The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[Mike]

Nickie,
Definitely count and make sure. You can always do a small order or see if someone in the Swap section has something you could buy. Small light orders don't weigh alot so the shipping is minimal (especially since you are close to Maryland.

Also, we always try to have the batch day a few days after the 1st so we can take advantage of the monthly sales. Just an idea.

[bikipatra]

I just placed a small order even though I have already ordered this month just to make sure I had enough shakes so I woudn't have to eat any chili or minestrone soup!

[Serendipity]

Nickie, I was just telling Nancy the other day that I don't feel right if I don't have my oatmeal in the morning, my bar in the afternoon, and my pudding before bed! I've even passed up dessert because I wanted to have room for my pudding! I'm sick, I know it.....but good sick.

[nickieluv]

Glad to see I'm not the only creature of habit when it comes to eating, Jo! That just makes it even more important to CHANGE my habits to good ones. I want to be 'good' sick like you, instead of just plain old sick all the time.

Something has been bopping its way around in my head today. I think Tawanda said it in her journal a couple of days ago. Basically, why do I think I deserve to be rewarded for hitting milestones? I am still severely obese, I still have a LOT of weight to lose. Have I accomplished something? Yes, sure. But not enough yet. And not enough to say I deserve to go off plan.

Or, is it that I really DO think I DESERVE to go off plan? Because I know it will hurt me, and I don't deserve to reach my goals and dreams?

I am really trying to figure out what barriers I still have to losing this weight. There must be something because since I started being compliant in earnest, not one of my cheats has been enjoyable. It's not like January when I still really WANTED the unhealthy foods. Now, I'm zipping along on program and doing great, and the very moment I start to feel like I can go all the way with this, I trip and fall on my face.

Even after this last cheat, I was thinking 'well I won't cheat again at least until I'm under 200.' But why does cheating even have to figure into my plans at all? I was all gung ho, I wasn't going to cheat ever again, I was going to reach goal by Christmas - and then I stumbled, and now it seems like cheating is always just over the horizon for me. Wow, that's a lot of times to say 'cheat' in one paragraph.

Part of it may be that I am living a thin life in a lot of ways now - at least, what I thought a thin life would be - and so I start to think I have arrived at my goal already. I have more confidence, I don't mind being in front of people so much (a fact of life for me, but now I don't feel so FAT being up there). I'm starting to like getting dressed in the morning, instead of every day being a frantic hunt for what will make me look the least blob-like. I'm starting to be more outgoing with friends and at work - I'm socializing more. I'm learning how to take a compliment without a voice in my head saying 'he/she is just being polite, you're really not smart/talented/losing weight/funny/whatever.'

I'm starting to LIKE myself, and I think that pushes a lot of buttons for me. I start to think I'm being vain, or stuck-up, or egotistical, or just plain selfish. I don't think I know yet how to reconcile a picture of a person who likes herself but is still giving to others - because part of my giving was always to get someone to like me for what I could do for them, since just being myself was no picnic for anybody. And I am afraid that if I am too fond of myself, then no one will like me because I'll be too self-sufficient. They might think I don't need anyone else, or don't WANT anyone else, and back away from me - or I might threaten them, and they won't want to be around me.

Robin I believe was saying that I might be afraid of my strength - I assumed that I was really afraid that my LACK of strength would become obvious as I lost weight, because people would have higher expectations and I wouldn't be able to meet them. I MYSELF have really high expectations of the thin me and maybe I can't fulfill them. Or maybe, I am simply afraid of what I could be. Afraid that I will change dramatically and in the process become a worse wife, mother, and teacher. All three roles that involve subsuming yourself for the needs of others - what if I'm a real bitch when I'm thin and I can't be loving anymore?

