The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[Carrie]

Pam,
Isn't it crazy the stuff we did for food. I had not thought of my little 'ordering' playacting till you mentioned it. I used to go up to the dairy queen window and know which TWO things I was gonna get ..... one wasn't enough.... I'd want the banana split and the hot fudge brownie sundae. But instead of just saying that I'd say 'I'd like a banana split and ........ oh dang I forgot what my girlfriend wanted ..... something with a brownie in it ...... oh? h.f.b.s.??? yep! that must be it!' DUHHHHH



Or if I was getting more than 2, I'd make some stupid casual comment about it being girls night and the gang wanted chocolate and I was sent to pick it up.

My coworker was recently selling chocolate bars for her kid, and I bought like 7 of them, going through this list of who I was buying them for ..... you know my parents, friends, etc. What a liar. I ate every one of them.

I think I'm done lying about food. Regardless of my future weight. I'm done with the delusions. It makes me feel like an idiot to ACTUALLY THINK about the insanity of my behavior as it relates to food. It's a real reality check.

And you know I have actually noticed that my attitude towards myself has changed these last 12 days. I think I walk a bit taller and more confidently, and it's because I'm not overwhelmed with shame over my latest binge, and I'm not fighting the continuous internal battle 'to eat or not to eat'. And every day has been a step TOWARD my goal, not away from it. It's a great feeling, and I want to keep it.

Carrie

P.S. Pam, howz it going in Florida? So far so good?

[shineface]

Hi Carrie--

Florida is going great - thanks for asking --- planning is the big key and I am doing that every minute!

Later today, pictures I sent to Unca Tim should be posted in the Studio -- BOY was that a leap of FAITH --- never thought I'd do that BUT everyone here is so honest and caring that it made me feel SECURE enough to do it!!!! Yep, HEAPING on the ACCOUNTABILITY!!!!!!!

You are doing great and you really jog some thinking with your posts -

I have to say the old saying "you're as SICK as your SECRETS" and dumping those old SECRETS is making me less SICK everyday!!!!!

WE WILL do this together!!!!

[Landylue]

My hat is off to each and every one of you who were courageous enough to open up and share your feelings as well as your memories.

The first time that I recognized that I 'stuffed my feelings' with food was back in the '60s. There was a scene from a movie with Brenda Vacaro and Elliott Gould where Vacaro was so angry and frustrated over Gould's request for a divorce, that, when she was alone, slung a frozen pizza into an oven and screamed out, "I'M NOT EVEN HUNGRY!" It hit me like a load of bricks that I did the same thing--all the time!

When I would see someone pass up a chance at a few cookies or a tempting desert with the unbelievable excuse of, "No, thanks, I'm not hungry." I would always wonder, what the heck has hunger got to do with anything?!? IT TASTES GOOD!

One of my jobs around the house when I was a kid was clearing the supper table. I couldn't believe all the uneaten pie crust, or frosting,or bread, or roast beef and potatoes my sister left on her plate! I would eat all of whatever she left before I ever made it to the kitchen! I wonder why?

From what I can tell from old photographs, I started gaining weight when I was around four or five, and have been on diets since I was in the fourth grade. (I'm 55 now.) I was always the fatest, and the tallest, kid in class. Back to school shopping meant only one thing, the annual humiliating trip to the Sears Chubby rack, and my mother's disappointed comments on how much weight I had gained over the summer.

I'll sum this up with a comment made by Erma Bombeck. She said that she had lost so much weight over the course of her lifetime, that by all accounts, she should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

All you fellow-charmers hang in there.

Landylue

[shineface]

Hi Guys --

This entire thread is great -- I feel like I have been to MENTAL confession and forced to remember things long forgotten .... glad I'm not alone in my memories...

Gotta say, Landylue you just made me laugh out loud - - going clothes shopping ---- I suddenly remembered in the 60's I was officially a "CHUBETTE" and was forced to follow my Mom around while she asked store clerks where the "CHUBETTE" department was -- talk about a reason for a box of twinkies!!!!!!!!! The humiliation, the ugly clothes, the stares and my mother's voice of disappointment "oh, Pam" I can't find anything to fit you anymore - what are we gonna do???? Oh, I don't know, maybe spaghetti would help!!!?????

