The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[SuzyQ66]

Hi Nickie:

I know it can be difficult to stay compliant when those munchie gremlins come. I know for me that if I do not stay totally compliant it will then be easier for me to cheat everytime those gremlins appear. I think we all need to make the decision as to what we want more - the food that will satisfy us only temporarily or the weight loss. For me right now it is the weight loss. Please do not think that I am preaching to you because I am not. As a matter of fact I am not on program right now because of being sick. I am hoping to be back on program next week.

Maybe we should all challenge each other next week - starting on Tuesday and ending on Sunday. Then if everybody is up to it we can do the same the following week. Maybe if we challenge each other and hold each other accountable we all can be successful together...What do you think?

[MerryMary]

Goody for you that you are so disciplined. However many people have proven again and again that they cannot be satisfied with "bite-sized tidbits" like the person whose journal you are writing in.

Discipline is a learned behavior ... and although it may be difficult it is possible. The way I see it, saying "I can't" is a perscription for failure. At some point--now or in maintenance--we all need to acquire a healthy relationship with food. If we don't we will gorge on cookies or whatever temptation faces us. Of course this is just MHO based upon what works for me (and what I've learned from the book Nancy has recommended)!

At the same time there are known trigger foods for certain individuals. Even though discipline must be learned, in order to stay compliant, trigger foods should be avoided not test-tried again and again. Compliance is the goal during this phase. That is a form of discipline. Then this discipline can carry on during maintenance. MHO.

Whatever works ... and, as I said, I was just relaying what I've tried and works for me. I never implied that this was a solution for everyone or anyone in particular. There are no absolutes (except God, of course )! However, if someone has difficulty with total self-denial it seems this could be a better option than materially increasing carbs/calories--regardless of what phase you are in. But that's just MHO.

[nickieluv]

Hey all - me again.

Interesting stuff going on here while I was gone! I do think I need to learn self-control. But saying I wasn't compliant, I didn't mean I was cheating. I just wanted to be honest, because in the past I've used the term 'reasonably compliant' and even though I am OK with that term, others are not, so I wanted to be perfectly clear that I was not being strictly compliant. Although my motives were pure. In this case (it's not always been this way for me) the extra bar and the soy crisps were not due to cravings, but due to wanting something convenient to eat, not wanting to cook, wanting to get rid of the soy crisps because I hardly ever snack anymore and they've just been sitting in my cupboard, and just general laziness. But my MOTIVATION for not being compliant was not about wanting to go off plan in any way - and I don't feel guilt about what I did, because I know in my heart I wasn't eating in an unhealthy way in terms of cravings and emotions. Although, now that I think about it, eating something just to get it out of the cupboard isn't a very good idea.

Anyway, the soy crisps are gone now and I won't be ordering any more, and I'm still only ordering enough bars every month to have one a day so if I have two sometimes, there is a day in the month I have to go completely without a bar. For me, it's a better choice than others I've made, and I know it's been drilled into me before that it's not really compliance that way, but my personal journey is still moving well enough to make me proud and happy.

I did have a L&G yesterday, and today as well, so that's 2 days of by-the-books compliance (not just nickie-pliance). I feel good, and not only firmly ensconced in the teens, but in the program as well. I've definitely had a lot of growing pains here, but I really do believe that it's all leading me to a better place, a healthier place. It was so easy to get back on program this time (after that first few minutes of craving the goldfish on Monday, there have been no such problems) and I actually do not say that and then follow it up in my mind with 'cheat all the time, no problem.' I am back in the place where I want to be on-program more than anything else. Maybe it's summer and the more revealing clothes you have to wear in order not sweat to death - I see that I have a long way to go. And I don't want to keep stretching it out longer and longer.

Well, I still have many posts to read so I'm off for now. Thanks all for your concern for me - I do appreciate it - but I'm feeling very mature about all this right now. It's not so much that I think I can resist everything - it's more like I'm not fighting myself anymore, because what I really WANT is what is the right thing to do anyway. It's nice. Hope it lasts.

[MerryMary]

Nickie, it sounds to me like you have a very mature attitude about your goals and how you intend to get there. It has to be your choice to be "reasonably compliant," "Nickie-pliant", or "by-the-books compliant" and your chosing what's best for Nickie will empower you!

[bikipatra]

Nickie, it sounds to me like you have a very mature attitude about your goals and how you intend to get there. It has to be your choice to be "reasonably compliant," "Nickie-pliant", or "by-the-books compliant" and your chosing what's best for Nickie will empower you!

I agree. Whatever keeps you on MF and on the boards is what we all want for you.

