The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[Karli]

Hi, Nickie. You know, you are okay. Something interesting is that I really don't feel alarmed by your post. I think you are just testing yourself a little, testing your boundaries, finding out what your own bottom lines are.

I have been amazed at the small amount of anything it can take to drive me into places I think I don't ultimately want to go, yet I seem to feel a carelessness or carefree sense about in the moment. And, wherever it is that we actually want to be, no matter where that is, there will *always* be reasons and excuses -- little or big, "legitimate" or foolish -- for not staying on that particular track. I think that life is about clarifying what it is that really matters to us, and learning how to not give reasons and excuses to live something different any power. I think it's a process of some sort for absolutely everybody.

By the way, what is it, exactly, that you feel you did wrong ? I just think it's interesting to find your own answer to that, it's the only one that will stick. You don't have to post what that is, but it's probably worth your own consideration.

Thinking of you,
Karli

[Karli]

Oh yeah, and Nickie, you do not *have* to start exercising after three weeks of being on plan. They simply suggest that you wait three weeks to let your body adjust before you do -- if you are going to. I didn't exercise at all to begin with, not even always a daily, mild walk, and I still lost a lot of weight during that time.

And actually, I am struggling right now because I want to exercise a lot and I just don't seem to know how to properly feed it with calories and carbs. So, I am in debate about that. If anything, we do mild stuff while on plan.

But, once we hit maintenance, the idea is to exercise just to stay active and healthy, not to try to drop weight and not even to try to keep it off. It's just good to get breathing and moving.

Anyway, I forgot to say that in my last post.

[nickieluv]

Thanks Carrie, Biki, and Karli.

I need to get over thinking I have to be perfect. That's what I think I did wrong - I made a mistake. And I wasn't tough with myself and I let myself do it. At least I think that's what I did wrong - maybe something else will come up as this leaves my system. I cheated myself out of what I really want, too.

Since I posted I've been watching a movie on TV (The Butterfly Effect, which I watched twice in a row when we first rented it and is still a really cool movie in my opinion) and drinking water - 67.7 ounces so far. And I weighed myself upstairs and I'm up 8 pounds. I know that will be different tomorrow morning - some. But I am happy that I have not made it worse. I considered having some of the other yummies in the house since I'd blown it anyway, but it was a fleeting thought. Maybe I *am* testing myself, to see how serious I really am about this.

Who knows - and I'm kind of tired of thinking about it at the moment - and I'm not looking forward to confessing to my husband because I don't think he'll understand. Heck, I don't completely understand yet.

Somehow I don't think I'll have the same difficulties tomorrow as I did last month. Difficulties, probably - I anticipate being hungry again, watching the clock for every meal, that kind of thing. I'll just have to see what happens. This did not have the franticness of my other episodes - Karli, since you mentioned that 'test' thing, I keep thinking about it. That will be something to ponder. But not tonight. I'm going to go finish my movie and have as much more water as I can stand before bed.

I'm glad you all were here tonight. I needed the human element. Thanks.

[bikipatra]

I have been amazed at the small amount of anything it can take to drive me into places I think I don't ultimately want to go, yet I seem to feel a carelessness or carefree sense about in the moment. And, wherever it is that we actually want to be, no matter where that is, there will *always* be reasons and excuses -- little or big, "legitimate" or foolish -- for not staying on that particular track. I think that life is about clarifying what it is that really matters to us, and learning how to not give reasons and excuses to live something different any power. I think it's a process of some sort for absolutely everybody.

By the way, what is it, exactly, that you feel you did wrong ? I just think it's interesting to find your own answer to that, it's the only one that will stick. You don't have to post what that is, but it's probably worth your own consideration.

Thinking of you,
Karli

Karli I aprreciate your clarity. Nickie there will always be an excuse to have a piece of pizza, for all of us. You have to want to be on Medifast more than you want to blame your father, husband or other people. One reason I don't like support groups is because they are always an excuse for failure. Well she didn't answer the phone, or posting didn't help, so here I go again. You are a grown woman and a pizza did not make you eat it. You wanted to eat it and that's just fine. We are dieters, we usually cheat. Some never, but most have, some more often. And some never make it back. That's the scary thing. I hope you can rededicate yourself to this tomorrow, stop projecting, stop thinking you have it "licked" and know it is one shake at a time, no matter how you happen to feel that day. You know why I am not eating pizza right now? Because I don't want to, I don't have to and I want Medifast more than momentary gratification. People do what they want and then make excuses later. Been my experience...

