Sometimes you actually do get the answers to your questions. I've been trying to figure out for a long time why I haven't been able to follow any diet since 2000, since the last time I was successful in losing weight. Yes, I had some setbacks, job loss when my firm closed, divorce, mom passing, etc. but something else happened inside me during the ensuing years and I stopped doing the things I was doing to take care of myself. I stopped working out when my knees were too painful and the rest is history. I found myself going from 209, slowly back up to my then all time high of 260, then up and up until I saw the number 3 on the scale. How did this happen?
I've been struggling with this program like nobody's business. I know this is the right program for me. I like the food. It fits into my lifestyle. What's the problem? I got my answer yesterday
I had a dream Wednesday night. In it, I was in a situation where I was happy and doing what I wanted to do, working to complete a project, when someone came and said I had to come with them, that I didn't belong there, that I belonged with them. I did everything in my power to stay where I was, I didn't want to leave, I was happy there. When I first woke up and remembered the dream, I thought it had to do with my family. Then about an hour later, I realized what it was really telling me. I want to stay where I am. I'm comfortable here, I know what to expect. "Here" is fat, "here" is eating junk, "here" is not changing. That's the sabateur in me, the subconscious mind who wants to stay here where she's comfortable and not venture into a strange world.
This may sound oversimplified, but to me it was a powerful breakthrough. The reason I've been struggling with being totally compliant is I'm comfortable. This is the world I know. Well, you know what? I'm not going to give in to that part of me that wants to stay put. I'm stronger than that. Yes, I do have a strong sense of wanting to stay here in this realm -- fast food, no exercise -- equals no life. Why would I want to stay here? Because it the only world I've known for the last five years.
I know what it's like to lose a lot of weight. I know how I felt when I lost 51 pounds. The feeling is indescribable. That's is the feeling I am on this journey to find. I want change, I want to be thin and I won't let anything stop me. I will not waste the next five years of my life. I've squandered the last five. I won't let the "lesser" part of me take away my hopes, my dream, my desires.
Now that I know a part of me wants to stay here, doesn't want to give up my fast food, and doesn't want a vibrant life, well it's time to start working on changing that, isn't it? I figured it's time to learn to love myself again and start taking care of me and stop doing the things that are hurting my body and my mind. I'm going to remember the confident, cocky, bubbly girl I was in 2000 when I was losing weight. OMG, did I feel good!
THAT'S what I want. I want that confidence back, I want the feeling that I can do or have anything if I want it bad enough. I want to have that smile back on my face everyday and give 100% to everything I do.
Yes, I had my shake this morning and I'm back!