The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[bikipatra]

Wrong? Only according to the seven deadly sins. VANITY!
Really, it's fine Nickie I am the most vain person I know!

[JonnaD]

Nickie,

I kinda think the whole checking in the mirror thing will go away after you get used to your new look. It's like you are getting to know the new you. Think of all the time you have to make up from when you were avoiding mirrors.

I'm definitely ready to meet the new me lurking within my body.

[nickieluv]

Thanks, Biki and Jonna. I will go ahead and think that it will go away as the changes slow, and I start to get used to myself again. I used to barely give myself a second glance. Now I actually want to see what I look like. And even though I know that I'm still really overweight, I feel so much better that I have myself thinking I'm some kind of supermodel!

[JonnaD]

Wellll, you are super

[Pashta]

You deserve to be a little proud of yourself, you have worked hard to achieve it!

[ChynnaDoll]

Nickie, you should see my face..it is smiling from cheek to cheek as i'm typing...i can just FEEL the HAPPINESS coming from you...YOU should be proud!..you have done a FANNNNTASTIC job!!

I can't hardly wait to start buying smaller fitting clothes, then maybe i'll be wanting to look in the mirror more often myself!!

BTW, i love your new avatar:+)

Love,
Chynna

[nickieluv]

I feel old today. People have commented that with the new hair I look much younger. So I started wondering how old I looked before. And that makes me feel old today. I guess it is another good reason to lose the weight. I am only 28 but I probably look about 40 being so huge - at the very least, the clothes I had to wear were for a grandma! (No offense to grandmas everywhere - I know you can be a hottie grandma, but I'm going with the Aunt Bea visual here.)

I made myself some new charts last night. I took Tawanda's idea and made a BMI chart for myself, and a new graph, and color-coded them so I can see my progress on the graph through new categories. Right now I am still in the red - morbidly obese - but I am only a few pounds away from crossing over to the orange - severely obese. Still not good, but moving in the right direction anyway!

I am finally going to see my daughter today. She is already home with daddy and napping, and I hear she's been asking for me! It really is so nice to know she loves me. I'm sure she probably didn't miss either one of us while she was away - and she was heartbroken and screaming when she had to leave her aunt - but now that she's home she wants me to be there, and that's really sweet. I should get a good 90 minutes at least with her today - not nearly enough, but better than nothing. And I'm going to try to sneak out of work a few minutes early to get some more time at home before going out to rehearsal.

And speaking of rehearsals - I was very firm with the director of this upcoming summer show. I said I would be glad to make a rehearsal tape, but I was not going to be at dance rehearsals. I also said I would be rehearsing no more than 3 nights a week, and I would need to be done by 7:30 so I could put the baby to bed - and the baby will be coming to rehearsals with me most of the time. She's wonderful, so I know she won't be any trouble. She's used to sitting next to me on the piano bench while I play and rehearse in church. And my husband got approved for his temporary shift change, so all in all I feel MUCH better about this situation. And in July, I can be devoted to the show because I will be home with my daughter all day, and my husband will be with her at night while I'm rehearsing. I still don't really want to do it - but it's going to work out fine.

Work is going well lately, still. I feel a little lost with 1st grade because their show is over, and the Kindergarten and 2nd grade are just starting to work on theirs. But we are doing more with instruments now in 1st grade, and I know before I realize it the end of the year will be here. I am really looking forward to summer, but I am also looking forward to next year both at school and church, because I have a LOT of new ideas and plans.

I'm also still hoping next year will be my last year teaching for a while. I've got my husband on board to really get serious about a budget while we still have two incomes, and try to live as much as possible on only one and put the rest in savings, and pay things off. We are saving so much money already on food since we are both being faithful to a diet plan - there was no reason for us to purchase and consume the amount of food we used to. And even eating poorly, we managed to get by on $60 a week when I wasn't working. Yes, this means when I am not working I can't afford MF - but I am hoping to be at goal long before then, and do a good long transition. I know it's recommeded to use the products even at goal but being with my baby and future kids is more important to me, especially since I will be at a healthy weight and can learn to maintain it with common foods. Then again, who knows - maybe our financial situation will really improve in a year.

