The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[DutchChoc]

Hey, guys.

Just wanted you to know that I am alive and not well with my "eating", which has become EATING instead of eating. I'm off the train and in the mode so many have revealed at times... just off grazing and I guess not giving the right amount of "da.." about it -- else I firmly believe I'd stop and fly right again.

Have not been on the scale since Saturday and weighed 132 then; since then, have been heavily bingeing. Not a pretty story, so I haven't told it yet. I am not moderate like some -- I am either doing great or I am doing very lousily, and this is a very lousy time. What's worse is that I can hardly judiciously tell you that I'm trying to stop because I can tell that I'm not because of what I've been doing.

It started Friday night with the turkey and things were pretty severe right off the bat. I know this because I was doing things like eating out of the frosting can that night already. I did better Saturday, but still chaos. On Sunday, I "wanted" to resume the shakes or maybe use some of the other products, but as the day passed, I got into everything else that I wanted to, frankly. Yesterday I thought I had a good idea to go to the store for milk and for some salad things. Had decided I would still try NO sweets/carbs and a moderate approach -- but by the time I left the store I had 16 jumbo oatmeal cookies, two danish, two bagels, two health bars, etc...... and guess what happened by 8:30am? Troublesville, and it was even worse later.

Today, I went to vote, had a shake before I went, in fact, came home, warmed up some meat loaf, had that and some flat bread, had a bagel, had some cake, had some cookies, got irritated that by then I was full and couldn't really keep eating, etc...... And, that takes me to about now. I'm not TOO FULL to eat anymore, and I haven't moved in the direction of finding more stuff to eat yet, but I doubt that this has run its course.

I'll keep you informed as I make my good/bad decisions. Sorry to have news of my own downfall, just wanted you to know what's going on. I'm still remembering the Thanksgiving family gathering in 3 weeks, still wanting to rescue my victorious progress, still exercising, etc, etc. I really need to examine my behaviors and figure out why, for me, all of this tastes better than thin feels right now.

Have a good day, guys. Straight and narrow is the way. Saying 'no' is part of the plan, for a good reason.

[fedup]

I know it's probably hard to talk about our tough times on the plan, but I think posting about it was a GREAT start. You've been so strong for so long on this plan, and you STILL ARE!. It sounds like you just need to figure out what's going on right now with you. What are you feeling and/or thinking when your doing all the eating? For me I know in the past I've always been tempted to eat like that when I'm depressed or hurt or angry about something. Don't know if it's like that for you...

I'd say to think about things, really look inside if you can... I know that sounds cheesy... but that's where the answer is...

I sure don't have all the answers, but I know that everyone on this forum is here to be supportive, and lots of people will have some great advice. I know you can do it, and you can overcome what's happening now. You are a wonderful, funny, strong and dedicated woman, and don't ever forget that!!

[Sylvia]

Dutch,

I'm sure I don't have the magic answer so all I can say is STOP. You have come so far and regardless of what the number on the scale says, you are on the threshhold of your goal. You DO NOT want to look back on New Years Eve and be back where you started.

You have got to figure out a way to break the cycle of extremes. You are at a place where you CAN successfully transition off of MF and onto a REASONABLE eating program. You CAN NOT eat 16 cookies and who knows what else.

You know we will support you whatever happens, but don't do this to yourself. You have been so successful and can continue to be. Like me, I know you have cycled in the past from losing to gaining but with little inbetween. You need to redirect your energies from losing to maintaining. This is a whole different ballgame and requires a different mindset and different skills. You are determined and have proven time and again how committed you can be so use your energy on maintenance now.

I don't mean to be an analyst, but I've always had the sense that you have confidence you can lose but you have no confidence you can maintain. Don't turn those feelings into a self-fulfilling prophesy. You can do this just remain focused!

Please PM or e-mail me if there's anything I can do to help.

Worrying about you!

Sylvia

[RavenKat]

Call Nancy!!!!!

If she can convince me that this is what I want after 2 months of coasting then she can help you. (and that was just in an email) Even if it is only to listen.

