First, about me:
I am 28 yrs old. I spent 10 yrs in the Navy when the only thing that ever held me back was my weight. (not that it held me back too much, I made E6 in less than 8 yrs.) When i was the best at doing what i did, and a great leader for juniors, i struggled continuously with weight. I was overlooked for awards, and my evaluations suffered from not being able to be within 'standards'. I accomplished so much, and am very proud of what i did and what i acheived, but i know that i could've been so much more is i had been in compliance with the physical fitness program. It made me mad to see 'skinny' people who could eat what ever they wanted, never exercise, be 'average' or below at their jobs, and never struggle with weight/pt requirements. UUGGHHHH how frustrating.
Anyway, i'm 5'10", and 10 yrs ago, weighed in around 185.... still over the max of 177 i'm allowed for the navy, but still within my body fat %. 7 yrs in, i had ate my way up to 200. But, i was working out, and i convinced myself that it was okay, because muscle weighs more than fat. At 23, i got pregnant, and at 24 and the birth of my beautiful daughter, i tipped the scales at 253. Well, needless to say, i've never see anything less than 210 since. Actually, i tried WW a few times, and i did get down to 208 at one point. WHoo-hoo, right? I decided to get out of the service. i was too good at what i did to be judged about my weight. In a regular job, doing the same thing i was doing in the military, i would be $$$$ alot more, and no one would tell me what i need to weigh and that i need to run a mile and a half in 15 minutes. So that's what i did, and i promised my self and my boyfriend (almost fiance
) that i would not let myself go, and i would maintain what i was when i separated (around 207). Welllllll, 2 months later, i was diagnosed with Sudden Senso Neural Hearing Loss, and lost complete hearing in my right ear, for some unknown reason (maybe sleeping under the flight deck of an aircraft carrier during flight ops for 2 yrs, huh? 'they' (Dr's) say nope... not noise related) So their solution (dr's) was to prescribe me with Predisone (?). uh.... yea right. did not help with hearing, but sure blew me up in a matter of weeks! so by then, i was up to about 225... so here i was, 27 at the time, can't hear, no one can tell me why, they can't fix it, and i'm fatter than before. So what do i do? Depression set in... (oh yea, througout all of this, i have a wonderful boyfriend who is still active navy, and we are battling through a long distance relationship. He is in KeyWest, and I'm in Tampa with my daughter. We considered moving down there, but the job opportunities for what i do weren't there, and my family is here. He retires in 2008, when he'll move up here, and we will tie the knot, buy the house, etc, etc.... ) He is very supportive, but how much can a phone really 'be there for you'? We see each other a little less often than before, but only due to sked conflicts/finances... not because we choose to. So now I'm depressed, w/ a toddler at home by myself, can't hear in one ear, and getting fatter by the day. Bad day? let me make myself feel better by going to one of my favorite resturants and eating what i want... mmmmm.. thanks trusty food for being there again. But wait.. i would feel worse after i ate... what kinda friend are you? 
So i buy a treadmill, that i never get on, because i'm tired ALLLLL the time. i look at this diet and that diet... say i'll start on (random date)... date comes and goes, and i'm still saying who wants to go to dinner??? Reality checks: my daughter asked if i was pregnant, cuz when you have a fat belly, there's a baby inside.... Boyfriend isn't as affectionate last few visits... says he doesnt' care about my weight and still loves me, but in my head his lack of affection = I'm a fatty. Even my father pointed out that i had gained alot of weight since last year after i got out of service. OUCH. Get on the scale.... 234.... havent' weighed that since pregnancy. I would like to get down to 190 to start... then maybe 175 just because later
So now what? Sure i could keep believing people who say 'oh your just thick, not fat' or 'your so tall you carry it well' or ' the steroids they put you on are to blame, its okay' or 'you have such a pretty face' or 'you carry yourself with such confidence, no one notices your weight' whatever random saying that comes up to falsely justify me being fat. I'm uncomfortable in my clothes.. i went from wearing XL's and 14's to 2X and 18+.. How could i allow this to happen? i have an active daughter i need to keep up with and a boyfriend i want to be irresistable to, and a feeling that i need to fulfill by finding myself again; to actual own the confidence that i portray, to prove that I can do it, and Food is not a crutch for my pitying myself.
Wow... in no way am i writing this for any one to feel bad for me, cuz i know there are much much worse situations/reasons out there and everyone's issues are individualized. But i'm glad that i can express this in this forum, and face what is really going on with me. Now, through this journal, i can hold myself accountable and own my issues and throw away the excuses. I have gotten out of control in my own realm, and no one is responsible for that but ME. So I have to do this for ME. For MY self esteem, for MY confidence, for MY future, and for my daughter.
I used to like having my picture taken... i'm pretty photogenic, and not to sound vain, but it feels good when people say what good pictures you take. Now, i avoid the camera if i can. i don't want to face that that fat a$$ is really me! Well the heat is on.... i took the 'before pics' on day 1... UUUGGHHHHH
Time to change, forever, i've typed my lists of why i want to lose weight and posted them on the fridge, the bathroom mirror, the bedroom mirror (easy to do when its' just me and lil' bit at home); i've started on the MF plan, and am determined! I've pulled out the bathingsuit that i've never worn cuz i'm too fat (bikini from VS) Boyfriend already said (at NEW YEAR'S '06!!!!) that if i lost 20 lbs, we would do a carribean cruise.... you would think that would be motivating....
I haven't told him about MF... i want to surprise him. we don't have any plans to see each other right now... talking about Vet's day in November... i'm thinking if i stick to plan, i can be down 20 lbs by then.... If thanksgiving is the next time we see each other, great... maybe 30? I know if i see results, i can stick to it... my before pic will get me through
so if you took the time to read this entry, thanks, if not, i don't blame you, it's like a BOOK!
til next entry.... shakin' away....
Finding the new me!!
Am i the only person who goes through this? So now i'm trying to analyze how much a pound is in calories and how much i will be able to eat when i'm at goal, and how i'm gonna incorporate the food i like (in moderation) to my diet. Isn't the norm that if you want to maintain your weight, you jsut workout 3 times a week for 45 minutes? UGGHHHHH.... why do i obsess about food? why is it such an important factor in my day, my lifestyle? i really feel like all my thoughts revolve around food. am i alone? i'm really trying to stay strong! MF is really easy... its the temptation that's not. i don't want to let myself down (for once! normally i don't hesitate to cheat).... i feel like i'm on the right track, but the thoughts of food keep creeping in and are making me second guess if i can do this 
--Diana
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