by sidrah » February 7th, 2010, 10:43 pm
I guess they call these journals for a reason. Probably best if they are used as intended. It's hard to write what your brain thinks, especially when you know it will all come out as horribly negative....and worst, yet, you just can't bring yourself to care anymore. It has to say something when sleeping all day and calling in sick to work becomes the norm 2 days a week, when knowing you will probably get in trouble for not having paperwork done is not near the motivation to actually do it succesful completion. It has to say a lot when you dread going to school everyday, feel like you have come to the end of the rope and after 9 years with the same families and relatives realize no matter how many hours you work, even putting in 60 hours a week at school and even more when you finally make it home, some people will never get out of a small town mentality and dream solely of collecting checks on the first of the month. Maybe coming from 12 years of private school where nothing less than an A was acceptable makes me have higher expectations of all students, regardless of whether they have learning disabilities or not, actually moreso because of learning disabilities. It kills me to see parents defend their kids' unwillingness and laziness. It kills me that I am losing time at home to do things I want to do because I have spent every year of my life since I was 16 working 2 jobs and going to school full time and working all the time and only now when I realize I want to have time do just do "nothing" that I cannot make my mind accept that years of perfect attendance and hard work ultimately mean nothing.
I am the one who solves problems, mine and for people around me, not who complains about problems. Something as stupid as watching Bridezilla bothers me to no reasonable level lately; I know it is meant to highlight foolish behaviors, but it made me so mad to see that there are people who really are like that and no amount of producer manipulation can make a nice and normal sane person become a raving witch for the camera. It bothers me that there are people who exist that would act that way in front of their parents, or anyone else for that matter. It makes me re-think years of being the way I am and know no other way to even change it. I tried one year about 3 years ago to go home every day at 345 and do no work at home. That lasted til Wednesday of that week. It isn't in my nature to do that.
It bothers me no end that I am even writing this. I know I should be doing school work. I am almost ready to just quit. I feel like I should be getting fired. My work is good when I am there because I wouldn't let it be otherwise. But, it really pains me that not once a principal hasn't called me in and questioned it. If someone was doing a complete 180, I would know something was wrong and I would worry more about a complete change in character so much more than I would worry about the work. I wish I could be like the people who check into a resort and have no worries for a month. I wish everyday I woke up wasn't to an acid-filled stomach and dread. My life is really not that tough, but I just want to move away and go somewhere new. Obviously if you are here with me you know of one of the problems making that not happen. School paperwork plus teaching is about 2 full time jobs in one. Family things added in makes it hard to sleep at night. It's really, really difficult to figure out whether it is worth it or not. I don't know sometimes. But, that is my problem so hopefully one day I can figure it all out.
Don't really care as long as everything's better than yesterday was...
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