The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[nickieluv]

The appointment went well today. It was kind of funny at the end, actually. We talked about my anger issues (which have been better this week) and decided my hair-trigger was related to fatigue and stress. She had closed up her little book and I'm pretty sure she was about to say she didn't think I needed to come back again - and then the 'real' issues came out, right at the tail end. Kind of out of nowhere. Here are my two main problems:

1 - I think I am a terrible person. No one likes me unless I do things for them and sacrifice everything myself. By being so giving, hopefully I can fool people into thinking I am not so evil after all.

2 - I don't believe I deserve anything nice. When there's something I want, or want to do, I have to manipulate things to make it look like it's really for someone else. Because it is not OK for me to want things. I should be devoid of needs and exist only to satisfy the needs and wants of others.

I don't really know where all this came from but she assures me we can fix it. It will just take time and I have to be willing to make the effort. But the funny part was, she was all set to usher me out the door and proclaim me healed, and when this came out in the last five minutes she suddenly grabbed a card, opened her appointment book, and now I have another appointment in about 4 weeks. Sooner would have been better, but the next three weeks are crazy because my next musical is finishing up on the 17th of May. So the 21st I'll go again and begin the process. I don't know if I quite believe that I could change these beliefs. It's going to be a lot of hard work, that's for sure.

I am not on the diet today but it is becoming more and more a part of my thoughts. I'm evaluating myself daily and seeing where I'm at. I may start Monday - or tomorrow. It's actually a great time to start because I'm going to be busy every day for the next three weeks, so I won't have time to sit home and think about cheating. Three weeks is enough time to get me pretty solidly past the cravings. So I'm seriously thinking about it. I very much want to get some solid weight loss before we go back to Florida. I hesitate to think in terms of how much weight it's possible to lose - I just want to lose something in the next four months instead of maintaining or gaining.

Well, that's all for now. Off to read the rest of the posts....

[oksoonergirl26]

It sounds like you are doing much better. Once you can get a handle on what makes you tick, it's much easier to manage everything in your life. I had to have some professional counseling to help me come to terms with some of the same issues you have: not feeling deserving of anything, always trying to please others, and my biggie-fear of failure. If I think I can't succeed, I won't even try. So just keep up with counseling and being good to yourself!

[nickieluv]

Hmmm - going OK. I yelled at the kids in the musical today. It was freeing to know I was essentially a volunteer there and so I could speak my mind and no one could fire me. I didn't go nuts - they were just driving me crazy, not paying attention, not even putting forth effort - so I let 'em have it. And you know, they did do better for the rest of rehearsal. I had a few tell me that they really had been working hard on their own. And at the end I told them I was only hard on them because I know they can do it. It's really a compliment that I have such high expectations for them, because I know they can reach those heights. Not sure if they bought it but what the hell, it's only a couple more weeks and then who cares? Yeah, I know, bad attitude. It's just hard for me to care as much as I used to - I'm tired of putting in all that effort for kids who seem to care less whether they do a good job or just 'have fun.' I know the director is on the same page with me so maybe the kids needed to hear that it wasn't just her getting frustrated with their attitudes. I'm just not a fan of teenagers I guess. Heaven help me when I have two of my own in the house....

Interesting thing happened the other night. Interesting to me, anyway. I was up late watching TV (no surprise there) but I actually dozed off on the couch, which I never do. So I was talking to myself about going to bed and I told myself that I could just go right upstairs and drop into bed. Well - I couldn't do it. I HAD to floss, rinse and brush. I did not feel right going to bed without doing that. It got me thinking.

A couple of weeks ago I read about something called a 30-day trial - a system where you make a change for 30 days, power through it, make yourself do this thing every single day, and by the end of the 30 it should start to feel automatic. Well, that night was my 25th night of flossing. It's become a part of my routine, something that I have to do before I can sleep. It's been instilled as a habit. Sure, there might still be days when I have to force myself to do it, but overall skipping the floss is not an option. My momentum is headed in the direction of flossing rather than not.

So my thought is to try this 30-day trial idea with Medifast. It's going to be harder, because MF is an all-day thing, not just one choice you have to make before bed. It's a whole series of daily choices. I've been trying to think if I can make it simpler to start - like say nothing but MF before 3pm - but I don't want to waste money on the products by not using them 100% of the time. So I think I have to dive right in. And maybe it's not wise to start on a Friday (which will be May 1st) but on the other hand, that might be the perfect time - because I'll be busy and maybe less likely to cheat. But honestly, I don't think it matters what I'm doing or how busy I am - if I'm going to cheat, I'll find a way no matter what. And if I'm determined to stick with it, I'll find a way to do that no matter what, too.

