The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[Carrie]

This is something I wrote when I first started MF. As I find myself today struggling to make the right decisions, I started thinking about this post - maybe it'll be relevant to others too.

I was surprised when I read it again by how much I have changed and yet also by how much I have stayed the same....My self-esteem has grown in leaps and bounds and I have left behind much of the self-hatred and self-abuse that seems to go hand in hand with being overweight (for me anyway). But I still have a lot of the same old 'foodie' thoughts....falling back to believing that food will make me feel better, or telling myself that eating today 'won't hurt anything'. I have learned that the infuriating struggle is the result of my unconscious triggers to eat fighting with my conscious desire to lose weight. I realize anew that this is a daily effort to change the way I live, and every day does make a difference.

I feel fortunate to have come as far as I have, and look forward to moving even farther forward.

Well, today I am thinking about resistance. There have been several posts lately (not to mention the thoughts in my own dang head) that address the fact that after initial success we find ourselves going off program. What is this??? We’re losing weight, it’s working and we mess with it. From weekend sneaks to late night nibblers, we all have to deal with this. What is this resistance to healthful, desired change???? What is this crazy compulsion to sabotage our success?

I have to tell everybody that the last time I stuck with a ‘diet plan’ for 15 days was the first time I tried Meridia, and that was GREAT. I forgot what food was and why I’d ever wanted it -for about 2 ½ months. Then it ‘wore off’ and I started eating again. I lost about 30 pounds that time and of course have gained it all back. I tried it again a couple times after that and it just didn’t work. I managed to lose about 20 pounds a couple other times, and then ran out of steam and gained it all back. All that failure made me feel hopeless when it comes to my eating and my weight. I’d try, every day, to make better choices and then find myself gorging on food by the evening. Some of it was physical hunger ….. I always skipped breakfast …… but most of it is in my head. This isn’t really real for me yet, and I don’t think it will be until I get past that old 20-30 pounds of 'been there done that' weight loss.

I notice sneaky thoughts making their way into my consciousness. Thoughts of failure and self-defeat. Things like “Oh sure you’ve made it a few days, but look how far you still have to go, don’t tell me you’re gonna stick with this for another 6 months, it’ll NEVER HAPPEN.” Or “you haven’t been thin in years and years, and you’ve tried over and over, you know you can’t lose weight, why are you bothering with this?” Or just simple food urgings “Bet a cheeseburger, fries and REAL chocolate shake would be good about now. You’ve been so good for so many days, don’t you DESERVE a treat???” Or my personal favorite was yesterday morning …… yesterday I got worried about having extra skin drooping if I get to my goal weight. I caught myself thinking that if that was going to happen, I’d rather just eat the way I want and be fat. HELLO??? McFLY??? Would I rather weigh 250 pounds and wear size 26 jeans or would I rather wear size 10-12 and tuck a fold or 2 into my jeans?????? Hmmm, let me think about that one for awhile …… NOT! And the really stupid thing is that THIS MAY NOT EVEN HAPPEN. I may reach goal weight and not have a problem with my skin. But that was yesterday’s attempt to derail myself.

I try and shut those thoughts out, but it’s really made me wonder lately where they come from, why they’re here, and why they won’t go away. Why an intelligent person would be having this inner dialogue that at times feels like multiple personality disorder.

I guess those thoughts are the voice of my past (I hope anyway), trying to stay in my present. They don’t want to die. Years and years of habit just won’t disappear after 15 days. Let’s face it …… bingeing has worked for me on some level all these years or I wouldn’t have been doing it. It provided insulation from stress, comfort, and an excuse for why I haven’t done all the things with my life I wanted to do. I can tell you that there were times in my life when I really believed FOOD WAS ALL I HAD. And here I am, out of the blue, trying to change it. I’m trying to change it because the end doesn’t justify the means. The payoff I get from food is a small and false one. It’s time to realize that and challenge my knee jerk impulse towards food. Besides I can either be busy thinking about how to stay on the plan, or else be busy thinking about how miserable I am because I'm fat and not doing anything about it.

