The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[DogMa]

I'm TOTALLY swearing off shopping for a while, with Teemu's surgery and all. (Yes, I got the Ab Rocket, but that's it. The Wii Fit I mentioned in my journal is actually a gift from my cousin, but she was having trouble finding one and my friend spotted it and picked it up for me. So that doesn't count because I'll be getting reimbursed.)

Re: the jumping jacks. That's great. And don't worry too much if you struggle with them again another time. It's not usually so linear for me, where every workout is better than the one before. I'll do great, and be showing great progress, and then I'll have a workout (or several) where it just doesn't seem to be happening for me. So if that happens, don't worry about it, don't freak out that you're not progressing, etc. Just do your best and know that the important thing is that you're doing it at all. Remember my mantra: Half-a$$ed is better than not at all.

[Joy]

Just wishing you a great weekend!
joy

[nickieluv]

Hi Leigh, Robin and Joy!

Well, be careful what you wish for. I have one day where I'm not home, and what happens? A dozen posts for a change!!

I was able to read everything but I didn't respond to everyone. I don't have much to say tonight. It was a long day, I was 6&0 because of being out of the house, and I'm looking forward to crawling into bed. Hubby doesn't want to exercise tomorrow so I have to decide if I'm going to or not. After complaining that he's not getting anything out of this new workout, suddenly he's stiff and sore. So I guess it is working after all. If he doesn't work out, I can sleep in until 6 and still have time to work out and shower before the girls get up. So maybe I will do that. He says he'll probably do the treadmill, though.

I have a feeling tomorrow might be a late morning for the girls because their schedule was off with me not being home all evening - it would be nice to sleep in a bit for a change. I remember when I just had one little girl - when she was an infant I would get her out of her crib, bring her into my bed to breastfeed her and then we would sleep for a couple more hours. Those were the days. But I would not trade either of my girls for anything, including more sleep. Although next week they're spending a night with Grandma.

Well I said I didn't have much to say but I do seem to find a way to go on and on regardless, don't I? I'm off to 'check a couple of things' - should take me 5 minutes but probably I'll be up till 11. Good news is that I do feel tired, so I think moving the momentum products earlier in the day solved my little sleep problem. Off I go now, I swear!

[nickieluv]

So I forgot to mention about the clothes.

I have ONE pair of pants that I can wear. Well, two, technically. One gray dress pair for church and stuff. One gray knit pair that I have to wear around my hips because they got shorter in the wash so if I wear them on my natural waist they look ridiculous. I HATE them. I want to BURN them as soon as I get the chance. But they are what I am stuck wearing, at least until those jeans I ordered come in. And they'd better come in soon.

I never bought another pair of jeans - I have 14s, 16s, and 18s. I probably need 22 right at the moment. Sure I have the maternity jeans, but I refuse to wear them. It's been months and I refused to buy new jeans because I was so sure I was going to lose weight and be able to wear my 18s and then my 16s. And by 220 I can probably squeeze into the 18s. If we weren't going to Florida I wouldn't even have ordered any at all, but there's no guarantee (in fact it's highly unlikely) that the 18s will fit before we leave, and I can't go a week down there with no jeans.

I do have plenty of tops. I got rid of 4 sweaters and one pair of PJs. I handed them off to my mom and sister, and they can throw them away for all I care. I am EAGER to do the same thing with all the other big stuff in my closet.

I have a box full of clothes that I'm going to try on again before Florida. They are the 'will fit soon' box. Then I have another box that I won't open until I'm under 200. That box has enough clothes to last me down to the 180s, by which point I might have to buy new stuff. It's so hard to know what size I'm going to be at that weight. On the way up, I was a 14W in the 180s. But on the way down, I was already in 16s by the 190s. Either sizes are bigger now or I'm more squishy. Then I wonder if I should bother buying more clothes, or just make do, since I'll be on the way back up again with baby #3 in the fall (hopefully).

I think clothes are bigger now. I remember reading once that Marilyn Monroe was a size 14, but that's like a size 6 in today's sizes. So maybe size 14 is just the average size, and as people get bigger, 14s get bigger. Or maybe I just made that up.

Well, did I call it or what? 11:18 and I'm still online. Tired but also enjoying the peace and quiet and introspection. But I really need to go to bed now. Will I? Hmmmm....

[nickieluv]

Something feels different this time, after my 3 days. Well, even from this most recent day 1, it felt different. I had cash on hand and the thought of pizza crossed my mind, but it had no power. It just flitted through. The cash sat there for three days untouched. I wake up and just eat my MF. I don't think about when the next time I can cheat is. I know I won't get away with it so it's just not an option.

