The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[Carrie]

A couple years ago I used an online dating service. And about 1% of the men matched with my profile.... meaning they didn’t ‘mind’ a fat girl. The other 99% percent all very specifically only clicked on ‘slim/slender/athletic’. One guy actually made his heading ‘NO FAT CHICKS’. I also noticed while browsing profiles that a good many of them said that they were seeking someone ‘height/weight proportionate, who took care of themselves’. That sent me into a rampage. I would sit and fume ‘What the hell are they talking about, I take care of myself. I manage my life, I pay my bills, I get everything done, etc, etc, etc.’ Then I would get hurt and think ‘Is it really so repulsive, so horrible to be fat that all these men wouldn’t even consider dating me?’ And then I would get self-righteous and decide that I am a beautiful, intelligent, etc, etc, woman, better than 90% of the skinny single women out there and if men aren’t intelligent enough to notice that then they could just go * bleepity bleep bleep *.

Recent posts have gotten me thinking about this again…. in particular about our relationships with other people and ourselves, and how it shapes us early in life and creates patterns that can be healthy or devastating.

I didn’t have the strongly emotional reaction to the posts that several others did and it made me wonder why. I certainly have those issues. I know for a fact that I have had relationships in which I expected the other person to complete me, or make me feel ok about myself. And I understand that I was looking for someone to love me when I didn’t even love myself, wasn’t able to love myself, and tried to replace it by being loved by someone else. And it just doesn’t work. You can’t cover up or heal a broken bone with a band-aid. And inherently, the men I wound up with turned out to be bad for me. They may have 'loved' me, but it was in ways that hurt me. And that isn’t love at all.

So how does this relate to my bingeing and obesity? Well …… the simple answer would be that it doesn’t. But that’s a copout. I am learning (slowly) that everything in my life is interdependent on everything else in my life. It’s a big web and each intersection leads to every other intersection in my life. Inasmuch as respect is a part of love, my relationships with others are simply a part of my relationship with myself.

I have said before in the forum that food was my consolation for everything that didn’t go the way I wanted it to, and it was the celebration for everything that did go the way I wanted it to, and it was my ‘binky’, it comforted me when I was lonely. In essence food was my way of loving myself. And for years and years I simply could not see that my own love was hurting me. I truly believe that it has taken me years to arrive at this moment in time, when I can stick with a program and get healthy. Oh, don’t get me wrong, over the years I have said “If I really loved myself I would lose this weight”, but I was never able to make it happen. Slowly, ever so slowly, I have been learning to respect myself. I understand now what those e-date guys meant when they said ‘takes care of themselves’. They mean they’re looking for someone who cares enough about their body, life and health not to destroy themselves eating destructively.

It seems horrifying to me now that I have disrespected my body so terribly all these years with my bingeing and obesity. That was not love. Love and respect for myself means making choices that make all of me healthy and happy. Even when my knee jerk reaction is to binge ….. I have to look at the bigger picture and do what is best for me. Inasmuch as I would end an abusive relationship with a man, I have ended my abusive relationship with food.

This seems so very clear and obvious to me right now, at this moment, that I cannot imagine what I have been doing all these years. I only know that I ‘get it’ now. I make a conscious choice every day to do what is in my best interest and follow through with my choice. That is love. That is respect.

I came to this towards the end of my quest for self-love and respect, I’m almost there. My weight is the last piece of the puzzle I need to make fit. But others may need to get the weight part out of the way earlier on in the journey and build from there.

That is what each of us is doing right now, every time we have an MF meal instead of an extra value meal. Sometimes we get lost in negative emotion, stress, and impulse. But those will pass and by resuming our programs we reaffirm our love and respect for ourselves.

<group hug>

Carrie

[Tonya]

What a great post! I have struggled with the food cycle - eat to feel better and eat to celebrate - ever since college and it has gotten me nowhere except more depressed. If I can't be happy with myself and who I am (including what I look like) then I either need to change my expectations or start living up to them. I also have a horrible habit of choosing the wrong guys and then wonder why I'm constantly disappointed.