Anyway, I'm psyching myself up for a Friday start. I have two more days to make peace with the idea. I know I want to start. Well, no I don't. I want to lose weight, though, so I have to make a decision and get moving. And if I can power through the month of May and stay on plan, then maybe June can be the month I tackle exercise. But let's not get too far ahead of ourselves, shall we?

[katieb920]

Hey girlie.....

Wanted to say Good job on the Flossing HA!!!!!!

I am on week 3 right now. And I could not feel any better..... Heres the thing. When I usually start medifast I always start on a Monday no matter what. This time I started on a friday. And you know what changing things up I think really helped. Because when I would start on Monday by friday I wanted to cheat really Bad. But when I started on friday. The following friday all of the cravings were gone.

Glad you posted..... I miss you around here.

[nickieluv]

Thanks Katie - that gives me some hope. I would usually start on a Sunday, Monday, or Tuesday - yeah, I've had a lot of starts! - and absolutely by Friday I was feeing I deserved a break or really needed a calorie boost or something ridiculous like that. I will be starting on Friday for sure now because you've encouraged me to think it might work this time!

[nickieluv]

So somewhere I lost a day - I thought today was Wednesday but it's Thursday, and that means I'm starting tomorrow. I'm a little apprehensive. I thought I had two days to go and it turns out it's tomorrow! I might just squeeze my way over to Saturday....

[nickieluv]

Deep breath - I'm starting tomorrow. And just so you know, I'm staying away from the forum for those first few days. I'm trying to do things differently this time to see if it sticks better - starting on a Saturday, staying off the boards (and as a result, I hope, not talking or thinking so much about food) for a few days until I'm feeling fewer cravings and hunger pangs.

Wish me luck!

[nickieluv]

I just thought people might be sick of me always being off instead of on. I wonder if I hold the record for being here the longest while not on plan? Not counting Robin and Lauren, who are holding the honor in a good way since they are maintaining.

Waiting now until after the show. I'd probably just give up altogether if I weren't embarrassed to go back to work having lost zero baby pounds - and in fact, put on another 15 or so. So 13 weeks starting on the weekend - not sure what day. I'm going to do the plan and three or four little 10-minute bursts of exercise throughout the day.

I've been watching "Cook Yourself Thin" and it's given me some hope for my next pregnancy. That I could follow those recipes and do a lot better job with my food choices and pounds gained next time. Unless I kick some serious butt before August I am thinking about waiting another year on that score. I'd still have time for a 4th before I turn 35 - although hubby is very set against a 4th, I have not given up hope. But I definitely want to be done by 35. Then my kids will all be finished up with undergrad work by the time I'm ready to retire. They can pay for grad school on their own, the little devils.

It does take some pressure off. Although if I didn't know it was impossible I'd be buying a PG test this week. 5 days late. But the fluctuations are not unusual for me since the last baby. And like I said, it's impossible. Not even a smidgen of a chance this month. Zero activities.

Well, that's me. I've been lurking and reading but had nothing of interest to report. I feel like I could stick to plan better if I was working and if that turns out to be true come September, then I will for certain stick with it until my final goal before making any family planning decisions. But first I have to make it through this week, get my head on straight, get my ducks in a row, and just get over myself and start already.

[dede4wd]

Hi Nickie,
Just catching up. You've really inspired me with the 30-day thing...I'm trying two...flossing 2x a day AND 12 minutes of exercise every day! I made a dorky little calendar! Thanks for the idea! Hope all is well and good luck with the play!

[nickieluv]

Hi Dede! Nice to 'see' you again.

The play is over - I'm going to try something tomorrow. My motivation to be on is always really strong at night just before I go to bed and first thing in the morning - not so great mid-day. So tomorrow I'm going to take the girls out to the library, and I'm going to get a junky lunch if I'm in the mood, and then I'm going to be on the rest of the day. Maybe if I am on all evening, and then all the next morning, I might feel I have a bit more momentum to get me through the afternoon and on to the next day.

It's worth a shot.

Another counseling appointment on Thursday - only my second, since my schedule was so swamped with the musical. I am interested to see how this whole 'working on me' thing actually works. I can't quite see how a lifetime of (negative) opinions and attitudes about myself can ever be changed. It will not be easy I'm sure.

