The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[bikipatra]

It really is as simple - and as monumentally difficult - as deciding that losing weight is THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT THING to do for my life and my health right now. My other emotional issues can come up, but if I truly believe losing weight is my number one priority, I will find the strength to stand up to those issues and not cheat.

Do you know how long I have been waiting to hear you say that? I am proud of you. I hope that doesn't come across as condescending but I really am.

[Lizabette]

Lizabette posted this in another place, and I wanted to comment on it, but not clutter up the other thread with my musings.
My first reaction to all this was "no, it's not that easy. Some of us have really deep issues that we need to deal with, things that sabotage us and keep us from just being compliant.' In fact, when I first started this entry, that's what I thought I wanted to say. But in thinking it, I realized that it's just another excuse.
It really is as simple - and as monumentally difficult - as deciding that losing weight is THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT THING to do for my life and my health right now. My other emotional issues can come up, but if I truly believe losing weight is my number one priority, I will find the strength to stand up to those issues and not cheat.

NICKI,

Thank you for commenting on my post. And you are right, It is not that easy!
But you said it yourself, that when that simple, tough decision is made, the strength will come to stand up to those terrible emotional issues.
I somehow believe that the decision is the horse that draws the cart, and not vice-versa.

I am so proud of you, NICKI.
Not as a mom for a good little girl, but as one respected friend to another respected friend who is overcoming the obstacles ...
the ones that are blocking your way of acheiving what you really, really want for your life.

I believe in you, my friend.

[nickieluv]

Thank you Lizabette, Biki, and Jonna for coming by to check up on me. I appreciate your pride and confidence in me. Lord knows I've tested the limits of your patience at times and it is nice to feel accepted and supported.

I have made the intellectual realization that all my 'reasons' for not being compliant are just excuses. But I guess I won't know if I've really made that big decision and made this way of eating #1 until my next crisis comes.

My little compliance ticker at the bottom automatically updates every day, so I guess I'll see how far I can get that sucker to count up to. Shooting for 90 days is 1/3 of the way till Christmas, more or less. Maybe looking at it as three 90-day stretches will help me get there cheat-free.

I am seeing some dangerous thoughts creeping into my head regarding maintenance. Things like 'when I'm pregnant again I can eat whatever I want' and 'I maintained my weight for 18 months so I know how to maintain, I just have to get the weight off.' I recognize them as dangerous but I am not sure what to do about them yet. Plus I'm inclined to push them to the back burner until maintenance actually approaches. I am pretty much all revelation-ed out and my brain needs a rest - so I'm just putting those thoughts here because they have been swimming around for a while and I was feeling dishonest for not admitting to them.

I am going to go read for a bit, have my last supp, and go to bed. I got my order confirmation today, but still no tracking info - I have enough food to get through at least Friday but that means I really need my stuff before Good Friday (unless they deliver on Saturdays?) or the weekend is going to be odd. So cross your fingers for me.

[MerryMary]

Nickie,
If you have the tracking number you can check the delivery date online and know exactly what day it will arrive.

I just got my delivery today so I'd be happy to send something to you if you need it for the weekend. Let me know.

Mary

[Lizabette]

"It really is as simple - and as monumentally difficult - as deciding that losing weight is THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT THING to do for my life and my health right now. My other emotional issues can come up, but if I truly believe losing weight is my number one priority, I will find the strength to stand up to those issues and not cheat."

Babe, make several copies of your own words on cards and put them where you can see them every day.
You'll be preparing for the crisis' that will come. (yes, they will come!)
You mustn't set yourself up to fail, by telling yourself that you " won't know if I've really made that big decision and made this way of eating #1 until my next crisis comes."
There can be no question but that you do have the strength within you to overcome anything that comes...
Believe in yourself, as we believe in you.

[katieb920]

Nickie,

I just looked at your BMI ticker. Way to go. Your are doing so great.
Katie

[Tawanda]

Nickie, just wanted to send you a hello this morning! I hope your food arrives soon so that you'll have a big assortment and choice. You sound like you are getting a 'new attitude' about being/staying on program. It sounds like you are determined and aren't going to be stopped from making goal!! Wishing you the best!

[nickieluv]

Thank you all for the support and thanks Mary for your offer - I was e-mailed tracking numbers this morning and my food will be here tomorrow!!!!! (huge sigh of relief) I've really wanted to dump the plan for a few days only because I was not interested at all in the foods I had left. Never again will I let this happen!!!! It's just another form of self-sabotage.

I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to RTDs again - and beef stew. Mmmmmm. Just the sheer convenience of sticking an RTD and a bar in my purse and knowing I'm set for several hours should anything come up. It gives me a feeling of control, power, and confidence to know that I am taking care of myself by planning ahead.

I truly am determined this time, Tawanda. If I wasn't, that awful month of January would have never ended. I've had huge (for me) strings of compliance and I know that has helped - really seeing the results I can have, and the feeling in my body from being a healthy eater. And I am doing a lot of emotional work, too, as things come up. I don't believe I could ever let myself get this big again after reaching goal - but I know it happens to the vast majority of dieters time and again. So I really want to tackle these emotional demons as they arise, and that's why I say if I cheat and learn something, it was worth it. I'd rather gain 5 pounds now than 105 pounds a year from now. But, cheating is not NECESSARY to reaching my goal and tackling my demons.

