The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[bikipatra]

As long as you don't mean a martini bar....

Thanks Biki... you made me laugh... and believe me, there is nothing i needed more right now...... ( i meant the laugh... although the martini bar is VERY Tempting. Right this minute. Yes, before 11 am.)

why does love suck so bad?

Sad as it is I used to go to this bar in Dallas that opened at 7:30am!!!!

[Karli]

Okay, QT -- I just read up on what's going on with you. I only read this page of your journal to catch up on your relationship so I don't know much about what's been happening before this page... but, being a slightly opinionated woman myself I did find myself developing some thoughts. I am going to try to just present them in a mature fashion.

First of all, the things that you want in a relationship are completely reasonable in general. All you need to figure out is where and how you are going to achieve those things in your life, and then be honest with yourself in terms of working those details out and whether they are really happening or not.

You know, I am a person who believes that most people are probably "good" and well-intentioned -- though life is messy and we each do what we can to cope. I think that each individual has a huge potential to live out in their lifetime. I believe that you have a knack for seeing the good in others, for seeing their potential as an individual, and for appreciating those qualities, and that is why you treat them so well -- in your eyes they deserve it.

BUT, who they are RIGHT NOW, and everything they can be should NOT, in anyway, hinder your potential as an individual, either; it should utterly support it. That is a healthy and working relationship. Yes, compromises must be made, but, it is something along the lines of the type of things we give up to be getting our eating in order... we are actually only trading something less for something more (in some way), and it therefore works to build us in a better way. But, that's up to you and truly discerning whether you are making a proper trade within yourself.

The thing is, you cannot build a relationship on *future* potential alone. I know that you have had some beautiful times with Terrance. I know that these are special and that is evidence that there is potential in your relationship. BUT, what is happening right now MUST also be working for you on *at least* a weekly basis, of some sort, if you are thinking about this relationship being there for the rest of your life.

Yes, it will change over the years. EVERY relationship does, and, there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. Also, there is no such thing as a relationship that will fulfill our every single need. That is what LIFE is for. Relationships are only PART of life, though they are a very vital part of life.

Living our potential is something that we do in each moment. It's not just something far off that we reach after walking through a barren dessert or swimming through oceans and climbing over mountains. It's something we do in each moment with where we are at NOW. I believe most things (and I believe this the more I watch and observe in my life and the life around me) about living our potential boils down to three basic elements :

1. Motivation/Inspiration
2. Action
3. Commitment

All three of those elements are needed to live one's potential in each moment. I must be motivated to eat right today, then I must do it, then I must be commited. As I work this out through the day, the success of its working brings about some kind of result that further motivates me, gives me more courage to act, and increases my commitment to whatever I am doing. Without any one of those three elements, one may get somewhere, but I don't believe it's to one's full potential.

I may be motivated to eat right one day and I may also be commited to it in the long run (or even for the day), but if I don't act on it, I won't accomplish what I could have. I think it's similar with all three elements.

And, I think it's similar in relationships, too. Does this relationship motivate you both to live your potential ? Does this relationship's motivation inspire you BOTH to act out your full potential ? Is there a mutual commitment to this relationship ?

I don't know what any of those answers are. I know what my impressions are from hearing your side in your journal here, and I will admit, I have some *alarms* sounding off about it all (but sometimes I am easily alarmed ). But, take all of that strength and intelligence that you have and think about your daughter and what she is really getting out of the deal. Be honest with yourself about what this relationship is giving you and Terrance. It will probalby change things... but things change anyway. And, thinking through these things is not going to harm anything if it can't be harmed. You know ?

Well, I have blabbed. I am sorry, but relationships are tricky sometimes and I just really feel for you. You just keep your head on straight and TRUST yourself.

Best wishes,
Karli

[QT2Lose45]

Karli, thank you for such an encouraging (and real) post...

I have spent the last few hours exploring what is really going on. First I want to say all the blame isn't on him... i'm not making excuses for him either, but i sat back and thought about everything that has been going on lately, and he and I both are to blame for different things. But pointing fingers and shifting that blame isn't productive or condusive for a healthy relationship, and with us being long distance we don't need to add any un healthy factors! so after REALLY REALLY digging deep to find out where all this is branching from this is what i came up with....