It sounds like you are soooo on the right track and I really do wish you all the luck in the world. Just stick with this and soon you'll have the body to show the world the way you feel about yourself!

[TamiL]

Carrie...that certainly was a post I can DEFINATLEY relate too my friend...so many of the same thoughts and feelings I have as well....that is what is so wonderful about this forum....when you think your the ONLY one who is struggling with something..you come here and realize you are NOT ALONE!! I too have noticed the On line dating stuff..no one wants to even get to know you if they cant see your picture..or get your "stats" which to me..is so shallow!! and why is it okay for men to have ROLLS and be FAT..and be loosing thier hair but not okay for us??? lol!! its a mans world unfortunatley!! but I am back on track today....thanks to all of you and your posts....Men are ON HOLD for me...they will be there when I am okay with ME...when I AM READY to let someone in...after I figure out how to LOVE myself first...then everything will fall into place!!

we girls need to stick together!! the heck with the MEN!! a good movie and a nice hot bath with a frothy chocolate medifast shake is okay with me for now!! lol!! and a teddy bear to snuggle with at night or on rainy days....untill some prince charming comes along and sees my HEART and my SOUL...not my THIGHS!! Ill be okay on my own!!

Tami

[Jeanette]

BIG FREAKIN' HUGS to ya!!!

Carrie, that post put into words what I have been thinking for a long time!!!

Thanks soooooooo much!!!

[shineface]

I LOVE YOU GUYS --

YOU ALL KNOW WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH- WHAT I'M THINKING AND WHERE I WANT TO BE.

BIG HUGS - THANKS SO MUCH FOR THESE GREAT POSTS - AS YOU ALL KNOW - THEY ARE RIGHT ON WITH ME!!!!

W WILL do this together!!!

[Landylue]

Bear with me on this one, folks. . .

Several years ago I traveled to Canton, Texas to a HUGE once-a-month flea market and craft sale that must have covered a good 80 acres. On one of the tables that day there were around 30 toddler-sized teddy bears made from old quilts in various beautiful pastel colors--yellows, blues, pinks, mint greens--really very 'Springy'. But there in the middle of them all was a bear that was made from an old, badly stained quilt in dull shades of black, browns, and beiges. It was so 'out of place' sitting there among the other bears. It truly didn't belong. I just knew that it would be the only bear left at the end of the day, because no one would want it. I somehow was strongly drawn to it. As strange as it sounds, I didn't want the little bear to NOT be chosen, so I, of course, bought it. I named it Landylue, my nickname from when I was a kid, and gave it a place of honor on my made-up bed every morning.

Several weeks later my husband's Shar Pei dog got ahold of it while we were at work and chewed several sizable holes in the poor thing's nose, stomach, both arms, and one foot. The stuffing was poking out of all of the holes when I found it that afternoon. I remember picking the bear up and holding it like a child. As dumb as it sounds, I actually started crying because I hadn't been there to stop the dog from 'hurting it'.

Now, here's the strange part--I then heard God's voice like He was standing beside me. It was so very, very clear. He told me that this was how much He loved us. He said that we are never rejected by Him because of the pain and misfortunes that might happen to us in life, but are held even dearer, even closer to His heart because of them.

That was the very moment that I was profoundly delivered from a lifelong mindset of self-loathing, self-hatred, self-disgust, and self-destruction. Those feelings just disappeared! I haven't felt those emotions ever again since that moment. I not only had the head knowledge of God's love, I now had the heart knowledge, as well. And THAT has made all the difference in the world. I can now love ME, because I am so incredibley loved by Him.

So are each one of you.

I guess I went through all of that to emphasize that Carrie is 110% correct when she said, "... everything in my life is interdependent on everything else in my life. It’s a big web and each intersection leads to every other intersection in my life. Inasmuch as respect is a part of love, my relationships with others are simply a part of my relationship with myself."

Once you realise how much you are loved by your creator, loving yourself, and the others that come into and go out of your life will just simply 'happen'. Love is the "web" that connects you to everything else in life, and in Heaven.