I will take your words to heart, Lizabette. Just waiting around for a crisis and fretting that I will make bad choices is a waste of time and energy. Bad times will come and I need to tell myself that they will not derail me again. Getting healthy is more important than anything else. Without my health nothing else will matter. What good is a great marriage if you can't participate in it? What good is a great mother if she can't take care of her children or herself? What good is a great teacher if she can't make music come alive through dance and song because of her weight? I am so lucky not to be diabetic at this point in my life - that is forever - I NEED to lose weight and lower my risk. Diabetes is so prevalent in my family that I tend to forget there are really serious problems that can arise from it.

Well, speaking of teaching, I do actually have to do that around here once in a while - so I'm off. Loving the sunshine today, by the way.

[nickieluv]

I'm not walking my laps anymore. It's been probably two weeks or so since I walked. I'm just not in the mood for it. And I still have this feeling that I SHOULD exercise instead of wanting to exercise. I have all these exercise DVDs but that whole scene is associated with punishment in my mind. "You let yourself get fat so now you have to do this miserable exercise every day for the rest of your life or you will be fat forever."

There's a fine line, though. I know that if I actually started walking on any given day, I would start to feel better and I would like the feeling it gives me when it's over. But I don't even start because I still dread it.

I was thinking it would be fun to exercise through sports - or like hiking and biking like Karli does - real life things with a point. Then I got this MF e-mail that golfing doesn't count as exercise. Come on, not even if you walk all 18 holes lugging your clubs behind you? I sure huff and puff enough that it should count as exercise, darn it.

I was thinking about checking out classes at the Y, too. I only learned a few months ago that there is even one in the area - that's how health conscious I am. Or taking dance classes. Time is the issue there, though. If I weren't working or my husband weren't on nights there might be a shot - so I'm thinking about trying to find something for the summer that my daughter and I can do together. Mommy and me kind of things. It may not be exercise per se, but just something that gets us out of the house and doing something together. Or maybe I should just join Curves. I don't know.

So, I just need to research my options. And I'm not pushing it. I'm not going to attach any judgements to the fact that I am not walking lately. I don't need more rules. Compliance is the focus right now - what goes in my mouth. I've had to totally revamp my views on food and how I use it. So now I need to go through that same process with exercise. And I also may never be someone who enjoys it. Maybe I am not headed down the path of exercise, but just the path of activity and movement.

On the other hand - if someday I feel like walking, I'm not going to stop myself because I feel I've decided not to exercise. This is a day by day thing.

Can you tell I'm just writing to write? Sometimes really good things come out of that so even though I have nothing to say, I just type and see what I end up with. Time to stop for now. I have no baby tonight so I am going to have a 'me' night - not sure what that will look like, but I do know that it will not involve mass quantities of food like it always used to when I was alone at night. That is progress - that is something I don't think I'll ever go back to.

[bikipatra]

Don't beat yourself up for not exercising. It is NOT a requirement. Remember Nancy lost all her weight without an exercise program. I just walk every day because it's a habit now and I know it helps with my mood. I kind of feel "off" if I don't get at least a mile in....

[nickieluv]

There is something funky going on in my head.

It's been months since I used piano lesson money to finance my weekly binge.

But when I got home today, as I was mixing my MF cocoa, I remembered that one of my students would be paying in cash and I could run out to all the fast food joints and get my smorgasboard of fat-producing garbage - and with no one home, no one would know.

That is totally my old binge mode - only when I was alone, tons more food than any human should eat in one sitting, use my lesson cash to score my fix.

I'm not going to do this - but it was disturbing how I was just saying that I didn't think I would ever do that again, and then bam! I'm thinking about it. That seems to be my pattern. When I say I won't do something, I start thinking about it. Like last week when I said I wouldn't need to cheat again, and then a few hours later I was cheating. I need to figure out where this is coming from.

The good news is that I am inserting a step between imagining and doing - I am reasoning. I am stating that I do not want to complete that behavior and then trying to figure out what it is I'm trying to accomplish by thinking of it. Maybe it is as simple as this being the first time in a very long time that I will be home alone for an entire evening with no baby and nowhere I need to go - so my mind went back to old habits. This is not a common situation I find myself in so I need to create new habits.

So - tonight after my last lesson I will have a L&G, and enjoy it, and watch some TV shows that I've been saving for tonight on Tivo (CSI, Numbers, Ghost Whisperer) and if I feel munchy I can have a snack and a diet soda - then after my last supplement I will go upstairs and read for a bit before going to sleep. There, I've written it out and that is what I will do. I really don't have a desire to do otherwise.

It's almost like my mind senses my determination, and then in an effort to save myself from myself it tells me to binge. So there are obviously some good reasons I have for being fat, and I haven't uncovered them yet - even though I thought I'd really been digging deep. Sheesh, this diet stuff is a lot of work. No wonder I never followed through before - it's not just about what you eat, it has to be about almost everything in your life. This is worse than getting my Master's degree.

