The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[bikipatra]

I wish it were that easy for me not to complain about everything except my weight!

[Tawanda]

Ah Biki, you have daily struggles that I don't have in my life. I admire you for all that you've shared that you contend with on a daily basis. When I put my life next to yours or others who are dealing with medical problems, health problems, loved ones who are terminally ill, or just a huge long list of 'other' hard times----I need a head slap when I do complain about some piddly thing.

I lead a pretty easy life. I am a stay at home, with sufficient of what we'd all like to have to make life easier (food, clothing, a home)....I'm just very blessed and I try to remember that.

I have a tendency to look at all that isn't perfect in my life or surroundings and I struggle to always change my focus on what is so good instead. That is why you'll see me use the words 'wonderful, great, awesome.....etc. " so much. I am finding (sometimes working hard to remember to find) the extra special good things, so that I don't focus on the not so good.

Guess I watched Pollyanna too many times?

I enjoy your posts and I enjoy you.

[bikipatra]

It sounds to me that you are just full of gratitude, whuich I need to work on. Thanks for reminding me!

[Tawanda]

Biki, I consciously make myself recognize the good and remark on it. I figure we all have enough negative floating around us, either in our heads (from ourselves) or in our ears (from others). Online, I try to add some positive for the eyes. It is as much for myself (to remember all of my blessings) as it is to lift others up. I need positive in my life!

[SuzyQ66]

Tawanda you are doing a great job I love reading the back and forth between you, Jo and Biki. It's very fun and entertaining I hope tomorrow you wake up and the scale shows you some wonderful news. Keep up the good work.

[Tawanda]

Thanks Suzy for stopping by. Jo & Biki are good sports for letting me horn in on their fun times.

Scale hasn't moved yet.

I'm really tired this morning and have a full day ahead of me. I can't think of a thing to write about here so will go read what everyone else is up to. Make it a great MF day.

[Tawanda]

Another day showing the same weight (194), but there was a flicker shown of 193.5, so it shouldn't be long before I actually get to see that number stay on the screen.

Another busy day, so will read what has been posted elsewhere and then get off of the computer.

Hope it is a great day.

[bikipatra]

I hate those little flickers, being teased by my scale!!!!

[Lizabette]

Patience, Miss T,
Flickers...Away with you, I say! :whip:

[Tawanda]

I thought I had a huge NSV today, but I was wrong. I am finding that I am much more comfortable in my clothes, that is wonderful. I put on some jeans and they were a bit loose. I thought "wow! 16s are loose!!", well, I checked the tag (dumb me---should have not verified it, just should have stayed in ignorant bliss) and they were 18s. Oh well, it is good that the 18s are loose.....and that is a NSV I guess, it just isn't the one I thought I had.

I also tried on a shirt that I've not worn for a year or so. It buttons up the front -- or at least it is suppose to and it hadn't for about a year. I was able to button it---top to bottom---no gaping and could even sit in it comfortably. That was a nice NSV.

I went to town today, looking for something, anything, that would be pretty and a "Someday I'm going to fit into this".......but I couldn't find anything that I loved.

Maybe next shopping trip.

[JonnaD]

You're doing great, Tawanda. The button-up shirt would be a Huge NSV for me.

[Tawanda]

Thank you Jonna. I also wanted to remember (finally) to say 'hi' to Nicki---she stopped by a few days ago and I was so busy being silly that I didn't say hello to her.

Thanks Lizabette for whipping those flickers for me! It worked....the scale showed a loss this morning (finally is what I'm thinking! ) .

I'm heading over to roll call to check in.....

Make it a great MF compliant day!

[SuzyQ66]

Congrats on your weight loss. I was so happy to see that you broke through your plateau - your determination, committment and compliance paid off. Good job!!

[Tawanda]

warning, long, confusing and random thoughts of someone struggling to understand themselves....

I sit here and think how hard it is to not turn to food when I'm bored, or mad, or tired, or happy......at all the times when I'm use to turning to food.

MF is working. MF is 'easy'.....open 5 packages a day, have a L & G meal. EASY. I'm enjoying the program in that I don't have to go grocery shopping as often (I dislike grocery shopping), I don't have to cook as much (I make enough chicken to last 3 days at a time), I eat salads a lot so I spend a bit of time one day to cut up veggies and then I don't have to do it again for 4 or 5 days. I like that I spend lots less time in the kitchen and I absolutely love that the scale is showing lower numbers, that my clothes are fitting better (or getting too big).

