The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[nickieluv]

I am exhausted. I didn't get back to bed at all this morning and it's starting to catch up with me. I'm loading up on the Momentum - one infuser now and a shake in 30 minutes - hopefully that will at least get me through the morning. I am pretty miserable. My poor daughter keeps trying to play and finally I told her that I need her to leave me alone this morning, because I don't want to end up yelling at her and I'm very tired and in a bad mood. I told her I was sorry and she hadn't done anything wrong, I was just very sleepy and cranky. Thankfully both girls will be with my mother today. I was going to get them after my appointment but I might ask if mom can keep them so I can take a nap when I get home. I don't remember the last time I was this tired. I barely feel functional. Ugh.

But enough complaining. Other things are going well - we're not behind on any bills (amazingly), I'm not behind on any of my work obligations, the house is in pretty decent shape - not spotless or anything, but not a pig sty either.

I'm wearing my one pair of non-maternity pants today. The dress pair, because the knit pair is in the hamper. I have on a pink sweater and I'm not sure it fits. I mean, it hugs the curves and I have curves in places they don't belong (think rolls, actually). But it's winter so I'll be wearing a coat on top, and I really just don't feel like changing. And it's not skin-tight or anything, there's room to move and breathe and stretch. So I might look ridiculous, but no one is going to give the fat lady a second look anyway so who cares? At least I feel pretty good to be in regular pants. I even accessorized today. Snazzy.

Well, I'm going to go work on a little project before we have to leave for the morning. I'll check in later, of course.

[katesmom]

Hey Nickie,
I have notived too, that fatigue can sneak in when we are re-starting...Persevere and take each moment as it comes !!

I am at work in my school and could easily take a quick cat nap ! My DH also told me that I am snoring and waking mysekf up every 15 minutes, so that doesn't help either !

Have a great day !

[DogMa]

I don't really have anything to add, but I wanted to stop in and say hello. (And if you decide you don't want to go to Disney World, I'd be happy to take your place. Ha.)

[Joy]

Happy Lunar New Year!

joy

[nickieluv]

Thanks, Joy.

Don't worry about missing my post, Leigh. I type so much some days it's a full time job to read it all. I have not come clean. I was able to pay for everything and it's awful but I can hide it because it's just increasing a bill that we already pay every month anyway.

I know I should come clean. I hate to. We are doing so well and getting along so great and I know this will cause a fight. I'm definitely going to see a counselor, though, after Florida. It takes a few weeks to get in unless you're suicidal (I know I shouldn't joke about that but it's true) so I guess I should ask my husband about it right away.

The annual was painful. Not physically. But we had 'the talk' about weight. I didn't realize it, but I weighed 20 pounds more today than I did at my post-natal 6-week appointment. So that wasn't good in his book, of course. Even though I'm down almost 10 since I got solidly back on plan, all he saw was the 20-pound gain. It was awful. I felt like a little kid getting scolded, and he was even really good about it so it was just my own guilt and hangups.

So I was not good today. There was another event after the appointment and between those two things I was irritated and stressed and mostly just mad as hell. I tried to tell myself I would feel better if I made it home and just was compliant all day but that didn't fly. Back on tomorrow and I pray to God that it's true, and I don't have another horrible month. The bargain I made with myself was that if I went off today, I could not go off during vacation.

So I'm having a drink. And I was joking that I should just drink 6 of these a day because they are only 98 calories, 6 carbs, and way cheaper than MF meals. I'll be the happiest mom on the block. And I know that's a terrible joke, too, since there are alcholics out there (and my stepmom was both an alcoholic and a suicide so it's not like I'm totally insensitive about it but jeez, I can't be PC my whole life right?). I'm just in a royally bad mood and I have to do dishes and I don't want to but as soon as I'm done with that I'm going to bed and getting this day over with.