Well, I have twenty minutes till my next class and I haven't done any laps today - or yesterday - I'm feeling strange doing it now. No one cares but me, but it seems silly that I can only do 2 or 3 laps a day. I guess that's my old program of 'if you're not sweating and huffing and puffing it's not doing any good.' Or maybe I'm no longer satisfied with so little and I want to be moving more. That doesn't sound like me but lots of other things are changing, so maybe that is, too. It's supposed to warm up tomorrow so maybe I will try the outdoor path for a change, and get some fresh air and sunlight. I have to remember to start bringing socks and sneakers - laps in sandals or heels are no fun. I could probably leave a pair of each here in my room. Perhaps....

[nickieluv]

Well, I didn't remember to bring socks and sneakers to work, but I am definitely going to do my laps today. I don't know about outside, because I forgot to bring a watch and I'm afraid I'll be late for my next class after lunch, but I will walk. I'm thinking I should walk after school sometime to get a feel for the outdoor path and how long the laps take me - because I just never remember to wear a watch and if I let that stop me, I'll never get outside.

I have actually I think missed my laps - or at least the feeling I get when I've done them. And I'm hovering on the scale, up and down from 233.4 to 234.1. It's probably to be expected - more stress and later nights with the musical, not doing my laps, and my body has dropped 30 pounds pretty darn quickly, so I knew there had to come a time when it needed to regroup and take stock before moving on again. NO, I am not saying this is a plateau - and I don't even really feel frustrated about it, although I try to. Isn't that odd? I try to be ticked at the scale but I just don't feel it. I'm just having a slow week, and there's no doubt in my mind that eventually, if I stay compliant, the scale will move.

It really is pretty neat how easy it's become to stay compliant. I never believed anyone who said that staying 100% compliant from start to goal was possible. But now that I'm in the middle of it, it's hard to imagine why I would want to slow my progress by going off plan even for a moment. Even when I'm losing slowly, I'm still losing, and I know from experience that if I have a bad meal I will erase a week's worth of progress. Do I still secretly hope every Sunday I'll have lost 6 pounds that week? Of course. But I'm on my way. Every meal is one step closer to goal. I will get there, it's now a matter of when, not 'if.'

I think I remember saying I wanted to lose 30lbs by Easter and post new pictures - and Biki said it would be long before Easter. Well, she was proven right on that score. So now I'm going to say I want to make goal by Christmas - so Biki, chime on in and say it'll be long before Christmas, you seem to be good luck!

Well, I'm off to teach. I'm looking forward to a quiet night at home with the baby - no place to go, rehearsal was cancelled - time off for good behavior. Tomorrow is a conference day so low stress, and then two nights of performances for the show and it's over. Can't wait to get that check for my time - boy, it better have been worth it!

[bikipatra]

I'm pretty sure it's a plateau.

[nickieluv]

You are pure evil, Biki.

I did my laps and my leg muscles are actually twitching - I did 3 laps and I went a lot faster than I usually do. It still took me the same amount of time, so maybe it wasn't really faster, but it FELT like my legs were moving faster. Anyway, they've never twitched with my school laps before so I think I actually did some working out this time instead of just a stroll. It felt good.

Baby might be ready for her tricycle this summer, so if so I think I'll bring her down to the lake where they have a long paved path and I can walk while she rides. Heck, if she gets speedy, I may even have a little jog. I almost felt up to it today. Maybe it's just the sunshine and spring in the air - or the fact that I have tonight off - or the fact that I'm just really darn happy lately (underneath my depression - I've been in a bad mood for about a week and I think it's finally lifting, and deep down I'm a pretty happy person most of the time and I have a lot to be grateful for).

My life is changing. It's maybe not going as quickly as I'd like, but I can really envision my own ideal life coming to be. I know it won't look like Karli's or Jo's or Robin's or anybody else - but I think it will be just right for me, and my (present and future) children will have a happy, fit mother. I am excited to be at the beginning!!

[DogMa]

Well, as one of the people you mentioned, our lives don't look like each other's, either, so that's OK. I don't imagine my life is very similar to yours or Jo's or Lizabette's or even Karli's. We're trying to live OUR best lives, so making your own life as good as you can is the goal (and you're getting closer all the time).

I'm so glad you're enjoying the walks, though, Nickie. And it sounds like you're making so much progress in other areas, too: the food is under control, you're learning to ask for what you need (like with the play rehearsals), etc. Good for you!!!

[JonnaD]

Enjoy your well-deserved not off with your little girl.