But I still miss the mindless (and endless) eating that I use to do. It was usual and often that I'd eat 12 cookies at a sitting. It was usual and often that I'd have a huge bowl of ice cream after a huge dinner. It was often that I'd serve myself as much (or more) food as what my husband would eat for dinner. I could consume a whopper (with cheese), a huge french fry order and a large diet soda (diet soda instead of regular? because I enjoyed it and also, why not cut calories where one can?) for lunch and be ready to have that monstrous dinner and bowl of ice cream later in the day.

If I was really sad or upset, 6 pieces of toast for breakfast was my 'friend'. The toast would have plenty of melted butter along with a good amount of peanut butter melting into the butter. I'd cut the toast into strips and dunk it in a cup of cocoa (sugar free cocoa, of course--since I was overweight and trying to lose the extra pounds).

I knew it made no sense to have sugar free or diet when I was eating copious amounts of fattening foods. I cannot remember how many awful cardboard pizzas I'd buy from the grocery store, heat it up and eat it all by myself, before my family would come home. Burning the wrapper or tearing it up into small pieces and hiding it in the garbage so no one else in the family would know. How many times did I stop at the little grocery on the way home, buying multiple candy bars or multiple ice cream sandwiches, pretending that I was taking them home for a treat, when in reality I was just buying them so that I could binge on them as I drove the rest of the way home.

Food had become my companion, my friend, my soul mate. I couldn't count on anyone else in the world to comfort me or to be there.....but food was always there when I needed it.

The problem was----I knew food wasn't my friend, I knew I was hurting myself while I was trying to soothe whatever pain I was feeling. Whether it was loneliness, sadness, happy........every feeling needed some medication and the medication was food.

I was unhappy, hated myself for being so weak and also feeling more and more ill from the excess weight that I was carrying along with my very poor food choices.

I tried diet after diet. Never sticking to one for long until Atkins. I did well on Atkins for about 6 months and then I went on a trip outside of the country where it wasn't easy or feasible to eat the Atkins way. I did fine on the trip, only gained 4# in the 4 weeks I was gone (and eating what I wanted)...but when I returned home, I began eating the way I had before Atkins. The weight came back over the next couple of years and I grew more and more disappointed in myself for it. I couldn't seem to get myself back into the mindset and able to follow the plan again. Somehow I just kept messing up and allowing the sugar & white flour foods to become more important to me than losing weight and getting healthier.

Then, life changing things happened and I realized that I needed to make some changes in my health & my life while I still had the 'option' to make changes.

I heard about Medi-Fast from reading something on a forum that an acquaintance wrote. I thought "Hmmmm, Medi-Fast? Isn't that the diet drink that Oprah did and isn't it something you need a doctor's prescription for?" I then noticed an ad in a magazine......"hmmmm, there is that Medi-Fast again. I should look it up on the internet." I wrote to the acquaintance, asked her about MF. She said she did it for 4 months and lost 50#. Oh heavens!! 50# would be bliss!! So, I started doing internet searches for MF. I found a blog, by Jo and read it....which led me to Take Shape for Life, MF site and this site. I read Jo's journal and some of the others who have been so successful in their weight loss (and maintenance) and I placed my order.

My weight loss so far has been great. It isn't the jaw dropping weight loss that some people experience, but I figure it is still very wonderful considering how well I ever did on my own with the various diets & programs that I've tried. I'm rock solid on my commitment NOT to cheat or go off of the program. Why? Because I've lived through the success of beginning a program/diet and then going off of it, only to find that I couldn't get my motivation to restart again. I've lived too many years tied to food and overeating. I've gone through the pain and sadness of being embarrassed by my size, hating the clothing choices that I've been forced to wear because I've eaten myself into plus sized clothing. I've been scared by pains and aches that are caused my being too heavy. I've been embarrassed by not being able to sit comfortably in certain chairs or able to easily get down on the floor to play a game with my grandchildren. I'm tired of trying to dress to hide that I eat too much, and that I've eaten too much for years. I'm tired of buying self help books so that I can stop this destructive eating pattern, to like myself better, to go back to being the person that I use to enjoy being.

MF is working. I'm losing weight. I'm learning to turn towards things other than food when I'm feeling emotions that I use to medicate with food. I'm bending easier, I'm fitting better, I'm feeling better, I'm happier, I'm getting fitter and I'm becoming proud of myself again.