[Lizabette]

NICKI,
Good advice from BIKI. Exercise is not a requirement, but a good mood elevator.
My treadmill sat idle on our deck for a year or so before I got on it one day when the weather was too bad to get out doors!
Now I do that mostly on my off Y days. (20-30 min. = 1 mile)
I really did like Curves in times past...It was quick and effective. Good if it is close by.
Just plain walking is also good. Any amount is good, 5 min., 10 min. whatever.
Knowing that exercise is very important while maintaining, I did begin walking and exercising during my weightloss phase.
DH and I now go to the Y 3 days a week (He has diabetes, and needs to exercise) ...then walk at home on off days.
But hey, we went out to the Botanical Gardens today, and must have walked 2 to 3 miles. I was "tired-city' when we got back home.
No treadmill for me today, that's for sure.
Don't let it bug you, if you don't exercise yet. Like NANCY and others, you can do it without exercising.
It's an optional thing...compliance isn't, right!.

BTW. Good girl, you have a good plan to lick the 'binge temptation' tonight.

[Lauren]

You just touched on something, Nickie, that I've noticed in your past entries, but never wanted to "mention." For your more recent "binges," (not at the very start, but once you began ongoing compliance), just moments before your binge, you made very bold statements like "I have figure it all out, now I'll never need to cheat again" type comments. I shouldn't use quotes, bc that's definitely not a quote! :-) But basically, you make very grand sweeping statements of such a firm nature, that you've got it out of your system, you've got it figured out, you now know how to proceed, etc.

Every time you made one of these statements, it made me nervous for you! I think the fear you are having right now is good. We need the fear to keep us on our toes. Jo, Liz, and I talk about this all the time. We need to always believe we're just a meal away from "falling off" this program (or maintenance). It's what keeps us on track, and helps us not get lazy or complacent. None of us have it all figured out. None of us are in a position to just mindlessly go into life and never gain back the weight. If you ask Nancy, she will tell you that every day is still a struggle. I still find myself doing things that are my "version" of binging - chewing way too much gum, drinking too much diet soda, eating ridiculous amounts of veggies, whatever. Will these behaviors lead me to gaining weight? No, not specifically. But are they soo so so close to teetering on the edge all the time? YES! This will always be a struggle, Nickie, so don't try to come up with a solution for the struggle. Acknowledge it. Own it. Realize it may always be your albatross (as it is mine), but learn how to live around it, make changes (like MF) that enable you to live well with this struggle. Everyone has struggles, this is ours. We can and should still delve into the psyche to see if there are areas that we can improve that may lesson our struggle, but don't expect to one day wake up and have a thin person's brain. I don't believe we're wired for it.

Just breathe, kiddo. Don't psyche yourself out so much, and don't always overthink things. Sometimes it's easier to just "do," and not to "think." Other times it's good to soul-search. It's never good to do both all the time! :-)

Lauren

[bikipatra]

You guys exhaust me. Thank god I'm just a drunk and have learned but not always followed the principles of AA for 12 years. (Please find irony in statement before getting pissed at me.)

[nickieluv]

I got it, Biki, no worries. Made me giggle even. It IS tiring doing all this thinking all the time.

Lauren - you're right, I do keep hoping that I will turn a corner and be rewired and not have these desires anymore. But I am starting to see that is never going to happen. I will always be prone to using food for comfort. Perhaps substitution is the best I can hope for - soy crisps instead of potato chips, that kind of thing - when these urges do come on me. It might be a big waste of time looking for 'the answer' when there is no answer other than constant vigilance.

This is very depressing, however. I don't WANT to be afraid of food for the rest of my life. I don't WANT to spend every day terrified that I am one slip-up away from being obese again. I just want to eat reasonably and not stuff my emotions with food. I want to be able to order pizza every so often and have one piece and be satisfied. But I feel that I will always have it in me to eat the whole thing by myself, even when I reach goal. And thinking that makes me feel like MF is just a bandaid and I'm doomed to repeat the gain/lose cycle for the rest of my life - so why bother lose in the first place?

These are just my thoughts. I'm not quitting. But it's been very important for me to believe that this diet would be temporary and that I could go back - not to the way I used to eat - but to normalcy. Reading about people who are afraid to have two slices of bread in a day - I don't want that life any more than I want the out of control life I had.

Maybe this is the grieving Mary was talking about in Biki's journal. I'm not going to mourn my old clothes - but I am definitely going to mourn the dream that one day food would not be all I thought about all day long - whether it be how much I was going to eat, or how little I should be eating. I am railing against the feeling that I can never go to a restaurant and actually order what I might want because I would have to worry about the carbs and the protein and the starch and the fat. I am mourning the idea that I could one day eat just what I wanted and have that be enough - not bingeing.

Well, I am many months away from goal. Perhaps I'm just too new in MF to be ready to think about these things. Maybe I need to ban myself from thinking for a few months and just lose the weight - plain and simple. Fight the binge urges, stay compliant, and lose the weight. Use my thinking to focus on my marriage and daughter and finances instead.

And of course - I am being pissy because I'm hungry. So I'm going to go eat and chill out. Sorry if I was way too whiny.