So on the fat talk with the doctor - it so does not help that my best friend and my mom both think my OB/GYN is a hottie. Since they told me that I can't think about anything else now during my exams and it's really annoying. I prefer to be as asexual as possible during that ordeal and now I keep remembering them drooling over him. Damn women. All in all just a stressful, awkward day. But I am looking forward to NEVER having that talk with any doctor again, either for myself or my kids. Cheers to that.

[nickieluv]

Back on plan today with no problems. I'm saying that both as confirmation and affirmation. I had a momentum shake to start off the day, I did end up going to bed early last night (before 10 anyway) and slept till almost 8 (with one little hiccup in the night because my daughter wet the bed so I had to run laundry at 1:45am) so I'm feeling a little more rested today. I just need to go to bed early all the time. I'm sure lack of sleep did not help my mood yesterday or my impulse control. And staying up late is when I usually get in trouble with the shopping. So from now on I pledge to go to bed either with, before, or shortly after my husband (no more than 15 minutes). A simple way to deal with a problem - like not keeping chips in the house so that you can't get in trouble with them.

So I'm pretty sure I can't lose 18 pounds in 18 days to reach my ticker goal by Florida. But because of yesterday I am definitely staying on plan while we're away (the bars will be on their way here next week to help me out) and I can already imagine that warm weather and sunshine will make it easier to stick to it - I may have to look at myself in shorts every day and that will surely keep me from eating too much.

I did not exercise this morning - after the 1:45 wake-up call my husband couldn't get back to sleep, so he skipped the workout but will do something tonight. He says he tried to wake me up anyway but I was practically dead. So I will just work out tomorrow and then add in Saturday to make up for today.

I'm getting nervous about the trip now for other reasons. Like leaving my baby for over a week. Having to make such a long drive. Being in a place with crowds and not knowing where I'm going. The pressure that this vacation might suck for everybody, because I planned it so I feel like it will be my fault if everyone doesn't have a great time. I hope when we're actually there I'll be able to relax about it all.

That's all to report for now. I'm due to eat again in 90 minutes, but I'll probably make it a little sooner than that since my first meal was at 8:30 and it's usually more like 6am, so I need to space them a little closer to get them all in today. After my first shake it was tempting to just get up and eat whatever - but I resisted and honestly it didn't take much to resist, just a brief talking-to. I am really determined that this will be the last time I have to lose so much weight. I thought when I'm maintaining that I can weigh myself every day, and if I weigh in high I can take it easy that day. That doesn't mean that if I weigh in low I can binge or anything.

I am REALLY looking forward to the day when I am maintaining. I know it's years in the future, because before that happens I'll have another baby and then have to diet again. My doctor said if I could get to 200 before the next baby that would be good - and I told him I want more of a buffer than that. In my mind, once I say goodbye to 200 I want it to be forever. So I'd be more comfortable hitting 160 before having the next baby. From now on when I work out, I'm pushing myself the whole time. I've been taking it easy on the cardio parts. Now I need to imagine that sweat as fat dripping off of me - which means I need to sweat a lot more. I was looking forward to a workout like that today, but it didn't happen, so I will just have to do that tomorrow.

So now, whenever I feel like cheating, I just have to remember yesterday and how awful it felt to have the 'fat talk' yet again, after making so much progress in 2007. Never again!!

[katesmom]

Hi Nickie !
Happy Tuesday !
I love reading your journal because you are honest and are always looking for ways to help others !

I understand about snacks in your home...My DH lost about 40 pounds this summer by walking 5 miles on his day off through our park and town, and can still eat the junk food ! Highly irritating !!
I don't but them anymore..I told him that he'd have to but them and eat them at the first sitting or buy them and keep them out of view !

Your trip willbe exactly what is needed at this time of year ! It sounds as if you have really taken the time to plan it out...Remember if it does NOT go according to what everyone else wants...It's not your fault ! Everyone is responsible for their own happiness !!

Take Care of YOU !! Be selfish this time and enjoy the warmth of the sun and surroundings...!! You deserve it !!!

