The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[holberry]

good morning Tawanda,
I wont shout, promise,
sounds like an exhausting day for you, take care.
hol

[SuzyQ66]

Hi Tawanda - I hope you are feeling better this evening. I love the way you lowered the font - as I was reading your post I was whispering it my head. Very creative.

[Tawanda]

Thank you everyone for you well wishes (and for whispering ). Headache was gone before the g'babies arrived for the day, thankfully. They are a handful to watch--10 months old and crawling. It is like herding cats to keep them occupied and diverted from things that interest them but I don't want them to be interested in. I have them at least 2 days a week and they are keeping me moving on those days. I love watching them, even on the days that they wear me out.

I was bummed this evening, after the babies went home and I had made DH some dinner, to find that I bought two packages of the wrong Boca Burgers. I bought some Boca breaded Chicken patties instead of the Boca Burgers. Arugh!! I checked the sodium & carbs---considered having them anyway.....but decided I didn't want the water retention or to chance the extra carbs (might have been 15 per patty, but I cannot remember for positive and it has to be 30 steps from here to the freezer--but I'm too tired -- and too lazy -- to go check, ). I didn't want to wait to eat until I baked some chicken breasts, didn't want to have another supplement as I was planning on a 6 supplement day with my L & G since I've been feeling kind of tired lately.....so I had a can of tuna (packed in water) with my salad. I didn't even check the Quick Start guide to see if a can was appropriate or not, didn't even think that it might not be an appropriate/allowed amount until right now. I was just so darn tired and needed to eat something and then I could go collapse in my easy chair. I guess I should check the QSG to make sure I know for the next time how much tuna is suppose to be the Lean. Oh well, right now I don't care at all.

Next week I have the babies 4 days.....I'd better start doubling up on my vitamins tonight, so that I'm ready.

[Sojourner]

Well I'm glad the whispering is over...

[Sojourner]

...'cause.........WooHoo!!! Way to go on the new club, Mizz T!!!

<img src="http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_2_48.gif" alt="SmileyCentral.com" border="0"><img border="0" src="http://plugin.smileycentral.com/http%253A%252F%252Fimgfarm%252Ecom%252Fimages%252Fnocache%252Ftr%252Ffw%252Fsmiley%252Fsocial%252Egif%253Fi%253D36%252F36_2_48/image.gif">

[Tawanda]

LOL Sojo! I'd love to spend time with you---it would be fun to match wits and bounce smart aleck remarks back and forth with you. I love quick witted and fun people---you are both and much, much more. Did I tell you I was glad you are back?

Scale still showing 172.......I'll take it happily! It even flickered at 171.5 for a short bit. I'm really considering buying a new scale that would weigh in tenths of pounds---then I do a mental slap upside my head and think I shouldn't be caring or worrying about lousy tenths of pounds.......I'm still 14# over the highest weight that is considered 'normal' for someone my height....tenths of pounds should not matter--ever, and certainly not when I'm still in the 'overweight' catagory in the BMI charts!

[Tawanda]

Okay, mood changed and now I'm pissy and having a bit of a pity party along with a growl at myself instead of being pleased & proud of how far I've come and how much my body has changed. I'm going to unload my mental baggage here and then try to kick myself in the seat of my pants to get my mind in a better spot (yeah, I know that sounds like I've got my mind in my bum and maybe that is true).

On the day that I ordered my first MF food I weighed 214. I was wearing a size 18W pant and those were uncomfortably tight. I am 5'7" tall (oh, and a quarter ). While fired up and excited about beginning MF (after reading so many success stories and seeing before/after photos on the MF site) I began using the SlimFast that I had in the cupboard for the past few years (I have since given the SF away). By the time the MF order arrived, I had lost 2# so my official starting weight was 212. I am 40# lighter (in case anyone had missed my yelling a few days ago) and 47.25" smaller than I was 16 weeks ago. I felt good about myself, thinner and thought I was looking 'good'. I knew I wasn't finished with losing weight nor striving to get to my goal weight of 140 (or below if it seems prudent to do so). But a couple weeks ago I began noticing that my body looked 'fat' again. That my belly is still ugly large and that those rolls on my back still look like ugly fish gills hanging there (a double set of both sides if you are into ugly visuals).

Yeah, I told you it was a lousy frame of mind....

My thighs and legs are still fat, flabby and nasty looking although my calves are beginning to show more definition and not looking so much like cankles (where your calves and ankles just flow into one stumpy looking thing).