[nickieluv]

Well, the water was working - I drank 6 bottles and every time I peed I was down another half pound.

But, I ate more sugary stuff and drank some chocolate milk. I was doing really well and would have been very proud of myself for not making it worse. The 'I've already ruined it, what else can I have?' attitude was not held at bay all night long, though.

It's already after 2AM and I have to get up with the baby in about 5 hours. I'm going to go get some sleep. Tomorrow will probably be a rough day and I'm just making it harder on myself with every minute I stay up. I will nap with her tomorrow, though - that will be nice. I'm looking forward to doing that every day this week, although I am torn between napping and spending time with my husband.

He came home, saw the pizza, and didn't say a word. And when I told him there was pizza if he was hungry, he was very understanding. I guess I need to give him more credit. He wants me to do well and even though he probably has no idea why I keep doing this to myself, he has faith in me.

And I'm definitely weighing in the morning. I need to see what this has done to me. I'm sure it will be depressing and therefore, hopefully, teach me something I need to learn about restraint and entitlement and what those words really mean.

[bikipatra]

And I'm definitely weighing in the morning. I need to see what this has done to me. I'm sure it will be depressing and therefore, hopefully, teach me something I need to learn about restraint and entitlement and what those words really mean.

Not necessarily. I've lost weight after being noncompliant. I hope you rely on more than the scale to teach you those lessons. Those are hard lessons to learn and not just in terms of diets. Screw the pizza and chocolate milk. It was ONE day out of what will probably be a year of a diet. But, it will happen again and again if you are not committed to compliance. I had to learn the hard way just like you are doing, but dammit never had anything better than a jam sandwich and you get pizza!!!! It is just the easier way. Maybe it would help if you thought of yourself as an absolute beginner. It's about 5-1 and lots of water. THAT'S IT. No new and meaningful revelations about self required. No deep digging in old wounds. No philosophising. No stack of self-help books needed. Just Medifast and lose a ton of weight. Now doesn't that sound easier?

[Serendipity]

Nickie,

I think you've gotten very good advice here, but there a few things I feel the need to add, surprised?

In your first post, I saw you fluctuating between taking responsibility and making excuses. In your following post, you said "I'll just wait and see what happens". Eventually, if you want to succed on this program, you will have to decide that you have all of the control. It's your choices that will make you succeed or fail. Like biki said, it's not a blame game. Blaming outside influences don't make the results change either. That's why you have to choose to not let those influences govern you.

We will always have life problems.....always! There's never a good time to get in control of our eating. We just have to decide that our health and wellbeing are more important than stuffing our faces.

Don't just wait and see what happens. Be proactive. If you want to rebel, rebel against the status quo and begin dealing with your problems in other ways than with eating. It really can be done! My very dear mother in law became ill and subsequently died while I was on program. I sat with her, fed her, talked with her......every day for 6 months while I was on program. I watched her die while I was on program......so I know what I'm talking about. It was very painful. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do and one of the worst periods of my life. I never considered eating for comfort. Going through this time cemented my resolve instead of giving me an excuse to eat.

Until you decide that it's the most important thing, you will struggle.

I don't know about you, but I wanted to get to my goal using the shortest path possible. Since you have alot of weight to lose, you need to think about how these binges will lenghten your journey. Do you really want to prolong this?

Wow, I don't know where this rant came from. I started out by saying that I had one thing to add, lol, and had to go back and edit my first sentence. I hope you don't take this wrong, nickie....it's out of caring.

[nickieluv]

Jo, don't worry, I have learned that everything said here is out of caring.

I do know that I was in control last night. And I think a lot of what I listed had a part in my decision to binge - but it was my decision. No matter how tired I was or what was emotionally revealed to me, no one else dialed the phone and then put the food in my mouth.

I think I wanted to see what would happen. I had been good for so long and I felt really good and I needed/wanted to know what it would be like to go off-plan every once in a while. Only instead of just having a regular meal off-plan, which I obviously don't know how to do, I binged, which is what I'm familiar with.