By the way, the quilted Landylue has a much safer place of honor now. She sits in an antique highchair in our dining room. Bits of stuffing still protrude from the unmended rips and tears she received that day from the family dog. But, every time I look at her I am reminded of God's overwhelmingly unconditional love.

Landylue

[TamiL]

Landylue
Thank you....so much for that beautiful post...truly beautiful!!

Tami

[Carrie]

Landy ... your teddy bear story is like my last trip to the SPCA here. I had 2 cats, which I had had since they were kittens. I lost both of them last year, my girl was 15, my boy 13. I thought I would have the boy for several more years, and he was truly my darling, the cat of my life, if you will. He was never ill a day in his life, until the end when he got very ill and there was nothing the vet could do.

My house was cavernous and empty without them. So I decided that they would want me to save another cat the way I had saved them. I screwed up my courage and went to the SPCA. I walked into the cat rooms, saw the cats there and started bawling! I think the lady had been through that before because she just said "You lost your cat didn't you?" I got it together enough to spend some time with the cats there. There were so many in such little rooms that I instantly made the decision to get 2 instead of one. I had made arrangements to come do a pre-screening and select some likely candidates, and bring my parrot, Maggie, back later and see if the candidates acted too aggressive around Maggie.

One smallish black female sat patiently on a chair gazing at me from across the room while the other cats mobbed me. She seemed too shy to approach me, but hopeful. When I walked over to her and started petting her she instantly started purring and I even picked her up and she snuggled aginast me. Top candidate #1, Bella.

Of course there were a few others that I really liked. OK, who am I kidding ..... I wanted to take them all home. And while I Was there a couple other people came in and they all had very specific cats in mind. They wanted kittens or they wanted a long-haired white cat, they all were looking for beauty.

But I went into the next room, and this beat up tom cat ..... scars on his head, one ear permanently folded over from an injury .... started rubbing on my leg and purring. I knew in my heart that no one, no one, was going to take this battle-scarred cat home. He wasn't 'cute'. The cat lady told me that she had found him in dire condition, close to death, and had nursed him back to health. Top candidate #2, Terrace.

The next week I went back with Maggie and both Bella and Terrace passed the 'parrot test'. I brought them home ........ Bella is a total darling, and Terrace is just a big ole cuddly teddy bear, he couldn't be more loving, or more beautiful in my eyes.

[Tonya]

You guys made tears come to my eyes!!!! What a way to start off my day - with such strong, inspiring and loving stories. Thank you for sharing them with us !!

[Guest]

Carrie, I understand exactly what you were feeling! That's about the way I picked our Shar Pei. I went to the breeder's house three separate times, and each visit found this particular little fellow, for whatever reason, alone and separated from the others by at least a few feet. No matter if the puppies were asleep or awake, he was alone. Anyway, he grabbed my heart immediately.

When my daughter was a little girl and she would stand in a toy store trying to decide on which stuffed animal to select, she said she was haunted by the thought that the toy that she picked up and then put down when she selected another, would feel rejected.

Must run in the blood. . .

Landylue

[Carrie]

Landylue,
I'm surprised your heart didn't break on the spot when your daughter said that, it would've slayed me. But I can definitely relate. It was so difficult to make my choices, because I knew when I picked one cat, it meant I wasn't picking another. Thankfully our shelter here has a 98% adoption rate, so it gives me some peace that I know eventually they will be going to good homes, but it is still heartbreaking to leave them behind. The fact that you can't save them all is a tough and bitter reality, so I focus on what I can do and make sure I do it.

My mom goes to the flea market down here and there's a little old lady selling rather shabby, inexpertly made crafts she's made - at pretty high prices - and my Mom buys a bunch of stuff from her - because she can't stand to think of that lady sitting there and not selling anything.

LOL, better to have a mushy heart than a hard one right?

[Landylue]

Oh, my, I would much rather have a 'mushy' (compassionate) heart than to be cold and unfeeling of other people's feelings. And, I'm afraid I am guilty, also, of buying whatever anyone over 70 is selling at church or on a card table in front of WalMart. I look at them and see my parents, I suppose.

Wow, this has really been a 'chick thread', hasn't it! We should have put a 'girls only' warning in the subject.

Landylue