My upper arms are bat wings and my neck looks like a cat scratched me from my chin to my mid neck, then there are the neck wrinkles that go from side to side as if someone put rubber bands around my neck and left indents.

I look in the mirror at 172 and I look gross not slim and trim and proud as I felt I looked 3 or 4 weeks ago.

Why couldn't I keep that feeling of pride and seeing the positive instead of the huge amount of work that still needs to be done?

I'm thankful that I do see the need to continue to get the extra weight off and to get to a healthy weight. Otherwise I would be tempted to stop this journey to goal, just as I've done it twice before in the last 7 years, when I hit 173#. This time I guess I've stuck with a weight loss program long enough at that weight for the rosy glasses, I was looking through, to change into the reality lenses that I hate so much.

Reality sucks.

So, now for the kick in the bum to get my mind back to a healthier and happier place (I hate being depressed and angry with myself). Reality is that:

*Yes, I've done a wonderful and healthy thing for myself by starting MF.

*Yes, I've lost 40# so far and that is a lot of weight (put 40# of hamburger or eight 5# bags of sugar on a counter and see how much it is). 40# is a loss to have pride about.

*Yes, my body has improved--even though I can't see it any longer--I still do remember the pride I felt in seeing a slimmer body in the mirror. I know I did!

*Yes, I do still have 30+ pounds to still lose (maybe even another 40#) and the transformation of my body will be impressive when I've lost it, just as the transformation after losing the first 40# was impressive (I remember that I thought the transformation was impressive at one time).

*Yes, my mind is a fickle and nasty thing at times and so willing to cause me pain and heartache. A part of my mind still believes that I'm worthless and a failure, that being thinner isn't going to be achievable for me. Why should I get to be a success at MF or one to reach their healthy weight goal and be one of those that others see as a success?

I've had a couple of family members (most recently my mother who is obese and has been fighting her weight all of my life) ask me if I thought I'd keep my weight off. I've been asked why I'm getting rid of my clothes as they get loose because I'll need them when I gain the weight back. I've been told that I've lost enough weight (give me a break) and that I'm going to look to gaunt if I lose more (give me another flippin' break!!!! I've got rolls, fish gills and enough fat to keep a family of cannibals happy for a long, long time). I'm hearing enough negative in my own head and from others who know my history, that the happiness and the hope is just being sucked right out of my mind and my eyes are seeing all the negative.

There is more, but I don't want to go there because it is stuff that I read here and I don't want to cause hurt feelings by remarking of stuff that others have shared even though it impacts my journey quite a bit. I get a bit concerned that maybe I am impacting others in a negative way by what I share here.

Anyway, hopefully by writing all of this down -- maybe I'm taking away my mind's power and maybe I'm purging the nasty and depressing thoughts. I doubt it.....lol, but I'm going to give it a try.

Biki wrote something the other day that struck a cord in my mind even though I didn't remark upon it when I read it. She said something about why do we tell new people that the weight is going to just melt off when it really isn't true. She is right.........sometimes the weight does melt off and sometimes it is a huge struggle to pry off any weight. I don't know why I paint such a rosy picture to the new people. I guess I still have many moments where I am still so entralled with how much success I've had and how 'easy' it is to just open packets, add water and follow the program along with the fact that I've never stuck with any other program with the hope and determination that I've embraced Medifast. I wish every person who is sad, depressed over being obese and controlled by their appetites, could find their way out of that dark & miserable hole. For me, the way out seemed to be Medifast......right now, I'm sliding back into that nasty hole, mentally, again for some reason. I just have to remember how successful and how far I've come so far---and know that the journey isn't over for me, that I have every right to expect to be successful all the way to goal.

Well, this is far too long, taken far too long to type (probably timed out and it won't take it so I'll have to copy, refresh and paste it into the journal box).....

Don't be concerned about me.......I'm not going to go off and eat a box of chocolates or drive through BK to get a Whopper of a burger, LOL. I will stick to program and I will win over this battle with my mind. I'm just going to quit looking into the mirror!! LOL

I just need to remember this is a battle and I am Tawanda!!!!

[DonnaS]

Tawanda, Keep your chin up and take it one day at a time, I know that's what I'm going to do (both of my chins). You have come a long way and your going to see this thru to the end. I think of all the times I started exercising/dieting and stopped; if I would have kept it up I would be so much smaller/happier now. Think happy thoughts.....envision yourself two or three months from now. Your doing great!

