The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[nickieluv]

OK - possible issue approaching and I need to get my mind strong about it.

I did not want to weigh in today after the great number I saw yesterday - I woke up hungry and with a dry mouth, so I figured I was dehydrated and my number might go up, which I didn't think I could deal with. But I felt stronger later on (after actually getting out of bed) and did weigh in, and I saw an even BETTER number - uncharted territory.

Now this made me feel good, but it also scared me. I know that I can get very hung up on the numbers, and I don't know if I step on tomorrow and see a gain (which I know is possible even when fully compliant) if I can take it and still stay on plan. So the answer would be not to weigh in, I think until Sunday. But I'm not sure if doing that will lead me to go off because I have a few days to make up for it.

In the past this is when I would 'celebrate' with some food. I'm not really feeling any temptation to do that - I'm just trying to recognize that in the past, having success has been a trigger for me to overeat. Awareness is the first step and all that jazz. After writing this out, I think I will just go about my day and see how I feel in the morning. If I think I can't handle whatever number I might see, I'll stay off the scale. I am hoping that by writing about it I have taken the power away from this trigger in some way.

On the plus side, even if I wanted to cheat, I can't today. I'm going to be safe at work and then at church until 9:30 tonight finishing up my last project from last week. I packed enough RTDs and my L&G, but I'm going to alter the spacing so that I can have my hot cocoa (quickly becoming a ritual) when I finally get home.

I want to succeed. But I realize today that I'm still afraid of that. But I'm pretty sure I can stick up for myself against those bad voices and do what I need to do. The last month of soul-searching is not going to have been in vain!

[DogMa]

Sounds like you've got it pretty well figured out already. I'd weigh, personally, but that's because I'm compulsive about weighing. I also don't let the numbers freak me out, though. I think by tracking my weight daily and seeing all the fluctuations, the numbers have somewhat lost their power over me.

As for being afraid of success, I understand. At the same time, as one who has reached maintenance, I do want to tell you there's nothing to be afraid of. Nothing has really changed all that much for me. My life is the same, except I'm more active now (OK, and I'm dating, but that's not really something that's going to change for you, I hope!) and I'm less self-conscious in public (although I'm also still working on that; I have to do a lot of self-talk to NOT be self-conscious about doing things like eating a treat in public). But I'm still the same person I was when I started, and I still have the same emotional issues I had. Even the dating thing - it's my choice. I could also choose to NOT date and NOT get attention from men, depending on what I do and how I dress and things like that. It's all my choice, but now I HAVE the choice. I guess that's the REAL difference between when I was fat and when I'm thin: Now I have choices.

[nickieluv]

Thanks, Robin. I really enjoyed reading your post. Somehow I felt calmer as you told me that nothing has changed much. I have put so much stock in this fat, and given it so much power, that I really have believed it affects everything in my life. Now you are helping me to think that it doesn't, really. I'll still be married, I'll still be a mom, still have a job - and most assuredly, still have my emotional baggage (or at least whatever's left by then - I am planning to stick with the counseling for quite a while and hopefully lighten my load there, too). I've been feeling like everyone will treat me completely differently - but that's probably not true, other than maybe getting some comments on my progress here and there along the way. Essentially, I will be the same person, fat or thin. I will only LOOK different. I will only FEEL physically different. If a change I can look forward to is being less self-conscious, then that is only good news!

The only person who might treat me differently is ME. But that doesn't even have to be true, either. I can start right now to have a better relationship with myself, and I think I already am making those kinds of steps.

Fat is just fat. It's not ME. I will still be the same great person - or better - at 140! By losing half of my BODY, I am not losing half of MYSELF.

Robin, you should see the huge grin on my face right now. If I weren't at work I'd even be crying. I believe you've helped me hit on one of my biggest fears, and it isn't even one I realized I had until you made me think about it. Thank you!!!!!!

[DogMa]

I'm glad I could help. I think a lot of people get scared about what losing weight can mean. But it really doesn't have to change things much. (Heck, if you wear baggy enough clothes, people don't even necessarily notice.)

I DO like not feeling so self-conscious about things, though. I mean, I still DO at first, but I find myself doing a lot of self-talk. Lately I keep reminding myself of that nurse's comment, "How do you eat so much and stay so thin?" Because apparently people are NOT looking at me and thinking, "No wonder she's fat. Look at what she's eating!" (Of course, they probably never WERE. But that's another issue.)

[Serendipity]

Nickie, You speak like those "bad voices" are another entity......and that they do things to you making you the victim. You have control of your choices......you are giving your alter ego so much power and your alter ego is like a little kid saying I want candy, I want candy.