I agree that you are eating so you don't have to deal with something. Only you know what that is - or WILL know what that is if you stop to listen. Get out some paper and write. Stream of consciousness if you have to - just write. It'll probably start with how crappy you feel about eating but may actually get to what you are battling on a deeper level. Just an idea, since you like words so much. You can even tear it up when you are done.

You've done marvelously and have simply stumbled. You don't get ejected from the club or pushed away from us because you are not perfect. You are a great person and we are here for you.

Kat

[DutchChoc]

Well, this is one beautiful, sunny fall day that's being lost on me because of my little "fat drama". Unless I can get a grip in the second half of the day and hold things together.

I had tears when I read what you guys wrote. Thanks for caring. I always wanted you to know how really screwed up I am when it comes to food - maybe now you'll have some insight into seeing that I'm really not a "normal" person tinkering with a few pounds but really one of the most messed up eaters you could ever imagine knowing.

It's true - maintaining a weight like this is truly beyond my experience. I've managed to maintain the 140's in the past, but this? Heck no. And maintaining the 140s was the work of an exercise bulemic, truly.

Why I know that this is an insideous disease is because I'm not true even to myself when I'm behaving this way. Note that I did not promise to stop earlier because I was pretty sure I wasn't going to, and I didn't. It seems like I'm determined to run through a list of goods on hand until it's exhausted, like having to check in on each and every treat in inventory. In some ways, that's nearly accomplished. Or so I hope. I'm thinking of going through the freezer and destroying the various frozen specimens there that I know I've been visiting lately. Most of these are sweets -- including 14 of those cookies I froze yesterday.

So, I hope this helps remind all of you of the way it feels to get snagged.

Sylvia, I wish I thought I could transition to a reasonable plan, but I'm really more like scared and thinking that my only sanctity is in the shakes only. Consequently, I'm finding/feeling a lot of compulsion to have this or that "for the road" i.e. before I start depriving myself again. When I contemplate trying to moderate this "attack" into a 5-1 or transition plan, I'm already worrying that I still have weight to lose first, or "it will take too long" to get back to where I was, etc..... Not to mention that if I don't stop doing this, it will take even longer.

I'll do some thinking & maybe some writing. I do know that I had an early sense of entitlement to have this little indulgence, only it's now leading me by the nose and I'm only protesting weakly, "no, not another candy, etc". YUCK!!!!!! A photo would please me more, maybe, or just seeing another unlikely recipe. I'm glad that I can still smile at how "sick" I am. In humor there is sometimes progress and recovery.

Thanks for being here and I will one day again be stronger than these things.

[Simmshe]

DC,

Great advice and insights that you have gotten from others, so I'll just add another perspective (that we often overlook when it comes to the diet/binge cycle).

I really need to examine my behaviors and figure out why, for me, all of this tastes better than thin feels right now.

You know why it all tastes better than thin feels? Because your brain is going beserk right now. And I know this phenomenon very well because I was semi-starved (and not self-imposed--my siblings and I were left without food and only got free lunch from school as our meal during the week and nothing on the weekends) for about two months when I was 13 years old. Guess what happened when I was reintroduced to food in abundance a few months later? I ate and ate and ate--going from 150lbs to 250lbs in less than a year, hence the beginning of my morbid obesity saga.

We are ALL at our most vulnerable point right after losing weight and depriving ourselves of food. You are having a food fest, in part, because your brain is sending EAT signals to try and get some of the fat back that you took away from it and it thinks it needs. These signals are overpowering. Of course they were put here to ensure our survival, but in our cases, our bodies don't know that we don't need the extra fat that we just lost. Also, the desire to want to eat tasty things that we have denied ourselves after being on a weight loss plan is pretty natural. Where we sometimes go wrong (and I did this myself a few weeks ago with eating "just a little" great tasting food while in Bermuda and you all know how that turned out!) is that we indulge in these treats too soon. Your taste buds get a taste of those carbs or sugar or fat, and your brain takes over from there--sending you like a madwoman to get more!