It would be so easy to grab a cookie, have a slice of pizza, eat some ice cream or even grab a handful of MF bars..............but I want more for myself than to stay fat, unfit and unhappy. I deserve to be who I want to be. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be thin. My grandchildren deserve to have a grandmother who can get down on the floor and play with them. My husband deserves a happy and fit wife, who is a pleasure to come home to at the end of the day. He also deserves to have the woman he married, look similiar to the way she looked all those years ago. My children deserve to have their mother live a lot more years---and to have those years be healthy as possible, not fraught with illnesses, pains, aches and other problems caused by overweight and poor food choices.

All of those I love..........me included............deserve so much more than what I've done in the past. I want to be healthy. I want to be fit. I want to never again be termed obese or even overweight. I want to be proud of myself.......and I want to learn control.

Food is not my friend. Food and eating has never been a friend or a comfort. Food is suppose to be fuel for my body. Not a hobby, not a time waster, not a crutch and not a way to try to hide or solve my problems.

I've been 'hungry' on occasion during these past 44 days on Medi-Fast........but it hasn't been an overwhelming hunger. Most of the time it has been regular hunger, caused by my body using up the fuel that it was given. It is the normal hunger that thin people feel, people who do not make eating a hobby. I've also experienced 'wanting food' many, many, many times during these 44 days. Wanting food although not hungry. Wanting food to fill a need Wanting food to ease a heartache, or a lonliness, or a frustration or even wanting food to pay someone back for something they did, said, didn't do or didn't say, to me. I've wanted to eat because I've been compliant and I deserved to treat myself.......I've wanted to eat because it sounds or smells so wonderful. I wanted to eat because everyone else was eating and I deserved to eat along with them......

But, I didn't chose to eat at those times. I chose to stay compliant, chose to stay on program, chose to continue to become the best that I can be---------for myself. I deserve to be a normal weight. I deserve to feel mad, sad, lonely, happy, frustrated and to not eat because I'm feeling an emotion.

Staying compliant is important to me. I'm afraid that if I waiver, I won't begin again. It is easier to stay on the program than to be unhappy with myself.

I've lost 19#. I feel better about myself. I look a bit better in my clothes.........but the truth is: I'm still in the obese range. I'm still far too heavy to be considered at a healthy weight for my height. I still am carrying around an extra 36# over what the very top end of what is considered a normal weight for my height. 36#.......there is no reason why I deserve to go off program.......no reason why I deserve to have pizza or ice cream or cookies. I've had them, I've had lots of those foods. They never made me happier, they never made me healthier, they never filled me with love and caring......all false promises that my mind told my stomach or perhaps my stomach told my mind.

Why did I write all of this? Will I actually put it in my journal for others to read. Does it make any sense? I've typed quickly as the thoughts came to mind........and my mind is a messy place sometimes, so I cannot imagine that it is understandable. Will anyone be helped by my thoughts? Will I be helped by putting this somewhere where I can read it time and time again, to refresh my memory as to why this is so important to me and why I refuse to go off of program, no matter how badly I might want to at some point?

A part of me is scared that I'm going to fail to take this extra weight off again. A part of me is scared that I'm going to succeed. If I do succeed, what will I use to take up my time, my energy? Food---either eating it or attempting to avoid it, has taken up the majority of my thoughts for years..........If I lose the weight and overcome my abuse of food, what will I think about? What will I do?

I think I am going to put this in my journal. I'm a bit hesitant to show others how I think but if it will help someone else to work out their feelings in relation to food, then it will be a good thing. I know I've learnt and appreciated when others have shared some of their thoughts and struggles........who knows, maybe this is going to help me more than it will ever mean or help anyone else.

This is a journey......I know where I want to go, but am I wise enough, strong enough, prepared enough and brave enough to actually get to where I want to be..........

All I know for sure, right now, is that I cannot go off program. I need to stay compliant and I need to follow this plan every 3 hours, all day long, day after day and not worry about getting to the end of the journey. It will happen. My job is to keep putting one foot in front of the other, denying the desire to feed any emotions and learn to use food for fuel.

That is enough of a job for me, for now.

[Lizabette]

TAWANDA said:: A part of me is scared that I'm going to fail to take this extra weight off again. A part of me is scared that I'm going to succeed. If I do succeed, what will I use to take up my time, my energy? Food---either eating it or attempting to avoid it, has taken up the majority of my thoughts for years..........If I lose the weight and overcome my abuse of food, what will I think about? What will I do?
This is a journey......I know where I want to go, but am I wise enough, strong enough, prepared enough and brave enough to actually get to where I want to be........?

What can I say, baby girl! I been there, done that! All the feelings you are expressing could be mine.
And yes, yes, yes, & yes is the answer to your last question. You are all those things...and more!
Thank you for writing this in your journal to remind me of where I started and where I am now! Thank you, thank you!