The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[DutchChoc]

Now who doesn't want to go to sunny FL? Who would rather stay home in the safety of four Medifast walls rather than go visiting for the weekend? Is my arm being twisted? Am I a slave to a plan without obvious merit? Do I submit too easily to what I don't really want, and why don't I want it?

Well, it's because these people (would-be-inlaws) have disappointed me time and time again, AND YET, anytime I have to face them, I try to put on a good coat of armor (read -- lose weight to feel invincible), only to have them find some hole in it and insipidly gain access to my sanity!! And now, I take my precious Medifast "future" to their doorstep and want to prevail, with THEM, who detest any deviance from their own agendas -- not drinking regular coffee with them - problem; not drinking wine with them - problem. Etc.

So, this will be a test for me, once again, and I don't want to come home after the weekend with a big non-Medifast bruise on my soul. Wish me luck!! It seems a bit unfair on both sides for us to entertain each other, but it's all about maintaining appearances.

[explorthis]

Time for Guido’s 2 or 35 cents here… I read that these are your “would-be-in-laws” correct? This means eventually you will marry the “would-be-spouse”? Couple of angry thoughts racing through my head, as I type this – first of all, since you are considering marital bliss to this person (and this is not my beef) should he NOT be supporting you 100% over and above listening to his parent(s) make derogatory comments about you, weather your consuming their choice of caffeine, or alcohol? (Long fragmented sentence) If it ‘twer my future bride, and my parental units ever thought the opportunity to make the slightest negative comment about the person I was preparing to spend the rest of my life with, out come the dagger, and the Guido dagger you shall hide from!

Secondly, again I have preached this before – WE CREATE OUR OWN CIRCUMSTANCES! Lie, don’t lie, tell them what you want, tell them NOTHING – it AIN’T their business. If they choose to snub you, and/or make some comment(s) about your weight (lest we forget – your 13 tiny pounds from your goal) then these are people you should not want to associate with – in-laws or not. Additionally your “future” should be supporting you, completely at this point, or there is something awry. Fat is a demeaning disease that our minds and brains have quite never become friends with. We live and breathe every minute of being fat and or overweight. We do not need some Starbuck swinging right winged comment spewing leftist to make light of a situation, alcohol or caffeine related about our weight. We know about it already.

I say tell them (or have your “future”) exactly where to put the comments, preferably where there is no sun shining!

Ok, off the pedestal now. Did you miss me?

-Mike

[sudaoning]

I am with Guido 10000000% here

Steel yourself sister.

This is about YOU.....your mental and physical health. Your happiness. Your self esteem. Not the in-laws. NOT the future's!

If you do not take care of yourself, NO ONE will.

If you are not being permitted to be yourself, make your own choices, something is wrong!

Sister, those accumulated bruises on our souls are what made most of us fat to begin with..........

We are with you.

[hawaiiwhatnot]

Dutch,

I'm with Mike on this one. Mike, I've missed you!

It could be a misunderstanding in that your future in-laws may just want you to have fun. However if it were me, I would discuss with my fiance that it really translates to me as a lack of consideration for my well-being and a lack of respect for my view point. I would feel belittled, and especially concerned since this issue regards my health.

If your fiance understands all that, perhaps he could run interference for you when your in-laws make these plays to get you to also partake in their fun food and drink activities.

Your in-laws may not have any idea what effect their coercion has! Once they do, they may turn into your biggest allies! I'm very big on communication. Just by opening up to your fiance or mother-in-law with "I need to discuss something serious with you, that's very important to me right now and that I really need your help with..." Tell them they should have been treaty negotiators as their skills of persuasion are world class - that it's no wonder they are such fun people to be around; however, you need them to use their amazing powers of persuasion to help you continue your healthly weight loss program. Ask them to be your coaches since they are so good at guiding people.

Just my thoughts. I hope they understand you Dutch and how important this is to you.

Your MF Pal,
Camille

[Carrie]

Actually I'm not sure you really want to come to Florida this weekend - from the looks of it most of the state will be affected by Hurricane Frances - and it's a Category 4.

But if you do come - one of my favorite sayings is "F*** em if they can't take a joke". Don't let anybody or anything derail you from your plan. People all too often have ulterior motives in which your best interest is not at heart. Tell em all to go stuff it and do your own thing.

My two cents.....

Carrie

[DutchChoc]

It felt WONDERFUL to get that off my chest today and I thank you for reading and replying to my problem. I am still edgy about this and probably will be until I return "victorious" on Monday.

This # of rolling MF days is too good to give up, for all the tea in China, for all the pleasure/aggravation I might sustain. Plus, I'd like to have a good thing to tell you upon the return.... like maybe the Sunday's weigh-in I will miss until Tuesday morning, probably. What I am certain of is that a diet detour, and for me, that would be even the 5-1 or attempt at it, I'd very possibly never come back from it. I realize I'll need the discipline to do that eventually, but it has to be under "laboratory conditions".

