The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[MissyK]

First of all, I want to tell you all how excited I am to be here! My Medifast arrived FINALLY today!

Now, a bit about me. I'm a university student with a history of eating disorders.
There's never been a point in my life when I WASN'T dieting.
I suffered from anorexia in high school, and then discovered bulimia.
After that, I went on to binge eating, which stuck with me until I had a wake up call.
I started to eat like a "normal" person, lost the weight, and met my first boyfriend in second year university.
I fell deeply in love with him, and the weight just melted off me without me trying.
Then, he left me right in the midst of my increase in family problems. With him gone, and my sick and angry father at home waiting to take his pain out on me,
I became a wreck again, and turned to food for comfort.
Within the month of September alone, I managed to gain about 12 lbs.

I am also a ballroom dancer (international style).
I have to miss out on my competition on October 22 because I feel too disgusting to be seen.
I missed the application deadline.
To top it off, my partner keeps pointing out how fat I'm getting.

I want my confidence back. I want my LIFE back. That's why I'm so happy to be here.
I don't have much to lose, but I have a long way to go until I'm emotionally stable.
I need all the support I can get to lose these first 12 lbs.

Thanks for reading my story. I'll be seeing you all around!

[Toxsiq]

Hey there

I'm also a college student, but I'm not a ballroom dancer. How interesting that must be for you. It's an especially auspicious time right now for ballroom dancing so that's cool.

It doesn't matter much that you don't have a lot of weight to lose. 15 pounds is 15 pounds, you know?

Good luck Medifasting

xoxo Toxsiq

[joysea]

Dear Missy~
Welcome! You mentionned that "wake up call" ...what was it? I can so relate to your hurt and pain that you suffered during that traumatic time you experienced.
I am so in awe of your ability to dance! It is one of those things that I would love to learn, but as with so many other activities, I put that " on hold" 'til I lose the weight.
I know that you will succeed in this FINAL endeavor to take control of your life.
We are all learning techniques to quell (I would really like to say banish!) that binge demon who unfortunately resides in our minds. The caring individuals in our Medifast family are exceptional in putting things in perspective...everyday I visit this site, I get inspiration and hope to move forward.
Don't look back...have faith...we are all here for each other!

Joyce

[dlr2424]

Missy.... ...WELCOME.........it is so good to meet you...... .....you have come to the right place..... ..i can relate to your pain and my thought would be: take one day or one hour at a time..... ......the weight loss will be easy....... ....it is reprogamming the mind that is the challenge.........but YOU CAN DO THAT!!!!!!!!!!........ ....You are a beautiful person with so much to offer...... .......remember God doesn't make anything or anyone less....... .......you can overcome whatever slows you down.................and YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!!!!

Donna...dlr2424

[MissyK]

Thanks for all your replies!

I actually have more to lose than 15 lbs. But I'm not striving to be thin.
After I lose 15 lbs, I still have more to lose until I can say I'm healthy again.
For now, I just want to be curvy. I still need some fat around my hips to do latin dancing.
*Shake shake shake that booty*

Welcome! You mentionned that "wake up call" ...what was it? I can so relate to your hurt and pain that you suffered during that traumatic time you experienced.

I got my wake up call when I couldn't sleep AT ALL one night because I binged to the point where my heart was beating abnormally fast.
I didn't want to be seen during the day anymore because as I binged,
I cried,
and every morning, my eyes would be swollen and red.
I realized I was killing myself one binge at a time.

it is reprogamming the mind that is the challenge

I agree, dlr2424!

Even when I do lose the weight, I don't know how I'm going know how to love myself.
I want to look in the mirror and THINK I'm a beautiful person, but that's just never happened before.
I'm so used to abusing myself, that when I don't abuse, I feel I'm just not being myself.
How will I ever get over this self-loathe?

[Toxsiq]

How will I ever get over this self-loathe?

I mean this absolutely harmlessly and I'm seriously interested- How can you not dig yourself at least a little? Man I feel so cocky when I hear things like that because I'm a blue ribbon county fair heiffer but I still think I'm cuter than all get out. I do get insecure about other peoples opinion when I care about the person, but it's not cuz I don't dig me. See the difference?

My mother loves me but hates fat people in general. She is tiny and has always resented me for not being tiny too. But somehow I got over it. I wish I could understand how or why you feel the way you do.

On one hand I'm no one to talk about confidence, but on the other hand I'm the perfect person to talk about it. I have heard my whole life from friends who truly know ME that I'm a stranger person to know because I can be the most confident person and the worlds most insecure person.

I want to understand all sides of things, you know? So I wish I could understand more what you're thinking and feeling. I think understanding other people helps us understand ourselves and stuff. And so many of the stories here overlap...like you said you're losing for love, and I am...and I admitted that I was having trouble keepin with the program in the afternoons and then I saw all sorts of posts of people sayin the same thing....so if you're going through it then most likely someone here is too...

take care of yourself....

xoxox Toxsiq

[dlr2424]

Toxsiq..... ....I love your approach to things...... ....I never take any of your replies to posts offensive or negative...... rather moreso ..... ..a different way of looking at things... ......you open my sometimes narrow mind and help me to think about things in a different light.......... .........it's refreshing to see different approaches to thoughts and you do it in a loving and caring way...........Thanks
Oh and the "BLUE RIBBON COUNTY FAIR HEIFFER"..... ..couldn't help but laugh at that ....... ......pretty soon you will have to turn your ribbon in....well not the blue ribbon..... .....just the heiffer

Donna....dlr2424

[lauradr]

Toxsiq,Great post!! I feel the same way you put it in the best words you need to find away to like yourself a little. You get 2 blue ribbons from me

[MissyK]

Well, I have great friends who always remind me how much they love me.
I guess I can say I dig myself a LITTLE:
I can dance well.
I did snag the hottest guy on the hockey team as my boyfriend once, without trying.
I am a successful student.

