The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[Carrie]

I haven’t been able to post much lately, but I have been keeping up with my reading – and have been sending everybody positive energy and well wishes.

Christy, DC, especially with you – the tough times are so trying.

As usual, it seems like the friends at this forum experience things together, and I’m one of the ones that’s been ‘feeling down’ lately. I’ve got some pretty serious problems at work that have come to a head and will hopefully be somewhat resolved by the end of the week. I know this problem is what has snowballed into several days of being down in the dumps. I know for me experiencing a problem in one area, often leads to negative thoughts in other areas.

I work with a very hateful, poisonous woman. She says hurtful, mean things about a lot of people, and I am one of her favorite targets. Unfortunately my boss hasn’t stopped her. I have been trying for 11 months now to effect change in the department and stop the verbal abuse. For example, she tells people that I’m ‘an idiot, can’t do the job, and never do anything but lean back in my chair, and eat cookies anyway.’ Or last week, on Wednesday she told another department employee ‘I’m sick of her sitting on her fat a**, picking her nose, not doing a damn thing.’ Speaking about me. Since then I have been to HR and supposedly we are having a department meeting after which I will have the opportunity to personally address her and finally, after 11 months, tell her how I feel about this. Also, supposedly, she will be told that her behavior is inappropriate and must stop immediately. I’ve reached a place of total burnout about this, I am so sick of it that I don’t want to come to work and it’s only because of this person. I’m hoping I can take a few days off after the meeting and try and regain some perspective.

Obviously, I should have no regard for what a person like that does or says. But the fact is that it does bother me. Every day I come here and waves of hatred emanate from this woman. I try to not let it affect me, but I can see that this situation has now beaten me down in other areas of my life as well. It started out as someone saying something about my fat a** and now I’m just feeling pretty negative about life in general. Over the last few days I’ve slid down to feeling glum about my body, my work, my diet, etc etc.

On Monday and Tuesday I made CONSCIOUS choices to eat off my program. I thought about it, and decided to do it. Of course on Monday it was ‘I’ll go right back to my program tomorrow.’ But then Tuesday came around and I decided again to eat what I wanted.

Yesterday I tried to talk myself into eating again, but couldn’t. I decided that eating would only make me feel worse, and that staying on my program would be one source of positiveness that I could focus on. I reminded myself over and over again that eating wasn’t going to help, it would only make me feel worse. The reality is that my life hasn’t dramatically changed in the last week, and soon I will return to feeling positive about myself and my life. But right now, while I’m down in the dumps, it is SO HARD to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I’ve been sort of ‘monitoring’ myself, like observing my own behavior and thoughts, and I realize that this is how I wind up in a BIG downward spiral that results in weeks/months of out of control eating. I don’t want to live that way anymore, and that’s why I went back to my program yesterday. I guess going from long periods of being out of control to 2 days worth is a major accomplishment, but right now it just makes me tired.

I can SO RELATE to DC’s anger at having to ‘comply’. I experience this too. I was mad at myself last night for eating MF chili instead of ordering the pizza that I really wanted. To me this is the child inside throwing a tantrum because the adult imposes what is healthy over what is ‘medicating’.

I still fall back and ‘blame’ everything on being fat. If I weren’t fat, this wouldn’t be happening, or this would be different, or I would have this, etc, etc. It is an ongoing battle to change years of ingrained thoughts. And even though I feel crummy right now, I do think I’m making progress.

I guess there’s no big deep meaning here, I just wanted to break my silence and reach out and say that we can move forward even through the tough times. This really is about effecting lasting change, not getting every moment of our lives perfect.

My heart is with you gang, hang in there, and we’ll get there together.

Carrie

[fedup]

What an incredibly nasty person you work with! Sounds like she's got some major problems of her own huh?! I can't imagine having to hear stuff like that day after day... and the thing is, neither should you have to!! If your boss or HR dept. doesn't do something about it, I'd try getting "tough" with them if you need to... Maybe sweetly mention as an "aside" that all of this verbal abuse is really harrassment in the workplace, but you hope it could all be worked out without having to "go there..." I'll bet you get quicker results. The "H" word usually does! Bottom line, no one has to "like" anyone else, but they do not have the right to voice their venomous opinions in the work place. You are an incredibly sweet and supportive person, and make sure you don't let a nasty negative person like her ruin your own self esteem and commitment to making you life and health better!

And I agree, it does seem like lots of us are going through things at the same time doesn't it! I know I'm doing much better, and you will be too!! It really helped to vent here on the forum, and here from everyone. My scale hasn't moved last 3 days... I know it's not long enough to go into "panic" mode, but I usually see at least a itty bitty movement... I think that darn scale can sense all the negative stuff that's been "weighing me down..." this week. (Pun intended!) Now that I'm shipping the negative thoughts out the door, the weight will go too!

Hang in there... post often, we'd all give her our 2cents if we were there. She sounds like the kind of woman that I needed earlier in the week... (someone to vent some frustrations on! haha )

[hawaiiwhatnot]

Hi Carrie,


Bless your heart. You ARE being harassed at work. The Federal Communications Commission's website on Understanding Workplace Harassment at http://www.fcc.gov/owd/understanding-harassment.html (if this gets snipped by Mr. Snippy, I'll PM it to you), is pretty clear. She's making making offensive remarks about your looks and body parts creating an intimidating, hostile or offensive work environment. These are the words used on this site. This constitutes unlawful harassment and is a form of discrimination that violates Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and other federal authority.