WE WILL do this together!!!

[TamiL]

Hi to all my Fellow shakers...

I needed to come here today and just type/vent/talk. I figured this would be a good thread to add this newest "realization" I have of myself!
I am trying to really figure things out in my life...why I am the way I am at times..why I have used food my whole life to help me numb pain...cuz I think if I can figure it all out, that this will truly be the last time I ever have to struggle with loosing weight and keeping it off ( this program is not a struggle..but the feelings that are coming up with eating CLEAN are!!)
when I was little..all the way to high school...I was always the fat or chubby chic that was left stading in gym class when all the other kids were already picked to be on teams or groups, but me, I was left...cuz no one wanted me on thier team to play any type of sports..cuz i was fat!

for the first time in my life..I am starting to see a pattern about myself and food. most people think that you have to have this big childhood past...perhaps having been abused sexually or physically ...or neglect that starts us off using food to stuff feelings...or hide ourselves under so many layers of fat that it keeps us "invisible"...well for me, IM fortunate enuf to have had wonderful parents who gave me everything I could ever ask for....so why did I start using food at such a young age? why me? what was happening then that I didnt realize untill now?
I have recently learned one BIG factor in all this for me...is REJECTION, the fear of it..or the fear of NOT BEING GOOD ENUF, or pretty enuf, or skinny enuf..
this stems from since I can remember...and it all started in Gym class...all the way to my husband leaving me for another younger, more fit, attractive woman!! I have felt and been afraid of REJECTION my whole life...but the ONE thing I KNOW will never REJECT me is FOOD...little Debi never REJECTED me..nor did BEN AND JERRY...or MR GOODBAR!! so food became something SAFE for me...something I could always turn to! Food didnt take away me self esteem...it filled me up when I felt I wasnt good enuf..it made me numb to all the pain of being left behind...little did I know that the DRUG I was using to numb it all..and take it all away..was slowly destroying me, and keeping me so isolated..that I FORGOT HOW TO LIVE!!

I guess the reason why I am thinking all of this...is because I recently have had a dance with REJECTION...and for the first time in my life..im learing to think differently...with a CLEAR HEAD..and that if someone does not want me..it dosent have to SOLEY do with my WEIGHT...as i Have always thought....perhaps 2 people are simply not meant to be...but I always have taken it as "Im not good enuf"...when it could be as simple as just not enuf in common!! but for The FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE...I am figuring it all out...seeing the bigger picture...really THINKING THINGS THROUGH rationally..instead of coming home with BEN AND JERRY and eating my fears/hurt feelings away!!
Its okay to feel sad, or lonley...and not eat. its okay to feel down at times..and one shake at a time, I am learning how to love myself again, and realize all I have to offer to the RIGHT PERSON who comes along...and those that dont end up staying in my life....well thats thier loss and it is NOT BECAUSE I AM NOT GOOD ENUF...or that I have some weight to loose, it is because we are simply 2 people who didnt "click" ..and not because I am not good enuf!!

sorry for the book guys...but REJECTION has always been a big part of my life it seems...the most painful part of my life...and for the first time in my life...IM NOT GOING TO EAT OVER IT!!!

HUGS TO YOU ALL...couldnt do this without you!!

Tami

[Guest]