[nickieluv]

Well, I lost 7 of my 7.1 cheat pounds this week. And I'm definitely going to have to start that weight work I was talking about before - I have insanely flappy arms. I know some of it is skin and fat but toning up the muscle underneath all that can't hurt.

My home business is getting rolling some again - still going slow but I'm happy with the pace so far. So that's a nice thing to have going on - yesterday I was doing a show for it and that's always enjoyable. Just one more thing to feel good about, I guess.

There are tons of Memorial Day festivities in our town - it's a REALLY big deal around here - so yesterday my daughter and I watched the parade and walked around the little sale booths and things - we had a nice walk together, since the park is only two blocks from our house. She has so much energy, I still can't believe it. Today we're going on a train ride that they do as part of the weekend - her first one (and mine, actually) but she loves to watch the train go by our house so I think she'll like it. Then after that we have a party at the in-laws - I think we might finally be home around dinner time. I'll get all my meals in, separated, not like yesterday - I basically ate three times yesterday, 2 meals each time, because of my forgetfulness. But the food I ate was all compliant.

Well, I have a little work to do before church, so I have to go. Back soon - tomorrow I don't think there is anything planned so I may or may not come online - I might just enjoy the peace and quiet!

[bikipatra]

Always good to hear from you Nickie!!!

[holberry]

hey Nicki
your town and the activities sound so American and folksy. Wish I was there. My dd was going to spend some time in Troy NY this summer. Are you near that town?
have fun on the train.
hb

[Mike]

Nickie,
Great job getting off those pesky negative lbs. Sounds like you have a plan and are following it. Keep up the great work. Enjoy Memorial Day tomorrow.

[nickieluv]

Ugh. I chose to have Goldfish (damn things - they are heretofore going on a very high shelf and if the baby wants some, she'll have to wait till Daddy is home!) and an Atkins bar. I don't know why but I was craving SOMETHING without really knowing what it was - I think I was feeling left out of something, maybe. You know, with the fair-type atmosphere so close to our home, and being in the middle of it for the last two days, there is so much food there and while I didn't think I wanted any, I guess maybe I did and so the little fishes swam into my mouth. I'm kidding - I put them there, I accept full responsibility. I had ample opportunity to talk myself out of it but I didn't. And I think having my timing of meals off yesterday made me extra hungry today.

So I have a confession - while I was eating the evil fish, I was telling myself that once a week on Sunday I could have a 'cheat meal' and that probably wouldn't slow my weight loss too awful much. Something is up. I've been tired, cranky - hungry - lonely, bored, and generally feeling enormous all weekend. It's like I feel I'm never going to reach my goal, or even onederland (and of course I'm not going to get there if I keep munching on off-plan foods), even if I stick to program 100%. There's so much talk of stalls lately - for a few days, a week, a couple of weeks - I'm living in fear of that happening to me and it's like, if I eat something I shouldn't, then I won't have to worry about stalling because at least I'll gain, and then have some water weight to lose afterwards, so even though my net progress will be zilch it will SEEM like something is happening.

At my show yesterday, there was a little bitty baby, only 3 months old. I was able to hold her for a really long time, and it sparked the baby fever badly. I'm so impatient to be pregnant again, and I say I want to wait till goal - then it was wait till Christmas, which might coincide with reaching goal - now I'm thinking of only waiting until October to start trying, but keep MF'ing until I know for sure I'm pregnant, then go off right away but eat things like yogurt and fruit etc. My diet when I was pregnant was very healthy - I was kind of obsessive about what I would and would not eat, all for the baby's sake - so I'm hopeful that I wouldn't gain too much weight. But then, if I start in October, or September, I'll be barely under 200 pounds (or barely under 220 if I keep going at this rate) and that's not the best scenario for a pregnancy.

So I know it's dumb. If I want a baby, and I want to make goal or within 10 pounds of goal before trying, it makes no sense to keep screwing with the plan and eating crackers. And I've even considered that I'm AFRAID of having another baby, afraid of how it will change my life, afraid that maybe I can't possibly love another baby as much as I love my daughter and that the new child would feel unloved by comparison, so it's better not to have another baby, and if I reached goal I'd HAVE to get pregnant right away so I must never reach goal.

This whole baby issue is huge. And I know for a fact that were I not on MF, we would be trying in earnest to conceive. So am I trying to prolong my diet on purpose? Could it all be related to a baby? Or am I just that weak-willed (I don't believe that for a minute anymore actually), am I just that emotionally damaged (that one has more credibility) that I can't give up food for any significant length of time? And if that last one is true, why bother in the first place, because with an attitude like that I'm going to gain it all back right after stopping MF.