To say it out loud seems kind of silly - I can't imagine suddenly not loving my daughter or my husband. Well, that's a lie. My marriage is not perfect and I am worried that if I'm thin and maybe am attracting other male attention, that my husband won't seem good enough for me anymore. I'm afraid that I settled because I was fat and didn't think I'd ever find anyone better. But I also believe that a marriage takes work, and I know my husband loves me, and I know that I loved him and probably still do - but I've spent so much time building barriers between us to protect myself when he left me - which I always thought was about a week away at any given time - that I don't remember how to love.

So I'm afraid that when I'm thin I won't love my husband - but really I'm trying NOW to learn how to love him again. So that's nothing to be afraid of because I'm dealing with it already. And loving myself can only help me to have a better relationship, right? Because I will feel deserving of love, and I will be able to ask for what I need and want instead of only trying to give all the time, leaving myself drained and frustrated and resentful.

Anyway - that's enough for one night, it's late and I'm tired (as usual). I was compliant today although I did not have time to make a L&G, so I was 6/0 today plus soy crisps. Not that I think that will hurt anything after my episode earlier this week. My only concern is that I might be ravenous tomorrow - but I always have fish on the nights I'm really hungry because 7oz of fish is a LOT of food. So I have that to fall back on tomorrow night if I have to. Oh, and I haven't done my laps at work all week - not there Mon. and Tues., Weds. I was wearing heels like a dork, and today we had a mini-disaster and all my free time was spent preparing for the fix-up. Tomorrow there's another teacher coming in to observe my classroom for the day so I probably won't walk again if he winds up staying the whole day. But - I don't need to walk to burn off my food, I only walk to enjoy myself and feel better - so next week I will start up again, and hopefully our Spring Break will bring fabulous weather and I can get out with the baby every day for some longer trips, perhaps to the playground (only about a mile away from us).

Hey, didn't I say I was tired? I'm going, I'm going!

[JonnaD]

It's good to see you are working with your fears about being thin. Most people are afraid of change and we are going through some severe changes.

About your concerns regarding loving your husband. I think too many people forget LOVE is an action verb. If you want to ensure you love your husband, ACT it out. Just as thinking as if your have already reached your thinness goals has changed your perceptions of yourself, acting with love towards your husband will help the emotional side of your love grow.

You know your husband loves you - how? Because he says it? Or because of his actions toward you?

Consider the alternatives, if you draw away from him - who benefits? You? Do you really want to start over? Your daughter? Your husband?

In May, my husband and I will celebrate our 35th wedding anniversary. It hasn't been a fairy tale marriage, we've had issues to deal with and some we are still dealing with. But we decided a long time ago we'd rather deal with them together rather than separately.

Remember, when someone promises you a rose garden, they don't always mention the thorns. (I don't know what this has to do with anything, but I've always wanted to say it. )

Basically, Nickie, don't let the changes you're going through convince you your marriage isn't worth working for. Make two lists, on the first, list everything you like about your DH. On the second one, list what you'd like to change about him. Take the first list and put it somewhere you can refer to it and add to it. Take the other and run it through the shredder. It's what he is that's important, not what he's not.

I suppose it's time for me to get off my soapbox. I hope I haven't offended you with my comments.

[Serendipity]

Another good exercise is to make a list of all of the faults YOU have that your husband lives with every day. No one is perfect and it helps me to remind myself that I have just as many faults as he does.

I've noticed a trend in your posts, nickie. There are alot of "what ifs" scattered through them. I'll tell you something my dear MIL used to say. "Don't worry until it's time to worry." It sounds simplistic, but if you start practicing this simple thing, you find that many problems fix themselves and don't require worry. It's liberating.