Anyway, here goes to reply to what you were kind to write to me:

Mike, yes, you have a wonderful place here to remind us that we matter SO MUCH that we have to care for ourselves. You're so right to remind me that fat is a demeaning disease and we live and breathe the fumes of it every waking moment - whether we're fat or thin, I believe. Some people, I suppose, can't understand that, can't understand that "about us", or whatever. My brain will never be friends with a fat self of mine. I could get therapy forever and no amount of it would ever get me to accept myself. I'd just have to pick up the plow and try to get it off again sooner or later. In fact, I've spent much of my life trying to fix this thing about me. Re alcohol for example, having had an alcoholic mother, I know that I never want to become an alcoholic, either, even though they've made light of that fear of mine.

I remember someone else once used the term "faux inlaws" in the context of the kind of "would-be" that I mean. There might never be a marriage, frankly. It isn't anything they'd be happy to see and it isn't anything I'd be particularly happy to see either. Yes, it does raise other questions, as in is it even worth doing, then? Boyfriend has been acclimated by said family to the extent that he knows better than to deviate far from what they dictate, which also answers the question of him sticking up for me much. It would "cost him".

Sudaoning, yes, those are the same bruises that got us fat. I do need to steel myself because it will be a dangerous adventure. In despair, I might even blame them for getting off my plan. Of course, if that happens, it won't really be their fault, it will be ME trying to get some benny out of it, rather sadistically!!

Hawaiiwhatnot, they really just tolerate me. This has been going on about six years already! I often have very emotional reactions to things that happen while I'm there. Mostly, it's the minimalist success of his mother's quips, like once, "Oh, you packed up your house to come here, just like the Beverly Hillbillies". And then she laughed. And so did I, just as though there was no insult. I could try to at least communicate my dedication to my "mission", and then I could ALSO ensure that I don't fail in it or they'd really have something to gloat over.

Carrie, the hurricane might be one saving grace, depending on when it will come along. We're probably going to leave Washington DC area Thursday after work and drive down I-95 way. Will have to wait and see on that one, I guess. I appreciate your saying and I know that what I need to do is more important than slinging myself into the mud in despair or defeat over this. Things are going so good that I need for it to continue a while. This has been a real breather for me of not hating myself.

Thanks, everybody!

[Marseilles]

Hi Dutch..Might I suggest something kind of off the wall? It would go like this:

YOU: "Hey, SO, about our trip to Florida this weekend..."
SO: "Yeah?"
YOU: "I've decided not to go"
SO "Huh? Why not?"
YOU: "Because I honestly dont want to..."
SO: "Well, they're expecting us" (or insert any other response that might be forthcoming, right down to a fight)
YOU: "Im not asking you not to go, if you would like to go see your folks, great..have a safe trip and I'll see you when you get home."
SO: "But, but, but, but, but...."
YOU: "No, really..Ive decided not to go. I'd rather chew on broken glass."

YOU hold the power hun, not your significant other (a.k.a SO) or anyone else. YOU are long past the age that anyone can force you to do something painful to YOU. Embrace the power in that. YOU, my friend, are in COMPLETE control.

-M.

[Nancy]

Wow! Great comments from everyone – see, Little Darlin’ we DO care – more for you and your MF commitment than the faux in-laws.

I’m with you Folks on this.

I think that I would rather not go – why KNOWINGLY subject yourself to any kind of skanky criticism for a four day holiday? Like, do you work hard all month long to earn your paltry one ‘National Holiday’ off from work and then spend it traveling into a potentially volatile situation and then there’s the impending Hurricane Frances, too! Why spend your holiday with people that merely tolerate you and belittle you?

I totally agree with Mike about your S.O. – IF you are not more significant to him than his Dad or Mommy, I see red flags here. I am a pastorette and over the years we have seen so many couples in our office that have ‘issues’ similar to your current dilemma.

While parental units are important (and I AM part of a P.U.), when a kid leaves, he is to cleave…We are to always show honor and respect to our parents, to be kind and respectful of those who are older than we but a man who truly leaves, cleaves. Who is important here? Mom, Dad or you?

I guess if I were feeling assertive and strong, I’d go on the trip and then just BE VERY ASSERTIVE and BE VERY STRONG.

If I were feelin’ puny in my spirit, I’d stay home, wave buh-bye to my S.O., rearrange my closets, visit Goodwill and drop off some donations and poke about the racks for something smaller to wear temporarily and then hit the mall for a really juicy outstanding smaller item and then I’d come home and hang that really juicy smaller item in a prominent place, take a bath, read a book, sip some Cranberry Mango Punch, frequently gaze upon and touch that really juicy skinny item and think about all the skinny things I can do and all the skinny things I can wear, and all the happy ways I’ll feel when those last 13 pounds drip away…

[DutchChoc]

Well, Marseilles, HI!!! I will tell you that I have definitely thought of doing the exact same conversation and in the inner recesses of my control center, I know that that's exactly what I should do in order to stay safe. The thing is, I'm very unlikely to exercise that option because I'm fairly good at not doing the advantageous for myself. I am somehow not the beater of my own drum at 46. I certainly have limits about how compromising I'm willing to be, but it's in the "very compromising" spectrum!! This sets me up for, yes, a very compromising trip, where obviously "seeing them" puts my six weeks of good practice to a tough test.

