Hi Dutch,
I wish you well....
Your craziness with food is not unlike my own. I too set unrealistic goal weights for myself, starved, and overexercized......only to gain the weight back and more.
This was my pattern for more than 25 years! I measured my worth as a human being based on the numbers on the scale.
This insanity ended with the help of an excellent therapist, and Overeaters Anonymous.
I have been maintaining my 70 pound MF weight loss with the help of these wonderful support systems. I am at a REASONABLE weight for someone my age and body type, and I eat real food that I enjoy every day. I have willingly given up my personal binge or "trigger" foods. I exercise in moderation.
Best of all, for the first time in my life, I look in the mirror and I like the WHOLE person I see.
It has not been an easy journy, and I will be working on this, one day at a time, for the rest of my life...... But it is SO worth it.
Blessings,
Lois