I wanted to reach my first goal of onederland by our anniversary, 8/18. It was doable. I was even hoping for 7/4 actually. I figure with what the scale read today I have put myself behind a whole month. 2 weeks to lose what I've gained back, and then I will always be 2 weeks behind where I could have been on top of that. Biki I know I need more than the scale to teach me things, and I'll get into that in the next paragraph - but I'm glad I gained so much. It was painful to see a number I believed I'd never see again. Do I think I gained 6 pounds of fat overnight? No - at least, I don't THINK that's possible, but I did have a lot of calories last night. I'll still be pushing the water today and hoping for the best, but I needed to see numerical consequences.

Yesterday I also thought of how high-and-mighty I was with Karli about being so close to goal and then slipping because she felt threatened by being at her goal - and now I am eating my words. I lost a milestone number of pounds - 20 - and look how I reacted!

And I remember Biki's words about getting too well too soon. I got cocky. I basically threw out all my support because I knew what I was doing. Had my husband take all those books back. Talked about the counselor but dieting was not even an issue anymore. I even knew exactly what she meant when she said those words to me, but I didn't see that I was doing it until last night. I kept saying I knew I would have struggles but I didn't see how I could, I was in the zone! It wasn't even a diet anymore - I had changed for good. I am so thankful that I kept coming here every day, and didn't throw this board out, too.

Physically - I feel sick today. I had 6 bottles of water last night and even so woke up dehydrated. I had one more as soon as I woke up. Then I kept feeling like I was going to throw up - that is slowly going away, although I haven't had my shake yet this morning and I think it's going to be difficult to get it down - not because they taste bad, but because I feel so awful. It's like a hangover. I don't get hangovers from alcohol, but I've always had these symptoms from sugar/carb overdose. But they have not been THIS bad before - or maybe I'm just not remembering the unpleasantness.

So, what have I learned? I think I'm still learning it, whatever it is. But I am sure I will be on plan today - I will gauge the L&G by whether I think I can handle it by the end of the day without getting sick - and I'll be having all shakes. Which is a good thing actually because I have a ton of them and was running out of the other stuff anyway. I think later on I'll post some of this on the main threads somewhere because I know not everyone stops by the journals. I have to learn things the hard way but I'm sure someone out there might benefit from this besides me - and I do think I will benefit in some way.

[bikipatra]

Nickie, I am so glad you are back on plan and seemed to have learned some things about yourself. Most of that 6 pounds is water weight because carbs make your body retain more fluids. So don't focus so much on that as you do compliance. Good luck. You can do because you already have!

[Karli]

Hey, Nickie. Just wanted to check in. I don't really have much to say, though I have a lot of stuff that I am thinking and so on. Most of it, though, I would rather you just get to see for yourself as you go through your day and week. And, I just know you will.

So, take care and know that we are thinking about you and that we are here for you .


Cheers,
Karli

[Tawanda]

Nickie, it sounds like you've made some big discoveries and will continue to do so while you mull over what happened. Renew your resolve, commitment and move on from here. I've appreciated and learnt from what has been shared by everyone in the last 24 hours. You can do this!!

[nickieluv]

Ugh!

I haven't done anything non-compliant but I am really struggling right now. It's time to eat and I'm hungry but nothing looks good - you know the feeling? And I feel so hungry that I don't think anything will satisfy me, so I'm looking at everything in the fridge and cupboards.

Ironically if I'd started defrosting my lean when I first was having these feelings, I'd be eating by now.

I walked myself away from the fridge empty-handed, even of compliant fare, and sat on the couch and actually talked out loud to myself wondering what I really wanted and why I would not let myself be thin. I happened to see I had a voice mail so I checked it, and that led to a couple of phone calls I had to return, and now I'm here.

I have not had only shakes today - after 12 came and went I was hungry again, although I wasn't all morning. I still have two meals to get in, too, because I went almost 4 hours this morning between my first two. So I know I was setting myself up to get this hungry now. I am going to finish this up and go make some oatmeal - that's filling usually. And I'll probably have my L&G as my last meal of the day, then.

I just have to get through tonight. Tomorrow is another day and right now I just have to focus on the next few hours. Two compliant meals. It will be enough food. I will feel comfortable and full. I do not need food to make me complete.

And I must not forget how cocky I was before. I still have my same issues - I only put them on hold before. I think that's what I wanted to test - would food still affect me the same way. At this point, it does.

