The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[nickieluv]

Maybe I should dig out my pedometer again. I have one around here somewhere - unless I threw it out in a 'I'll never use it who am I kidding' rage - I get those every six months or so....

[MerryMary]

Hi Nickie

I've read about your ups and downs in your journal--So I'm happy that you are back in the groove of MF. You have even recommitted to the plan, but more importantly, you recommitted to yourself!

Now I feel like if I try, I will reach my goals.

Something you wrote really made me wonder ...

I owe my life to MF, and to all of you who are supporting me. What I have today is what I always could have had. I needed this journey to open my eyes to the possibilities of life that I have been denying myself. What I have is amazing. I am only just now appreciating it.

You are right ... the feeling you have now you could have always had. Why is it that you didn't feel that way before Do you think it could be because while you give credit to MF and the support of others that you are not giving yourself enough credit

What I hope is that you can find your strength within yourself. That is where it really is. MF and the support forum are tools--but within you, Nickie, is the strength, power and energy to see this program to your goal. You can do it if you believe in yourself--MF won't work unless you make the committment; all the support in the world won't keep you from going off plan.

Remember what you are feeling now, Nickie. You have the desire to be healthy, fit, attractive and active. Use the power of that desire whenever you are tempted to go off plan. Make it work for you ... don't let your fear of failure lead you to self-sabotage. You ARE in control.

Good Luck, Nickie ... and keep shakin' till all that's shakin' is gone!

Mary

[nickieluv]

...keep shakin' till all that's shakin' is gone!

I love it! I think I'll always have something shakin', though - that's just how I'm built.

I don't know - I do tend to minimize the role I have in things. I thought I was doing better about that, but having you point out the way I phrase things made me step back for a minute.

I know that I am doing the work. And I know that the minute I relinquish that control, and start to call this a miracle, or effortless, or lucky - or think I've got it down and don't need to think about it anymore - that is when my demons will resurface and I will start to have problems. Like last week's pizza. I wanted to test the waters and see how bad it would really be. It was bad. Now I hope I don't need to learn that lesson again and again.

No one here made these changes happen in my mind and heart - that was only me. But the guidance and advice I've gotten - I needed that to make this progress. I really do believe that. If, like Dorothy in Oz, what I needed was inside me all along, then this place has been my Scarecrow, Tin Man, and Cowardly Lion - showing me the path, keeping me safe so that I can discover what I need to learn.

I am conquering a lot of my fears. I can picture a thin life - and I'm not doing anything I'm afraid of in that picture. I am a loving wife and mother who smiles a lot. I have healthy, beautiful children and a devoted husband. I have family and friends all around me. I accomplish goals. I am someone other people look up to and respect. I am HAPPY.

My thin picture always used to include a lot of sadness - I was divorced because I was afraid if I lost weight, I'd have an affair. I had only one child - the light of my life - but not the big family I want. I was lonely and alone. I was poor in spirit and very sad. I don't see that person anymore. And I realize she was only a reflection of me. I was afraid that my fat was the only thing keeping me from being that very sad person - but in reality I was her already. I could not picture a better life, and when I thought of change it was always negative.

Now, reading my description of my new, happy, thin future life - I have those things already. All of them. ALL OF THEM. I have everything I want. Losing weight will only help me to enjoy it more. Losing weight is not the answer to all my problems. There's been a subtle shift. There's a difference between 'losing weight will make me happy' and 'being fat is keeping me from being completely happy.' Subtle, like I said - but different nonetheless. So now, instead of my fat being a shield, it is a barrier. One that I have to break down. And THAT, I can do. I WILL do it. I AM doing it, every day, and with every compliant meal - and with every self-loving thought and deed.

I feel so loved at this moment, writing these things. And it's coming from within me. I am proud of myself in a way that I haven't been for many, many years. I feel like I am on the path to really living, and not just existing. And I guess it is a little scary - but not nearly as scary as missing out. I am ready.

[nickieluv]

Well, I had a disappointment today, which I deserved. I was not perfect with my L&G last night. I did not have enough green. It just seemed like so much, so I only cooked half of it - but of course, cooked, it was much less, but I just went with it. Then I had too much lean by about 2 ounces. I counted it as a day of compliance but I am thinking I need to edit that entry, because I was not in the full spirit of compliance.

So anyway - I stepped on the scale and was down 2lbs. I weighed again to double check - up 2lbs. I weighed again and again - still up 2lbs. Took my shower, weighed again - only up 1lb. 1/10lb over ticker. But still, it must have been my portions being off. And I had my last two meals only an hour apart because I was planning to go to bed early. But then I didn't go to bed early. And I had some carbonated flavored water right before bed that supposedly had no sodium or calories but maybe that threw me, too.

