carrie]

<sigh>

I don’t get it either Mike, that’s why I’m here posting my guts out and that’s why I’m going to a therapist now. Because I try and try to reason my way through this stuff and I wind up running round in circles like a hamster on a wheel.

I swear I wish I could just turn these thoughts off and just do it. But I can’t turn my brain off.

You are right to say that it sounds like I’m talking out of both sides of my mouth – I’ll go you one better and say that it is like there are 2 people in here. One lobbying for weight loss and one lobbying against it.

To be as direct as I can - Yes, there is a part of me that does not want to lose weight. Why? Because as long as I’m fat, I’ve got my handy little catchall excuse for everything and I’ve got my security blanket keeping everyone at arms length. This fat insulates me from life. It is who I am. And it’s comfortable and it’s a role I know how to play. This part of me has been in charge for years and years. Most of these last years I haven’t even attempted to diet. So YES, this part of me is trying really hard to just use all this stuff as excuse to give up.

The other part of me wants to lose weight so badly that I could just sit right here and cry and scream. This part of me does not want the fat at all. This part of me doesn’t know why the other part won’t just shut up and let me do what I want to do so badly. This part of me struggles daily to get and keep control of what’s going on. This is the part of me that loved hearing the compliments. This part of me is yelling “What the heck are you so afraid of, just get on with it?”

If you want my honest to god gut feeling about this it all seems to boil down to fear. For some reason I am scared witless of losing more weight. And I’m ticked off about that because I have never considered myself a cowardly person, but here I am. I probably cannot articulate the worst of the fear – because most fear is irrational. And the logical part of me knows that and knows that if I can find a way to work through this that I will discover the fear was a snarling monster under the bed – a figment of my imagination that disappears when you flip on the light. But right now, at this time in my life, the fear is hopping inside me. I can tell you some of it is things like…..

· what happens if I get thin and still don’t find ‘Mr. Wonderful’. Right now I can blame it on my fat – but what will my excuse be if I’m thin? Right now it’s easy to think ‘Well, if’d just lose weight he’d appear’. If I lose it and still wind up spending my life alone – well that’s beyond depressing.
· I’m not sure who I am if I’m not ‘that fat girl Carrie’. I think there’s some irrational expectation that there won’t be anything left of me – or I won’t know who I am or something. Like waking up with amnesia and you’re not who you are – and you don’t even know who you are.

I think those are secondary issues, but I think the primary problem is something unconscious – that I can’t get at alone, hence the therapy.

And I guess if I were magically at my goal weight I would be able to realize that my fears were not valid. One friend of mine defines fear as ‘false expectations appearing real’. The rational part of me can say this, but it doesn’t seem to stop the fear from immobilizing me.

Example: I have a phobia about needles. I do not even have my ears pierced. I will avoid a shot or having blood drawn at all costs. Now, rationally I can tell you that the shot does not hurt and that it shouldn’t be a big deal. But my IRRATIONAL fear still mobilizes me to beg the Doctor not to give me the shot, to jump off the exam table and run across the room with my skirt up around my hips, to pass out when I see the needle and to cry like a baby. (That’s what I did last time I couldn’t get out of it) Then I feel like a total jackass afterwards.

I don’t think the issue is the weight. I think the issue is all this other stuff. Because I’ve gotta find a way to deal with this other stuff enough to be able to deal with the weight. And I don’t think I’m the only one in this boat – that’s why we have so many failed diet attempts. I want to ‘just do it’, but the other part wants me to ‘just not do it’ and I have to keep trying to overcome the resistance. I tell myself every day ‘just follow the program and sort out the rest of it later.’ Some days that works and others it doesn’t. My weight problem does not exist in a vacuum. It is interconnected like a spiders web to all these issues. Passively hoping for change isn’t working, so I’m aggressively trying to make it happen.

I know all this must sound like a barrage of b.s., I’ve tried ignoring it for the last couple months and that hasn’t worked at all. I’m going through this because I really do not want to give up, what I really want is to deal with issues and come out the other side of this thing about 90 pounds lighter. I wish I could find some way to explain what I mean, but it’s confusing to me too, which makes it really hard to explain to someone else.

Carrie

[Simmshe]

I'm late to the topic, but want to chime in here. I have been reading the forum for the past couple of days, but have been too busy (and moody!) to post. But here I am.