The bottom line is that I, I assume like all of us here, want to wake up tomorrow morning and be at goal - and have no extra skin, have no emotional issues, look fabulous and feel amazing and never look back. That's not going to happen. In the grand scheme of things, the 30 weeks left until Christmas is not that long. But it seems like forever right at this moment. And the good weather, the tank tops and shorts it brings, I just feel like a whale every morning again when I get dressed. Gone are all my good thinny feelings. I suppose they will come back - they have before - but it feels hopeless at the moment and I'm sick of trying.

Oh, I know this will pass. I had my bad handfuls of food and I'm back on plan for the rest of the day - I'm not even going to make a night of it like I usually do. I know what is best for me, and I know what I want, deep down, even when I doubt it. I just feel tired. Deeply, bone tired. I want to lay down and sleep until September. I've taken on too much and I can't get out of any of it at this point - I want my SAHM lifestyle back, my time with my baby, my unscheduled days where, even though I had all the same responsibilities that I know have outside of work, they were still fun and interesting, mostly because of the very fact that I was not also working full-time out of the home all day. And I'm afraid that deep down I'm just a miserable lazy person, and I only want another baby to get another year off of work without getting fired. There, I said it. I know it's not true, I was born to be a Mom, I'm a great Mom, I have so much love to give and I want a large family - but do I want it for the wrong reasons?

I used my baby as a reason to take time for myself, to say no when I would have said yes, to slow down and not do so much. Now, being back at work again, I keep signing on for more and more things. Some of it is for money - we are trying hard to pay down debt so I take any and every side job I can to make an extra few dollars. I know I resent my husband because he does no such thing, and yet complains all the time about being tired, having to do all the housework, I don't help at all - meanwhile he works one job, 8 hours a day, and I'm a teacher, I have a church job directing two choirs and playing the organ every Thursday and Sunday, I teach piano lessons two nights a week, I own my own business and am trying to get that off the ground, AND we work opposite shifts so I'm doing all this alone while juggling the baby in one arm. On top of that, when school gets out, I've volunteered to be the church secretary because it will bring in an extra $400 a month that we could really use. And yet he's upset when I don't put a dish in the dishwasher or do some laundry. I wish I could make him see that it may not be fair, but it's not fair that I'm the only one trying to make extra money, either. I get so angry when he complains because I feel like he has no clue how hard I'm working every day, including weekends (when he also complains because I ask him to do an extra project or I have to leave for a show and he has no time to do 'his stuff').

I think it's time for us to sit down together again and talk. I am burning out, and it's only four weeks until school is over, but then it's all going to start over again in September. I keep trying to line things up so our income doesn't take a big hit when I go on maternity leave again - but in the meantime, it's just too much. I don't know what to do because we need every penny - even with all I do, it's not enough most months. We're still behind on our truck and mortgage, and my student loans. We're not going to lose anything, but we're juggling madly. And I'm the only one with any marketable skills, so it HAS to be me that does the extra work. I don't know.

Wow. I didn't know all this would come out. I feel like crying. Suddenly eating some Goldfish seems like less of a mystery - I've been holding all this in, and it's been getting worse and worse all month, and now here it all is. And I'm supposed to get the baby up and go to a picnic now, and pretend everything is great, when I just want to fall into bed and bawl.

Sorry to depress everybody. I should put a warning at the top - do not read unless in a very chipper mood - and even then, get away before I ruin it for you. I have to get going. My husband just called (man am I angrier with him than I ever imagined) so I HAVE to go to this dumb family thing and oh, I'm going to be such wonderful company. Maybe it will pull me out of this spiral, you never know.

[bikipatra]

Don't worry Nickie, you didn't depress me. I'm glad you were able to get all that out.

[Mavesse]

Hi Nickie,

Please don't apologize for posts in your own journal...If we weren't allowed to be real, I wouldn't have lasted here as long as I have. The truth is, life can be tough. And for me, losing weight is the hardest thing I have ever done, so it would be pointless to pretend this is just a stroll in the park if in fact it is not.

When you talk about your feelings around having another baby, you reminded me of some major things I have been putting off due to my weight.

First, there's the fact that my biological father, who broke off his engagement to my mom when she found out she was pregnant, has been wanting to meet me. My feelings about him are so tangled up, and overriding it all is the fact that he is quite handsome and vain, and expects me to be a replica of my mom at age 20, all 115 pounds of her. Well it's true; I am a replica of my mom, but she began gaining weight in her 30s, as did I. I have steadfastly refused to meet him, but whether it's because he's shallow and has caused me and my mom a lot of pain, or because I am overweight, I cannot say.