Personally, I would make a trip up to Human Resources RIGHT NOW, and ask for a copy of your company's policy on anti-harassment. This will give them a heads up that this is a problem that you are seriously starting to pursue. You can file an EEO complaint, and they, if they're saavy human resource people, should recognize there's a problem given the red flag of you asking for their policy in writing. They should then start to get to the root of this problem, (offer to terminate this gal if she persists in her actions and attitude against you), and head off any further EEO complaint proceedings or personnel problems. My advice to you is to document in writing what you're experiencing - who said what, when and where. This is necessary not only to evidence the problem, but to show you are serious about doing something about it. You DO NOT have to show it to anyone. Although, I would have it visible on my lap at any human resource meeting to show you're documenting the problem. If they ask for a copy of it, I would say, "Well, I'm not comfortable giving this to you in this form, I need to finalize it first so it's more legible and presentable. I'll work on it and get back to you when I'm done."


Doing something about this is for the good of your company too Carrie, not just you. So help the others too that work there. They experience the same hostile environment just having to listen to this gal.


I CONGRATULATE and RESPECT YOU so much for coming back to the program, and not falling back into the long drawn out trap of medicating and medicating and medicating with food. So you had a couple of days off - you definitely have the right attitude - you fought your old self back onto the positive side of life and back on the train. EXCELLENT!!!!!


BRAVO Carrie!!!
Camille

[explorthis]

Not to get to get too far off topic… My sister, years ago (4 years my junior) worked at a reputable establishment – most of you would recognize the name, was harassed, (including sexual advances) made numerous stop requests, kept files, and ended up quitting because they refused to recognize/admit fault. A year later she was awarded ¼ of a million in punitive damages.

Harassment is a serious thing, not to be taken lightly.

I wish you the best!

-Mike

[Carrie]

Thanks so much for the support guys, it warms my heart to have my friends ‘stick up for me’. I should’ve come here and talked about this last week when it happened. I guess I was just in a tailspin and figured that it shouldn’t be bothering me, so why was I letting it bother me???? Faulty thinking, but I can be rightfully accused of that from time to time.

Camille thanks, I have printed that off and I am taking it to my meetings tomorrow. Supposed to be at 3pm. I am HOPING that just having the opportunity to FINALLY confront her about it will go a long way towards renewing my peace of mind. I’m also going to talk to my boss about taking a couple of long weekends to give myself a chance to get away. I am really concerned about being able to get back my positive attitude about coming to work. Not wanting to go to work in the morning is really debilitating.

I’m feeling a bit stronger, not quite as fragile. I just hope tomorrow goes well and I can put this behind me.

Thanks, you guys are the greatest.

Carrie

[gr8views]

Carrie,

As an HR professional, I'd say the advice you are getting and the plan you have are absolutely correct. I'm disappointed that it's taken so many horrible incidents to happen to you before something is going to be done to address the situation.

The absolute best things are documenting the experience, making sure that you note witnesses, dates, times, your response (if any), conversations with your boss and HR about the situation, etc.

Chin up. You are absolutely within your rights to address this situation. This woman must be jealous that you are losing weight, getting attention, doing better work than her, etc. Either that, or she is having a horrible personal life and is lashing out at someone she perceives as 'weaker' than her. (We know that is not true and you'll show her that today!)

I assume that this other woman is having a horrible life. Can you imagine thinking that it's a good thing to criticize someone else's work or weight? There has to be some underlying problem that she has. This doesn't make it right, but can sometimes help you to maturely approach a resolution if you not only stand up for yourself but also make an effort to see if there is something in the other woman's life you can empathize with. This is not your fault; it's hers. Anything she has going on doesn't make her attitude or behavior right. This is just another way of viewing the situation that may help you to cope.

I hope you walk away from today's meeting feeling good about yourself and your part in this process. That is important.

We'll be thinking of you.

Diane

[RavenKat]

I can't add anything substantive but I wanted to chime in and congratulate you on your handling of the whole effed up situation. You're a tough cookie and the fact that you are going to meet with this evil woman and confront her is proof! and MF-wise - Pulling yourself out of a tailspin is a HUGE accomplishment!

Keep us updated....

Kat

[Sylvia]

Not that much to add but just wanted to chime in with my admiration for your handling of both the work and eating situations. I'm sure you know this already but you have grown incredibly in the past few months in your ability to control how emotionally difficult situations trigger uncontrolled eating. This is both extremely hard and extremely valuable and I commend you!

I also second what Diane said - when someone behaves the way this woman does, it is a reflection on THEM rather than a reflection of the person at whom their venom is directed. That doesn't make it less unpleasant to deal with but at the end of the day, you will still be a good, strong, successful human being and she will be a miserable mean person.

Like I always used to say to people like that (at least to myself), "I might be fat, but I can lose weight. You however will always be stupid and mean spirited"... Not very nice, but I think it helps keep things in the right perspective.