Do i believe Terrance loves me and Mikaela and has our best interest in his actions/intentions? Yes.

Do i believe that terrance is doing what he feels he needs to do to benefit our future? Yes. Unfortunately that means he is extremely busy.

do i think that should be an excuse to neglect our relationship? NO.

Okay, I'm insecure from past relationships... VERY insecure. Terrance and I dealt with this in depth during the first year of being together. I realized that there were times I wasn't being fair to him and i have worked on that. so i guess at times, those feelings come back for me and instead of dealing with MY issues and feelings, i project them onto him which in turn pushes him away... But i don't acknowledge that it is stemmed from my insecurity, and he just thinks i'm tripping. So we made a compromise about the phone thing a few months back, after he got custody of his 14 yr old daughter and his world was flipped upside down... it meant we didn't talk as much as I want to, but he hates the phone period, so we compromised. So on days that our 'agreement' isn't in full swing, i start calling more, he gets annoyed because he is super busy, then he doesn't want to talk, then i get mad, take it personal, and bam! we are going at it again over the DUMB PHONE.

This time i realize that since the holidays things have extremely slowed down for me... at home, at work, everywhere. i used to be on the go, non stop, always doing something, going somewhere... weekends were busy, after work was busy. All of a sudden, i've got this time i'm not use to having. I've got a routine down, which i like very much. But now, when i used to miss terrance but was always on the go, I sit and think about how much i miss terrance. then i think of all these ways we can see each other and when i suggest them, i would get shot down because of his schedule and then i took it personal, and then the whole snowball effect would happen and before you know it i can't sleep at night cuz i'm wondering who he's up talking to or seeing... all that based on no evidence?! Okay, this is where he comes in... uh, still gotta call me... still gotta tell me you love me, miss me, wanna see me.... AND HE DOES, I just wasn't listening because i'm too busy playin in 'insecure land' playin out his made up affair in my head when he is really home asleep in bed because he works two very hectic, intense jobs and has a teenage daughter to deal with every day. So i explained to him in an email (no tears attached) that that was my theory. And that when i feel that way, i need to say Hey, need a little boost about our relationship right now, instead of accusing him of things and blowing his phone up. and i explained that i think his behavior has changed and he needs to look at that.

so we both need to be more considerate of each other... for example, my job, as important as it is, has a lot of down time (bet you never guessed that with as much time as i spend on the forum, huh?) He doesn't. He is alwayssssss busy at work. there are not enough hours in the day to do his job. Then he leaves there, takes care of his daughter and runs a dj business by himself. He is contemplating cutting back his hours at sloppy joes because he is getting burned out and private parties make more money. There is a lot of prep to go into the dj stuff... he does all types of events/music. so he is constantly 'chasing music' as he says. I don't see any of this cuz i'm up here in my own world.

So maybe it's not about games (my previous theory) so i'm going to make an effort to TRUST him (his given me no reason not to) and be considerate of his time (since he has less than me right now) and i should use this energy and put it towards me and getting myself together and doing things that i like. And i'm sure his actions will follow when i'm not pushing him into a corner. If they don't (and i need to remind myself to give it time, not expect a change in 24 hours) then i need to reexamine the situation.

Karli, the 3 things you mention are key... thank you for breaking it down that way.... yes, we both have the motivation and inspiration. Our actions however are different.... he truly believes that by having the dj business, and working so hard now, that it is setting the foundation for our future and i see that to a point. He thinks that is his commitment to making a better life as we go and that he's not out there looking for something else and tries to see me as much as he can. To me I see it as action is showing him how much i love him by doing things for him and us... which means we need to see each other... uggghhhh... i need to consider what his perception of those three things are, and he needs to consider mine... that would probably help us understand each other and know if it's compatible with one another.

okay, i'm ramblin now..besides, it's time for soup. and maybe to do a little work