Anyways DC, please don't beat yourself up because of this small blight--learn from this. It sounds like you were caught without a plan, and perhaps, as Sylvia mentioned, the lack of confidence that you can maintain. Don't let that faulty fear cripple you. I think that lack of a structured-to-semistructured plan for maintenance has the potential to get us all into a lot of trouble.

Just try to be kind to yourself and know that this isn't all willpower involved here--you have a crafty brain that's driving you to overeat, too. But, being more cautious as you transition will help to tame the brain.

Take care of yourself and let us know how you're doing. And don't even think that you are going to completely backtrack into old ways--you will come out of this on top .

Sheryl

[DutchChoc]

Simmshe, thanks and I'm sorry to hear of your experience at 13. I can't begin to imagine being hungry "for real", without alternatives.

I wasn't caught without a plan, actually, I was unwilling to follow the plan I had researched and could have followed. I "just didn't want to".... without expecting quite this plight though, I have to venture.

I've thrown a bunch of stuff away, and, though I'm once again stuffed from eating a McDonald's cheeseburger and fries that I'd socked away in September when my son didn't want it (did I say I have a thing about nothing going to waste, er, waist?? no, not waist, I guess). Between now and dinner, I'll dispose of what I would otherwise want to salvage there -- just squash, on the surface, but after the squash, it would turn into another free-for-all, most likely. For dinner, I'll plan to have a shake and see how that goes. It may be premature for me to seize hold and think I can stop, but I'd like to get a toe-hold today. Tomorrow, I'll be back at work -- yes, they will notice that I'm not looking gaunt, I'm sure -- and being back at work will be a peaceful alternative to this.

Each day seems to have become a greater manifestation of food fantasies, to the point that today I rallied my stashed ingredients and made turtles, choc covered frozen bananas, caramel apples, and -- more yuck. It hasn't been all that fun. Disgusting is more the matter. I'd already likened myself to Charlotte Web's Templeton the rat at the fair a couple of days ago. I hope I'm "fedup" enough to stop here.

[fedup]

Well girl, ya still got your sense of humor, and that is indeed a good thing! You'll get through this! One thing to think about is maybe not doing only shakes when your getting back on the wagon... use the soups and bars, the variety is a must for me. Only you know what works for you... I sometimes write these big long rambling letters about what I'm feeling and go on and on... then I usually rip them up. Usually helps me vent anger and hurt, etc...

I just remember you saying once that in the past you gained back weight in the past almost to "show people" or to say that you could. Maybe I'm not wording it right, but make sure your not trying to send anyone else a message, 'cause you don't want to hurt yourself in the process.

I've been having a crappy day too, and I know how it can be, but we're in it together! PM me if you ever want to, I think we've been through some similar stuff w/ the SO's and other stuff .... I'm always here, just like everyone else is too!!

[gr8views]

DC,

I haven't been lurking or participating long, but you have been a tremendous role model as I prepare to lose weight. I can't add much to this line of support, except to say that you CAN do this!

A couple of days ago, someone wrote something about a realization that made an impact on me. Basically once you are maintaining and are mentally ready to maintain, you can choose to have only one piece of pizza, candy, etc. because a couple of days later, you could have another at that time as long as you are paying attention.

I think that the scarcity mentality can be a downfall for many - maybe not in your case. I think that's something that takes time to get through.

Anyway, everyone here supports you and has watched you battle and WIN! I'm sure you'll do that once again...

Diane

[Nancy]

Awww….Dutch ~

Just read your posting. Yep, let’s talk! I’ll send you my number!

On my devo calendar this morning: Empathy – your pain in my heart.

Weight management is not about being perfect.

That is a lesson that many of us foodies have to learn. As one who has struggled with food issues all of my life, I know all about how crazy one can become in striving for perfection. Not only has it made me cwazy, it has made my poor family cwazy at times, too.

Dutch, I am concerned about several things: after having been successfully program compliant, please think about your tummy – porking out – eating high-fat foods can be detrimental to your gallbladder…don’t harm it! Having a big load of sugar after having eaten relatively low-sugar meals for three months can create insulin surges that will not feel happy either!