I don't know if this is because it's crunch time to Florida, but I hope it's because I've really turned a corner and am ready for the long haul. I will tell you, if I am still feeling this way when we leave then I'm going to stay compliant on the trip. With my 7 extra meals (I'll still use the table service meals to get a L&G) my husband and stepson can eat a few more times each - especially the 17-year-old I'll bet will want to eat more than twice a day. And that way, maybe we can avoid keeping any snacks in the room. I'm sure it will be hard to deal with all that temptation - especially the desserts - but I know that if I cave in one day I'll be gorging myself all seven days. I don't want that to happen.

But that is all still in the future. I don't have to worry about it yet.

Thank you, Leigh, for the offer of clothes. If the jeans come and don't fit, I'll buy another pair at Walmart or maybe see if my sister has a pair I can borrow. I do have 2 pairs of shorts that I bought after the baby was born, so I know those will fit. And I have sneakers - I was only planning to bring and wear one pair. I don't have any good walking sandals, just dressy ones. I also have my orthotic inserts in - I've been wearing them for a week or so to get used to them. The one thing I do need is a fanny pack. Does anybody sell those anymore? I don't want to carry a big bag, or even a backpack. I can fit packets and bars in a little waist pack and then my arms will be free if my daughter wants to be carried for a while. Plus there's nothing to worry about leaving behind or flying out of a ride.

Well, baby wants another bottle. Gotta go. Must say though what a great thing I did today. I slept in and didn't work out - but when I woke up, I put on my workout clothes. So now I have no excuse and as soon as the baby finishes this bottle and is settled in playing, I'm going to exercise. I don't really want to, but I'm really proud of myself for setting it up so that I basically can't help but exercise. I could have left on my pjs and then I know exercising would be the furthest thing from my mind right now!

[nickieluv]

She settled a bit - forgot to say that I am up 2 pounds from ticker weight today, but I feel great about my first three days. I'm down 5 pounds from last week and down over 10 from my highest carb-bloated weight on Monday. I am so going to get skinny. Just you wait.

By the way, newcomers - you can post pictures in the studio, you know! I have my before and during pictures over there from my first go round before the baby. It would be nice to put a full picture to a username if you're feeling up to it. And Leigh, since you and Shane have already lost a bunch, you should post before pictures and a picture from today. Even if you don't post them, you should take them and compare them yourself at home. You will be amazed at the differences. Be sure to take them from all angles - front, side, and back - because the changes can show up anywhere.

[DogMa]

Ha. That's why I sleep in my workout clothes sometimes. (I know, kinda gross, but what the heck. My sheets are covered with dog hair, anyway, so what's a little sweat?)

Oops. Probably TMI.

Good for you. It sounds like you're doing well. (And do you think MAYBE the exercise is helping you stay on track? It does that for me. Completely changes my mindset.)

[nickieluv]

I don't know. I exercised for two weeks without being really seriously on plan. But maybe after 9 workouts (and I even did that 9th one on a SUNDAY, before church!) something changed?

I'm just glad I'm feeling this way. And, unusually for me, I don't want to analyze it too much for fear of flicking the brain switch back to 'off.' This is the feeling I was waiting for all this time. The feeling that it's easy, not a constant struggle. But that feeling didn't come until I acknowledged that it was going to BE a struggle. Once I admitted that to myself and stopped waiting for the magic potion, it happened - like magic. I guess that's on the lines of 'a watched pot never boils' and things like that. Like you never find that special someone until you're not looking.

Whatever! I just exercised and I rock. No, the workout wasn't perfect, but I'm amazing because I did it even with a preschooler and infant, doing dishes, washing baby bottles, feeding the two kids twice each - yes I'm tooting my own horn, but I'm happy.

[DogMa]

But maybe those two weeks of exercise helped PUT you in the right mindset. Either way, keep up the good work!! It'll definitely help you get through all the running around at Disney World.

[nickieluv]

Thanks, Robin. That's the main reason I stuck with it, even when I was eating poorly. I know that exercise alone won't take off weight, but it does still have benefits. I'm already starting to think about after vacation, and how I can stay motivated to exercise without the trip to think of. I guess there's always swimsuit season to inspire fear.

I was feeling a little bad about being so proud earlier. But then I decided that I need to let myself feel that way more often. Not an excess of pride, but just to have any at all. I think if I can feel good about myself it will be easier to stick to plan. Easier to think I am worth all this trouble, after all. Because I'm not just a fat stupid worthless person who will never be beautiful. I am someone who is already beautiful and loved and I make choices in my life that are smart.

That affirmation stuff always seems so corny when I type it. But it feels OK to think it so I'll keep doing that.

Having a great day and I hope everyone else is too!

[Susie Q]

Congrats on being on the road to being a work out junkie!! That will certainly help you during and after your MF journey! It's a great example you and your hubby will set for your kids too! You should be proud!

Susie

[Joy]

I am someone who is already beautiful and loved and I make choices in my life that are smart.
That affirmation stuff always seems so corny when I type it. But it feels OK to think it so I'll keep doing that.

