Back from a week (almost a week) at the beach with the Family, where I actually enjoyed life as I wanted - not fat! Each of us sees ourselves and others differently. (I am going back and forth here, so be patient with me as I type as I think) I see people now, wondering if they see me. I doubt they see me, I look pretty “regular” under normal circumstances. This means, I shop in the normal section of the clothing store. I wear non-large size clothes. Clothes are plentiful for me, for the first time in my life, thus I see life now as a normal sized person. This is something we (you) are all striving for. YOU MUST GET HERE!
I spent about 4+ days shirtless! Yes, shirtless for the first time since my teen years. For those of you that don’t know me, I am 42. First time I removed my shirt, exposing the “fair-skinned-white-boy” really made me nervous. Was I being watched? Nope. I think the only person watching was my teen, as she has never even seen me shirtless (maybe on a rare occasion) in daylight. I looked (hidden by the shaded Oakley’s) at others, and no one was even giving me a second look. This fear of being watched still haunted me every minute of my shirtless experience. I guess I am at a weight where it does not matter anymore (quiver-quiver). I had a great time, and am looking for many more times in the near future to come. Especially since summer is fast approaching and I live in Southern California – home of the endless beaches.
Anyway, Medifast…
Many thoughts roll through my head daily, as they do yours. Besides Nancy, none of you are at a goal weight, (some close) but will I am sure experience the exact same feelings/fears, as well as euphoria, as I am. Will I gain the weight back? Do I have to watch EVERYTHING I put in my mouth? This past week I decided to go “dietless” and eat what I deemed normal. I am not regaling you with exact details, but I did eat, and drink alcohol (no Ta-kill-ya-Saturday’s). I went to restaurants, and ordered the normal things I used to with some exceptions. I ate normal portions, and was EASILY able to push the plate away from me when I knew I was getting full. Yes, it actually happens. It’s been about 4-1/2 months since I last “shook and sipped” a Medifast supplement. I have learned for the first time in my life that if – IF – I wait a few minutes, and eat a human pace, I do get full pretty fast. I no longer need to shovel until the plate is empty. I no longer need to order the largest thing on the menu, fearing I will be hungry. You do get full as your stomach shrinks, comfortably full.
Now the problem…. I have a food addiction. (say it with me) I can easily see how I could go back to the forbidden days. I can EASILY understand why I became obese and out of control. I am destined to be fat. I am destined to be fat my entire life. I know for a fact I will be on a diet or maintenance type of thing forever. I will never be able to let my guard down again. Is this bad? No. I would not trade the feeling I have of being thinner for anything. I like this feeling. You will also like this feeling. You will love this feeling enough to not ever let your guard down either. This is a life change for all of us. We cannot become complacent. (say it with me)
I was speaking with Jeanette this morning, her words:
“Something I have discovered about myself: It seems that, whenever I reach a milestone loss that is when I feel the most out of control. Why is that??”
My answer - Let me explain how I think it can get lost from your grasp/control... (From a large-loser perspective) I weigh 223-224-225. I have some extra "skin" or what ever you want to call it. It's still FAT. Everyone I come in contact with, that knew me before the "change" says I look perfect, even my wife. Well I know different. I want to lose another 15-20 pounds, just to say I can do it. I know since I am OFF Medifast, this will almost be impossible. How can it be? I just lost 114 pounds, what's another 15 pounds? Since I am eating (and have a continual ADDICTION to food), I know if I do not go back on Medifast, I cannot lose that 15 pounds. My brain just will not cooperate. It would be virtually impossible. This will be hard. FOOD has power over us, that we will NEVER be able to fully control. Ever!! We will have to do our BEST to control what we can.
The answer I think is COMPLACENCY! I see some of us, starting, and re-starting over and over. This is an addiction we all have, and unless we take accountability, and constantly watch ourselves, monitor what and how much we eat, we will lose sight of the end/gained result. Do not let this slip out of your hands, E-V-E-R.
Dieting is boring. Eating is fun. Don’t fool yourself. If dieting was easy, we would all be thin.
Nothing is wrong with falling off the wagon on occasion, as most of us probably have (Tami and Jeanette, I am speaking to you also). Stress, work, family, whatever we go back to our trusted friend F-O-O-D. Sitting at those dining tables in the restaurants was tempting. The fat guy still alive inside of me wants to STILL order the large fat guy size. Screw it, it’s only a vacation, it’s only a few days, I can start over again. Well, I can’t start over again and again and again as I have all my life.
I did not gain a single pound on Vacation. In fact I actually lost about 2 pounds. My weight fluctuation, based on what I eat normally is about 3# up and 3# down. I know its water. My lowest point since starting Medifast over 7 months ago (225 days today) was 223.4. Sunday morning I expected to be up in the 228 range. I weighed in at 223.4. Odd? Maybe not. I stepped on the digital fat-o-meter again, and it was 223.4 what a relief for a couple of reasons: I did not gain weight. I ate NORMALLY, or what I thought was normal, not counting anything and maintained my weight. I still fear every time I eat something that it will affect my weight for the bad. This might haunt me for my entire thinner life. Oh well, if this is what I get to look forward to, then so be it, it is much better being thin, than fat. Trust me.
Bottom line, get the weight off. Try your hardest. Don’t give in. I have said before, it’s a short stint in the general scheme of things to lose the weight. Being thin in this world (not my doing) is what we are supposed to do. I am destined to be fat, but I refuse to let this ever become a burden for me. NEVER AGAIN. It took us (me) a lifetime to become overweight. Lets take a short jog over to “thinville” (it is a short jog - I promise)
Sorry for the jumping all over, I typed as I thought!!
-Mike