[nickieluv]

Thanks Jonna and Jo. It's funny, usually I'm not a worrier at all. My husband is the worrywart. But lately - and especially when it in some way connects with losing weight - it seems like that's all I do. But it's not really necessary. My daughter and I went to a cousin's birthday party tonight, and I forgot all about it - so there was no time to worry about what I would eat, would anyone ask questions if I had a shake, blah blah blah. I just went. And I packed two shakes and drank them while everyone else had pizza and popcorn and soda and birthday cake. And my little baby girl ate all of the above but I was OK with that - she's been sick and it was wonderful to see her appetite back. And as she was eating a piece of pizza, it occurred to me that she hardly ever has it except at these kinds of family parties - or chips or cake, and never soda (not from me anyway - who knows what my sister does when she watches her) - and I felt a glow of pride that she is eating NORMALLY. As in - she eats healthy just about every day of her life, and on a special occasion like this she can indulge because that's what parties are for. But she also pushes away - she didn't finish her pizza and didn't have much cake, telling me when she was full - and the rest of what she ate was milk and Chex mix. She does not seem to stuff herself, but just eats what she likes and stops when she's full - even when there's more food right in front of her. So if children know how to eat what their bodies need, how did I get so screwed up?

Anyway - I appreciated the comments about my marriage, too. And I have no intention of leaving my husband. Yes, at one time I did, but now we have a daughter together and divorce is not an option - since of course he doesn't cheat on me or beat me - those are deal-breakers, sorry. How do I know he loves me? Mostly because he tells me, I think. But then I am probably missing the ways he tries to show me right now, because we are still learning to communicate about what we need from each other. We each give what it is that we would want to receive, but that's not necessarily what the other person needs. His work schedule is taking a toll, too. We're becoming more like roommates - we barely see each other and when we do, we're always talking about the baby or something relating to her. I've approached him with the idea of 'date night' twice a month - not even necessarily going out, but just having time alone. Baby would be with Grandma for the night, and we could talk, share a meal, watch a movie, go to bed at the same time for a change.

I don't know what to say. We'll stay together, and we'll fix this - but I don't know how yet. Stress levels about money are way down - and we don't fight much at all anymore - but just plain old quality time is way down, too. I have the 6-13 of April off for Spring Break so hopefully we can reconnect in those 10 days. It's just very hard for me not to wall myself off emotionally. I had a big breakthrough when I first started MF and we were doing great - but the walls are back up now.

I was compliant today but 6/0 again. And my timing was really screwy. I had cocoa at 8, a bar at 12:15, two shakes at 6, and then two chilis together at 9 so I could go to bed early. I didn't intentionally not have a L&G, but I was running all day - my work schedule was completely rearranged, every moment that I was home I was either giving piano lessons or getting ready for the party - this is the first chance I've had all day to even check the forum. I was setting myself up for disaster and temptation was all around me at the party, so I'm pretty grateful I was able to stay on plan.

Tomorrow morning I have a breakfast date with a college friend - but I'll have to eat before I leave and it won't be time to eat again yet by the time I get there - so I'll be looking very cheap and having only water. I thought about waiting to eat until I got there, but it would be way more than an hour after waking up, and I have no guarantees I could find something L&G-ish at a down-home country diner. But my friend is pregnant so I don't have to worry about her feeling self-conscious eating while I don't at least!

Well, another day done. I'm off to bed - finally. How did it get so late already?

[nickieluv]

Weighed in this morning at 1/10 over ticker, so it took longer this time but I dropped all of the 'cheat weight' this week. Hopefully I can see a little loss tomorrow for weigh-in. Asking for too much, I know. But I can hope.

I'm off to eat my oatmeal. I'm really going to be on schedule with my supplements today, and have a L&G. I woke up hungry today and that's not usual, so I know I need to be 5/1 today - and every day, but after two days of 6/0 I REALLY need to get back on track.

Can't wait for that new order to come.... And I can't wait until I've got the hang of this and don't have to spend the last 10 days of every month dying for new products to come. I think I'm getting there.

I'm glad to be back on plan. I really want to hit onderland this summer and I just can't do it if I keep struggling. People are noticing my weight loss left and right, and that's good, but it's not a reason to stop. I've got a long way to go - but I can do it, and will do it, with MF. I'm EXCITED to do it. Here's to compliance until goal!!!!

[MerryMary]

I've got a long way to go - but I can do it, and will do it, with MF. I'm EXCITED to do it. Here's to compliance until goal!!!!

