The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

nickieluv · by **nickieluv** » March 27th, 2007, 10:55 am

Well, Mary, I'll agree that I WAS very prone to self-sabotage. But I am doing tons better now. I feel that these two days were about fear again. I am feeling that I am losing myself sometimes, and I'm getting more attention for my weight loss and I have mixed feelings about that.

Not that this wasn't self-sabotage - I'm not saying that. But I think I am doing a much better job with the 'why.' I am starting to make the connection between my feelings and my eating. And this was also connected to my perfectionist mindset. I figured not eating was cheating, and having an extra bar was cheating, so since I was going to cheat anyway I should really go all out.

I'm not trying to discount what you're saying but I see so much growth in myself in the last months that I just know I'm not dealing with these things in the same way. The last time these types of things happened I went off the diet I was on completely, and never looked back. I did not truly want to be thin at that time. I was too afraid. I was too invested in my fat view of myself to change. I've done a lot of work on those emotions this time.

I believe that I am still coming to terms with a thin life. And that I go back to my comfort zone from time to time, especially when something comes up that really throws my progress in my face. It is not a coincidence that this happened after a big drop in weight, a change in my BMI category, and a ton of compliments rolling in. It really made me aware of what I'm accomplishing, and I panicked for a bit. But I'm ready to move on and do the work.

I do still believe that I would rather cheat and learn something than just put the MF bandaid on all my habits for a year and then go back to 'normal' at the end of it. I can't go back. These cheats remind me of why I can't - and they help me learn the warning signs. Maybe this is the last time I need to learn that lesson. About the warning signs, I mean. Now I need to figure out how to work through my emotions without eating. I am getting better with boredom and sleepiness and anger. Fear is still something I need to learn about.

bikipatra · by **bikipatra** » March 27th, 2007, 11:07 am

Nickie. I think your biggest success hasn't been anything bigger than actually keeping with this diet, missteps and all. You told us from the beginning that you cut and run. But you are in this for the long haul. I can tell. And that is a BIG DEAL!

DogMa · by **DogMa** » March 27th, 2007, 11:11 am

nickieluv wrote:I am feeling that I am losing myself sometimes, and I'm getting more attention for my weight loss and I have mixed feelings about that.

You ARE doing better, Nickie, and it WAS all about fear. I think when you start feeling strong on the program, it frightens you somewhere inside and you sabotage yourself because maybe you still don't believe you ARE strong. Much like this quote, where you say you feel like you're losing yourself. I think it's really just the opposite: You're finally FINDING yourself, and that can be more than a little scary. That person who follows the program and feels strong and succeeds? That's the real YOU!!!

Karli · by **Karli** » March 27th, 2007, 1:52 pm

nickieluv wrote:I do still believe that I would rather cheat and learn something than just put the MF bandaid on all my habits for a year and then go back to 'normal' at the end of it. I can't go back.

I *completely* get this and I think you are really smart to be so aware along your way. It's no fun to have our efforts be a flash-in-the-pan. You know, I think a cool thing about this journey is the fact that we *have* to deal with our new life along the way. Each time you get these comments from others, each time you feel some kind of pressure about it and cope with what that all means to you, each time you get nervous and want to run away, you always have to come back to yourself and redefine what it is, exactly, that you want and are working to accomplish. And, you are doing it, Nickie !

So, even though it seems, to some extent, like we will reach our goal-weight and then our new life begins, we are actually in training for it along our MF journey. All of the training you are doing now, will serve you on the "other end" (though, it's actually all connected).

And, something I have been meaning to chime in on for awhile now, about your neighboring little girl. I think it's very important to have serious priorities in life. And, people who are truly wanting and willing to help, can *easily* get lost in "helping" others and let their own important priorities slip (and nobody else will pick up the slack for you). So, if you find that your time with your own little girl suffers for any reason that you know you can do something about, you are not a bad and negligent person for doing something about it, even if it means turning somebody else away.

Anyway, just rootin' for you, Nickie

.