[ChynnaDoll]

Hey Nickie girl. Just popping over to say hello and to tell you i am so delighted with how you are handling things this time around:+) If you keep this positive and diligent mindset, you WILL be successful.
Now about that excited trip that's coming...girl just relax and take it alllll in, i know it's easier said than done when you're gonna be away from those precious babies for a little while, but enjoy this opportunity to let go and have FUN:+)..hey can i come?..lol!

Chyna

[nickieluv]

Hi Chynna!!!!!! I know, I already said hello in your journal, but still it's nice to see a blast from the past on here.

I am SSSSOOOOOOOO hungry today. I know exactly why, of course. But still it's not pleasant. And today of all days, I couldn't have a L&G because I hadn't thawed the fish and my husband was having leftovers. I wound up finishing my daughter's dinner - which was also leftovers, L&G compliant, but not enough of a portion. So I think I will have another MF meal before bed. So I'll end up with like a 6&1/2 today, plus I had one bite of cake (just one, honest). So much better than the dozen doughnuts I wanted to go out and buy and inhale.

But damn it, I am going to beat this weight and I am going to be happy with my body. And that means I don't need food to be everything in my life.

I'm getting a bar. Finishing Biggest Loser. Going to bed with my husband.

I am doing this. I WANT it. More than anything else.

[nickieluv]

Thanks, Leigh. I was pretty proud of myself last night. There have been so many times when I would have made the other decision, to prolong the cheat and go out and feed my habit, literally. Granted I was pushing the limits yesterday - 6 meals, a snack, half portion of L&G, and that bite of cake - but I made it through yesterday and that will make it easier to get through today.

I am actually looking forward to being on plan for Disney. A month or so ago all I could think about was the opportunity to eat and eat while we were there, but now I think about having this energy while we're there - walking all over, all day long, and not getting abnormally tired. Feeling so awesome every time I open my MF bar and drink down my water. And yes, really enjoying my L&G once a day, which may not be perfect in terms of portion but I am going to special order to make sure there are no sauces or anything else that I'm not supposed to have. And I'm pretty sure at this point that I can say no to the desserts without any trouble.

Just because I paid for it doesn't mean I have to eat it.

Well, I have to make my husband some oatmeal - I forgot so I have to hurry!!!

[ChynnaDoll]

Hey Nicks! I totally agree with Leigh...YOU are definitely in the ZONE girl:+))) I can't seem to get from the starting gate and get going?????...the food is here and everything...got it yesterday...still in the living room sitting in the box.

How's the snow your way?

Keep doing good Nickie:+)

Chyna

[nickieluv]

Bad day today. I was so hungry, and I wasn't prepared for that even though I should have been. It was day 2, always a hard day for me - I wasn't ready for it.

So tomorrow is day 1 and it's pretty sickening. I'm not sure how much more disgusted with myself I can get.

But that's enough of that. Being negative never helps me get going. I'm going to bed in less than half an hour, and tomorrow I'm getting up and exercising even though I really don't want to. Tomorrow I'm going to eat my MF food and drink lots and lots of water.

I've proven before that I can lose weight. I have many excuses not to but they are no good. Every day I look at my little girls and I know I want another child. That won't happen unless I lose weight. Motivation.

Off to watch a short show with hubby and then go to bed. Exercise in the morning and I will kick a** more than I did this morning. No pain no gain. Shooting for 245. New goal. Smaller goal. By Florida.

[nickieluv]

I thought about glossing over the cheat yesterday - not lying, exactly, just not mentioning it. I always think of that when I have a bad day, but then I figure I'm not hurting anybody but myself if I'm not totally honest here, of all places.

So I have thought in the past that my workouts were not good - I didn't know what half-a**ed was until today. I even went to bed early like I said, but I was so tired this morning I could barely do anything. That's what the junk food does to me. I should know it by now.

It was another 'I don't really want to do this' last night. Sure, I'd slipped up, but I didn't want to make it worse. Then I had to go out and get my daughter a prescription refill and I took cash to do it and my husband asked me if I was going to get food and I just said yes. Yes, instead of 'no, I don't really want to do that.' I can't blame him for it, but it was like some switch flipped and all those thoughts of 'you're going to be fat forever so why fight it?' came flooding right back in.