I ordered a discount bathing suit (under ten bucks, plus thirty percent off) in a size 18 and a similar one in a size 16 just to show my good intentions for this Florida trip.

Not doing so well on the flossing this month - my gums were looking much better but still hurting, so I started taking a day off a couple of times, and then.... But I'm still flossing more than I'm not flossing in any given week. I just have to get myself going to bed earlier and not making tiredness my excuse for not doing it. This is so like me. When I decided flossing was important, I did it even if I was up until 3am. It didn't matter if I was tired or not. This is just a little metaphor for my diet.

I just want to feel better for Florida. I can't make any grandiose goals like being under 200 in 90 days - possible for a guy, but not for me. I need to focus on eating right and exercising, not on trying to get blindingly fast results. Because wanting the impossible has led me to be afraid to even try, and I have gotten nowhere.

So I am not thinking about the next 90 days, or 30 days even. Just tomorrow. I will have a shake for breakfast, whatever I'm in the mood for at lunch, and then finish the day with shakes. By the time lunch rolls around the next day I'll have 24 hours on plan and hopefully that will help.

I can do this if I really want to. It's not so much being thinner that I think about nowadays, when I think about being on MF. I miss the thin FEELING more than anything. Feeling light, energetic, positive. Not weighed down by digestion.

Off to read the rest of the new posts (not too many, you quiet forum you!) and I will check in before the weekend with good news.

[DogMa]

OK, so here it is, Friday afternoon ... where are ya, Nicks? How's it going??

[nickieluv]

I am mad and - well, mostly just mad. Not sure at what - me, probably. But the anger (and some fear) have gotten me on plan today and although I have thought about food a little bit, I just have to jiggle my fat rolls and I suddenly lose my appetite.

Nicer weather, a huge number on the scale today, just feeling generally yucky all the time - these are helping me get on track. I asked Unca to take away all my 'clubbiness' because I am actually starting to day at about 7 pounds above my weight when I started MF the first time way back when. I think it will be humbling, but then also exciting to see myself climb back up the ladder of pounds lost.

I was in major denial. I have gained almost 20 pounds since February. And yet I had convinced myself that I was just 'fluctuating' and that eating whatever I wanted worked perfectly to maintain my weight. Seeing that horrible scary number this morning, I had to admit that the general direction of my weight is moving higher and higher, not even close to maintaining.

I'm going to try not weighing in all week and see if I can keep that angry and scared feeling - use it to my advantage to stay on plan for the week. I kept putting off starting, and I was this close to saying I'd just start in September. I'm not sure how I will pay for food in July and August, but something will come along to help me out. My husband is working a lot of overtime right now so maybe if there's extra money I can stock up ahead of time for those two months.

So I am avoiding all food. Having just shakes this week, not even any bars unless it's an emergency out-of-the-house situation - to keep me full, flush me out, and get me steady. I'll go back to L&G when I feel ready - but I just KNOW that if I try to eat 'real food' today it will send me right off plan in a hurry. It always has the last few months.

Back on. Can't wait to post at roll call next week. I deserve to feel good about myself. This will help. (And water - I'll have to get back into that habit I guess.)

[DogMa]

All I can say is good luck, Nickie! I know you CAN do it, so I hope this time you DO do it!!

[dede4wd]

Go Nickieluv! You can do it! Let's get this done!

[sidrah]

I was thinking the same thing. I had one option as doing all meals just for a week or so to get back into it. I might still do that and if not just buy some chicken and canned vegetables. You never know if that is the one thing you need to jumpstart things. Water and shakes. If you do that, at least make them taste good and all chunky and cold. Add extra water and ice and make the drink last, even if it is the RTD, I still put them in a blender and add ice and flavoring. Wash it down with ice water and you'll definitely be full. Plus, all that soy is a good thing for the heart!

Worry about those 2 months when they come. See where you go in the meantime. Easier said than done, but it is getting none of us anywhere by beating ourselves up and moving further from where we need to be because we are mad at how we did things. I know it is hard, but you know you'll feel better by July and can make better decisions by then. Put a few dollars away ever night and who knows? Maybe by the end of the month you will have the extra 100 bucks to buy a little more to keep going. Plus, you save all that money on eating out.

If nothing I have learned to worry about now now and later later. Planning is good, but over planning to the point of worrying is not going to get you where you need to go either. Things seem to have a way of working out.