I confessed to my husband, and now I confess here, that I have 40lbs gone as another goal in my mind and another time I will go off-plan again. I don't know if I'm thinking that just to get me through these next few days, or if goals like that are necessary for me to stay compliant as long as it takes to get there. Or if I'm planning it in advance so as not to be taken by surprise when I get there and possibly have these feelings again about food.

I also want to say something about my 'wait and see' attitude. I know that may seem like giving up, or not caring. But I tend to be so detail-oriented and think so far in advance, that sometimes it really is healthier for me to say that I will wait and see so that I don't get so tied up in minutiae. So I am going to finish out tonight, and wait and see how I feel tomorrow. That doesn't mean if I feel like tacos I'm going to go get some. It just means, like Scarlett O'Hara - I can't think about that today, so I'll think about it tomorrow. Because, after all, tomorrow is another day! (Is that the corniest ending line to the best movie ever or what? I always was so disappointed in that ending but I *love* GWTW.)

[Serendipity]

Nickie,

Maybe you could plan to reward yourself in other ways. You don't need to use food and other rewards last much longer. Take a short trip, buy a nice outfit, a piece of bling.....get creative!

[Carrie]

Hi Nik,
Please let us know how you're doing......I'm thinking of you

[nickieluv]

Last night was tough, but I was compliant and then today was much easier. When I weighed in this morning I was down 3 pounds - back in the 240s and grateful for that.

I was afraid that today I would have wild cravings and just be off the wall - but I wasn't. I was busy today with two toddlers - babysitting a friend's son - and I had a meeting with the pastor and then Ash Wednesday service this evening - I am just now getting online for the first time, and then I'm hoping to go to bed early and do some reading. I love to read and have been wanting to lately, but didn't think I had any mindless fiction to amuse myself with - and then an e-mail from my little sister reminded me of a book I had borrowed from her (Prey by Michael Crichton) so I'm looking forward to starting that.

I still have not exercised. Is it copping out to say I'll listen to my body and start when I feel ready? Is it cheating to not exercise at all right now? I dislike it but I know I should do it - but if I don't have to, I don't think I'm going to, however if it's going to cause me guilt I'd rather not deal with that so maybe I should be exercising. It's all set up for me to start - it's a big hurdle, though.

Rewards - last time I started this, in July I think it was, or June, I made a chart with a reward for every 5 pounds lost. I still have the chart, and am using it. It will take me to 199 and then I'll have to make a new one. There are things on it like salon trip, new pair of shoes - and my husband made me up gift bags with scented soaps and perfume and little knick-knack things, too. I love that chart. I don't know why having to use food every 20 pounds popped into my head. I am hoping that by the time I reach 40 pounds gone (and after 6 weeks of compliance now for Lent) that I will have changed my mental tapes some. Honestly, I felt so miserable physically and emotionally after doing that to myself on Monday, that I think the odds are in my favor to not do it again.

It's not the worth the risk to cheat. Last month, it threw me for weeks. This time, I got right back on - but yesterday was touch and go for a while. I could easily have eaten off plan again and again and again just like before. I don't know how exactly I found the strength to stop myself and do the right thing - what combination of factors or what lesson I learned to keep me on the straight and narrow. I'm glad I did.

I need to learn how to have a real meal. Not a diet meal, but a real maintenance meal. I need to learn that indulge does not mean stuff yourself. I mean, come on, the pizza only tasted good for three or four bites. Can't that alone be an idulgence? Bad example, maybe. It's something I have a lot of time to think about, though, because maintenance is certainly not right around the corner.

Anyway, I've made it through one day and will make it tonight - and now I have committed to myself that I will make it to Easter without cheating. It really isn't as hard as I'm making it, this avoiding cheating thing. I went three weeks with minimal struggles. I just have to be vigilant. I let myself be weak and I condoned my self-sabotage - I can't let myself down like that again.

I was thinking today about the blame game discussed earlier. I just want to clarify that I know what I do is my fault. I'm not saying that because daddy yelled at me I deserve pizza. By listing the factors that I think contributed to my binge, I'm just trying to make myself aware so that I can avoid it and control it next time. This whole journey is about control for me - where to exert it, where to let it go. I'm not about to give up what is rightfully mine, no matter how much I may despise responsibility sometimes.

Thanks for caring and wondering how I was. I am really, really proud to report that I am on day 2 of compliance and looking to set a new record for myself there. I broke the cycle of binging. Now I just have to figure out how to stop it from starting in the first place. And how not to pass this behavior along to my children.