The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[ChynnaDoll]

"WAY TO GO" Nickie!!!!

Chynna

[SuzyQ66]

Congrats Niki!!

[holberry]

I know we will be singing hip hip for Nickie this week
best to you!
hol

[nickieluv]

OK, prepare to hurl rotten tomatoes.

I'm up 1.3# today. I had a low-carb day yesterday, but not compliant. I'm hoping some of the gain is water/salt since I had too little of the former and too much of the latter yesterday. I had some mozzarella cheese again, and about double the amount of meat I'm supposed to have in my L&G. I did have the right amount of veggies. And I had an Atkins bar. So yesterday I had 3 or 4 MF meals (can't remember exactly now) and then the extra protein and bar.

I've been better today EXCEPT that I sucked on 2 little Goldfish. But I did not eat a whole box or anything. And I'm so grateful that I came here instead of eating.

I think I need to say to myself 'will eating make this better?' whenever I'm feeling hungry. Because hunger is not usually hunger. Yesterday I think it was tiredness and boredom.

I say I'm tired of cheating - but I guess if I were REALLY tired of it, I'd stop doing it. I will finish up today doing what I'm supposed to do, and try to go to bed early and get more rest. Maybe losing 50# is some kind of invisible wall for my brain. But I've thrown out 90% of my 'fat clothes' so there is NO GOING BACK TO THAT ever.

Time for a supplement and then I have to go to rehearsal. Can't wait to be back home for the night - I didn't get enough sleep last night, either, and I need to try to refuel myself in that way. So I won't be back until tomorrow, probably. Sorry for being a disappointment to myself again. Thanks in advance for hanging in there with me, warts and all.

[nickieluv]

So I had the greatest night with my daughter, and I just found myself wondering why all the fuss about my weight?

I still want to lose more - I am not quitting - I have a lot to lose still. But I mean, in the scheme of things, my daughter will love me. She will not remember what size pants I wore. She will remember if I was loving and kind and provided for her and played with her and was there for her. She doesn't love me less if I ate something I shouldn't have and gained 2 pounds. So why should I love myself less when that happens?

I am learning how to provide for myself. I am making mistakes. But overall I am moving in the right direction.

It seems to be such a fine line for me between rationalization, rebellion, justification, and acceptance. Like I can't really tell which is which a lot of times. I accept what I did. I want it to stop happening. But it doesn't HAPPEN, I DO it. I am in control and I make poor choices. Until I stop doing that, these setbacks will continue.

I actually said last night I was making a 'better bad choice.' I just wanted to eat, no getting around that, but I was trying to make it sound like it was OK. Of course it IS OK, I can do whatever I please. But it wasn't in keeping with my stated goals.

And just because my husband acts more lovingly towards me, that doesn't mean he didn't love me when I was fat. That means that I did not love MYSELF, and so I was unable to accept his love, and he just gave up expressing it - why would you tell someone you love them if every time you did, they said you didn't mean it or you must be crazy to love them?

This is so easy and I'm making it so hard. There is no reason that I can't live my life while following MF. So we don't go out to eat so much. We don't order in very often. We have to cook more. Big deal - normal people live this way all the time. I have to redefine normal now. Normal is not eating half a pizza by yourself - it is finishing a meal and still being comfortable enough to keep your pants fastened! Or to go for a walk afterwards, or play on the floor with the kids. Or to eat whatever you decide to eat and not feel like you are worthless afterwards. Binge eating and stuffing myself is not normal - it seemed normal because that's what I did, but it is self-abusive and very ABnormal in reality.

I want a L&G today but it's pretty late, so I think I'm just going to take some hot cocoa upstairs and read a couple of chapters and go to bed. Not really sure what's going on in my head right now - I just know I want to be compliant and no one is stopping me except me, so I need to toughen up and get out of my own way.

[Mike]

I still want to lose more - I am not quitting - I have a lot to lose still. But I mean, in the scheme of things, my daughter will love me. She will not remember what size pants I wore. She will remember if I was loving and kind and provided for her and played with her and was there for her. She doesn't love me less if I ate something I shouldn't have and gained 2 pounds. So why should I love myself less when that happens?

Good insight Nickie. One way to look at it also is this, what do you want?
Keep in mind what you want, and you will attain your goal. We are proud of you.

[Diana]

Hi, Nickie! Just wandering through with a hug and a high-five. It's June!!

[nickieluv]

Yes, thank heavens it's June! I have 10 more teaching days including today, then 4 'duty-days' and I'm not sure what that means yet because this is my first year in this building. But I won't be teaching classes after the 18th. I am very ready to be home for the summer, even though I do have a summer job already lined up - it's just secretarial, nothing stressful that I have to take home with me.