I don't want to talk to him about it because - well, I just don't. I don't think he'll be supportive of how I'm feeling. I think he'll just feel attacked and like he can't say anything right. Which he can't, when it comes to my diet or my weight, but that's not his fault. There is no right thing to say on those subjects. It's best to just leave them completely alone. But he doesn't seem to understand that, no matter how many diets I've been on and how many times I've asked him to stay out of it. He thinks he's being helpful, or 'just making conversation,' but it ends up making me feel like he thinks I can't be trusted or stick with anything. He asks me at least once a day if I'm being good. I hate it.

Anyway - back on plan today, I've had my bar - I know people have tried to tell me this, but I need to take this thing just one meal at a time. I don't have to face a day, week, year of right choices. Just the one choice in front of me at the moment. Yesterday, I was hungry. Instead of cooking something off-plan I should have had a glass of water. Or two. Or gone ahead and had another bar or shake even though it wasn't time. I could have made up for it later by stretching the time between supplements - or even just had an extra supplement again yesterday and moved on.

No more dwelling - fresh day, fresh start, fresh choice, and I've already made good ones today. I've exercised, I had a bar, and I've had two glasses of water. I hate how depressed I feel today. And the fact that I did it to myself is even worse. I'm going to be lucky to even be at ticker weight this week. I only made it 6 days on plan. And I thought I was feeling so strong.

So much for not dwelling on it, huh?

[katesmom]

Hi Nickie,
Stay Strong ! You can do this...don't worry about what your DH thinks and do it for YOU...My DH lost 40 lbs last summer and for the life of him, can't understand why I can't just do what he did...Well, the reality is, I'm not him.. I am me, and I have to do it my way...Just like you, to find our own path and take it slowly...

Stress will come and go, but please don't lose faith...we are all here for you, just like you are here for us..We are the MF Team and our team is STRONG !!!

C'mon Nickie, take it one meal at a time and be proud of each and every step...Disney soon right? Can I come too???

Hugs for a great day to you !

[ChynnaDoll]

Hey Nickie girl!..stay STRONG, like Katesmom said..it's gonna be fine sweetie i promise:+)...and ya know what i said to myself as i was reading your entry for today?, she's GOT'IT...i could tell when i read the very first sentence of your last paragraph:+). I'm so proud of you for fluffin'up and greeting this brand NEW day with hope and determination:+) I remember when my mom passed and thought i couldn't go on another day without her. I was depressed everyday etc.,then one day my best friend said to me "girl you got'a FLUFF'UP and start anew...you can't change yesterday" and she was right...after it REALLY sank in what she was trying to say to me, things started to change in my thought process about things. Here's something i ran across i'd like to share with you and anyone else that may find it helpful. I printed out a copy for myself and put it on the refrigerator:+) We're ALL gonna get through this no matter what:+) Keep the faith my friend!

YESTERDAY, TODAY AND TOMORROW....

There are two days in every week that we should not worry about, two days that should be kept free from fear and apprehension.

One is yesterday, with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. Yesterday has passed, forever beyond our control.
All the money in the world cannot bring back yesterday. We cannot undo a single act we performed. Nor can we erase a single word we've said - yesterday is gone!

The other day we shouldn't worry about is tomorrow, with its impossible adversaries, its burden, its hopeful promise and poor performance. Tomorrow is beyond our control.

Tomorrow's sun will rise either in splendor or behind a mask of clouds - but it will rise. And until it does, we have no stake in tomorrow, for it is yet unborn.

This leaves only one day - today. Any person can fight the battles of just one day. It is only when we add the burdens of yesterday and tomorrow that we break down.

It is not the experience of  today that drives people mad - it is the remorse of bitterness for something which  happened  yesterday, and the dread of what tomorrow may bring.

Let us, therefore, live one day at a time!

love'ya girl
Chyna