Second, there's the fact that I've dropped out of dating altogether. This is after a furious, 15-year-long string of one heavy, obsessive romantic entanglement after another. When the last one ended, I made a firm decision to give myself a year off...and I was never happier. And then I started to gain weight, and I didn't have to even turn down offers anymore. Did I stay heavy because I want to stay single? I don't know the reason to that either

Anyway, enough about me. I just wanted to share that those thoughts cross my mind, too. As though there had to have been a method behind the madness...

It makes me sad to hear how hard you have to work. Teaching is more than a full-time job, and extra jobs on top of that plus a baby? The mental energy required to juggle all those balls would do me in, never mind the physical stamina it must take to keep up! I'm single with one cat, and I never feel there are enough hours in the day to keep us clean and fed.

Is there any chance you could pare down your lifestyle so that you can have more time for doing what you plainly love most: being a mom? I hope that doesn't sound patronizing. I just mean, go after what you want most. You know?

Take care, Nickie.

And well done getting right back on track mid-day!

Mavesse

[nickieluv]

It was good to get all that out, Biki, you're right. And I talked with my husband and it wasn't bad like I thought it would be. He basically said that he understands how I feel, and he feels worthless that he can't be the provider and I have to do all this extra work, and he only complains when I don't do housework because that's the only thing he has to hold over my head. OK, so that last part wasn't real nice but I'll let it go.

I did get back on plan, and I've been on plan all day today, two supps to go. After all the busy-ness of the weekend, today we went golfing in the morning, put the pool up mid-day, and then went to another family picnic in the afternoon. I'm finally home for a bit and then I have to go to rehearsal tonight for that musical. I will sleep well tonight, and probably all week, that's certain.

Mavesse - I do want to pare down, but the problem is that I need these other paying jobs lined up so that when I'm on maternity leave again, we don't really get behind like we did last time. I imagine my life is going to be like this for about 5 or 6 of the next 10 years, and then after that I can back off and not do so much. And who knows, if all goes well it might be sooner than that - if we can pay off a great many of our bills in the next year, then when I'm working full-time we can save almost all of my salary, and use that to live on in the years I'm not working instead of having to do all this extra stuff. It's a phase I have to live through right now. But the end is in sight, I know - church choir ends this week (although I still have to play organ every Sunday and prepare special music, I won't have rehearsals during the week any more), the 2nd grade performance is over in 3 weeks, school is out in 4 weeks, this blasted musical will be over in 9 weeks - and then I'll have about 4 weeks of summer with no committments but church (of course I'll need to be working those four weeks on getting next year planned out and ready for both church and school, but at least that will be on my OWN schedule and not everyone else's).

I can handle all this. I just was having a pity party for myself I guess. It's necessary and it won't always be this way, and it's for the best in the long run. I just don't have to like it, you know?

Well, since yesterday's weigh-in I've already lost 4/10 of a pound - I know, big deal - but it put me at 215.9 and that just feels really close to the precipice of leaving the 200s by the end of June - still my short-term goal. I can do it, I can resist, I'm going to be so busy that who has time to eat, anyway? Except of course what I'm supposed to eat, naturally.

Anyway, got some (a LOT) of fresh air between last post and this one, some sleep, had a good conversation with the hubby, and I will survive. I'm off for now - already dreaming of that comfy bed tonight - I deserve a rest!

[katieb920]

I can handle all this. I just was having a pity party for myself I guess. It's necessary and it won't always be this way, and it's for the best in the long run. I just don't have to like it, you know?

Nickie you can handle this. I absolutely do not think you were having a pity party for youself. You sound like one busy lady. And I applaud you for everything thing that you do for your family and your community. I wish I had as much energy as you. So you slip every once in awhile. Girl you are at 215# 48# <img src="http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_1_55.gif" alt="SmileyCentral.com" border="0"><img border="0" src="http://plugin.smileycentral.com/http%253A%252F%252Fimgfarm%252Ecom%252Fimages%252Fnocache%252Ftr%252Ffw%252Fsmiley%252Fsocial%252Egif%253Fi%253D36%252F36_1_55/image.gif"> You are an inspiration to me.

[MerryMary]

I agree wholeheartedly with what Katie said. You are an amazing woman, Nickie! You manage to be a juggle motherhood, career and side jobs all at the same time--not to mention losing almost 50#!! WTG!!