[QT2Lose45]

uuughhhh......

so i left work today at 3 to go tan w/ my neighbor friend.... guess who was calling as soon as i got in the car? Yep, Terrance. AND he didn't have an attitude, he wasn't short with me or anything. I knew he had read my email cuz i had a read receipt from him. so he asked what i was doing and then told me what happened when he called to take care of the phone bill. then there was just silence.... i asked if he got my email (duh... just wanted to break the silence) he said yep. more silence.... *crickets chirping*.... um, okay, so what did you think i said..... i'll let you know he said. then we chit chatted about me going to tan, and then we both said we had to go, so he said to let him know what happened when i talk to sprint. I said alright i will, and we both said love you and that was it. so now i'm just waiting for a response in my email. I did talk to sprint tonight, and was going to call him to tell him what happened, but i decided not too... i'll just email it to him in the morning. i'm not as upset about it as i was earlier...or the past few days. Maybe because i took time to really explore why things were the way they were.

on another note.... back to MF.... well, i was doing good all day. had my L&G when we went to tan around 4... grilled chick salad w/ ff ranch, tomatos, mushrooms, cucumber, egg (the chick was only 4 oz, so i figured the egg was okay) I have 2 supps left for the day, and i am watching my other neighbors kids til she gets off work around 8 (now). i thought i had some mac and cheese to make them, but i didn't so i ran down to mcd's to get them happy meals....




i had a handful of fries and one chicken nugget.

but hopefully it won't effect too much, and since it was extra calories, i think i'm just going to have one more supp before bed.


but on a good note, i busted out 75 squats while i was tanning!!! (it was a stand up bed in case you are trying to imagine how i was doing squats in a lay down bed, ha ha ha)

mom's night out was moved to tonight... which wasn't my choice, but whateva... at least i'm actually going out. so i have to go shower up and get ready to sip on some diet cokes all night!!

til later!

[Karli]

i had a handful of fries and one chicken nugget.

Hi, QT. It's not the food or munching that matters as much as the frame of mind that caused/allowed you to do it. If you are realizing that it didn't give you what it seemed it would or what you wanted out of it, then pay attention to that, because it's true. Don't ignore the lessons you learn along the way, you need them.

Take care,
Karli

[Taangrl21]

Hey QT- just checking in to see how your night went???

[KeleeGrl]

but on a good note, i busted out 75 squats while i was tanning!!! (it was a stand up bed in case you are trying to imagine how i was doing squats in a lay down bed, ha ha ha)

I'm glad you explained that cuz my imagination would have really gotten creative on this one! lol

[QT2Lose45]

good morning....

last night was okay.. minor speed bumps. NO alcohol, so that was good, although i was offered a couple of rounds that i had to pass up on. Drank 2 diet cokes, and 2 waters. BUT they ordered appetizers.... one that i think was okay, and one that wasn't (but could've been worse) tuna sashimi i think was okay.... it was pan seared, but there was nothing else on it (seasame seeds) but i had a little calimari... it was only *lightly fried* does that count as kind of okay?? I know, i know.... but the 2 appetizers were between 4 people and they were pretty small portions so i just skipped my last supp when i got home due to the extra cal's in the food.

my scale must be broke, ha ha ha... besides my little speed bumps yesterday, it still said 216. Whateva... i'm gonna learn from Biki and focus on staying compliant, the scale will follow..... eventually...... so i'm at least hoping by sunday's roll call to have some change. 2 weeks til my trip to SD and i'm still 10 lbs from where i want to be. i think i'll put the scale away til sunday. (away as in at my friends house so i'm not even tempted.)

Didn't get in til about 2 and didn't go to bed til about 3... so pretty tired today...... it's all good, that means i'll have an early night tonight and maybe lose some weight in my sleep....

oh yea, the 75 squats yesterday that seemed like no big deal..... my thighs are KILLIN me today!! but in a good way... that 'hurts good cuz i'm working out' hurt!

okay... til later.