I ate well last night, and woke up today under ticker. It was nice to see that, even after reading Lizabette's article in Biki's journal about the fickleness of the scale. And my pants fit better today, and I have on a new XL shirt, so overall I feel nice and put together and - calm. That's a good word. I could use more calmness. After an initial loss of temper yesterday morning with one class, for which I apologized (I always think it's good to admit your mistakes in front of kids, so they know you are human, too) I was able to really be at peace - even at home with my daughter. I said last night it was a great night - but it's all in my attitude. I realized that she didn't do anything she doesn't always do - nor did the kids at school - but I was able to handle it calmly and move on. I sent more kids out of the classroom yesterday than I have all year I think, but I believe that I need to do that from the start next year and then it will no longer be necessary. I have to decide upon consequences that I can live with and then enforce them fairly - that should be my summer project.

Anyway, I feel well today - and I'm looking forward to a night with my husband, because neither of us has rehearsal tonight which is a miracle. A family night at home, all three of us - it will be wonderful. In the meantime, I have to get through today - but I hope this new attitude prevails. It is so much nicer to feel this way. In control, calm, peaceful, strong.

I will save the discussion of what I really want for a later time. I need to figure out what that is and not just what I SAY it is, if I want my actions to lead me there purposefully.

[bikipatra]

Have a great day Nicks, and I look forward to your later post. I will have my glass of water ready!

[Tawanda]

Nickie, just sending you a hello.

[nickieluv]

Well, I have an unexpected break in my day (trading it so I won't have a break later when I usually do, but nice just the same) so - what do I really want?

I want to be happy. And I am happy. So I think it's hard for me to keep going farther with the weight loss. Because I know that losing weight will not make me happy like I always thought it would.

There have been great side effects with the weight loss, though, and that's what has really made the difference. I technically COULD be feeling the same way without losing all this weight, but doing something nice for myself opened a lot of doors in my emotional life.

It seems that losing weight to be 'hot' is silly, but that's what I always meant no matter what high-falutin stuff I said. I wanted to lose weight so my husband would be attracted to me - of course he always was, because my body was not the sole factor in his love. Losing the weight has led to some sexual awakenings and they are not always pleasant. I love my husband and love being with him, and yet sometimes I dream about other men. I know dreams are not real and we do not control them, and they usually stand for something else. I don't know what the 'something else' is yet in this case, though. I've had some struggles lately because I need to realize (still) that being thin does not equal bad behavior. I can be attracted to other people without acting on it. Finding someone attractive does not mean lusting after him. I find women beautiful all the time and never have sexual thoughts - so the thoughts MUST mean something else. Maybe I am just going back to my teenage years, when I was thin although I didn't realize it, and now that I FEEL thin I am feeling all those other hormonal things, too, again.

I have always believed that to be successful, weight loss for me has to be about more than how I look. But the visual is a big motivator, and as I said in an earlier post a few days or a week ago, I no longer can imagine what I will look like at goal. I pretty much thought that what I see in the mirror now was as good as I could hope for. I've been thinking about taking some pictures, because I know for a fact that what I see in the mirror is usually not accurate. Maybe on a day when I am feeling really slim - maybe tonight since my husband will be home to help me - I can take some more pictures of me in the kitchen doorway like my 'before' pictures and really try to compare, and see if what I really look like is what I imagine. I've been putting it off because I didn't want to take pictures again until onederland - or at least 60# gone, which will be my halfway point to goal. Maybe I can put it off a few more weeks, until I do hit the 60# club. I'm all about these made-up timetables and rules, you know.

So Mike hit the nail on the head, maybe without meaning to - I've been struggling with whether I even WANT to lose any more weight, really deep down. I've thought of taking a break several times, for a week or a month - but then I think about the weight I will inevitably gain back if I do that and it stops me. I don't want to GAIN weight - do I want to keep losing? Yes, in my head - but deep down? How do I figure out what I really want?

The game plan for now is to be a good little MF'er until I figure it out. I don't think I really believe that this is good enough - but I think I DO believe that it might be the best I can do, the best I can hope for, and to try for more would lead to disappointment. I've already accomplished so much more than I believed I could. Can I really be a thin person? Or is 'less fat' the end of my road? Am I really afraid of gaining it all back when I reach goal, and is that why I want to quit - because gaining back 50# without ever knowing what thin feels like would hurt less than gaining back 100#+ after experiencing a healthy body?

Ah, the best solution for my doubts would be to lose all the weight and experience thin-ness and then work to maintain it, prove to myself that I could do it. I do want that, very much. I didn't realize how afraid I was I guess. I thought I was happy here at this weight, but I was just telling myself that so I wouldn't be disappointed later. There's so much more I can do, I just need to do it. Time to get exercising, somehow schedule it into my day on a regular basis - even only 3 times a week would be more than I'm doing now, would be a start. Take walks, lift weights, play golf, go swimming - I wouldn't have to do the same thing every day, or even follow an exercise 'program,' I'd just have to make sure that every day I moved in some way for a little while. Right? I can do that! I can find ways to build that into my day!