I just hate the way I look. I hate the rolls on my body. But I keep adding to the disgusting layers of fat.
Sometimes I sit at home and just think about what an awful person I am to abuse myself when I have so much to be thankful for.

Thanks for trying to understand me. It's nice to know somebody actually gives.

You guys are awesome.

[LisaNewYorkCity]

Hi Missy,
First of all, WELCOME. It is great that you have taken a step to help yourself. I read your story and you sound like you have a lot going for you. However, I felt bad about how little you seem to like yourself and how serious your problems sound. I'm really bad with words, so please don't take what I am going to say in the wrong light because I am truly concerned....

The statements you made that really concern me:

"I don't have much to lose, but I have a long way to go until I'm emotionally stable.",

and that your boyfriend "left me right in the midst of my increase in family problems. With him gone, and my sick and angry father at home waiting to take his pain out on me.",

"Sometimes I sit at home and just think about what an awful person I am to abuse myself when I have so much to be thankful for"

Those are some serious statements if you meant them literally. Have you spoken to a therapist? Do you have family members that you can help you deal with your father? Many colleges have counselors who can assist you in finding help. Losing weight is great, but it isn't going to make all of your problems go away. You sound like you could really use some support.

You also mentioned that you have had several eating disorders. That is really dangerous, so I just want to make sure that you have addressed them with a physician...especially before you begin another diet.

I'm sorry if I am stepping over the line here. I'm married to a child & adolesant psychiatrist, so I hear heart breaking stories almost every day. I just want to make sure that you are ok. Please keep us posted.
Lisa

[MissyK]

Thank you for your concern, Lisa.

Actually, I've seen several counselors and specialists at the university hospital about half a year ago. I was put on Paxil. I no longer take the antidepressants, because I read that Paxil causes weight gain. I can imagine that that would only increase my emotional problems. But I feel better now than 6 months ago. The only "residue" is my low self esteem and my high weight problem.

No, I haven't consulted a doctor about my weight loss because every time I see her, she makes my situation sound so grave. She wanted to have me hospitalized about 6 months ago, and everytime I see her now she has a list of specialists.

I know this sounds absurd (at least that's what I've been told), but I think I'll manage without the help of specialists. I haven't had depressive/ suicidal thoughts for months now, without the help of any specialists. I find therapy in dancing, that's why I do so much of it.

I hope I don't sound too blunt. I truly do appreciate your concern.

[Lisa Renee]

Hey Missy, welcome. You have a lot to be proud of. You made it here and that was half the battle.


hugs

[LisaNewYorkCity]

Missy,
I don't mean to sound like your mother, but here I go. I don't know if you need antidepressants, but there are many of them that do not cause weight gain. Just the mere fact that you said you had depressive and/or suicidal thoughts in the past makes think you could benefit from outside intervention.

As for your eating disorders, if you truly were anorexic or bulemic, you need to consult a doctor before you start any diet particuliarly before you go on MF. Unfortunately, many of the patients my husband sees that are in your age range suffer from eating disorders. It is a very serious and life threatening condition. I would try to find a doctor that is more compassionate than the one you saw. You should like a very intellegent, well-educated woman from your posts, so I would take what your doctor said very seriously.

I know you are here for support and not for a lecture, and it isn't my place. Please take care of yourself. You have so much going for you now, and you have your whole life in front of you. Please feel free to let me know if you ever need anything.
Lisa

[martha]

MissyK--

WELCOME!!! I am so glad to see you here with us.. I really am concerned about your eating disorders too. I hope you can get those under control.. MF is a great program for anyone needing to lose weight..It really works..This forum is the greatest place to be for support..I love ballroom dancing..Of course I can't dance a bit but I do love to watch it..


Toxsiq--

Very good post..I can truely relate..My mom once told me "your dad thinks all fat people are just lazy and could control it if they wanted too" she also let me know that I was 1 of the only fat people he could love or tolerate boy was this an eye opener to me..being as I was very overweight at the time.. of course as he was dieing and I was taking care of him this seemed to just vanish into thin air..GO FIGURE!! he was truely a loving man to me though and I never would have known he felt that way --and I wonder if he really did or mom just said that.. and I love the BLUE RIBBON THINGY too --have a great week--Martha

[MissyK]

Lisa and Martha,

Thank you for caring. Honestly. My family members don't believe in the whole "eating disorders" concept.
They also don't belive there's such thing as depression.
It's all in the mind, they say.
It's all within my control, they say.
Yeah right. If it were, I wouldn't be here right now.
So it means alot that you understand and believe me.

The thing is, I think losing the weight will "cure" me of my depression.
If I can be confident about my dancing, and feel better about myself so I can socialize again, my emotional problems must minimize...right?
I know this must go against all medical studies, but I firmly believe this because the only thing that's been bothering me is my weight.
Yesterday I realized I can't cross my legs anymore. So I cried.

And when I cry, I tend to abuse myself. So I binged at 2am. I screwed up my first day.

But I'm back on track as of this morning.