Maybe when you're tempted to eat, you could try being a parent to your alter ego and just say no, it's not good for you!

Re: Changes - There will be lots of changes if you lose weight, but I'm here to tell you they are 99.99% great! Nothing to be afraid of and everything to look forward to.

[nickieluv]

...apparently people are NOT looking at me and thinking, "No wonder she's fat. Look at what she's eating!"

Do you know how often I've thought people were doing that? That's why I hate to eat in public, and often never took food to work, either. The last couple of days, having my L&G at work, I thought about taking it down to the faculty room and socializing (it was only salad with chicken strips, perfectly normal food) but part of me thought someone would think "who is she kidding, that's not what she usually eats, or she wouldn't be so fat." I do realize that my eating habits are not the focus of anyone else but me, but those thoughts do come up from time to time.

I almost sabotaged myself today. I worked through all my breaks today, trying to finish that piano project so I could come home early to be with my daughter (now running a fever, and nose leaking like crazy), and as a result I arrived home having had only 2 supplements when usually I've had 4. Those Oreos looked really, really good. But I had a hot cocoa. Then only about an hour later I had my L&G, because I really let myself get too hungry. Then I had two diet sodas until my next supp, which was two hours later. I'm back on schedule now, and nothing bad passed my lips - not even pickles - and I really feel good about that.

I think it's good for me to have tempting foods in the house. I mean, being able to look at the Oreo package gave me something concrete to focus on, and it was easier to see it and not have it, than it would have been to stand in front of the fridge and cupboards wishing something would magically appear. I'm not going to go buy stuff just to stare at, though - no need to play with fire - but as long as it's here, it's handy.

I did weigh in this morning, too. Up a touch, but I handled it fine I think. I didn't get too much sleep, though, and I'm starting to feel that enough water and enough sleep are crucial. On that note, I should probably drink my last two bottles of water before bed, since I was off-schedule at work today. So I guess that is all for now.

Oh, and to Jo - I do like to think those voices are not me, because I don't like them and don't want to own them. But I am trying to talk back to them - I think it will be a long struggle, but as long as I can keep being stronger than that 'inner child' then I believe I can teach her boundaries. Like all kids, I'm sure she wants limits and is disappointed deep down when I give in.

Oh, and I can't believe I forgot about this - sorry to anyone who thought I might be somewhat brief for a change - I spoke with my husband last night about my breakthrough from Robin's comments, and the responses I got on my other thread asking about going off plan. He said that whatever I decide is best for me regarding this diet, he will go along with. I told him that if I am compliant then it is very possible that in 12 months I could be at or very close to my final goal of 140. So I am going to see how things unfold, but I am now considering the idea of staying on plan for as long as it takes to get to goal, rather than taking a break to have a baby. I dodged a lot of bullets last time - no gestational diabetes, no high blood pressure - but there's nothing to say I'll dodge them this time, or that just being 'obese' instead of 'morbidly obese' is good enough. It's a big step for me, thinking about altering my plan, because I put a lot of thought and stock in its importance. So that's just another thing milling around in my mind now, too.

Alright, I'm really going now. I'm not sure about the water but at least I'll have a shake now - maybe I'll make it with extra water. I have permission to order more food, too, so I can't wait to do that tomorrow! Chili, beef stew, bars - mmmmmmmm!!!!!

[nickieluv]

Okey-do - had a good night last night, decided to place my order before going to bed. Did not weigh in this morning, not for any real reason, just didn't take the opportunity - so I am looking forward to a quiet, compliant day at home today and then my first compliant roll call in a while tomorrow morning. Perhaps that first club is in my future....

[bikipatra]

Okey-do - had a good night last night, decided to place my order before going to bed. Did not weigh in this morning, not for any real reason, just didn't take the opportunity - so I am looking forward to a quiet, compliant day at home today and then my first compliant roll call in a while tomorrow morning. Perhaps that first club is in my future....

I hope so! It was an exciting moment for me! Best of luck!

[DogMa]

You're doing great, Nickie. I'm so proud of you. And I wouldn't worry about the scale. Weight fluctuates - for all you know, you were down every day EXCEPT that day.

But yes, water and sleep ARE crucial. I always bounce up a bit when I'm running on too little sleep.

[bikipatra]

But yes, water and sleep ARE crucial. I always bounce up a bit when I'm running on too little sleep.

Oh, good you said that. I will use that as an excuse tomorrow!

[nickieluv]

Well, today was rough. Of all my goals the only one I met was staying compliant. But that's a good one.

