10 days down. Now I only have to do THAT 8 more times. And then in five more days I'll only have to do THAT 5 more times. Baby steps. I like having that ticker down there, though. It reminds me of my strength everytime I read something and I happen to have posted on that thread.
I finally lost a bit today. Yesterday I weighed in up again 2/10 before my shower - and after my shower I had lost 8/10. That was odd because usually I gain a tenth in the shower (I always assume it's the water in my hair, or my body soaking up extra moisture through my pores
). But anyway, today I was down under ticker finally. It feels like Saturday though, because I have today off from work. And it still hasn't sunk in that I'm on vacation next week. And beyond that, there are only I think 10 weeks of school left before summer. This year has gone by quickly.
I was thinking about my last attempt to MF in a different light this morning. Along the lines of letting yourself be happy before you can make any lasting changes. When I first began MF last summer, I was in a job I really hated. I was on maternity leave but scrambling for pennies, and so had to get a part-time job. It was something I'd always wanted to do - work in a vet's office - but the reality was largely unpleasant. It was not my fantasy of snuggling kittens all day every day! I think trying to lose weight at that time was a bad move, and my body let me know it by rebelling and cheating almost every day in one way or another. I was stressed almost all the time, feeling pulled in all directions, and constantly in fear of losing my job (not that I was bad at it - the bosses are temperamental and it's rare for anyone to last longer than a few months before they're fired for one little mistake or another - or that the person leaves because they're tired of being treated like crap).
When I restarted this fall, I was in a much better place. I was sick of seeing my fat self in all those Christmas pictures, yes, looking no better than the year before when I had yet again vowed to lose weight. But I had had several months to adjust to my new job, and I really enjoy it. My daughter was happy and all the kinks in the babysitting schedule had been worked out. My husband and I had just finished a week of vacation at home together and were getting along grandly. And the finances were finally starting to be in a position where I felt I could spend this much on food (although I've since discovered we are SAVING probably hundreds of dollars a month now - paying bills is SO much easier it's amazing).
So in short, I realized this morning that my failure last time was not a result of a lack of character, but that the timing was not right. There is no perfect time to start a diet - but the time I chose this go round was pretty darn close. And with less stress on all fronts, I can commit the time to thinking and enacting change (even though I'm taking a sabbatical from thinking at the moment) and taking care of myself. Side issues continue to come up - I am, after all, ALIVE and in relationships with other people - but as each one does, I am better prepared to handle it without sacrificing my own needs, whether it be my eating or my schedule or just my peace of mind.
I feel I need to shift the focus from thinking about MF - what can I eat, what's allowed in transition, can I stay compliant, are there too many broccoli spears in this bowl - to ME. Are my ultimate goals served by having ice cream or by having a shake? Will eating (fill in the blank) make me feel better about myself, at peace, comfortable? Food is still there, but instead of thinking about what is good for the diet, I can think about what is good for me - truly good for me, not good in the moment.
And that is how I will get to the point Lizabette mentioned - sure I like how pizza (or candy or bread or whatever) tastes, but I do not WANT it. I am not AFRAID to eat it because it is forbidden, because I will gain weight, because someone else might think it's weak of me. I just don't WANT to eat it because it will not get me closer to my goals. If ever my goal is to get sick to my stomach then yes, I will eat pizza, because that will make sense and serve the purpose. If my goal is to love myself and have a healthy body, eating pizza does not make sense. And at heart I am a reasonable, sensible person who wants what is best for herself. I just have had a lot of trouble admitting that without feeling selfish.
And on a little side note - I am addicted to this place. No one posted anything here yesterday and I felt neglected this morning.
I am not saying that I feel I'm so interesting that my journal is required reading for the masses - I'm just admitting my feelings. I feel lonely without feedback. I think it's good for me to admit that. And also to realize that other people have lives and if I am left alone for a day or a week, it does not mean no one loves me or that everyone thinks I'm stupid and am going to fail miserably at this diet so they're not going to waste their time with me. Seriously - that stuff goes through my head. I am still used to measuring my value through the perceptions of others, even though I am trying very hard to find strength inside myself to be alone. Not lonely - not isolated - but alone and quiet with myself and feeling that I am enough even without someone else reassuring me.
So - eventually someone will post something here (hopefully not in pity for the above paragraph) and eventually something I say will touch someone else and help them. That does not have to happen every day. Just as I do not need to give every day if I am not up to it, neither does anyone else. And in the end, this journal is for me - with an added bonus that it might draw others to my side in support or help others through tough times of their own - but mostly it's a dialogue with myself. And it is valuable even if no one else ever reads it. So there.
It seems like after we do all the work to get back to fit, it should just stick. Not fair.
I'm just sharing ways that my life is changing - ways that are good. Ways that are scary because other people might think I am cold, heartless, selfish - but I know I'm not. It may take people time to get used to me acting this way, and they can think what they will of me - I know this 'me' is better and healthier and is closer to becoming all I can in every area of life. And eventually, I have faith that others will look back and track the changes and realize that it was for the best, too.
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