The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[Carrie]

Sheryl, Welllllllllllllllllllllllllll, I don't know what's rude about declining the invite - I guess it's just one of those things I've been taught. "You have to do 'x'", and have blindly obeyed my upbringing. Maybe I need to relearn that I don't always have to follow Ms. Manners to the T.

And Mike, honestly, if I were to give a gift and not attend, one of the troublemakers would certainly find something derogatory to say about it. After all, I don't wash my hands right and I lean back in my chair. Until I had a huge bulletin board installed over my window, they used to come in and adjust the blinds so that they could stand in the hallway and watch me without me knowing it. I've never experienced anything like this in my life, I've never had anything other than very minor presonality issues at any job, and I feel like I walk around here with a bullseye plastered to my back.

It's unfortunate that the situation has progressed as far as it has - thanks to a boss who didn't stop it before it got to this level. One of the women had applied for my job (before I applied) and been turned down, and apparently that makes her hate me. One of my projects over the next couple months is to attempt change here - to a more reasonable, adult environment - failing that I will ask that the supervisor designation be removed from my job description and asked to be moved to another area where I don't have to deal with this every day. You're right being around such negativity brings me down every day. I guess I am very susceptible to what's going on around me, and try as I may I cannot shut it out. Neither can I just keep my door closed all the time.

Case in point, the day before I left for vacation I woke up very ill, with the flu, and was trapped in my bathroom for several hours. (ick) I'm worried about whether or not I will be able to fly the next morning and my boss keeps calling me because he can't find things. Towards the afternoon I thought I could make it to the office to show him what he was looking for. I walked in and by the time I got to his office the trouble makers at the far end of the hall had called the trouble makers at my end of the hall to report that I had just walked in the door. I know this because as I walked in the girl at this end of the hall was saying 'Oh she just walked in the door?' It's sheer lunacy. On the other hand it would probably make for a good soap opera, maybe I should take notes and right a screenplay, LOL

And Mike's right, people can only push me as far as I am willing to let them, this one just ambushed me and I had no point of reference for dealing with it. <shrug> oh well, life goes on, but I am definitely going to explore the 'learning to decline invitations' thing, regardless of what Mom said when I was 4!

Carrie

[Simmshe]

Hey Mike--was my post Ann Landerish ? Didn't mean to come across that way, if I did-- it's just my style.

And I definitely didn't mean to infer that Carrie was the "pushover" type of nice person. There is quite a difference between being nice and being a pushover. I don't infer things about people that I don't know well or assume things about them--that's why I asked if she is considered the "nice one"--obviously, I don't know this. I have seen people mess with nice, nonpushover people (one of my best friends/ex-coworkers, in particular), reporting on them to management for the silliest things and trying to act as if they are their supervisors themselves. So this is why I asked her is she was a nice person, wondering if this might be why some people choose to pick with her over petty things--no presumptuous assumptions made.

Just wanted to clarify .

[Sylvia]

I'm glad you'll be making a change if you can't help turn the environment around! Doesn't sound like a job I'd feel happy going to!

I understand what you're saying about the ingrained need to be polite - perhaps more of a token gesture next time. Face it - with this group, it doesn't matter WHAT you do, it will be wrong and they will talk about you - after all, you DO lean back in your chair and all!

[explorthis]

And Mike, honestly, if I were to give a gift and not attend, one of the troublemakers would certainly find something derogatory to say about it.

S-I-G-H. I know, I know BUT dang it, WHO CARES? This is not brain surgery, it is a job. It’s not a popularity contest. Let them talk. WHO CARES? You know that you are better than that. If your so called boss wants a change, then he/she is obviously supporting you. So again WHO CARES what they say or think? It is what is in your heart, and I can see you are pretty genuine!