I would never reject you!!! Not in a million years!!!!!!!! You are so loving and down right beautiful!
You are stronger than you think! You know…rejection is only as bad and as hurtful as we let it be. It is such a hard and painful thing to conquer but not impossible. When I sit and think about it, I have to rationalize this. Here’s a fictitious example: Say, I went on 5 dates with Paul and I really did like him and thought he felt the same way too. But he didn’t and gave me the big speech about wanting space and all that crapola and garbology the male gender and all its class like to use when it’s time to say goodbye. So now, I’m all P.O about it, then I get sad, then the tears and it’s all about me feeling rejected. So now, I run to Ben & Jerry’ cause these 2 dudes are not like the rest of their species…they say goodbye the right way..Through my belly and it never hurts! Or does it? Yes it does! Because, I don’t know about you all…but the feeling inside afterward is of total failure and…the self-beating begins and lead to another affair this time with Mr. Goodbar!! But wait a minute? Paul did not make me eat any of these things. And you know what? He did not cause me to eat it either! No he didn’t! I chose to let myself down! Paul, a human being over whom I have no control made a decision concerning both of us. I certainly didn’t like his decision; especially after all I’ve done for him..etc… Is it illegal for him to change his mind? No! Does his decision hurt? H-e double hockey sticks it does!! Real bad! Is he rejecting me? Well only if I see it as such and not such as someone whom I care for who has and is entitled to change his mind. The only person I can control and predict in this lifetime (if I tried) is I and only I. So, let say I choose to see it as a rejection. How do I soothe the pain? Could I just cry it out to release that negative energy and then take a bubble bath while sipping on a glass of wine and listening to soothing music? Could I just go in my room and pray? Could I just go over a friend a lament myself on their sofa (thus the importance of cultivating friends)? Could I come to this forum and vent? Could I go shopping? Of course I could and all these would be a far better way to handle this rejection than eating. Is it easy? Absolutely not!!! But the way I see it, when I consistently choose food to numb my pain or negative emotions I LET MYSELF DOWN! This is not about other letting us down! It’s about us letting ourselves down and sometimes (too often) using events or people as excuses to let ourselves down. I haven’t fully conquered and or understood yet this thing called “ emotional eating”. But I do know one thing about it! It’s a cancer, a disease which unchecked and uncured can kill you through heart disease, diabetes and all the complications that arises from long-term obesity!! If I don’t learn to deal with it if I don’t even attempt to deal with then I am letting myself down!! And in my book, letting my self down is the worse kind of letdown because I could have done something to prevent it and didn’t!

Nelly

[Landylue]

Incredible! Tami and Nellie, it was a joy to read your last posts. You two ladies have really done some extraordinary exploration of who you are as human beings. I applaud your efforts. You are both well on the road to healing.

Your expression of strength and resolve is a breath of fresh air, and you give hope to us all.

Landylue

[Maddie]

I' just reading through these posts to pass some time and I want to cry remembering how alone I felt as a kid. I too went to the food as a source of comfort and revenge. My mom had an account at the corner store. I would go there and buy stuff (food) and go sit on the next block alone and eat and feel sorry for myself. I felt very unloved. I am a recovering addict. I have worked very haed on myself in the past 20 years. I quit using alcohol and other drugs. I quit smoking. I think I have stopped using relationships to make me feel better. The food is still such an obsession at times. I am not hungry, I am not alone, I am not helpless, I am not unloveable, I am not incapable of having my feelings and resoling them. Addiction to food is trying to stop me from being free. I realy don't want to live this way any more.

Maddie

[Guest]

Adn you don't have to Madie!
One day at a time, one battle at a time. The only things you truly own are " your Body/Mind/Soul"
For you came in this world with nothing more than these and will go with nothing more then these. Treat yourself nice! Give yourself the love you deserve and you deserve love each day of your life!! And by love I don't mean food, for until we understand or conquer emotional eating, food will remain the very thing that makes us feel bad after overindulging in it.
Be kind to yourself, you deserve kindness each day.
Set aside if not 10-30 minutes each day or several times a wek for no one else BUT you.
Don't wait until you lose weight to make yourself happy! No! make yourself feel good now. Simple joys to remind you that you are alive and feeling good about doing right by you.
Only you hold the keys to your hapiness and no one else. You are beautiful, strong and smart for here you are doing something about your weight. We are all winners here !! not because of Medifast but because we have the courage to face our fears, get a hold of our demons(even if for a little time) and we dare dream of better us and we are doing something about it.
Shall anyone here quit short of achieving their dreams..in my book they would still be winners.
It is better to try then wonder what if?
You're doing great Madie!

Here's to all your dreams!!


Nelly