The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[nickieluv]

Nice to see you again Katie!

I am just shooting myself in the foot day after day. I KNEW I shouldn't have bought that ice cream yesterday but it was 'such a good deal' blah blah blah.

I'm beginning to think I'm never going to have another compliant day in my life. And I won't if I keep letting myself eat whatever.

I can't really get too discouraged, though. Throughout this time (except for that awful week I had of out of control gross bingeing, as opposed to my usual eating of junk food) I've been generally positive about the future and the present and what I'm trying to do.

And for the past several days, I've been eating what is (for me) reasonable portions of things. I have been eating, not stuffing. Not shoveling. It may be a subtle difference but in my heart I know I'm eating from a different emotional place than I was before. A healthier place, even though I am not yet making the right choices regularly.

I still have my most determined moments at the end of one day and the beginning of the next. Then somewhere around 4 or 5 it sounds like a good idea to go off plan. And you know? I've noticed that it ALWAYS starts with skipping a supplement. I can guarantee it, every time that's been what happened first. I skipped one, so figured I should just try again tomorrow.

So obviously I need to stop skipping supplements. Even if that means I have too many in one day. If I think 'oh, I'll wait another hour' I need to get up and eat right that second.

But then I wonder why I spend all this time analyzing why I'm eating off plan, and I come up with these little gimmicks and tricks, when all I really need to do is suck it up and get tough with myself.

So I can't keep saying 'I'll TRY to be compliant tomorrow.' Or 'I feel good SO FAR.' I'm either going to do this, or I'm not. Right now it seems like I'm not. And if I'm not, that's OK. That's my choice to make. But I need to make a choice and not just limp along.

But there's that damn 30th birthday coming up....

For pete's sake, stop saying 'but' every other paragraph!!!!!

I'm not coming back here until I can say I've been compliant the day before. Just one day. I'm not going to let myself log on or read posts at all until I'm compliant. I'm going to go to bed right now so that I have the energy to get up early to exercise. I'm going to try the 2-mile walk because the 1-mile is already not enough (and I've even ramped it up by raising my knees higher, kicking higher, using my arms, all of that). The least I can do is exercise every day - in the morning, when I still feel strong.

I hope I can come back on Wednesday. I really am sick of treading water but apparently not quite sick enough. Time to "---- or get off the pot," as they say so colorfully in my neck of the woods. I hope I can talk to you Wednesday. Don't do anything too exciting while I'm gone! Glad I made it for all the new clubs today, I should be safe taking tomorrow to leave the boards.

[Lizabette]

Be seein' ya Wednesday...

[bikipatra]

Can't wait to hear from you!

[Tawanda]

Nickie, I think it is wise for you to really search your heart and mind for what you want to do in regards to your weight & MF. You've been struggling for quite awhile to stick to program but you sound as if you are also done with the program for awhile.

I do hope you decide to continue the journey to a healthy BMI range, but understand if you aren't ready to commit to doing that. I do hope you find the answer, the answer that will be easy for you to accept and follow through on. Hope we see you tomorrow.

[DonnaS]

Posted in Tawanda's journal

I'm feeling guilty for treading water for almost two months now - look at where everyone else is going while I'm stuck in my head!

Nickie, I have treaded water for about a month now and I know how your feeling. Last week it was hard getting back on program because the weekend before I had totally messed up my diet; it was my own fault (at the time I blamed it on my husband ). I had another event this past weekend but my frame of mind and determination was right and I managed to get thru it.

You and I are close to the same weight but you have already lost a lot more than I have. You have come so far, don't give up now.

[nickieluv]

Thanks Donna, Biki, Tawanda and Lizabette.

I don't want to stop here. Not really. It's just that all my actions are saying the opposite. ALL of them.

I am excited about the post Mike made about salads at Subway. If all I want is the experience of eating out, I can take a walk down to Subway and order a $7 salad. That's about a third of what I've been spending every day lately on dinner. So right there I'll be saving money, too. I can take the extra $14 and buy gum!

I shouldn't be here - I wasn't compliant today. But we had really bad news this morning. This has nothing to do with why I wasn't compliant, it's just that I needed to talk about it and you all are like my surrogate online family or something.

Our pastor retired at the end of July. Her husband had been retired for a while and they were looking forward to spending quality time together. He passed away last night, in the middle of the night, from a heart attack. She had to be with him and give him CPR while on the phone with 911. I cannot even imagine what she is going through, to lose her husband, to have tried so hard to save him. And he was healthy, this just came out of nowhere. It is so unfair and I'm really angry that this happened to her.

