Today has not been a good day mentally. The babies are here, will spend the night and go home tomorrow evening. I'm fine with that and use to it. My mother is ill and talking about just wishing to die. She does not want to make a doctor's appointment and doesn't want to call the doctor's office to talk with them (a specialist for a chronic problem). She is becoming anemic, weak and has been housebound for almost 7 weeks with this condition. I keep getting phone calls from other family members who are concerned about her - wanting *me* to take care of this problem. Why me? Because I am the one who takes her to her appointments (she doesn't drive outside of town and the specialist is about an hour's drive away) and she refuses to go anywhere with my other siblings. What in the world can I do? I have encouraged her many times to call the doctor, but she says "I think I'm getting better".....she isn't and she does say how horrible she feels. She is not mentally incapable of making her own decisions.....so I cannot step in an make them for her.......I am so darn tied in knots over this and have been for a couple weeks. I've considered phoning the doctor's office myself......but I have not because she is capable of making her own decisions based on how she feels. She is passive aggressive and plays all of the family------she stirs up controvery, tells partial truths, twists stories, exaggerates facts...........I don't know if she does these things on purpose (the only entertainment she gets since she spends so much time alone and in her home?). Anyway, she is a master of manipulation whether it is on purpose or just a response from years of avoiding doing things that stress, upset, scare, etc. her. While my father was alive he handled everything (underline everything) and was verbally abusive to her (you are so stupid you can't even do______). So, she was told for 40+ years that she wasn't capable of doing anything and I believe that she believes this to be true.
So..........this morning I get yet another call from a family member concerned about how pale she is and how weak. I call mom. Tell her that I've gotten another call and when is she going to be proactive and take care of this? "You call the doctor for me". I said "no" Told her I could not make the call for her that she had all the knowledge and answers to the questions they would need to know to make a determination on her condition.
Anyway......long story short (yeah right) she did say she would call but she hasn't done it yet. I'm tied in knots.......I do not want the responsiblity of being the main person being dangled by puppet strings. I love her, I care about her, I do not mind being her driver and helping her whenever she needs it-----but I am not her puppet and I am so tired of being manipulated, used, lied about (she twists things I say to her when she repeats them to other family members or neighbors and when I call her on it--telling her I didn't say that!! She says "oh I know"...ARUGH!)
I cannot walk away from her. I cannot give her an ultimatim -- I doubt that she is capable of being anything that who she has always been. She ....
Oh heck. My life is what it is and I can handle this part of it okay --- most of the time. But days and weeks recently have just made me wish to move far, far away or change my phone number......change my name......divorce my family..........UGH!
I want to eat. I want to toss MF right out the window and not look back. I'm sick of doing this program. I'm sick of being at this same weight because I will not do what it takes to stick to program. I'm just tired and sick of everything associated with being me right this moment.
End of rant.
Time to put my smiling grandmother face back on and go get those sweet wonderful grandchildren out of their beds (they just woke from their nap and are making each other laugh). I need to remind myself that there is a lot of lovely in the world......and not focus on the frustrations that I either cannot change or am unwilling to hurt others to change. My mother would be hurt, confused and crushed to hear how I perceive her behavior and if she were much younger, maybe I would be willing to tell her how her behavior hurts me. But she probably does not have many years left and much of who she is was formed by abuse (verbal & mental not physical). I do not think she could recognize nor comprehend how to change----it is what it is.
Truly the end of my ranting.....
On program so far.......maybe I will stay there with my purging this from the forefront of my mind.