The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[nickieluv]

Yesterday I was reasonably compliant. (I did not have an L&G, and I had one MF bar and then later an Atkins bar as a supplement. It tasted like a Snickers bar - not something to do every day but my new mantra is 'lighten up'). It was hard to eat - and I went almost 6 hours between my last two meals, and had to have 2 supps together to get them all in. We were busy busy busy. But - the house is all rearranged and I LOVE it - it always feels like a new house when we do that. And we actually dusted so things are cleaner than usual, and the windows were open all day yesterday and again today, and there's sunshine and warm weather - woohoo!

So today the plan is to rake the yard and clean out the garage - or at least try to get an idea of what's in there. It's a mess every spring, because all winter long if we don't know what to do with something we put it in the garage. Once upon a time it was all cleaned out and set up as a nice home gym - but I shudder to go in there now. So that's a good project for a day. So I have to go change out of my church clothes and get ready to do some work. Time to take pride in my home as well as myself and clean up this place!

[nickieluv]

Well, I just had a fruit punch even though I thought I wanted another bar. I think the main thing with the bars is I don't have to think about it - just open it and eat it. The RTDs, too. But I'm running out of RTDs even though I bought 2 cases last time - so I have to start using other things at home and save the RTDs for work days.

Anyway, I did not have a second bar because that would be 3 of the last 4 days doing that - and I don't want it to become a problem. It's tough to think about soup with this weather, so I need to get thinking about what I want to order for next month. I still need SOME variety but I'm really being boring with my food - basically bars, RTDs, cocoa, and beef stew. Oh, and the oatmeal. Other things I've ordered are just sitting in the cupboard - I have to eat them eventually and I'm always afraid I'll get sick of my favorites. Still refining that, I guess.

I suppose that's it. Just checking in again after a long, beautiful, tiring weekend. See you on Monday, all.

[nickieluv]

Today is a parent conference day so I'm hanging out here at the moment. I really have to get going on some writing, though, so I'm just going to post here and try really hard not to come back till later tonight.

I've gotten into a kind of conversation with Lauren about my choice to subtly alter the plan. It's really subtle - basically if I want another bar, I'll have one. And if I want something off-plan that's right in my face, I'll have a bite. ONE.

If I'd done this right away, I think it would have been a disaster. But I've learned better how to tell when I really want something and when I can live without it. I don't always listen to myself, but I can read the signals better. So far I've not wanted anything off-plan so much that I had to have that bite. I have been eating 2 bars more than I should. But the deal with that is when they're gone, they're gone. If I have no more bars and it's 2 weeks till my order arrives, then I'll have to live with the consequences of my decision to have extra bars some days. But I feel like that will taper off on it's own, as I realize that I can have the second bar and I'm not going to be mad at myself for it - or feel guilty - or say 'screw it, I had another bar, I'm a loser, might as well eat _______ now too.'

I feel my strength coming back. I've been outside playing with the baby or working around the house every day since Thursday. She learned how to climb the ladder to the slide yesterday. I wonder if baby muscles get sore the next day, too? She was really working hard at playing. Anyway, it was terrific. I have awesome memories now that I didn't have before - and that I never would have had if I hadn't lost this weight. I was able to hold her and swing together with her - with her legs around my body. Last year if we'd tried that, I would have squished her legs into the chain of the swing. And it will only get better!!

I want to keep getting outside with her absolutely every day that the weather allows. I want to start playing with her more indoors, too - and cut out the TV. Since she discovered Dora the Explorer at my sister's house she asks to watch it all the time - I'm thinking she should only get to watch 2 episodes a day, and not consecutively. An hour of TV is more than enough I think. I will say that we watch it with her most of the time, but I am guilty of using TV as a babysitter while I get something done sometimes, too. So I need to stop that.

I have a long way to go with the weight loss but I have to remember the positives of this. It's not just looking better and wearing smaller sizes. Those NSVs need to be my focus. And I bet if I tried, I could find one NSV every day. So I'm going to try to do that. Every day in a post, whether in my journal or not, I will tell at least one NSV that I am grateful for - something that could not have happened at my heaviest weight. I had a lot over the weekend but I need to come up with one for today. I'll be on the lookout....

[Pashta]

Great plan, Nickie! Those NSV's are what we are really doing this for, right? Who really cares what a number on a scale says, it's the fact that we can do more things, not get out of breath, fit into a certain size, etc...

[bikipatra]

Great plan, Nickie! Those NSV's are what we are really doing this for, right? Who really cares what a number on a scale says, it's the fact that we can do more things, not get out of breath, fit into a certain size, etc...

I love all those other things too but I love that number on the scale. I love it when I get into another club. Maybe it's just me.

[SuzyQ66]

Biki - I am with you...I love it when the numbers on the scale go down...I truly need that...if they were not moving in that direct...at a consistent speed (whatever that is) - it would be way too hard to stay compliant. What would be the point? Remember, we are also paying good money for these supplements - I need this to work for me.