And I guess I'm scared, because I can't help but see myself in that situation - what would I do without my husband? For all our fights and stupidity with each other I love him very much, and I don't know how I would get through losing him. It hammers home the point that we never know when our time with our loved ones will end, whether we are perfectly healthy or not, anything can happen. We think we have years and years, we take them for granted, but in a moment we can lose everything.

Please, anyone who is reading this, take a moment to tell the people you love how much you need them. We hear all the time to live each day like it is our last, leave nothing undone, no kind word unsaid - but how often do we really live that way? So just for the next day, try to show all the love that you feel. It's so important to let others know your feelings.

[DonnaS]

So sorry Nickie, that is so sad. I think we all have an appointed time that the Lord will take us to be with him but it still doesn't seem fair for the ones left behind. I hope your pastor can take comfort in knowing that she will be with him again one day.

[MerryMary]

And I guess I'm scared, because I can't help but see myself in that situation - what would I do without my husband? For all our fights and stupidity with each other I love him very much, and I don't know how I would get through losing him. It hammers home the point that we never know when our time with our loved ones will end, whether we are perfectly healthy or not, anything can happen. We think we have years and years, we take them for granted, but in a moment we can lose everything.

Interesting how you put yourself in your Pastor's position and became uncomfortable with the thought of "what if" it were your husband. Of course you are identifying with the wife in this situation, but I'd like to challenge you to look at it differently. "What if" you were the one to have the heart attack? After all, it is one of the health risks obese women (and men) live with. Yes, what if it were you? How would your husband handle taking care of your sweet child? How would it impact your child to grow up without a mother?

Those are tough questions and I raise them because they became reality in my life after my husband died. My daughter was 16 at the time and became paranoid with the possiblity of how she would deal with the death of "the only parent she had left," me.

Nickie, you have been "treading water" for so long now ... you say you want another child too. If expanding your family is not motivating enough to help you get in the medizone, think about how losing YOU might affect your family. Don't you want to be the healthiest you can be for them? for yourself? Think about it.

[katesmom]

And I guess I'm scared, because I can't help but see myself in that situation - what would I do without my husband? For all our fights and stupidity with each other I love him very much, and I don't know how I would get through losing him. It hammers home the point that we never know when our time with our loved ones will end, whether we are perfectly healthy or not, anything can happen. We think we have years and years, we take them for granted, but in a moment we can lose everything.

Interesting how you put yourself in your Pastor's position and became uncomfortable with the thought of "what if" it were your husband. Of course you are identifying with the wife in this situation, but I'd like to challenge you to look at it differently. "What if" you were the one to have the heart attack? After all, it is one of the health risks obese women (and men) live with. Yes, what if it were you? How would your husband handle taking care of your sweet child? How would it impact your child to grow up without a mother?

Those are tough questions and I raise them because they became reality in my life after my husband died. My daughter was 16 at the time and became paranoid with the possiblity of how she would deal with the death of "the only parent she had left," me.

Nickie, you have been "treading water" for so long now ... you say you want another child too. If expanding your family is not motivating enough to help you get in the medizone, think about how losing YOU might affect your family. Don't you want to be the healthiest you can be for them? for yourself? Think about it.

Oh my goodness...It must be fate for me to have checked in here with you Nickie ! I read Merry's words and saw myself in that "what if" position ! I have an 8 year old daughter, unemployed and depressed DH, BUT I have a good job in a school, all of you, and WE CAN DO THIS !
Nickie, I have 138 pounds to lose and after reading what you wrote about your pastors DH , (I am so sorry) it was like a bolt hit me - WE have control over being healthy !

I'm with you...Let's march down this road and meet Merry, Jo, Biki, Lauren, Lizabette,(others too) and at the finish line !!

[bikipatra]

I am sorry for your loss and I really hope you take Mary's message to heart about your own future health.

[Lauren]

Nick, I am so sorry to hear this story, and for the loss you are all experiencing. We have recently lost a few family friends who "seemed" healthy to heart attacks as well, and it's such a tragedy. But I wanted to comment on the fact that you referred to him as healthy a couple times in your post - he was not. Heart health may not show on the outside, but it's very much a key player in mortality, and it's what MerryMary so beautifully addressed in her post to you.

Regardless of how much healthier we are as we lose the weight, until we are in a normal weight zone, and until we've reduced our fat percentage, we are not healthy. And then we still have to go to get tests and bloodwork and such to make sure that everything's working inside as well as it should, we can't take anything for granted - especially people with children! Take care of yourself, as Mary said, because in taking care of yourself, you are taking care of your husband and daughter.

Best to you,

Lauren

[Lizabette]

Thanks Donna, Biki, Tawanda and Lizabette.
I don't want to stop here. Not really. It's just that all my actions are saying the opposite. ALL of them.
I shouldn't be here - I wasn't compliant today. But we had really bad news this morning. This h[/b]as nothing to do with why I wasn't compliant, it's just that I needed to talk about it and you all are like my surrogate online family or something. .