I was just bored, and all the things I needed to do weren't anything I wanted to do. I did have all my supps, on a decent schedule. And I got in 48oz of water, one diet soda. I may have another bottle of water before bed. I did have one snack - two pickle spears - I nibbled at them and they lasted almost 25 minutes in between supps 2 and 3. I didn't do much of anything other than comfort the baby and watch TV - which was nice, but I certainly didn't accomplish anything.

I ordered soy crisps and crackers this time - I've never tried them before. I thought I'd gotten enough food to supplement what I have and last 5 weeks - but every box I opened today had only 1 or 2 shakes left in it, and I thought they were all full. I should still have enough for 4 weeks from today, though. I forgot to order any more RTDs - I was going to get just one case for emergencies - but I ordered bars instead so they should be just as convenient. I know, only one a day. I'm mainly looking forward to the quasi-real food - I used to love the chili and the minnestrone, and I think it will easier to not cheat with those legal things around. Although I think my whole attitude has undergone a readjustment - I've been compliant for longer than ever before. Even though I had previously counted my last record as a week, in that 7 days I had eaten out and had the incorrect veggies, with butter, and I also had the pickle binge. So this really is the longest I've ever gone - probably on any diet.

I tried N/S a long time ago and I used to eat all the desserts for the whole month in the first week. That's why I didn't want to get bars right off the bat, because I remember them being really good. But with this order, I felt like there wasn't the risk I thought there would be initially. I just need to do this. I did the math, and if I can manage to average 10 pounds a month by staying completely compliant, then by 2008 I could be at my lowest goal of 140 (although I don't think I've ever actually weighed that much, so maybe I should make my goal 145 and see how I feel when I get there. A lot of people have been lowering their goals as they get closer, and I'd feel more positive doing that than 'quitting' early, which I know is how I would look at it. But, I have lots of time to decide.)

I am starting to gain confidence in myself. I did not cheat on Friday, even though I was alone the whole evening. I did not cheat today, even though I felt extremely hungry all day long. I just did what I was supposed to - drank some water, had that one snack, and chewed gum. I would think after 6 days I would be in ketosis, but I feel I was probably dealing with emotional hunger from the boredom rather than real hunger. It's going to be an adventure learning to tell the difference. There have been many days when I wasn't even on a diet and I thought I was hungry, so I'd munch all day assuming that my body was sending me these hunger signals for a reason. Today would have been one of those days. But even though I still think I'm hungry right now, I know that can't be right, because I've eaten all my food for today.

Something seems to have clicked. If you think of it all at once, a year seems like a long time to be compliant. But breaking it down to this month, this week, or just today, I can get there. Thinking of what I have to gain overshadows the tastes I'm leaving behind for a while. And I believe that if I can finish out February completely 100% compliant, there will be even more shifts in my habits and in my thinking. And it's the shortest month of the year, so it's a great month to begin with, right?

[Mike]

Glad to know I'm not the only one with crazy women in my family....

I don't think anybody doesn't have crazy women in their family (no naming of names here, but mine rhymes with smother).

Glad the observation went well.

Sorry I haven't read your journal in a while. I forget to read the journals, and I don't really read most of them. I use mine sparing and mainly for me to go back and read to remind myself why I am doing this.

Glad you are doing so well. I'm working on it myself.

[nickieluv]

Well, I almost went off today. Church was longer than expected, and there's a lot of work to do, and my husband got pizzas for the Superbowl - which I was expecting. So I entertained the idea of going off plan - I really thought about it, seriously, including the negative aspects of doing so. And I have decided to stay on plan. Of course, now it's almost 1 and I haven't eaten anything in 5 hours - so I'm probably going to eat once an hour for the next three hours, and then space them out until bedtime. I may have another two pickles, too, if I feel I need it, and I will be sure to guzzle water. I know that I haven't actually been good yet - but I haven't cheated yet, either, and I know that I'm not going to - so for that, and for taking the time to really think how eating off plan would make me feel instead of just gorging - I am REALLY proud of myself!

[Mike]

If you have the scrambled eggs or the beef stew, those are the most filling items that I have found. Also the oatmeals.
You can also, in emergency situations (such as not eating for 5 hours), have two at once (just in case of situations like this). Its all about fueling the body.

Good luck Nickie.

[alpha femme]

If you have the scrambled eggs or the beef stew, those are the most filling items that I have found.

yeah. what up with the beef stew? that stuff must harden into cement once you eat it, because i'm usually not even able to think about food for hours after i eat it. this is, of course, a good thing, but it makes me wonder....