Cheers,
Karli

MerryMary · by **MerryMary** » March 27th, 2007, 2:09 pm

nickieluv wrote:Now I need to figure out how to work through my emotions without eating. I am getting better with boredom and sleepiness and anger. Fear is still something I need to learn about.

I just want you to know that my critique came from my own self-understanding. Within me I had supressed anger and feelings of rejection. :cry:

I'm glad you recognize that our choices are sometimes motivated by our feelings. In a sense feelings are rather neutral; the cause of them is where the work is. Good luck on your journey!

Mary

nickieluv · by **nickieluv** » March 27th, 2007, 5:34 pm

Mary - thank you for posting. A lot of times we don't know ourselves as well as we think we do - and your post got me thinking and writing, and that led to more feedback from others, and it's all really been a great thing for me. I understand anger (although mine is not really repressed, much as my husband wishes it were sometimes!) and rejection - I have major abandonment issues and a lot of it manifested in my food. Losing weight pushes a lot to the surface that was buried comfortably, and I think when we post to someone else about something personal to us, it can sometimes push just the right buttons to set a feeling free, so that it can be scrutinized and let go.

Karli - long ago, when I started MF the very first time, you told me that I could have all of the things on my life's wishlist right now, this second, if I let myself. And I have read elsewhere that to be thin, you must embrace thin behaviors right away and change your mindset. I never knew how to do that before. But I feel now that I am living my life, at least socially, more like the way I thought it would be when I was finally thin. And other changes are taking place all the time. Living a thin life does call into question whether this is what I really want. I do have to reevaluate all the time. This time cheating was a part of that investigation. I never thought of it as running away but it makes sense to think of it that way. You and Robin hit on something interesting there.

It was striking when Robin said basically that it wasn't that I felt strong and that signalled disaster - but that feeling strong frightens me and I run from it by cheating. And that I am not losing, but finding, myself. Will I like what I find? Is all this fat just to cover up the things I hate about myself? Of course self-hatred is a big part of any self-destructive behavior - isn't it? - and the way I've treated my body is abusive. And maybe when I am succeeding and being 'nice' to myself, I still don't think I deserve it so I sabotage it. I saw only the cheating as sabotage - I didn't connect that the 'warning signs' I listed were caused by ME in the first place.

And thank you, Biki - I am in this for the duration and I am so glad that it's coming across to you that way, too! I know that if others see what I see in my posts, then it is ringing true and I'm not trying to hide anything from myself. When I'm hiding, it always seems to come through in my writing - something feels 'off' to me, and you picked up on my weirdness and scattered-ness too. This is a big committment - and committment is not my strong suit (in fact I would not still be married at this moment were it not for my daughter coming along - when the going gets tough, I get going! - but she has changed that because I will not give up on a united family for her, and really my husband is wonderful, but like I said, I'm a quitter and a wall-builder - but that's off the track....).

Anyway, I will be on MF until goal. I am going to have pain and setbacks and I am going to be forced to come to terms with myself - but I believe in the process I will become a happier person - not because of losing the weight, but because of facing my fears and learning to embrace not just myself, but others as well. And everyone here is a part of that. There are some people I feel closer to, even though I haven't met a single one of you, and those relationships are teaching me how to be a friend, how to be supportive, how to be honest, and how to take risks. I have posted some of the most terrible things I've ever done in this journal, and people have read it and are still speaking to me. There's hope for me.

nickieluv · by **nickieluv** » March 27th, 2007, 5:37 pm

Oh, and on a less 'deep thoughts' kind of note -

I was compliant today. There was a rough moment this afternoon, and if those leftovers had been in the fridge I would have eaten them - but they weren't, and I didn't, and I'm on my way now to have what is probably cold hot cocoa and then going to bed early. The first day is over. I think it'll get easier from here. I have been compliant for a long time, really, and that habit is a part of me now. I have something familiar to fall back on that is NOT bingeing behavior.