You are your own best cheerleader, Nickie!

Mary

[nickieluv]

Thanks, Mary. My husband is a great support, too - I was just reading some other posts and I know I'm lucky that he is so great about this, especially since I have tried and failed so many times. It is still freaking me out when he just looks at me and says 'you look GREAT' but I know he means well - and it's good practice so that I don't get so freaked out by comments. I don't think I especially like being noticed for my appearance, even though I think that's what I want. But really, I think I just want to be attractive to myself. Does that make any sense? If I am happy with myself that's all that really matters - my husband will love me no matter what, he's said so. And he's loved me at all weights, high and low, so I know it's true. But the fine line is - I'm pretty happy now with how I'm feeling. But it's not my GOAL - and I have to remember that as good as I feel NOW, it's going to get better and better as I keep going down the scale.

My supps have been better today - I was off because of a nice, long nap with the baby - but it was worth it. And I forgot to take a supp to breakfast this morning, so I had to order real food (I ate early so that I could eat something, I just had planned it would be a supp and not my L&G). I got a veggie omelette with 3 eggs, broccoli, peppers, tomatoes and mushrooms. It came with toast and hash browns - so when it arrived, I immediately put the toast, hashbrowns, and 1/3 of the omelette (since only 2 eggs are allowed) on another plate for the baby to pick at. I ate all the rest but it probably wasn't enough veggies - and I know it was cooked in some kind of grease even though I asked them not to - but it's a diner, so given the choices I think I did pretty well. We'll find out tomorrow, though, won't we?

So, two more supps for today - really, I will be SO happy to get just my favorite things. I want to stay on program but I don't like the feeling that I HAVE to eat chili when what I WANT is beef stew - even though I don't think the chili is bad, it's just not what I'm in the mood for, you know? But I'm compliant and happy to be so.

[MerryMary]

I don't think I especially like being noticed for my appearance, even though I think that's what I want. But really, I think I just want to be attractive to myself. Does that make any sense?

It makes perfect sense, Nickie! I can relate to that wholeheartedly. I'm on MF to take back control over my body and my health. I'm not doing it so others think I look good. While I don't want people making an issue of my weight loss, when I receive compliment it is encouraging.

Mary

[JonnaD]

I agree with Mary. I didn't start MF because of what others were saying around me - I'm lucky and have very supportive friends. I did it because of what I saw in the mirror and how I felt, physically and emotionally. So, yes, I'm doing it for ME and it's about darn time.

You did well, today. Keep it up.

[nickieluv]

Another compliant day amidst temptation. We went to my father's house today and he made beef stew - my dad makes THE BEST beef stew, if you ask me. So the whole house smells like it and it looks delicious and I'm feeding it to the baby - and then I had to go nuke my icky chili. I am so over the chili. But I ate it. And I didn't even sneak a piece of the stew beef, even though it looked really good.

So I had 5 supps today while we were out and about, and now it's time for my L&G before bed. Another compliant day. It feels good.

I am getting impatient for onederland today. I really want to change my ticker to show my final goal weight. I know there's no reason I couldn't do that right now, but I am afraid that if I do, all my progress will seem like a drop in the bucket. I'll go from 30.9 pounds to go, to 89.9 pounds to go. Wait a minute, is that right? Less than 100# to go? But, if I wait until 199 to change the ticker, then I'll have 65 pounds lost and 59 pounds to go and will be more than halfway there. Well, the answer will come to me eventually.

For now - compliance. To June 24th is 90 days. That is my new short-term goal - to stay compliant for a full 90 days (counting the 6 I've already done). I think I will change my little Christmas ticker down there - it's too soon for a 'days to goal' ticker. I'll change it to my compliance ticker and set it for June 24th. Off I go to do that now.