I had those feelings of 'you have to be perfect on this thing, this is ridiculous, this'll never work.' Then I remembered Jo telling me once 'you don't have to be perfect, you just have to be patient.' So I am being patient. Maybe this is just a blip. I need to get my portions right tonight. Because last time I did this (just a 'little off' on my L&G) it snowballed over the next few days and became going off-plan for three weeks. That will not happen again - I've learned since then - but what I learned was to be vigilant and not let these things get away from me.

I have some food questions so I'm going to post on another board for those. I think I may have been doing something wrong with my portions based on another conversation that came up in women's health.

[DogMa]

Wow, Nickie, I read the first part of your post and was all set to tell you that you DON'T need to be perfect - and you went ahead and did it yourself. I think that's major progress.

[Carrie]

Hiya Nickie,
I feel your struggle and frustration. I think we both have a ways to go about learning that lesson of Jo's. Patience has never been my long suit. But we have to keep trying right?

[nickieluv]

I am really angry. I don't know why. These last two or three days I have been sullen and lashing out at everyone. I had no patience with my daughter last night - everything was just so frustrating, all night long, no matter what little thing it was. I went to bed early, got about 10 hours of sleep, and thought I would feel better today. But again, the littlest thing set me off and I had an argument with my husband. Then I just kept being mad. It's like I don't want to make up, I just want to be angry.

I was reading this week on here that as you lose weight, you release more estrogen that has been stored in your fat cells, and that can make your cycle off and increase PMS symptoms. So I'm angry about that. You're telling me that not only do I have to deal with my emotional eating baggage, but I also will have increased hormones causing me to have even more out of whack emotions?!??!?!

I so wanted to cheat and binge last night. I didn't. I had some MF soup instead of my L&G because if I had to face making a meal at that moment, I knew I would just order something. I wound up having a 6/0 day, plus a soy crisp snack. Yesterday and today I also walked on my lunch break - only 10 minutes, 2 brisk laps around the building. I thought that might help my mood - it hasn't so far. I am being miserable to everyone around me. And being at school, I of course have to hold it all in, so when I get home everyone suffers.

I have another 2 classes coming up now - and a meeting today - and another meeting at church tonight - and then choir rehearsal - long day, in other words. I just wish I weren't so miserable. I can't put my finger on it. I can't even take a guess. But at least I am not binging. It's not TOM. I'm not pregnant. But something is obviously up. I hope I figure out what it is before I do anyone permanent damage.

[Karli]

Hi, Nickie . You know, I have to say that I really feel for you on the long day thing... you can do it ! We both will .

Now, just a thought, but maybe you should let yourself "be with" the anger for a moment without trying to figure it out and without trying to stifle it. Just feel it, knowing your only purpose is to feel it (in other words, it is not about action based on that anger (not while you are feeling it anyway)), I have often found that when I do this, it passes. It resonates for a time, and then somehow I come to peace about it, and often the answers that I need are in that peace. But, I think you are trying really hard not to feel it (because you think that's not really allowed) and it's pissing you off even more.

Okay. I will be thinking of you today

Karli

[DogMa]

Good advice. It's OK to be angry at nothing - or at everything. There also IS something of a release - this forum! You can hold it in at school, but when you're on here, just let loose. Get it out. Say exactly what's bugging you, no matter what it is. Heck, you an always erase it later.

[Carrie]

Hiya Nik,

Well, I can certainly relate to the anger - as you can tell from my ranting journal these last few days!

I really, really had trouble there yesterday. I found I got very angry when I made the decision NOT to binge. I was pissed at myself for not letting myself 'use' the old fix. I had this horrible moment of clarity in the middle of it, that it is no different from any other addiction, I am absolutely no different than a cocaine addict staring at a line trying not to do it.

For me, I knew why I was angry. And I'm not real comfortable having to have all these pesky emotions and not being able to dump mountains of sugar and chocolate on them to cover them up. But I can tell you that I am starting to feel better today, my positive attitude is coming back.

And despite the days of teeth grinding, jaw clenching and white knuckles, I am so glad to come through it without having caved in. Now I can continue towards my goal without any lost ground or something else to feel bad about. (Next time I'm going through a bad patch - throw my words right back in my face ok? LOL)

Fight through it, I know you can do it, and try and keep in mind that this too shall pass, better days are coming.

[nickieluv]

I did apologize to my husband after work. And I only lost it with the baby once today, and it was mild. But I really don't want to be a loud, shouting mom. I'm going to go back to the counselor about that - I just need to make the call. And my long day was long, but everything went well and I felt that a lot was accomplished.