[nickieluv]

I love the numbers, too, Biki - but when they don't go my way I need something to fall back on. Like today, I was up 2/10. That was my pattern for two weeks after my last cheat - even though it was only 2 meals off-plan back then, I only lost a pound each of the 2 weeks afterwards. I'd be up a little, down a little, stay the same - and shortly after that I cheated again. So I need something else to hang my hat on.

I DID NOT CHEAT TODAY. It was very touch and go but I'm going to be fine now. I guess day 5 is another tough day, not just day 2. I had food fantasies, I was hungry (still am but now I know I can have a supp and go to bed and not cheat), I'm missing my husband after another fabulous weekend together, I was bored at work most of the day, the baby was cranky - and then the negative thoughts started pouring in on top of everything else. (The following are those thoughts, not things I am saying now for real). I'll never lose the weight, why bother? I'll just keep losing the same ten pounds over and over again. I'll get just so far and then I'll cheat. Who am I kidding? I can't do this. I might as well order pizza. Why wait to get pregnant? I'll be waiting forever. Maybe I can just get under 200 and then try. I've lost 30 pounds, that's good, maybe I'll just take a month off (yes, I said MONTH) and try again later. Maybe I should go low carb for a week as a break. I really want to feel food in my mouth - I'm just going to order something and I won't post about it, because I'm sick of being such a loser - so I'll be a liar instead.

It went on and on and on. And then suddenly, it just stopped. And I knew I'd be OK. The thing that stopped it was me thinking that this is only day 5 of being compliant, and so of course I'm going to have a hard time. It takes me more than 3 days to get rolling again on plan. Every time it's been more like a week or even 10 days before I don't feel hungry anymore. And then I started to identify the emotions that I'd been feeling. And the frozen dinner that I had as my L&G was even more off than I thought - there wasn't enough protein and it was so salty, and I think that made me feel hungry even though I'd just eaten. Plus I went over 4 hours between my 3rd supplement and my L&G, so I was already setting myself up to be ravenous.

I had a second bar again, at 6. I'm sure I'll be out of them for a couple of days before my next order arrives. I don't want to stop getting them, though. I still think if I need a second bar as a crutch, I'd rather have that than cheat. And I'm not feeling really strong yet - I was getting my strength back today I thought, and then got sideswiped by the hunger tonight. Those are probably related - I shoot myself down when I start to feel strong, or at least I have in the past, even on MF recently.

I cannot even tell you how relieved I am that I know I'm not going to cheat. Every time I work through things without eating it puts me closer to my goals.

I'm still sad, though. I have to learn how to deal with that without food. Tonight we're having a thunderstorm so after I have my hot cocoa I'm going to go lay in bed and listen to the rain until I fall asleep. I have to remember that I will not feel sad and lonely forever. I have a husband who's going to come home to me. And I have a precious little girl who needs me to be my best. I am very lucky to have a home, and a job, and family, and I'm starting to have friends as I learn how to form relationships like that. We may want things but we don't lack anything we need.

All those blessings don't mean that I don't have a right to be sad. I know that. But I simply must remember all the good things in my life. I count the people here among those good things. If I make it to goal it will be my own hard work, yes - but without the support here it wouldn't be possible for me. As much as I've tried to be an independent loner I just can't do it.

If I didn't say it already, thank you to everyone who saw me through this last week - even if you were just reading my struggles and didn't know what to say, thank you for doing that much. I am still struggling, and I feel like I want to apologize for being weak and whiny - but thank you for accepting me anyway. You all are my NSV today - that by being willing to lose the weight, I was able to find a group of people who are real and honest and want to help, even as they are going through their own ordeals.

Sappy stuff over - I'm going to go print some new Quickstart pages, drink my cocoa, and go nighty-night.

[Tawanda]

Nickie, how are you doing? Did today go well? Thinking of you!

[DonicaB]

Nickie~ You certainly don't have to apologize for feeling weak and whiny. Notice I said "feeling". If you cannot come here and share your thoughts and feelings about your weight loss journey.......where can you go?

You have been having a rough time lately, but you haven't given up. I know you won't give up, Nickie. I can sense it in your posts. You will get through this, just take it one step at a time.

Donica

[nickieluv]

Thanks Tawanda and Donica for worrying about me.

My day was fine - on plan, and my daughter kept shoving graham crackers in my face and they smelled really good, but I had ZERO desire to go eat the package. So it was day 6 - maybe I'm back in the zone!!

After my high sodium/high fat/not enough protein dinner adventure last night, I played it boring and safe tonight with real eggs and broccoli. I did print out the new QSG and got some more ideas for veggies and meats, so we're going to go grocery shopping sometime this week and I can pick up some other things. I'm thinking 5oz of steak with white mushrooms fried up in ICBINB spray.... Pork chops - I didn't think we could have those.... Cucumbers and radishes on a salad.... Now that I've printed it out, I think it's going to be really helpful. It's more detailed and has a longer transition plan, too.