Anyway, good luck and let us know how it goes!

Sylvia

[fedup]

That's right Carrie! Bravo for standing up for yourself. As everyone's said, this woman's life is probably a mess, so she makes herself feel bigger by putting others down... YOU don't have to put up with it! It's great your taking the website info to your meeting. Just throwing that out that might have a great effect. Also, I would take that list/record of things done and said. Documentation can scare the **** out of people. If you don't have time to compile all that, tell them you have it at home and are prepared to bring it. (Giving yourself more time.)

And being back on full program probably helps you feel more enpowered too huh? Let us know how the meeting goes! Remember- you are a strong woman, and are NOT going to let this go unanswered! :!:

[Carrie]

You guys are so great, I almost got the sniffles reading all your support.
"I can feel the love man!"

I hate to report a semi-let down but................

the departmental meeting took place and everyone received a copy of the new rules. My nemesis sat stony-faced through the whole thing.

My passive-aggressive boss then dodged my meeting with her, saying we'll have to schedule it. I pressed him and told him it needs to happen in the immediate future. He seemed responsive, but I know I'm going to have to keep riding him until it happens. Then again, there is only so hard I can press my boss.

I'm disappointed - I was ready to clear the air, and now I'm going to carry this around for another weekend, but I've done my absolute best, so I'll have to accept that for now.

Your support means more than I can say. I have been thinking that for some odd reason I can get 10 compliments on how great I look, but one nasty remark knocks me down. I think that needs to change, and all your support is a big bolster to my self-esteem. More thanks than I can express gang. You're my buds!

Carrie

[gr8views]

Maybe thinking about the new rules over the weekend will affect your nemesis' attitude - then again, maybe not.

You are doing so well. You have control over your reactions and your actions.

Just keep shakin'!! And keep us posted on how things go next week...

Di

[DutchChoc]

Dear Carrie,

Your post helps me see "the way" and now all I have to do is buckle in for the compliance part. Thanks for understanding -- that gives me hope, as does the fact that YOU have the stuff together enough to commit to what will bring you greater joy in spite of it not being the most palatible choice to our super-spoiled tunings in to food in recent days. I'm happy for you for doing what you've done and I hope I'll be "along" soon -- I'm seriously having overfull stomach days/evenings particularly now and it isn't "good". I went to bed early last night with a miserable full stomach, in fact.

I remember the stuff about the leaning back in your chair from the past -- gosh, what unprofessional comments! She shouldn't get away with that kind of behavior, basically. It's way off center.

I salute Camille for the quick recognition and insight into classifying the behavior as harrassment. I know you probably hate to start a formal complaint -- I know that I would because I don't like getting attention like that, generally -- but it should be enough if you do it to let the "woman" know that you know you don't have to take it and that she can take the fall for behaving that way. In NO WAY should your workplace be unpleasant like that for you.

Thanks for discussing your situation because it feels good to be able to relate to something going on here again. I hadn't been here, myself, in a couple of days, ever since the return of my stupors. Take care!!

[Nancy]

Dear dear Carrie ~

Oh, man! I just wanted to send Guido and Spidey right over and harm that poisonous woman! What a creep!

Yes, Camille rocks! She labeled your work situation correctly. Your attitude is really quite good, Carrie. I’d be prostrate if that had happened to me. People can deck us with their killer words.

I do want you to know how amazing you are for handling your tension in such a winning way – changing our thinking can seem much harder than changing our physical actions and reactions. You carefully thought through the results of going off or sticking with your program and congratulations! You made a super choice.

It's not about perfection.

We are standing by, praying for you.

[Lil'Bit]

For some reason, I feel this woman who is doing all this harrassing needs our prayers too! We don't know what kind of life she has or what she has gone through. She might have been abused verbally and that is the only way she knows how to communicate, so she needs prayers. I know beyond a shadow of doubt that when you put something like this in God's hands, He does a much better job! I am all about confrontation. I don't have a problem with it at all. But by being an outsider and reading the posts I really think that you are being attacked in a spiritual way to cause you to look down on yourself and to stop improving yourself and to want to get out of your job, etc... Just remember Satan is about distruction. When you are being attacked with distructful things get on your knees and pray. I've been going through this at my position and there is alot of jealousy etc... I have wanted to quite my job but instead I talk to God about it. Things are miracously getting better!
Try to be uplifted by good things in your life. You have a wonderful support group here. Most of all you have a much better listener and supporter in Jesus. Tell Him your worries and He will take care of it all. This is a growing experience for you. You will rise above it!

Lil'Bit

[hawaiiwhatnot]

Lil'Bit,

I love your advice above. Yes, this woman has some issues. Not only should we pray for her Carrie, but forgive her too. Forgiveness and harboring anger and frustration over what she says cannot co-exist. So forgive and excuse her to let go of those feelings if you have them now, and look upon her as if she's a small toddler who doesn't know any better blurting out inappropriate remarks. Might help you maintain your sense of humor about it all. She might have an epiphany about the whole thing eventually, and you could end up being good friends!

WE think you're just great Carrie!
Camille