My teen is going thru this peer pressure thing, shoes, clothes, hair, not to mention, if her shoes are not tied just like the other kids shoes (this is such a joke) then there is ridicule. She makes mountains out of mole hills. Funny, I wish now, I only had her pressures. If we could only reverse time, and realize our parents for the most part were DANG smart huh? I keep telling her, it’s not a contest, and people like you for who YOU are, not for how you’re dressed. Try instilling this into a teen, or adult for this matter. When they sneak a comment (and it’s not just directed at her, it’s directed at anyone that is not “exactly” the way they should be) I tell her just ignore it. If I tell her to talk to the wall, she says why, there is no one listening, Exactly, I say, it’s the same for comments directed at you, or your friends, if there is no retaliation on your part, the comments stop. If they toss a match in the fire, and there is fuel, it burns no fuel, no fire. Then again, she is 13. (like talking to a wall anyway)

Again, off track, point is, WHO CARES what they think, or what they say, if you know it’s not true? You are you, and this is all that matters. Do the job, do what you want, just be able to sleep in true comfort with yourself at night.

And Mike's right

And don’t you forget it.

-Mike (ducking now from flying objects)

[Jeanette]

Carrie:

You lean back in your chair??? GASP! HORROR!!

Come on now! If they have nothing better to do than to gripe about stuff like THAT, then they seriously need to get a life.

SHEESH! The nerve of some people!

[RavenKat]

Well, you are a saint to put up with that crap - honestly! Sounds like 7th grade all over again. I'd have quit long ago I think - I'm a weenie that way. Things crappy? Quit.

You should be in my body for a day - I don't answer the phone if I don't want to (an invitation from some idiot to talk) nor do I answer the doorbell when it rings (an invite to buy something from someone). I have a no soliciting sign even though many people don't understand that what they are doing is soliciting.

You hang in there! If it bugs you then let it bug you BUT not too long. No fair letting these ninnies have as much control over you as they think they do. (I say that as I've let the fact that my officemate consistently gets away with leaving after 8 hours when I have to stay 9, eat me alive at times.) I UNDERSTAND I SYMPATHIZE but I don't want you to be in an unhappy state.

Kat

[explorthis]

Hey Mike--was my post Ann Landerish

HEAVENS NO. This is a great post, a little off topic, (and very supportive) but wonderful. You did not imply anything, and I did not take it as such whatsoever. Your posts are WONDERFUL!

-Mike

[Carrie]

I know, LOLOL, guys I AM A MENACE TO SOCIETY, leaning back in my chair and all. They should see what I do at home! They'd have me drawn and quartered!

It's not so much I care what they think-cause I don't, it's that I have to coexist here 5 days a week, 8 hours a day, and the negativity is a DRAIN. I just want to come to work, and do my job with a minimum of harrassment. I don't see why we all can't just be pleasant. I ignore it as much as I can, and am going to do what I can to either change it or get me out of it, barring that - I'll have to learn some mondo-zen techniques to block it all out!

I realize the chair thing has come a big shock to youall and understand completely if some of you can't bear to be my friend any longer <sigh>

tee hee

[Simmshe]

Thanks Mike ... everything is more clear now in my hazy, PMS-fatigued brain .

You know Carrie, I pick up negative energy, too--I'm a sponge in negative environments--I soak up the energy when I first walk through the door of such environments. But like Kat, I quickly say "sayonara" to such places. But hey, we do what we have to do in situations until we can change them. Hopefully your change in environment will happen soon (I know, even soon is not soon enough when being in a toxic environment!).

And I'm appalled at your chair leaning! To think that in this day and age, people are leaning back in their chairs at work--oh, the shame !

Sheryl

[explorthis]

I must be a real dork, I have a long cord (as I type this) on my keyboard, with board in lap, leaning back, feet up on the desk, as I always do IN MY CHAIR typing my response....

Dare to ask what I think what others think about that?

Don't make me post it.

IYAMWHATIYAM!

-Mike

[Carrie]

I tell ya, you'd cause a meltdown in my office!

[Marseilles]

My two cents:

Mike: it isnt your feet up on your desk that makes you a dork..TRUST ME.

MUAHAHAHAHA

Carrie: The next time the one complaining about the chair leaning walks by, do it s'more..and pretend to pick your nose. If nothing else, it'd be funny to watch the so-and-so walk into a wall.

You menace to society, you.

All things aside though, we were raised in the same school of manners, I too would attend; although begrudgingly.