First, Carrie, I want to say that I'm glad that you made it through the storm safely. Now it's the storm of life that you are trying to get through that is proving to be so daunting. I've been reading your posts and want to let you know how MUCH I can relate to how you feel. I see a lot of myself in you and could probably pick a random page from any of my journals from the past seven years that would be almost identical to what you wrote. I, too, tend to overanalyze my life/emotions. The more I read your posts, the clearer it is to me how much of an intellectual grasp you have on your weight and eating problem. I, too, have had an intellectual understanding of my compulsive eating problem for years--I could explain to anyone, inside and out, why I overate so badly and continually sabotaged myself. But I needed to move beyond the analyzing and understanding--it wasn't getting me anywhere, fast. Until you get out of the intellectualizing, you will find yourself continuing to go in circles--you will understand yourself greatly and what motivates or stagnates you, but that's all you will have--understanding.

You are so on the right track with getting your excess weight off, and more importantly, gaining yourself. Before I could even truly fathom following Medifast or losing weight any other way, I knew that I had to get my emotional/mental mind together. I have seen a therapist off and on (mostly off) since I was a teenager (for depression), but last year, late last year, as I was suffering a bad cycle of depression, it hit me like a ton of bricks that I needed help with moving forward and that I was going to commit to seeing my therapist, and not dropping out like I used to. I kept hitting the same walls and needed to understand how to break them down.

After having lost over 100lbs and regaining it again, twice, I knew full well that I was NEVER going to be successful with getting the excess weight off and stop eating compulsively, for good, unless I grew stronger emotionally and mentally. You're right--it is not about weight. The excess weight is merely a side effect of internal problems. I had very strong resistance that would always derail me and for the first time in my life I knew that I had to finally get down to the ugly, nitty gritty of why I kept failing and was miserable. So this journey for me is two-fold, and has been even before I began it again--it's mental and physical. If we don't have the mental part tended to, the physical part will surely fail. So, I see a therapist (a nonanalytical one who is very action-oriented and calls me on any excuses that I present--she was gentle at first, but later started kicking my butt, so to speak), too, and I'm always doing "inner work" by myself (as I've always done) and it has had a tremendous effect on my growth. I wouldn't be here if I had not committed to myself eight months ago that I was going to break out of my comfort zone, take my life back, no matter how difficult it would be, and it has been the most difficult, scariest thing that I had done and continue to do.

Anyways Carrie, you are doing the most important part now, the inner work, and hopefully you will be removing emotional blocks soon. And from one analytical person to another--I think that the reason our excuses have held up so well is because we accept them as being completely justifiable. But in time, as you challenge your excuses, you fully understand that an excuse is an excuse is an excuse is an excuse. And once you fully embrace this, you stop accepting your excuses. You realize that you are doing what you have always done, and you will keep getting when you've always gotten--and your brain supports this because this is what it has been taught. It knows what will make you feel better (food, in this case) because this has been your established go-to for years. But your job is to challenge your old set thought patterns--it's HARD work, as you know, but the more you do it, the easier it gets. When I really committed to follow Medifast 5 weeks ago, I had it in my head that once and for all--I was committing--period. I instilled in my mind that it doesn't matter what happens in my life--there is no reason for me to go off of my plan--stress, anxiety, boredom, loneliness, etc., are no longer a justifiable excuses for me to overeat/binge, no matter what the cause of the stress.

It's great to see you committing to yourself--and don't give up no matter how murky the water may be. You're right, you are in the fight of your life, and a big part of this fight is old Carrie vs. new Carrie. You have the power and choice to decide if the new Carrie is going to be the winner or if the old Carrie, with her old thought patterns and resistance is going to continue reigning supreme. I'll tell you, old bratty Sheryl has been taking a serious beating lately--she is soooo losing! It's been hard work moving beyond resistance to change and changing my thought patterns--my self-defeating thoughts and behavior have been firmly in place since I was 14 years old, but they are being uprooted. And you are uprooting yours too .