Dutch you have done a marvelous job of sticking to your resolve to do 100 Days of Shakes. You do so well when you are purpose driven and held accountable. Perhaps what we need then is to come up with a new purpose for you!

God has created us not as flat one dimensional beings but rather, we are a composite of body, soul and mind. There are times in our lives when we need to seek a professional when we are struggling in any of these areas that are beyond our expertise. There is so much to be learned. If you are struggling, get the help that you need.

Rather than react to my negative circumstances, I try to create a new action.

Some things to consider: What will help me to realize my goals and dreams?

Uncontrolled eating binges do not lead to improving the outcome of our lives.

Positive actions result in positive feelings.

Just like the fact that we will constantly be faced with an abundance of available food, we will also have situations that arise that may not be the best. We must learn to approach them as positively as we can, to view them as opportunities to grow and to learn and not allow one particular circumstance to determine how and what we eat.

I agree: stop the negative behavior. Eating binges can be stopped.

We must first analyze the situation, determine the triggers that set us off and then interrupt the behavior pattern. Change it. DIN DIN (Do it Now – see my newsletter http://www.makemethinner.com/newsletter/medifast-june-newsletter.htm)

For me, I changed the route I used to travel that takes me by one of my favorite scarfing places. I totally avoid that area unless I am accompanied by friends or family. I will literally drive MILES out of my way to avoid it.

If you MUST have ice cream, do like we do – we go TO the ice cream shop, order it and eat it there – do not sit in the car

Empty out that freezer and DIN. What's with the frozen cheeseburger? They don't taste that great when they are hot and fresh...

If your friend is your downfall, change friends or always see that friend only when you have another person with you who can help you to stick to your resolve.

Focus on the positives – list all the good things that you have accomplished.

(BTW, Sheryl and Diane - transition is designed to ease folks back into eating regular foods by adding back foods in a prescribed order and in prescribed quantities.)

Don’t permit this little dip in the road to rob you of the joy of your journey or rob you of your self-worth.

I am proud of you for disclosing your situation, Dutch. It’s not easy, but it is an important step in getting healthy and whole.

[susan]

hey dc
you can get back on .I really had to fight myself to make it back and I finally did and right now I would love to have some cheese crackers my husband has been eating but I will fight it and drink a cup of hot bouillion and it will pass I go to bed hungry sometimes but I am tired of the bloober and my knees are tired of carring it around so I haft to stay true to this because it works and I want to wear some nice clothes not sloppy sacks.I will finish off the 43# so I can .you can pick your self up and get back on the train believe me I have been where you are and you can overcome just ask the man up there to help you and he will.susan

[fedup]

How's it going today Dutch? Still a fight or better? Either way we're all here for you!

[LongWay2go]

DC yes, call Nancy immediately, and you can call me too, if you want. I have a toll free number and it's yours for the asking. Honey (no insult intended!) you have come so far and this isn't the time to screw things up! You need some intervention - not a beating up - but intervention by someone who cares and WE ALL CARE HERE!

We never talk about this around here, but you might consider calling the local Overeaters Anonymous group in your area. Although I don't particuarly agree with their "plan", they would at the very least offer someone local that you can call at a moments notice when you need resistance. And you and I are in the same time zone, so you are welcome to call me without risking waking someone up! If you want my number, send me a PM or email.

~Gerald

[hawaiiwhatnot]

Dear friend Dutch,

Sweetheart, I'm wanting to say something or do something to help you right now. Gerald is so right that there are people here who CARE about you. I am one of them. You are a role model to me. I'm right behind you as to reaching my goal, and who knows, I may falter too. What I'm doing to try to remain steadfast in these REALLY tempting final days is looking inward. That's where my problem with food lies.


I do pilates (you exercise too). I highly recommend yoga because of it's ability to unite your mind and body. Exercising aerobics is good but doesn't make you focus on what you're thinking. Doing yoga, you first exercise the body, then you sit and exercise the mind. This is a new experience for many. You concentrate on what thoughts are swirling around in your head, and you try to control your mind to focus on one thing.