You are so above the rats; the entire lot of them. Shrug it off girlfriend, they will never be half the person you are..and I aint talkin about yer weight, sistah.

*HUGS*
-M.

[hawaiiwhatnot]

Hi Carrie,

Reading your post, I kept remembering our office's policy of not allowing solicitations at the workplace for soccer fund-raising, girl scout cookie sales, and things of that nature, as well as not allowing birthday, showers or other parties at the office. This meant it had to be outside on our own time, not during work and not at work. This is because all of this stuff gets out of hand after a while, and we all know that in order to promote successful teamwork in an office, we all feel obligated to participate whether it's in a project or social event, and that can be very unfair due to everyone having different economic and social standards. We also know that although we are friendly at work with some of these people, we may not necessarily want to hang out with them as friends outside of work. These policies eliminated all of that awkwardness of feeling obliged to contribute monetarily and socially when we really may not want to.

I bought the book Letitia Baldridge's New Complete Guide to Executive Manners because I had to entertain high end clients at lunch and wanted to be confident that I wouldn't offend them and be appropriately "proper".
I drug it out and here's what she has to say about office parties like yours:

"Save the company a lot of grief. Issue an imperial decree that wedding and baby showers are to be held anywhere but in the office. Employees who wish to band together for showers can do so at lunch away from company premises. "

Also she says:
"When such celebrations within the office become a habit..., the situation can turn into a real personnel problem, for the following reasons:
- The employees complain about being solicited all the time by their peers for financial contributions to the birthday gift and/or the cake for their colleague
-Managers complain about losing all that valuable work time while employees ooah and aah over the gifts to get...
If you are a senior manager and want to make a strong policy about birthdays (and the same goes for wedding showers), do it. Simply issue a memo or announce in a personnel newsletter that henceforth all birthday celebrations and showers are appropriately held outside of office premises and on the employee's own time. Immediately after such an executive edict is published, it would be very smart of the CEO to state once again that the annual holiday office party will, of course, be held in December, and that all employees are invited to one last company blast of the year - the final, all-in-one birthday-wedding-baby-shower celebration. (It will show that the CEO's heart is in the right place.)"

Although you may not be senior enough to issue an edict like this, perhaps you could anonymously send a memo to the personnel director or president with these suggestions. As you already know and can see the irony in it all, you couldn't do the same thing as a supervisor, asking for financial contributions from co-workers without THEM complaining!

I hope this helps. I've been in a difficult office environment with other women. I think some people feel more superior perhaps by berating others? Hang in there Carrie. Stay the nice friendly genuine person throughout this office survival ordeal. I know it's tough to handle because we spend more time at work than at home! Take comfort in knowing you have friends on the forum...

Also I visited a forum that helped me a lot to vent and get advice. Visit the Dealing With Difficult People message board for workers at ivillage at:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-cadifficult

Your MF Pal,
Camille

[Carrie]

Camille,
Thank you so much. I am definitely going to invest in that book. I'm not sure how much change I can affect in a place as ingrained as this one, but I'm going to try.

The whole thing reminds me of two sayings - one I saw on a t-shirt long ago 'It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys.' And the other something an old family friend used to say (pardon the language), 'If you walk around in s**t long enough, some of it's going to stick.'

I think I'm about at my do or die level, the last 3 nights I've lost sleep over the problems here, so it'll either be make it change or run for my life!

Thanks again Camille, you've given me a whole new resource,
Carrie

[Echo]

I know I'm late to this subject but I wanted to give you my support Carrie. It's hard to be around negative people, and when you are in a supervisory role you can be a target while having to maintain professionalism.

All I can say is sour grapes, they want what you have. When they are petty, remember, it's just sour grapes. Get used to it, the more weight you lose the more they will be sour pusses. Let them gossip, my mom told me a long time ago that people who gossip must have boring lives to want to focus on someone elses that much.

As far as the pot luck, we have them all the time at work. I used to bring crab and cheese dips or some other monstrosity. Now I bring crudite, watermelon, healthy choices. It is a reflection of my new healthy lifestyle and so many people are trying to stay healthy they appreciate when there is something other than chips and dip.