One more thing … get out of the land of "What ifs"—fast! Living here will keep you exactly where you are--it's a fear monger and hope thief. Try your best to focused on the here and now … and even if you wander into the land of "What if…?" acknowledge your thoughts (fears) and move on—you don't have to let it paralyze you. Thoughts and feelings don't dissipate overnight, but when we stop giving power to the negative ones, they begin to lose their power. I have been a full-time resident of "What if …?" for many years and it has effectively kept me paralyzed (this is a common, debilitating side effect of dwelling here). One of my favorite quotes is "We don't know enough to be pessimistic" (or something to this effect). Let the future take care of itself.

Just keep doing what you're doing Carrie--fighting and going deeper--and sooner rather than later, you will find yourself conquering not only your physical weight, but releasing old beliefs that have hurt you . Glad that you are back!

Sheryl

[Carrie]

Wow. Thank you Sheryl. For your time and caring. And for your posts - honestly a lot of what has brought me back is reading your thoughts on commitment. I've failed to make any commitments to myself - until now.

I'm here. Fighting my way through the day. Right now I am angry - angry that I've not taken my health seriously and angry that I've wasted so much time.

I spent a lot of last night writing - trying to move myself past the analysis and into the action. All these years I've had the M.O. that if I could UNDERSTAND all this that I'd find the answer, and so I spin my wheels and spin my wheels, looking for answers and insights. I may have to accept the fact that the answers aren't going to come yet, but that I have to continue controlling my eating NOW.

I've always been this way - I remember once as a teenager a boy I was head over heels for, and dating, broke up with me - I spent months analyzing, why, why, WHY?????? If I could just figure it out, then I would understand and it would be ok. I was miserable for months when one day I was walking along kicking a pebble on the sidewalk, asking 'why why why?' When all of a sudden I thought to myself 'Who cares why, just get over it.' And then I realized that why wasn't really important, what was important was getting on with my life.

Now I've done that same thing with my weight - and in truth part of the analyzing is a procrastination tool - can't fix it till I get it figured out, which is a twisted way of giving myself permission to eat.

I was watching a movie last night and in it there were scenes of drug use. A nervous, anxious person looking for and getting his next score. All of a sudden I saw myself. I've casually referred to this as being like an addiction for quite a while, but never really thought it was one. I'm no junkie- yah right. I was fooling myself.

I painstakingly replayed my last binge in my head. I started the day fine, was getting anxious by the afternoon, thoughts of food were running rampant and I kept pushing them out. By late afternoon I was thinking 'I'm getting a pizza tonight, I'll start the diet tomorrow.' I fought it and fought it, and then at some moment I caved. When I got home I called for delivery and I ate half that pizza. I noticed myself a few moments after eating, stretched out in the recliner relaxed and calm. Drugged. It truly finally sank in that what I am doing is no different than shooting heroin. I don't know why I couldn't see that before, but this has hit me with massive clarity. I can and will kill myself if I keep eating this way. And I refuse to be a junkie. I absolutely refuse to let any substance have control of me.

Several years ago when I was going through a really bad allergy problem I got addicted to nasal sprays. My nose just closed up and the only thing that would pry the sucker open was some hits of nasal spray. I sleep with my mouth closed which presents a problem if you can't breath through your nose. I couldn't sleep. I'd try and try and after tossing and turning for hours give up and use the nasal spray, to get my nose open, so I could shut my mouth and sleep. I struggled for weeks and finally somehow, forced myself through a night without spray. And then another and another. It was VERY HARD. I was so sleep deprived I couldn't think. But I did it. And I will do this too.

Today has been a little easier, I guess because I'm riding the anger and I have a picture in my head of a junkie shooting up.

I think that I fell into learned helplessness. And being able to be helpless to change my weight gave me an excuse to keep eating, but it also gave me the excuse to blame everything else in my life on my weight. It's a way of being a victim. And taking control of it means having to give up the helplessness and be responsible for EVERYTHING in my life. There is a part of me that is immature enough to not want to do that. To still be able to pass the blame. In a way, as much as I am MORTIFIED to admit this, I think in part it is about emotional maturity. Finally just growing the *bleep* up and taking control of my life. And I guess that's scary, cause instead of having the fat to blame everything on - there'll just be little ole me in the mirror to face the music. Sometimes I'm ok with that, and other times it scares the stuffing right outa me.

I'm going to do this one day at a time and not worry about tomorrow. I do not want to fight this the rest of my life, and until I deal with it that is exactly what I will be doing.

Thanks again Sheryl, I'm glad you're here.
Carrie