I WILL make the 50# club this roll call. I WILL get to onederland before summer is over. I WILL reach my goal, in time. My goal may change, what I truly want may change, but I will get there, wherever 'there' is.

[Tawanda]

Nickie, one thing that I just noticed is that you are writing about being 'thin', about being thin and attractive.....but you haven't mentioned anything about *healthy*. Losing extra weight does make most people look more attractive to those around us.........but that seems that it should be a bonus not the main focus.

Your body at a normal weight is probably going to be a much healthier body. As you age, with being a normal weight, you may not be bothered by arthritic hips and knees, caused by carrying excessive weight around. Your heart will be healthier, your chances for cancers of the breast and colon should be lessen if you are at a healthy, normal weight and if you are making wiser food choices.

Your daughter (and unborn children & grandchildren) deserve to have their mother/grandmother around for a long time and in good enough health/fitness to be able to play with them or attend all their functions. Imagine being 55 years old and obese for the last xx years, unable to climb up the bleachers, to watch your child (or grandchildren) graduate, play basketball or get an award, because your knees and hips won't allow you to do it comfortably or safely.

Think about all the benefits of having a body at a healthy normal weight, don't just think about being thin and sex appeal. Maybe that will help you in continuing on your journey.....change your focus, weight loss isn't all about thin & sexier.....it is about doing healthy, kind and responsible things to ensure that your health is the best that you can make it.

Just my 2cents......

Babies are crying---hope that helps give you more to consider.......best of luck deciding what you wish to do.

[nickieluv]

I appreciate that thought, Tawanda. And I know I SHOULD be grateful for good health - but I just can't get 'into' that, you know? It doesn't hold a big thrill for me, maybe because I never really got into poor health - no pain, no diabetes, no high blood pressure or high cholesterol - I was in good health, just carrying around too much weight. My husband weighed 40 pounds less than I did, but has 12 years on me, and he WAS experiencing problems. I know it was only a matter of time before problems cropped up in me, and I'm lucky to have avoided them as long as I did.

I've tried to say in other posts that I wanted to be healthy and that's why I was losing weight - but it's not a real core reason. My stated reason for losing weight was to have healthier pregnancies in the future. My vain reason was to wear cute clothes and not be ashamed to leave the house. My emerging reasons are how much better I feel, and how much more I can do.

Being healthy is important, but I need to find the reason that I can grab on to and really strive for. It WAS to look better, but I already look better and so that reason isn't cutting it anymore. I need a really good WHY to be making all this effort. I'm still looking for it.

But as I said, in the meantime, I'm going to stick with MF and what works and try to increase my activity level as much as possible without it becoming a chore. I want to ENJOY any movement/exercise I take on instead of dreading it like I always have in the past.

So - I'm grateful for my good health, but I don't associate that with MF. Reduced future risks, yes, that is all on account of losing the weight. I'll keep looking for the reason to continue. Maybe it's something as simple as doing it just to prove that I CAN.

Oh, a little NSV the other day. My dad called and asked how I was doing, and when I told him I'd lost 50 pounds (I've been rounding for a while, remember) he said "that's really great, babe." Old as I am it's still nice to make Daddy proud.

[Tawanda]

I appreciate that thought, Tawanda. And I know I SHOULD be grateful for good health - but I just can't get 'into' that, you know? It doesn't hold a big thrill for me, maybe because I never really got into poor health - no pain, no diabetes, no high blood pressure or high cholesterol - I was in good health, just carrying around too much weight.

Guess this really underlines the differences in our ages.

Best wishes to you in your journey and finding whatever you are seeking.

[nickieluv]

Guess this really underlines the differences in our ages.

Best wishes to you in your journey and finding whatever you are seeking.

I've tried to want to be healthy. And really, I do. It's just that I've never lost my health, just my stamina, so it's hard to push for a goal of being healthy when I didn't really feel unhealthy to begin with.

I wasn't sure if your comment meant that maybe you felt I wasn't taking you seriously - but I really was. I appreciated what you wrote. And I don't want to be an overweight mom or grandma, that was a good visual for me. I want to be vital and alive every year of my life, for however many God chooses to give me.

And thank you for getting me thinking again, because just now I came across that word 'stamina' and for me, that's an even better word than 'health.' I want to have the energy to do whatever I please and not feel bound to the couch or my bed. I need the stamina to keep up with a toddler running around all summer. A belly full of pizza will not let me rise to the occasion! And even though I've come a long way, I definitely still get tired quickly and do not have the life that I want in terms of 'playing' with my family.

Aha!!!! I have a goal! I have a reason!! I want STAMINA. I keep using that word. I'd better go make sure that it means what I think it means.