Fortunately, I am also stubborn. Now, how could that be, you might ask? I dunno, but I am very stubborn. There's a pretty good set of odds that I will not fall off my MF pedestal just because I have declared this whole thing not worth that. I ceremoniously refuse to come home a broken woman!! But it will be tough, no doubting that, and I also don't expect it to be much "fun"!!

Nancy, I like the picture of your stay-at-home version, too -- very clear in my mind how that would go. I'd have time to sew or whatever, and you're so right that it IS precious time. The good thing is that the driving/on the road portion will consume lots of time if I go and I'm thinking it will be only some of Friday, all of Saturday, and some of Sunday to be in the "most difficult" category. That sounds like about 10 shakes. And if I go, I will take my blender and probably even my "decaf" maker.

Well, have to get ready for work. Take care!

[Marseilles]

You know...

Just FTR, I am also in FL and depending on where you might be visiting, we could always get together for coffee..would be very nice if we were in the same city and you could have a means of escape if you needed one. Send me a PM and lets chat

Just dont take any unnecessary crap Dutch! I am SOO sympathetic to your plight and let me tell you from experience, the day my SO and I sat down with his mother and I said exactly this: "Mother-in-law, while I understand your intentions are probably honorable, you show me very little respect. While your son loves you unconditionally and always will, it is your right as his Mom, he CHOSE to love me and to spend the rest of his life with me. if you can not somehow find a way to show me due respect, I am sorry, but we will not have anything to do with you." was the day the scales tipped in my favor. This transpired with my SO by my side and you know..as much as I thought the world would end and take me with it..or my marriage would, or whatever else I was fearing at the time..I think the act itself earned her respect and it also shut her mouth. She had a firm set of boundaries by which to conduct herself, and has. This from the woman who refused to speak to me for months after we married because we eloped and ruined 'her' day.

Food for thought..The reaction may come as a surprise...

Be well Dutch, I hope your day is an awesome..and like I said, send me a PM..might turn out that we are in the same city this weekend and could get together!

-M.

[DutchChoc]

Yeah, I can see how that would work, lol!! This is such an incorrigible (sp?) woman, though. She says things like, this is a direct quote from Valentine's Day dinner, "The girl doesn't matter." It isn't much out of context, even. She was trying to make me ski with SO's brother's girlfriend and when my SO told her that it was his brother's job, basically, she said that. Woudst that the "not mattering" could smack her squarely in her female nose... what makes her matter, then?

I'll be in Orlando/Winter Park area?

[Nancy]

Dutch ~

I'm thinking it will be only some of Friday, all of Saturday, and some of Sunday to be in the "most difficult" category

I'd say the S.O.'s mother rivals Hurricane Frances in intensity. Perhaps she is a category 10.

Beep! Beep! Back away from the Mother-in-Law. Repeat, Beep! Beep!Back Away from the Mother of all Mother-in-Laws.As Roseanne RosannaDanna always said, "it's always something." Dutch, I fear that if if it isn't the Decaf or the "What? Is THAT all you're going to drink and I went to all the trouble to shop for these groceries and prepare this meal JUST for You?" gar`bahje...it'll always be something else...but I think you already know that...

It is always easier for us - your audience - to analyze one another's lives, to come up with some wild responses, and some even wilder ways others ought to run their lives...we just don't always know what it's like to be in another's skin.

Please know that your MMT Friends care about you, about your health (mental, emotional and physical), about your success on The Plan and we just want you to know that we stand by YOU.

[DutchChoc]

Thanks, and because you're special to me, too, I'll be careful. T'won't be so bad, maybe.

[hawaiiwhatnot]

Ok, after reading more about your faux-in-laws, I want to change my answer to Marseilles' (FUNNY and EFFECTIVE). Hard for me to stand up for myself too Dutch. I'm a people pleaser, and I think all people are good at the core. This is naive as my husband says. But I trust people until they do something to make me mistrust them. You're NOT appreciated it sounds like and you should be. With your new inner strength that comes from your healthier body, maybe you should shop around-if you know what I mean. Don't give in to them this time dear! Remember you've got a gang now here, and we can easily become an angry mob if you're mistreated!

Hang in there - stick to your guns!
Camille

[DutchChoc]

Thanks, hawaiiwhatnot, and congratulations on your 41 pounds lost. That's three months of solid effort you've put forth and you're SO being rewarded. We'd all like "more" reward, I feel safe saying, but the dutiful thing is to keep moving forward. It's working so much better than anything else has.

I was noticing on my drive home that my forearms are getting fairly thin... wowsa!! When I did more weights, I had more muscle there and it didn't look like this. I LIKE this -- it seems more feminine.

Anyway, the hurricane is looking like a good deterent!