I don't know if I'm done being angry, but I feel a little better now. Tomorrow is Friday, that helps. And there are only 15 weeks left of school! I really do like my job, but I like being home more.

I have one more meal to get in - can't wait for the soup and crackers, I've been looking forward to it all night, as soon as I'm done here for the day. Then a nice night's sleep. And hopefully tomorrow things will be better. Karli is right, though - I don't like to be angry. I feel like it's wrong. I know that what is REALLY wrong is how I act on it, taking it out on other people. I mostly don't throw things anymore. But I had a really bad example growing up, I know that now and have admitted it. Anger meant yelling, slamming doors, throwing things, punching walls - but it was over as soon as it started. My dad got it out of his system and then everything was fine. So I don't hold grudges - but I need a better way to handle it. I'm essentially terrorizing my daughter and eventually she will be afraid all the time, wondering if she's going to get happy mommy or mad mommy today. I blocked all that out of my memories of childhood, but it was not fun, and I don't want to perpetuate that behavior.

But, that really doesn't have anything to do with WHY I've been angry, I don't think. Carrie, maybe it's what you've been struggling with - maybe I'm angry because I can't eat whatever I want. I don't know. But for now, I'm just going to go eat and then go to bed. Enough for now.

[nickieluv]

Doing well here. No cheats, despite my emotional mess this week. I'm still not sure what it was all about - and I'm not even sure it's over. But I have a theory that some of that anger was about my weight. I had been hovering for a few days - down a little, up a little - and I was being good, so it was getting annoying. But the last two days I've had a good loss both days. It just makes it easier to justify what I'm doing when I'm losing. I might be in the 230s by tomorrow. That would be pretty cool.

We are having friends over tonight. My husband is doing the low-carb thing, so he's getting pizza and wings for everybody and he can have the wings. I'm just going to have a shake or hot cocoa or something. And I'm going to save my snack of soy crisps in case I really need it tonight. This is a first for us because we never have people over. It's just going to be quiet - watch a movie or just talk, that kind of thing. It's just one other couple that we are always saying we should hang out with, but we never plan anything. AND - I actually set this one up all on my own initiative. I don't want to be such an isolated homebody anymore. I've already got plans for having people over in the summer when we can get outside. Hopefully this all will make my husband happy, too. He was never the isolated type, but he's had to be because of my issues.

I placed a BeSlim club order - so I am officially committed financially to this as well. And I can rest assured I won't run out of food. I've been without bars for four days and I miss my one bar a day! Maybe that's why I was miserable.

A little NSV last night - my engagement ring. The one I have now is actually my 2nd ring - the one we would have gotten if we had the money back then, etc. It's an 8.5, and really should have been a 9 if I was being honest with myself. Last night I was practicing the piano for church and my rings kept sliding all around my finger, and the diamond was facing down and knocking the keys sometimes. So out of curiosity, I put on my 1st ring, which was a size 8 - and it slid right on my finger, no problem! I have a ways to go still before I can wear that 8 on my right hand, which for some reason has always been bigger around, but someday it'll happen. I really do love my 1st ring, and have wanted it as a right-hand ring all along, but couldn't see having it resized. Although eventually I guess I'll have to get them both done, but I'll wait until goal for that. No sense in spending money more than once.

Well, time to eat something. Not sure what the afternoon will hold, or the rest of the weekend. I don't actually like that - I like to have everything planned. But I'm trying to go with the flow more.

[katieb920]

Nickie,

Have a great time tonight with your friends.

And way cool on the NSV

[Karli]

Hi, Nickie. I am glad you posted, I really wanted a fresh post from you and now I have one !! .

Well, it sounds like things are just plugging along. Isn't it funny how we start gaining courage and motivation to make all of the changes we want in our life ? Baby steps, of course. You will never regret becoming more social with the right (for you) people. And, I have realized that real friends truly do exist, and it's really fun !!

You know, I am glad your hubby has decided to make some changes in his diet as well, even though you are doing different things, you are kind of doing it together, too. And, just think, your motivation has probably helped to inspire that in him .

Also, I love your NSV. I remember my (humble) diamond sliding underneath my finger, too, and particularly with piano playing, it really annoyed me... hee hee. But, I will take it.


Cheers to you,
Karli

[MerryMary]

Hi Nickie!
I was happy to read your post. Sounds like you have made some positive strides even through a tough emotional week. That, my dear, is real progress! With weight loss as icing on the (proverbial) cake!

Have fun tonight--sounds like you have a meal plan that is going to work for you.

Love your NSV too! You deserve it!

Mary