I had stopped following Medifast 100% back on December 12th, and never really got back into it all the way. I halfheartedly would eat my MF oatmeal in the morning, have my three shakes at work (looking all diligent to my coworkers), then pig out at night. Not surprisingly, I wasn't losing. I went up and down on the scales, from 192 on December 6, to 203 on December 18. Then I bounced around from about 195-200 for a couple months. Going nowhere.
Somehow I got it in my head that this Medifast thing just was not working for me. I mean, hey, obviously, I couldn't STAY on it right, so why waste my time and money? It made financial sense to go back to WW. I figured I lost 56 pounds on it before... so why not? I could even do it at home with my old books for free.
Yesterday I wrote Spidey a long PM, explaining my choice oh-so-rationally, and thanking him for his care and concern. But I was a strong person, I could do this on my own, I didn't need MF. I wasn't giving "bogus" excuses. I was really a stronghold of intellectual might
So last night I was writing up my grocery list for today's shopping. All the fruits and vegetables and soups for lunch, veggie burgers, etc. It looked so healthy and normal on paper.
Then I read some reviews online for frozen dinners. Hmm, those sounded good, I should get some of those too. Then I realized at 9 pm I was REALLY hungry. So did I have some leftover MF oatmeal and go to bed? Nah! I tore into some string cheese (240 cals), a box of low-fat Triscuits (240 cals), 2 Balance bars (420 cals), and a Diet Pepsi to wash it down. A little bedtime snack of 900 calories.
This morning, I was looking over my list of chores for today, and stuck grocery-shopping at the top. Then I read the backlog of posts here. I saw Hawaiiwhatnot's incredible new photo set with Hoss the Harley
I read how you all are losing so well... I saw how Shrink has come so far and she started at the same time I did yet has lost 3 times what I have. 
(Go Shrink!)
A little voice in my head was starting to pipe up. I looked over my budget again. Ok, so I was going to be short about $100 if I bought another 4 weeks of Medifast. I could work 4 hours overtime on a Saturday twice a month and make that up. 8 hours a month was not much of a sacrifice... come on now!
Then my little brain did some more computing. Ok, say I went back to Medifast, with my old gung ho enthusiasm? If I was on it 100% from February through June? I projected at my old loss average of 3 pounds a week, that I would be done in mid-June. That would be about $500. Gee, was it worth $500 to be at my goal and more to the point, be super healthy? To not have struggled with backsliding and guilt and anguish... or hunger? To have my cholesterol be finally below 200?
The lightbulb went on over my dim little brain.
Uh... HECK YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have Seen The LIGHT!
And it is shining out of a plastic shaker jar!
Why mess around right now with grocery shopping? With "real food"? Obviously, I DO NEED the Medifast ease, the hard-core rules and discipline to keep my butt in line. A big old butt kick by Spidey took a bit to, uh, kick in, but it did.
At first, I thought he was being a big meanie
and I thought, hey, I'm a grown-up, and I can make my own choices buster! Get off my back!
But then like slowly dripping water on a stone, it started to wear away what were in fact, my foodie excuses. I remembered WHY I lost weight successfully on Weight Watchers before... because I had someone cooking regular meals for me (Thanks, Mom! heh!) and of course I couldn't binge eat or drink when I was living at home (1999-2001) due to the constant presence of the parental units.
When I moved out in October 2001, I weighed 170. Kinda heavy, but not bad. 12 pounds over my WW range limit. 1 year later, I was up to 185. Another year later, I hit 200. Then ANOTHER year later, this past October, guess what? I was at 216. Do you see a pattern?
I was CONSTANTLY gaining. Sure I had my little ups and downs. I would get all excited if I went under 200. But then I'd boing back up again.
Then this past October, I got scared. I saw the writing on the wall. I was getting really big. Bigger than I had ever been before. I was struggling to even walk up one measly flight of stairs at work. Do you know how embarassing it is to come out of the stairwell in front of your coworkers after 12 steps up and be PANTING for air? To have your hips and knees ache? And I was only 33. I needed some serious help!
In my desperation, I came across the name of Medifast, and I thought this is my ticket to thin. TAKE IT SISTER!
So I did, and wow, did it work. The first three days were not pretty, but I got through it. Then it was so easy... I liked not going to the grocery store. I LOVED watching the scale drop almost EVERY SINGLE DAY. It was crazy! Who loses weight like this and feels great doing it?
Turns out I could. But then I got depressed over some bad news I got in December and ran right back to my old "friends" of pizza and wine - UGH! Did I find a lot of comfort in porking out and getting fatter? Nope. It's really creepy how your brain gets used to that numbness though! And whispers all the "right" things to you when you are depressed - "you deserve it" or "you know it will make you feel better" or "can't you taste it? mmmm!"
I got lost in this smoke and mirrors world for 2 months, and while I did not regain much, I was in limbo. Nothing good was happening. I had it in my power to get back in the groove and take care of my health, but I stayed in the dark, eating when and whatever I wanted.
But today... that little voice suddenly said "Dang girl, STAND UP FOR YOURSELF and FINISH THIS!"
I'm going to order more of my miracle Medifast tomorrow night.
Hey is there still an open seat on that train?
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