I understand that resistance to change is one of the most basic issues of psychology. What I cannot quite get a grip on, is that my resistance - the forces inside myself trying to get me to go back to the status quo ------this is a part of MYSELF working AGAINST me being healthy and happy.

Doesn’t it seem counterproductive and alarming that part of a person would lobby for destructive behavior????

(and yes I realize that my years of obesity and overeating are the quintessential definition of destructive behavior). Habit or not, my lifestyle has put me in the final contenders seat for heart disease, diabetes, and a score of other health issues. And I can’t think of any way to change the bad habit, except through daily effort. I wish there was a quick fix, but I sure haven’t found it.

Sometimes the necessity of taking this one day at a time is wearing on my spirit. I wake up and tell myself that today I am going to follow the plan, no complaints, no wishy-washiness, no excuses. And then life happens. Something stresses me, I get upset, whatever, or just no reason at all. And I catch myself thinking about ‘cheating’, I catch myself thinking about just ditching the plan. So far I’ve been able to reel myself back in, but of course it worries me to have such moments of weakness only a few days into the plan.

So after a morning of feeling sorry for myself and wondering how I was ever gonna get through another 6 months of this, I realized that the alternative simply isn’t acceptable to me anymore. Food isn't going to change ANYTHING I'm dealing with.

I don’t deserve a trip through the drive-through, I deserve freedom from obesity and bingeing.

Years and years of habit won’t go away after 15 days, but they’ll be quieter after a couple months I bet, and quieter still after 6 months. There is no such thing as inertia, and at the end of every day I can feel good about the progress I made (albeit inches instead of yards) or I can feel lousy because I let my own impulses defeat me.

I guess it boils down to this ……..
Am I going to move forward today or backward? The decision is mine, and I want to get to the end of the day and feel good about the choices I made.

Preaching to the choir,
Carrie

[TamiL]

Carrie
That was a GREAT POST!! I remember when you first posted that....I too struggle with those DEMON food issues...the voices in my head that come in and say "its okay to have a little of this or that"....for me, I dont think those voices will ever go away, its been and will be a constant struggle for me with Food, but familiar to what you said in your post...will what I do today...get me closer to where I want to be? or will it push me back into my negative thinking and feeling?
Ive been struggling too, not off on any binges though...its been over 20 days for me....and with the blizzards and snow we are having, being stuck inside...I WANT TO EAT the house!! lol!! I have had Extra...Jello's, pickles...and yes I even ate some nuts, but for me...not driving to the store to stock up on candy and carbs....is a miracle!! Instead of being mad at myself...Im going to be proud of myself...for not caving!!!
Some days are harder than others...as all of us know!!
but the question always remains....Will eating this make me one step closer to my goal? or send me in the wrong direction....
I would rather lay down at night and know that I am one day closer to being where I want to be!!
HANG IN THERE!!!
we can do this together!!

Tami
PS.. if you havent tried the new Bannana shakes yet....GET SOME!! they are sooooo good!! I mix mine with some Peanut butter Divinchi Syrup..and its heavenly!!

[guest]

Wow....it's like you are inside my head. I know EXACTLY how you feel. There is a comforting factor in knowing that I'm not the only one that thinks and feels this way. Thank you for sharing. You are an inspiration!

[24KaratGold]

Insightful thoughts, Carrie, and thank you for posting them. We've all either been there or are there, I think. I know that I have the niggling little thought in the back of my head that says that I was a fat kid, a fat teen, a fat young adult, and now I'm a fat 40-something, and what makes me think I can ever be anything but fat?

For some reason, though -- maybe because of all the successes I see posted here -- I keep yelling at that little thought that THIS time I'm going to make it.

Hang in there. You are one of those inspirations to me, and thank you for it.