[nickieluv]

Hey, JO, you and LAUREN are kind of in the same boat as far as amount of weight loss is concerned...
and I admire you both for making that huge decision to begin climbing that mighty mountain of decision!
And the point is that anyone can do it, with few exceptions, by doing just what you two did.
I do try to be kind and understanding to all those who struggle so hard to stay compliant, and I just want to say, You don't have to struggle, guys, you can just do it!
And you are right, losing the weight is a breeze, when the decision is made that losing the weight is the most important thing!. (With all the health benefits that entails!)

So, is that the crux of the matter then, you think...something as simple (and tough) as making that decision?
Can someone who has been constantly struggling with it, finally step back and say, NOW is the time to make that decision to change my life---forever?
I believe so.

Lizabette posted this in another place, and I wanted to comment on it, but not clutter up the other thread with my musings.

My first reaction to all this was "no, it's not that easy. Some of us have really deep issues that we need to deal with, things that sabotage us and keep us from just being compliant.' In fact, when I first started this entry, that's what I thought I wanted to say. But in thinking it, I realized that it's just another excuse.

It really is as simple - and as monumentally difficult - as deciding that losing weight is THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT THING to do for my life and my health right now. My other emotional issues can come up, but if I truly believe losing weight is my number one priority, I will find the strength to stand up to those issues and not cheat.

I've been thinking a lot about strength lately - how strong women are perceived and treated. I feel that showing my strength as a woman will leave me lonely - others will fear me, will be intimidated by me, will feel they have nothing to offer me, and will therefore leave me. I believe in a deep dark place that I am only loveable if I am weak - less of a presence than those around me. Perhaps it was being both the token fat girl and the valedictorian of my very small high school (graduating class of sixty-eight people). I slimmed down in my last two years of HS, but we were so small that everyone remembered me as the fat girl. Only new students who moved to the district saw me as anything else - and they were no one I wanted to be around (I was a very innocent teenager, let me tell you, and the things these kids would do and talk about....). And even then, while they may have noticed me and been attracted to me, I was 'the smart chick' and therefore I was completely undesirable.

College changed all that - anyone who's been there I'm sure knows that it's a completely different animal. And I OD'ed on 'sex as love' with all these people who only knew me as a thin person. Hence my feeling that the thin me is a slut. And anyway, my impressions of myself were already well-formed and a few rolls in the hay did nothing to convince me that I was somehow more desirable - I only believed that these people didn't know who I really was, really could be (the fat girl) so I had to keep fooling them for as long as possible to get the attention I craved.

I don't know where I'm going with all this. I started out with a point. I think I'm just exploring some things right now.

I think my decision is not so much 'is MF important or not,' but 'do I deserve to be happy or not?' My happiness will not be found in a body size, or in a trophy lover, or in perfect children, or in a splendid house. My happiness can only come from me. As long as I am expecting other things and people to fill the holes in my life, I will build walls - because if I believe I can't survive without them, my fear of losing them will keep me distant - if I push you away, you can't leave me. I think I need to accept that I can find everything I need inside of myself. And that only when I am full and complete on my own can I possibly give to others without lessening myself, and take from others without feeling dependent or guilty.

Now how does a person who has always been full of self-hatred turn that to self-love? I think I've begun. I value myself. I take care of myself. I seek out what I need. I take pride in my appearance. I take pride in my accomplishments instead of labeling success as luck or a miracle.

I am still very invested in feeling that being thin will make things better for me. And yet I am afraid it will make things worse. It's a confusing place to be. And I am fighting the feeling that self-love=selfish=bad. But I must remember that by being the best I can be, and allowing myself the freedom to be HUMAN, with needs and wants and hang-ups and all the rest, I am presenting a whole person to my family instead of a facade.

[JonnaD]

Sounds like you are making progress, Nickie.

To really love and be loved, you have to make yourself vulnerable to that other person and that's so very scary. But the rewards are so very great.

It took my mom 50 years to accept that my dad would never hit her (she was abused most of her life before she married him.) The last five years of her life were her happiest. And his, too.

I know it won't take you that long to accept you are a lovable person. Your posts show that.