Having a great day and I hope everyone else is too!

not corny at all - just the plain truth 100%

[nickieluv]

Thanks, Joy. Leigh, it was a good compliant day. And Susie, I'm so much of a junkie that I had to force myself NOT to exercise today. I thought my muscles could really use a rest. Of course I could have done some cardio but.... So I guess my junkie status is not quite secure yet.

Not much to report today. That's always good, actually. I'm headed off to bed right after this. I read the posts a few times today but didn't feel much like responding. I'm sure in a couple of days I'll be more in the mood. Hope everybody has a good roll call tomorrow. I don't post there anymore because our weigh-in day at home is Friday. When my husband starts maintaining I might move my day to Sunday to join all of you. We'll see.

[nickieluv]

I can't believe we're leaving for Florida in 19 days!!!!

I was thinking today how much I put off living. My stepson has a ceremony in a couple of weeks to become an Eagle Scout and I was wishing that I didn't have to go. Now Eagle Scout is a big deal - but I hate going out in public this way. Especially since his mom, the evil ex, got slim after the divorce and has stayed that way all these years. But that's just one example. There are lots of things I say I'll do when I'm thin, but I don't do them now. Mostly involving being in public. I was getting nervous about the trip to Disney, even, and if it were just me I probably would have cancelled 'until I'm thin.' But how silly to punish myself and my family like that.

I was also just shopping online - yes, again - and I've gotten myself into a bind. I bought something and I don't know how I'm going to pay for it. Well, actually, I'm trying to work it out, but if it doesn't happen then I'm not sure what I'll do. It was an eBay thing. I guess I'll just cancel the transaction if the person will let me and take the hit on my feedback. But I was realizing as I was shopping, that I was getting the exact same feeling I get when I order pizza. The 'I don't want to do this but I am anyway' feeling. It's so exhausting to do this stuff - and I always hide it from my husband, of course (the shopping and the pizza, when it happens). There is something going on with me that makes me want to do things that are bad for me and then hide them.

And I keep saying that when I'm at work again, we'll just pay off all this debt and be done with it. But will we? I'm running up more and more, which means it will take longer to pay it off, and eventually I'm going to have to pay the piper and tell my husband about all this and he is going to be so pissed off at me. He probably won't ever trust me again - this will be like the 3rd time I've gotten in trouble with credit cards. I keep saying that it won't happen again but then it happens again. I just can't seem to help trying to live outside our means.

The damage is done and all I can do is come clean, and stop shopping. That is practically as hard to do as to stop eating junk food. It's just as sickening, the excess that is involved. And I'm shopping on the equivalent of junk food. Movies, books, jewelry, clothes - nothing anybody really needs. Just stuff. I am afraid to sit down and actually add up everything I've spent in the last few months. I'm betting it's in the mid-to-upper four figure range. Add that to all the debt we already have, and it's a mountain.

Why is it that when I get control of one thing, something else has to go crazy to take its place? I think it's time for counseling again. I'll ask my husband to make me an appointment for after vacation. It's his EAP so he has to call. Sometimes I wonder if I need actual psychoanalysis and not just counseling. But that's probably just me being silly.

Sorry to be such a drag today. Anyway, MF is going well. My girls are great. Life itself is under control. It's just the spending now. My last remaining vice I suppose. But what a doozy.

[nickieluv]

So - only got about 4 hours of sleep last night. Maybe 20 minutes more. I was trying to bargain with myself about working out this morning, but I couldn't come up with any believable way to work out later today so I got up. And actually I did OK with the weights stuff, but I sucked with the cardio. I'm in that hump that I got in with workout 1 two weeks ago - I expected to really rock it after two days of rest, but instead I felt weaker. There are still some moves I can't do because I don't have enough upper body strength - she does a lot in plank pose in this workout and so I modify those moves. I know some ways I could make it even harder than my current modifications, but not so hard as the plank, so if I'm feeling stronger this week I'll try to do more.

Typically I feel strong this morning and able to resist the shopping bug. I also feel better about things in the light of day generally (well, it's before sunrise here but still).

I have my annual GYN appointment today and I thought about cancelling it several times in the last two weeks, because I'm basically still where I was after having the baby. Maybe even little higher than I was at my post-natal appointment, even though I'm now on plan, since I had such an awful fall. But I decided that was dumb. If he gets on me about my weight I'll just tell him I've been exercising for three weeks now and dieting for one week, so I'm doing what I need to do. I understand that as my doctor he should be concerned about all aspects of my health, not just the gynecological ones. But it's always such an uncomfortable conversation. I think talking about my weight is more uncomfortable than the other stuff!

Off I go to make hubby and me some oatmeal to start the day. Then showering and back to bed for as long as the girls will let me. Weight was up today, which sucks, but I'm hoping it was the lack of sleep. Although I was up yesterday, too. However, there was salt in Saturday's dinner so I'll assume that's it, unless I'm still up in a few days.

Happy Monday everybody!