Also - I have a solution to the bar dilemma. In fact, I did not even have ONE bar today. I always have my bar at 11am for my first meal at work. So the obvious solution? Don't take a bar to work, you moron! If I don't bring it, I can't eat it. Problem solved! Then if I'm feeling really crave-y (not a word, I know) at night, I can still have a bar but I'm not having two. Tonight I thought about having my bar even though I wasn't really hungry, because I hadn't had one yet - but I had hot cocoa instead and it was just fine. In future orders, if it gets to be that I'm not having bars on quite a few days, I think I'll just order 3 boxes of them instead of 4. What a victory for me today!!!! Simple solution to a seemingly daunting problem. A real 'well, DUH' moment.

I felt good today. I was wearing clothes I thought were flattering, I was busy all day long (in fact I didn't get online until 8pm tonight), piano lessons went well, I love my house now that it's all rearranged and CLEAN - and the sun was shining and we already know how that makes me feel. Oh, and despite the frozen dinner issue last night I still lost weight this morning - I'm only 1/10 away from last week's ticker and it's only Tuesday! I feel the 40# club on the horizon....

I am still playing it safe and going to bed early. It's good for me, anyway, even if I didn't need to be kept away from the kitchen late at night right now. I felt rested this morning instead of groaning at the alarm. Tomorrow will be another wonderful day for me, I can tell already. I'm back. I'm in the zone. And I think I've really figured out how to talk to myself and treat myself to make it less likely that I'll feel compelled to cheat.

It was so awful to feel out of control and helpless last night. But I made it through. I didn't stray. I AM in control always, because I am in charge of the choices I make. I don't have to feel 'done to' or backed into a corner. I don't have to listen when I am belittling myself.

Oh - and that book came in from the library so I'm going to read some tonight, too. I hope it's good - it came highly recommended though, so I'm sure it is!

I'm sounding a little all over the place in this post, aren't I? Sometimes that's a sign that I'm going over the edge somehow. Sometimes when I sound this way I cheat the very next day. But I feel so good to have come through the darkness here - that's what it feels like. I'm out of the haunted woods and into the poppy fields. Hmmm - maybe that's not a good analogy since Dorothy was drugged in the poppy fields....

Anyway, I will be on the lookout for possible cheat triggers tomorrow, since it has happened in the past that when I'm feeling really good, I stumble. Oh, and my NSV for today - hmmmm - OK - the pants I put on this morning showed a bit of a belly roll at the top of my thighs when I first bought them. Today they came right out of the dryer and laid much more smoothly on my body. I had to think for that one, but I did notice that this morning - it's just been a long day so I didn't remember right away.

OK - I'm taking my book upstairs and giving my husband a quick call before his lunch break is over - if I'm not already too late, the clock is chiming 9 right now! See you tomorrow!

[Lizabette]

NICKI,
And have a wonderful day tomorrow!

[bikipatra]

Nickie, you're a genius! See how you were able to work out the bar dilemma!

[nickieluv]

Ah, perhaps a genius would have thought of it in the first place - it was actually an accident. I packed an extra RTD yesterday that I didn't need and when I realized it, I thought "how about I don't eat my bar at work today and save it for later?" Sometimes I'm really hungry at 11 so it's better if I don't pack it at all (the bar). At work I'm busy and there are no temptations so even if a RTD doesn't completely fill me up, I have my water and time will pass.

Today I had no clean pants that fit so I had to wear a pair of 22Ws to work. They don't look awful when I'm sitting down, but when I stand there's a bunch of extra material in the front and I know that's not attractive. I should have worn a longer sweater but again, I don't think of these things until it's too late. At least I hadn't thrown them out yet, or who knows what I would have worn - but they are leaving me after today, that's for sure, and my husband is washing the rest of my pants as we speak I hope.

Well, I'm going to try to be productive again today and not be online too much. I weighed 223.9 this morning. And I'm having an odd mental thing. I was hoping to be around 224, but I kept saying in my head 244. I think my mind needs to catch up to where I am now. I'm eagerly anticipating the teen numbers, though. I still feel strong and good and I'm hopeful that with compliance and a little luck I can still be under 200 before school gets out. Or at least by mid-July. I no longer have a voice in my head telling me that after I get there I can have a celebratory meal, either. Now the voice is telling me that after I get under 200, I can change my ticker to my real goal weight and start the second leg of the journey. Progress abounds today.

[bikipatra]

You'll be a teenager soon, Nickie. Just keep on shakin'!

[Tawanda]

Nickie, I thought of something last night when reading your post about not taking a bar to work.

You have the most trouble staying compliant in the evenings. How about you make your evening supplement your bar? I am amazed at how satisfied I am when I have a bar, cut into small pieces so I don't wolf it down in a couple bites, and a cup of something 'hot' (tea, coffee). Maybe having the bar late in the day will help you feel satisfied, and like you've had a 'treat' instead of you going off program with other food? I know it isn't suggested to have a bar late in the day (at least I think I've read that) but, it is still better than not being compliant by chosing non-program foods...... Just an idea and thought for you to consider, if you haven't already. (If the caffeine bothers you in the late afternoon/evening then chose something hot that is de-caf).

Best wishes that you'll have a completely on program/compliant day!!!! You are going to do this and make it to goal.