[Taangrl21]

Glad to hear you had a nice time. I wouldnt worry about the little appeteizer you did have, it happened and its over. Like you said, stay compliant and the scale will follow. So your trip thats coming up...are you excited? Did you make plans for anything there yet?

[bikipatra]

Thanks for quoting me and it has worked for me but leave out the part where I ate a MF chocolate bar in my sleep last night. I woke up this morning to wash my face and I thought I was growing Elvis sideburns. No, it was a chocolate smear. I am so gross sometimes. But I am focused on compliance, dammit!

[QT2Lose45]

Thank... i am just moving on from the incident last night... Biki, you crack me up talking about chocolate smeared on your face!

so i have to go to the store for a couple of things... we are out of water in the water cooler at work so i'm already behind on water.... i don't know if these guys think the magic water fairy is going to show up and refill all the 5 gallon water jugs while we are busy working or what... but i need my water DANG IT.... so i'm going to buy some bottles to keep under my desk for emergencies like this. Figure i'll pick up the measuring tape while i'm out also.

YES YES YES.. .i'm super excited about my trip to SD, except it is going to be SUPER HECTIC!! ALLLLLL my close friends are out there, so i'll be 'making rounds' while i'm there. my best best bestest friend just bought a new house, and had her 3rd baby, my 3rd God-baby and her first boy... so I've got to go see my new Godson who was born in August. I was there when both of my 2 Goddaughters (7&4) were born, so i'm late seeing him! Super excited about that... while i'm there i have to drive to LeMoore California to visit my other close friend and her kids for a couple of days (4-5 hour drive). Then i have 3 other friends and their families that i have to spend 'valuable time' with. On top of that, i have about 4 people i am scheduled to go 'do lunch' with. So, i will be busy.... i also have to go to the family law court to update my child custody file with some statements from some pretty messed up events that have happened since i left in Oct 05, and request another hearing to try to gain sole legal/physical custody of my daughter. Her real father is unbelievable... that's a whole other story.... probably needs it's own journal, ha ha, but it's a bad situation that i need to get the legalities of it changed so he can stop disrupting our life when he feels like it, so i have to take care of that while i'm there. I do not plan on staying on program while i am there... i don't want to totally pig out... but it's been over a year since i was there and there are things that i really miss (or so i think i miss, we'll see when i have them again if i really miss it or not) so I know i'm going to eat Rubio's fish tacos and some Carne Asada chips (the best ever!!) and there is this unbelievable deli there by the university that has speciality sandwiches that are out of this world, so i'll be hitting up the sandwich shop. I think that's the only things i plan on splurging on... and my one friend who has 4 kids i used to cook for all the time and she told me they already have a 'list' of stuff they want me to make for them when i get there.... (nice to see i'm missed, ha ha ha) Shrimp tempura, my 'morning donuts', and my famous 'taco salad' .. so for the few first days i'm at her house, i'll be catering to her kids (14, 10, 6, and 4) It's not really the place "san diego" that i'm going to visit, it is the people... i can not wait to see my friends... i miss them so much since i've moved. I've made friends here, but it's not the same... 4 of us have been friends for 11 years now, and the one with 4 kids i've been friends for over 5 years... she has a day care and she has taken care of Mikaela since she was 6 weeks old and her entire family was the only 'family' Kay and i had when we lived out there. so it'll be lots of fun and probably very sad when i have to come back home...

HA! I guess looking at everything i just wrote, yes, i'm excited about going there

off to eat my bar and hit up the store.... Water... must... get........ water!

[bikipatra]

I hope you have a great time! I haven't taken an exciting trip in a while-not that I remember anyway...