[nickieluv]

Well, as one of the people you mentioned, our lives don't look like each other's, either, so that's OK. I don't imagine my life is very similar to yours or Jo's or Lizabette's or even Karli's. We're trying to live OUR best lives, so making your own life as good as you can is the goal (and you're getting closer all the time).

That's what I was getting at exactly. But for myself, sometimes I have to be really clear that there is not ONE correct answer, but many. I don't mean I have to run out and take an accounting class to succeed on this diet or anything, but I'm trying to ease myself into the idea that I can do what makes ME happy and is best for my family without comparing us to anyone else. And without feeling guilty.

You mentioned the play thing - that is totally new for me. I'm used to being the doormat and saying I'll do whatever whenever. Now my stock response to requests for my time is 'can you pay me?' Which probably seems really rude, but I just can't entertain the idea of doing something without knowing in advance that the time spent away from my family is going to benefit us in the long run.

Now with this play, since I already agreed to do it a long, long time ago, even though it's pro bono so to speak, I can't back out now. So the next best thing was to lay out what I could and could not do in advance. Which is probably just second nature for a lot of people. But for me, it made me feel bitchy and selfish and even in my messages to the director I couched a lot of apologies throughout. I'm very insecure, but I know that, and even though I probably never would have made these steps before I was a mother, now I HAVE TO do these things or I will miss my daughter's entire childhood just to be at other people's beck and call (is that right? Is it 'beckoned call' or something else?' I've never seen it written, only heard it said).

'Ask for what you need,' Robin said. Yes, I'm learning to do that. It's really, really hard. I feel that I'm not supposed to NEED anything. I am supposed to be everyone else's rock and always give, never take. If I ask for something, I am bad. I am weak and people will not love me. Don't ask me where I got that message - I don't remember being denied anything as a child. Maybe it was going through puberty fat - no one will like you, do for others and maybe you have a shot.

There's a little girl in this musical - well, she's on stage crew, and she's young but not little. She reminds me of me at her age. Well, she mentioned that she always gives her money to one or the other of the female upperclassmen. It broke my heart - because I know these girls and they're not bad girls, but they're teenagers and they are popular, and I doubt they have any idea how much this girl admires them and wants to be their friend. I remember at that age I just followed those upperclassmen around and if one even looked at me, I was writing about it in my diary for days. (OK, so I was boy crazy at a young age - actually, interesting aside, when I met my husband he was sharing an apartment with the first boy I ever had a mad crush on - how weird is that?!) So I told her to be sure they weren't taking advantage of her - not sure if she would know what I meant. And she said 'no, they never ask for it, I just go to them and ask if they need a dollar and then I give it to them.' She said it's a gift and no, they never pay her back. How do I deal with this? What can I say to this girl? I know for a fact her family doesn't have a lot of money (they are my next-door neighbors actually now) - not that these older girls do either, we're a high poverty area. Maybe I am just projecting my childhood emotions onto this situation and there is really nothing going on - but I couldn't help but feel that this younger girl is trying to buy friendship. And how long before she is trying to 'buy' attention and love from boys? She is one of these kids that will come to my door and stay for over 30 minutes, talking, and I actually have had to kick her out gently before because my daughter was headed upstairs on her own to take a nap, she got so sick of waiting for me. She's obviously so lonely. Her father is not around and her stepfather (or the mom's boyfriend, whichever) seems like a nice man, but it's not the same I'm sure. And I don't know what to do. Worse - honestly - I don't know how much I WANT to do. I say 'it's not my place' and things like that, but really it's just easier not to get involved. I recognize this in myself and again I feel horrible, because I feel like as a teacher I should want to reach out to EVERY child I come across who needs help.

Well, I don't know where I'm going with all this. But it's out there now. I have to get up extra early for this conference day tomorrow, so I'm headed up to bed. Thoroughly depressed again, by the way. I know you can't help everyone, but does that mean you shouldn't even try?

[Pashta]

I know you can't help everyone, but does that mean you shouldn't even try?

ALWAYS try. It's the right thing to do, it's good for your soul and the universe, not to mention the people you try to help.

[dede4wd]

Nickieluv,

I'm a little late and behind with my travels, I just wanted to pop in and tell you how beautiful you look in your new avatar photo!

Okay back to work now, just HAD to say that!

DeDe