Exercising your mind like this is invaluble because it will teach you to stop thinking about what you shouldn't be and allow you to CENTER yourself. You must concentrate on what you should be doing. As you meditate, you must "see" yourself in your own mind's eye starting to binge but STOPPING, and doing something productive or KIND to yourself. This is a method professional athletes use. They visualize themselves succeeding.


I can relate to you Dutch. I confess I have a very destructive nature. I'm a perfectionist. I punish myself when I haven't lived up to my expectations. There is NO ONE HARDER on me THAN ME!!! I am my own worst enemy. I am learning to LIKE myself. How?


First, I've lost this weight that's held me back from enjoying so much.


Second, I'm keeping in mind some of the important rules in life:

a. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours
for the entire period this time around. I'm trying to keep in mind my body is my "temple". If I'm going to be a vessel for God's love, in order to spread HIs love for us all to make peace in this world, I have to take care of the body God gave me. I owe it to Him. I don't want to have to answer to Him why I wrecked this perfectly good body for such selfish reasons.

b. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and
resources you need; what you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours. I have to make a mature adjustment in my life, and quit taking the childish route of just placating myself with food. I am aspiring to a higher purpose now. To become more selfless. To love myself for who and what I am. This way I'll be a better vessel, friend, wife, citizen, person.

c. The answers lie inside you. The answers to life's questions lie inside
you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust. I'm consciously setting time aside each day to pray prayers and pray the Rosary. This isn't something I always did - I prayed only in times of desperation or hearing of those who needed it. This is giving me inner peace and a sense of higher aspiration. I have improved my relationship and communication with my higher Power. I ask for help now. I still can't seem to ask it of my friends, but maybe I'll get there too soon.


d. Life is short. I'm having more fun. I'm starting to live.


Dutch, I'm sorry for the lengthy dissertation here but I hope some of my words help. I know you'll be there for me when I need it, and I want to be that kind of a friend to you.


Don't be unhappy anymore. Stop. Get a grip. Switch gears. Do it.


All my love and support,
Camille

[DutchChoc]

Thanks, friends. Today I've managed to hop aboard and stay aboard my favorite train -- heading out of Troublesville!! Stopping the destructive behavior is always an option and obviously it's usually the best option. I wanted you all to know that I was taking responsibility for what happened to me -- or, rather than stating it so passively, for what I did by deciding that I could do whatever I wanted in spite of that being counterproductive. Obviously, it was quite a setback -- and yet, I'm wondering, if it served the purpose of breaking the tension of such a protracted effort as I'd put forth --without reaching what I thought was a goal, by the way.

At the onset, let's say by the time I posted my 100 day photos, I was already subliminally telling you and telling myself that there was obviously no reason for me to keep trying to get that last pound or two off. I "proved it" to my satisfaction with the photos. I never came right out and said that I'd accepted my present (past) state as a fait accompli, but I decided it in my own head. I also knew, and mentioned, that I was really weary of trying. On top of that, I was collecting huge numbers of recipes of things I wanted to eat, to my detriment, because it was a huge frustration. I was also collecting some ingredients and cooking gadgets. I was planning for a binge, basically. I brought together all the necessary components to make that binge possible and likely. When I put the fateful turkey in the pan on Friday, I also cut up and placed in the pan a squash that I brought back from Massachusetts. By doing that, as no one else likes squash and I love it, I already knew I wasn't going to avoid eating it -- and other things, that day. Well, transition does not begin with squash, and I knew that!!

So, I obviously lost my head and had my way with myself! And yes, fedup, I do still have my sense of humor.

I try not to exploit the things I do wrong out of respect for the character of this program and the belief that it does work and it does help us so much.

Re help, I contemplated the OA issue and I know that I have a significant enough problem to warrant that or professional help. Obviously I still have to deal with the come-down phase of this program, even if I am able to move back into stringency. As far as I can figure, I might not do any better on the next occassion, although I anticipate that it will be Thanksgiving and away from home and I probably won't have the nerve to do any of this stuff at someone else's house.

So -- I am going to reread all of your thoughts and words and I'll keep you all up on how I'm doing. We're quite a close group here and I appreciate your frankness and my own perception that being frank about myself is safe, too.