NICKI, so sorry about your sad news. A lot of good things have been said to help comfort you---you really do have a surrogate online family here who cares about you.
The first sentence of your post seems to say that you and 'your actions' are separate from each other.
You, sweeteart, are in control of your actions! You determine your actions! And not some outside entity. So it is really up to you what happens to you in regards to your weight loss, health, and other areas in your life.
It is your choice...If there was something we could say to help you decide what you really know is best for you...we would do it.
But it is your decision, and we still care for you whatever you decide.

[nickieluv]

I know - I'm being punished, I'm not supposed to come here. I sure wasn't expecting a lecture on health when I got back!

I guess I still have that teenaged 'invincible' mentality - I just can't wrap my brain around the fact that *I* could be the one to die. My husband is twelve years older than me and I just assume he's going to go first. But I know there are accidents all the time.

Now, my pastor's husband could have been perfectly healthy. He could have. There is such a thing as dying of old age and normal wear and tear. I don't know his health history so I can't say. I also don't know how old he was exactly, or what genetic/family issues he had to deal with.

I have a million of 'em. Heart problems. Obesity. Diabetes. Cancer. It all runs in my family. The only one I have control over is the obesity.

Maybe I'm being too positive. Usually I'm too negative so this is a switch. I look at the fat that's gone, not at the fat that remains.

I'm not giving up and saying this is good enough. I'm just trying to find the key to getting going again, in earnest. In all my bad days I'm still having 3-4 Medifast meals each day. I'm eating breakfast (RTD). I'm getting in two liters of water. I'm trying to exercise but I keep staying up so late that I physically cannot make myself get out of bed a half hour earlier. So I'm thinking I might try exercising at night since I'm staying up late anyway - may as well do something useful.

It's a bump. A really big one. One that I know I am creating myself, by my actions. I'm not trying to disassociate or avoid responsibility for my choices. I know, and I've said, that in the end I have to 'just do it.' But my words say something different than my actions, so either I don't mean what I say, or I'm incapable of following through for some reason. And that 'some reason' is what I need to work past.

We've been back and forth about how I should be more concerned about my health and motivated to try to improve it. I get that. But that is not going to motivate me. I'm sorry. I just know that it's not going to work. Getting healthier is a good goal and it is on my list, but it's not top priority. At least, not phrased that way. Things like 'see my daughter grow up' is more powerful. 'Avoid getting diabetes' is more personal - I see that everywhere in my family and I know how devastating it can be, how it changes your life. My grandmother died because she refused to alter her lifestyle and control her bloodsugar, and her body gave out.

These things are all important but I need something with immediacy. Believe it or not, though I keep trying to avoid it, that 30th birthday is a good motivator. Do I want my life to end at 30, or feel that many good things are still to come? And in all this, I forgot all about New Year's Eve - and silly as a party is, it's good motivation. I have a size medium outfit in my closet and that sucker is not going to fit if I don't get a move on. New Year's represents something more than a party - it represents freedom to go out with my husband and not be ashamed. Freedom to dance to the music I love instead of hiding at the table because I don't want to jiggle in front of the world. Freedom to be myself without the negative judgements I heap on myself about my size.

I need to find what resonates with me, what rings true, what is a powerful enough feeling or image to wipe out the need to eat what is wrong for me.

And I need to believe that losing more weight is possible. And attainable. And not scary.

I don't know what will come up with the counselor tomorrow but please know that I do start every day trying to be compliant and make good choices. I just feel guilty coming here when I am not on program. So that's why I keep talking about staying away. But I totally went through withdrawals yesterday morning not checking in.

Well, there you have it. It helps me to work through all this 'out loud,' as it were. And I always value comments of any kind because they spark me to think - and while some of you think I do too much of that, it still is good from time to time to think. I'm going to go do some work now.

[bikipatra]

Even though you are on Nickiefast not Medifast I look forward to seeing how you are doing everyday. I really care about how you are feeling. Please never feel like you can't come here. I am a few pounds from goal and 3 or 4 weeks ago I ate a WHOLE chocolate cake by myself. No one here is perfect. Even if they have perfect compliance they can relate to your thought life.

[BabyTrace]

Hi Nickie. Although I rarely post in your journal, I do read it almost every day. One of the things that really impresses me about you is your desire to understand yourself. You've faced so many challenges trying to stay on plan the past several weeks. So many people would give up, put the Medifast away and abandoned the board. Not you. Even though your are obviously not happy with the fact that you are treading water as you say, you still start most days working toward achieving compliance again. Even after days where you do not succeed you are still exploring yourself for answers and most importantly you have not given up the will to try. That is inspiring.