Lizabette · by **Lizabette** » March 27th, 2007, 8:59 pm

Anyway, I will be on MF until goal. I am going to have pain and setbacks and I am going to be forced to come to terms with myself - but I believe in the process I will become a happier person - not because of losing the weight, but because of facing my fears and learning to embrace not just myself, but others as well. And everyone here is a part of that. There are some people I feel closer to, even though I haven't met a single one of you, and those relationships are teaching me how to be a friend, how to be supportive, how to be honest, and how to take risks. I have posted some of the most terrible things I've ever done in this journal, and people have read it and are still speaking to me. There's hope for me.
_________________

GOOD GOING, NICKI! We are here for you!
I've thought a lot of what you said about feeling close to others here, even though we haven't met a single one.
We share a bond with some here as much as if we had personally known them always.
We will probably never meet each other, but our spirits have connected in such a special way reserved only for us!
And we'll all go on some day to other lives and places...
But if we now say we love someone, it is because we really do...or that someone is beautiful or inspiring, we truly mean it!
Who, anywhere else is here for us like we are for each other?

katieb920 · by **katieb920** » March 28th, 2007, 5:37 am

Way to go Nickie on being compliant yesterday. You can do it.

PS. I really do love reading your journals, I wish I could write what I feel. Good luck.

Katie

Tawanda · by **Tawanda** » March 28th, 2007, 5:56 am

Nicki, it sounds like each time you go through a rough spot and you mull it over, you do figure out more about what caused the rough spot/feelings behind wanting to go off program. I don't see how that could be anything but a positive in the long run. It isn't an easy process and is often pretty complex, to uncover the 'why' behind us turning to food for comfort. You are on your way to understanding the 'why' and figuring out ways to rework those thoughts. So long as you can get yourself back on program and back to working on it, then it seems that you will win this battle.

nickieluv · by **nickieluv** » March 29th, 2007, 6:11 am

Thanks everyone for your support. It really does help me, this interaction in the journals.

Not much to report - I was compliant yesterday although I did have a snack and hadn't wanted to. I am eager for my new order to come, and I'm really hoping it gets here before Good Friday or I am going to be drinking skim milk for a few days. BUT I ordered extra boxes this time so that this won't happen yet again next month. I'm thinking of taking a count of my supps and having one glass of skim milk instead of a supp if it really looks like I could run out. I think that would be better than having all skim milk for three days, right?

bikipatra · by **bikipatra** » March 29th, 2007, 6:15 am

Have you tracked your order?

DogMa · by **DogMa** » March 29th, 2007, 9:06 am

Yeah, definitely track it and see. But if it isn't going to get to you in time, then yeah, I think replacing one supplement a day with the milk is a good idea, rather than having all milk for several days.

JonnaD · by **JonnaD** » March 29th, 2007, 9:23 am

I agree with Robin, you won't get enough nutrition from only the skim milk, so definitely space it out. It will make it easier for you to remain compliant also. Hope your order gets there soon.

nickieluv · by **nickieluv** » March 29th, 2007, 9:31 am

I can't track my order yet because it hasn't even been batched yet. I'm on BeSlim and although I moved my date as early as I could (the 1st of the month as opposed to the 3rd) because the 1st is a Sunday, it won't run until Monday, and then if it doesn't ship by Wednesday I'll be screwed over next weekend because of the holiday. If I did it any earlier I'd have had two orders this month and not gotten my discount. I had initially counted to the 10th of April to see if I had enough to get me that far - and I think at the time I was really close to having enough. But my cupboards look so bare I'm not sure. Then again, with my cheat I have about 5 extra meals I didn't have before so I'm probably worrying for nothing.

I'll do an official count tonight and hopefully I'll be fine. I'll just be having a lot of shakes and soup. Funny how what you think you like, you really don't, when forced to eat it. That's why on this order I got rid of everything I didn't absolutely LOVE. It's going to feel positively sinful - and you know, I think that's part of why I kept ordering things I didn't really, really like. Because a diet is supposed to be eating food you hate because you have to. I wonder if it will even feel like a diet when I look forward to every meal. I know my bars are a treat every day, and certainly don't taste like diet food. I bet my nieces and nephews would scarf them down like candy if I didn't tell them what they were. Not that they're getting any of my stash!

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