[QT2Lose45]

well.. i went to pay some bills i hate giving my money away, i don't care what its for (unless i'm shopping he he he) and i bought 4 20 oz bottles of aquafina to get through before i leave work around 4pm. How about i was sooooooo thirsty that in a 2 mile stretch from the shopping plaza back to work, i guzzled down 2 of the bottles!!! Well, 40 oz down, 40 to go getting ready to make my chkn nood soup...

also, last night i didn't speak w/ Terrance... no biggie. It was cool that i was out, i didn't think about it (okay, i did, but i wasn't trippin about it). So this morning i sent him an email to update him on my dealings with Sprint yesterday ANNNNDD i sent a couple of pics from last night with my girlfriend that i went out with... Let him know i was wearing jeans i couldn't fit in before. That was it.... still haven't gotten a response email from the one i sent yesterday mid day, BUT while i was out getting my water, he called!! He said the pics looked good. and i asked 'so, can you tell?' he said 'I said they look good... they look Really Good....'
He was taking Cori (daughter) lunch money and had got to the school, so he said he would call back... no biggie if he doesn't right away... i'm not going to get all psycho and start 'making up things in my head' again. I swear i have been on some kind of emotional rollar coaster lately... maybe i need to look at getting some kind of 'stabilizing' meds!!! Anyway, it felt really good that he complimented me... hopefully the pics will hook 'em to see me soon! (not that i think he doesn't want to, just he needs to know when to say when with scheduling everything else to MAKE time for us)

okay time to make soup... laterz....

[Karli]

QT, it sounds like you are doing great. You know, it's not strange to want to check in with your partner to make sure things are on the up and up (esp. if communication is lacking for your needs and esp since it's long distance). I am not saying that one should be walking around being suspicious, either, there must be trust involved.

I just get the impression that sometimes you are trying to talk yourself out of some intuitions that you have, and sign them off as tripping just because things are not being slammed in your face a certain way.

I am not indicating that you need to believe "the worst," and I understand the need to focus on what's really happening and all, but, I guess as an observer on your life (through your journal) and as a woman, I wish you would not write yourself off so easily. And, maybe you don't. I do see that you recognize your strengths.

But, I have to admit that I would have a difficult time in the relationship under the circumstances you describe and as I understand it. But, it's not me in it, it's you, so it doens't really matter what I feel. I just want you to feel appreciated for who you are. You are raising your's and his child in his absence (in many ways), QT.

I have reservations about posting this, which means that maybe I should be keepig my mouth shut... but, here I go hitting the "submit" button anyway.

[QT2Lose45]

Karli, i hear you about the intuition thing.... please feel free to add your opinions anytime! that's why i'm posting all this, to get other opinions/insight... as the one going through it, i know i can be blinded or persuaded for one reason or another, so an outsider opinion could prove to be a reality check for me... and believe me, when he comes home for good and is here every night; if those intuitions come up i will definitely explore them more... But right now it's hard... because whether i think he is doing something or not, i will never know (without evidence anyway). even if i ask and he is he'll tell me no; how would i know? then me even asking is coming across a little accusatory, so that would cause friction. Then he could always turn it around and assume the same of me. SOOOOO it comes to trust. Which has/is a problem for me, but not because of him. So i should be somewhat fair and trust til he gives me an ACTUAL reason not too.I expect him to do that for me and would be offended if he didn't... I too wonder if sometimes i am second guessing myself or not. I know that i'm not deprived of what i want/need when we are together. He treats me great and is very very supportive of everything i have ever wanted to to do. i guess all this other crap comes with the whole 'LDR' package. Doesnt' help that i start getting all weird on him cuz i ASSUME because he is a man he is going to do the same things other men have done to me. *deep breath* okay anyway... we'll see if he calls tonight, I don't know if he is dj'n tonight or not.

so on another note... i usually get my hair highlighted at the salon... an expensive one. Too expensive. Of course it time for more highlights, and i have an appt before my trip, but i want that money for my trip.... soooo i bought a hair color kit at target. so we'll see how it turns out. I haven't done a home color kit in like 10 years!!! I have blonde and red highlights in my brown hair.... so it's going to all be 'light brown' (which will probably look really dark after having blonde highlights for so long) then a couple of days before my trip, my friend is going to do a box of highlights for me. WAYYYYY cheaper than the salon! if it doesn't work out, i'll keep my appt.

Just made the tuna casserole that i wrote about in the lean cuisine section and it turned out really really really good!!! okay, time for Kay's bath and my 'great hair experience'!!

later....