[bikipatra]

You KNOW you are preaching to the choir here. I felt thinner and better about my body when I was at 190/180. There was more hope and the newness hadn't worn off. I thought I was hot stuff. Now I have started thinking, gee, I supposedly only have 31 more pounds to lose and look at this belly! What if my arms and legs just get skinnier and I lose more of my butt that I used to actually like in a ghetto way and get left with saggier boobs, back chub and a big belly? And with all these stalls, how long before I get to see these stellar results??? Okay, enough out of me. Let me go and obsess on my hair or something else...(Thanks for letting me use your journal to vent my own negative self-talk) I feel better.

[MerryMary]

I am 40# lighter (in case anyone had missed my yelling a few days ago) and 47.25" smaller than I was 16 weeks ago. I felt good about myself, thinner and thought I was looking 'good'. I knew I wasn't finished with losing weight nor striving to get to my goal weight of 140 (or below if it seems prudent to do so). But a couple weeks ago I began noticing that my body looked 'fat' again ...

You know, Tawanda, I believe what you are feeling is normal ... and a good thing! It's a reverse journey of sorts. Think about it ...

I know when I started to gain all my weight I moved from one size up to a larger one with relatively little grief about it. I convinced myself that even in a bigger size I still looked good. Denial. My size 24 (and perhaps your size 18 ) became a norm. At some point reality set in (around the time the size 24's were getting uncomfortable ) and I knew I needed to lose the poundage. For me, health became an issue as my arthritis became substantially worse the heavier I got.

Then, as I reversed this cycle and began to lose weight, like you, I felt I was lookin' "good." Why not? After all I felt better--both physically and emotionally! I had more energy, my clothes were falling off me and obvious progress was being made. I almost felt as though if I stopped then I would continue to be happy.

Then came another reality check. What I felt was only better--yes it was good, but still only better than before. I suppose I moved "out of that dark, miserable hole" when I accepted my new vision--I don't simply want to be better--I want to be the best possible me I can be.

I agree with you and the newbies need to know ... pounds don't just melt away when we are on MF even though at times it seems that way. The reality is that it takes a lot of perseverance and fortitude. Jo said something that was very clarifying that I think bears repeating: MF is simple--not easy!

Hang in there, Twanda ... I firmly believe the emotional work we do now will be foundational when we move into maintenance.

[Serendipity]

T,

Take a step back. Look at where you are compared to where you were when you started. It wasn't that long ago. There is an argument here for saying that the pounds have melted off. At the moment it seems slow, but it really hasn't been that long and 40 pounds are gone! I took over a year, but I would say the pounds melted off of me.....much faster than I put them on! It's all attitude, girl. The pounds aren't melting off like butter, but maybe like a candle......they're gone at any rate.

Remember, we are impatient for results. When you're feeling this way, step back and look at the big picture. You've come a long way, T, don't forget that.

[bikipatra]

. Jo said something that was very clarifying that I think bears repeating: MF is simple--not easy!
.

A simple sentiment but I believe I said it first not Jolene. We are so easy to confuse!

[Serendipity]

Yeah, I've always believed it was simple and easy! Just my own experience Maintenance is complicated and difficult, though!

[bikipatra]

Yeah, I've always believed it was simple and easy! Just my own experience Maintenance is complicated and difficult, though!

Yeah, see, I knew that, because you have to always ever so slightly disagree with me to help me grow. You told me it could be easy if I were just compliant, and you are right most of the time. But thanks for quoting me Mary!

[nickieluv]

Tawanda, I'm sorry you were down today. I hope it's better now! I know that I can vascillate from one mood to the next in a nanosecond - I feel great, I feel thin, I feel alive, no wait, now I feel fat, ugly, unloved and miserable.

The truth is somewhere in the middle always, right?

And by the way, don't worry about what you're saying and how others might take it. I know your heart is in the right place with every post and I have not ever been offended by something you wrote. I value every opinion and different point of view - that is how we grow and learn!

I'm sending sunshine and happy thoughts your way.

Hey, here's a fun idea. Put your weight in quarters in a bag. I mean, if you've lost 40#, put 40# of quarters in a bag. When you're feeling like you haven't accomplished anything, try to carry that bag on a walk or upstairs and see how hard it is. Then, when you get to goal, you'll have all this money saved up in quarters that you can use for something fun - either for you or for your kids/grandkids, whatever you want.

I wonder how much 40# of quarters costs....