The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[bikipatra]

Great job on the compliance with the cake and the strength of your committment to the challenge. You are becoming an inspiration whether you like it or not! (I'll forgive you for the bout of OCD on the scale. Progress not perfection. )

[nickieluv]

Yes, Jo, the pressure/challenge seems to be helping. Then again, maybe it's the procrastinator in me. I did everything possible to not stay compliant and now when the 'deadline' is staring me in the face, I've got to buckle down and get it done.

I was feeling hungry today but I made it. Mostly it was because I was late for one of my meals. Then I wound up having two really close together, and the other one over 3 hours later again. Sometimes I do still wish I could fast forward and see myself at goal and know that this will be worth it - all the changes I'm trying to make. I just can't picture what I will look like or feel like. But now I have a destination in mind - mid-October, 100 days - and in addition to being a good long time, it's also got a concrete ending point.

I am already thinking about extending my personal challenge, perhaps trying to get to 150 days after the 100 gets here. Now that I feel I could really stick with this, I am hesitant to give up before getting the prize of saying I reached my goal. And I don't really want a baby until September or October of next year, in a perfect world. So now I'm starting to try to justify waiting until after Christmas to see how far I can go. Instead of rushing to get pregnant so I can go off the program, now I really want to stick it out! (I just re-read this after initially posting it, and I can't believe I said that - essentially, I was willing to get PREGNANT in order to be able to cheat on this diet. How sad that I ever felt that way. But I did, so I'm not going to delete it. It's true. At least now I am feeling better - that the only way to go off-program is to be on transition after reaching my goal. Do it right, this time - take it home, go all the way, and then transition properly to keep learning good habits.)

But first things first - the 100-day challenge. It's nowhere near over and just because I'm in a challenge doesn't mean I don't still have to watch out for my emotions and be wary. I've been feeling very good but that could change. The best part of the challenge is that it reminds me of what I want constantly, so that first bite never happens. I don't have a chance to get into a bad spiral because I don't take the first step. And the longer I'm compliant, the less appealing it becomes to break this streak!

Well, I'm going to get another liter of water and head upstairs, read a bit before going to sleep. 'Hell week' is upon me - that's what we call production week of a show around here - rehearsals/performances every night for the next seven days, plus my regular schedule of lessons and working at church, plus a three-day workshop at school so even my Friday is full. Then next week, summer camp every morning and working at church every afternoon, and hubby back on nights so all alone with the baby every night - nice to be with her, but I'll miss him. Then back to 'normal' the following week, except I'll have to start going in to school by then and getting my classroom ready for September.

You know, next summer I'm looking forward to really having a summer vacation. And having lots more bills paid off and just generally being more relaxed. Then again, what will I do with myself?

[nickieluv]

This has nothing to do with weight loss or MF but I am seething.

Every time I speak to my husband lately his response always begins with 'why do you have to be so snotty?' I am answering him in a normal tone of voice!!!!!!!! Not the least of what is pissing me off is the fact that whenever I feel like he's being sarcastic, he tells me to lay off him and get over it and he's not being sarcastic, I need to clean my ears or something stupid like that. If it were once or twice, or he hadn't said it in a week or something, fine, maybe - but this is daily, multiple times a day. I just feel like I don't even want to speak to him any more!

I am so mad and I just want to punch something and cry. What am I supposed to do when I am speaking the way I always have and suddenly I'm getting yelled at every time? Maybe I should just start writing down my responses - oh, but then I'd be accused of being a smarta** and childish. I'm just sick of feeling attacked and I want it to stop. I don't see any way that I can find peace right now - no matter what I say it's the wrong thing or the wrong 'tone of voice.' I'm tired of it.

Maybe this isn't the right place to write this, and I don't really think there's any response I'm looking for - but this is all I have when it comes to a journal and it's either type this or - I don't know what. The up side is that I won't be sorry when he goes back on nights if this is what it's going to be like with him home. Seriously, he was home less than 20 minutes when this happened - again. What is going on, why does he filter everything I say through the 'she's an a**hole' lens right now instead of assuming I'm being sincere?

I still want to punch something. I guess this would be when running would be nice - or some nice violent sport like boxing. Ha, can you see me hitting something, really? I'm just frustrated. No more to report and at least I'm breathing a little more evenly now. Time to go have my bar and then teach my piano lessons and then for once be looking forward to rehearsal tonight to get me out of the house.

[katieb920]

Nickie,
I so feel what you are going through. I love my husband with all of my heart. But every once in awhile he goes through this phase for about 3-4 weeks. I have no idea what it is. When I see that it is starting I just try to walk away. But sometimes it is so hard. I know about punching something. I have wanted to do that.. I know that this is going to sound kind of corny, BUt take a deep breath. 3X. It makes me feel a lot better. You know you could of asked me 10 years ago if men go throught PMS and I would of said no. BUt let me tell you they do.......
Hang on girl
Katie

[nickieluv]

Thanks, Katie. I'm with you on male PMS - it does exist, but I don't think you can predict when it's coming. At least ours is on a regular cycle and you can duck and cover as needed!

I just asked him if we could both agree that, if the other one says something we think is snotty or sarcastic or whatever, that we would just keep going with the conversation as if the person said whatever they said in the most natural and inoffensive way possible. He laughed so I don't know if that's means he's willing to try it - but I for one will attempt to bite my tongue and carry on.

I was out of the house for over 5 hours for rehearsal tonight - ick. But it went well. Especially considering that we still don't have a trombone player for the pit, so I borrowed a school trombone and played! I haven't touched a trombone in at least 12 years, but it was fun to play again - and I picked up pretty well where I left off! (I was never very good to begin with....) It will be a fun experience this week, though - a chance for me to do something I'll probably never get to do again. But boy I need to practice for the next few days!

[nickieluv]

Oh, and the scale was up a little bit again this morning, so all this week I am going to have my L&G for lunch instead of dinner and see if that shakes things up at all. Maybe I'm having my 'big meal' too late and not giving myself enough time to burn the calories. I know on other diets that would be a problem, it may not be on MF - but it's worth a try and will work pretty well into my crazy schedule this week anyway. So, new meal schedule for the week:

8am RTD
10am RTD (usually 11am, and a bar instead of RTD)
Noon L&G (usually 1pm, and usually an RTD)
3pm RTD
6pm Bar (usually 5 and is my L&G)
9pm RTD (usually between 7-8pm)

It's not my usual spacing but I'll go back to my normal times next week. Maybe I'll see more steady small declines instead of big ups and downs. I'm also adding in a snack this week (taking MF crackers to rehearsal) because the nights will be so late, and it would be a long time between my last shake and bedtime. I don't want to be ravenous every morning or I'll make it really tough on myself. Just more compliant magic to come!

[Mike]

Nickie,
Not a real great insight here, but as a guy, I don know that we think and express things (and hear them as well) in a totally different way than women. Communication is one of the biggest problems that Di and I have, but we also have had to learn to respect each others differences.
We have also gone through meeting with an older couple at church and that helped alot.
Prayer, lots of prayer....

It sounds to me, just coming from me here.... that you both need some sit down and talk time, and perhaps a date night - that would do both things at once.

As to your progress, you are doing great... keep it up.

[Tawanda]

Nickie, you know that the program foods aren't enough calories to be adding any excess weight to your body so any scale increases have to be water weight. Don't worry about them, don't stress over them, it just maybe that your body is doing whatever adjustments that it needs to do during the weight loss and body size changes that you are experiencing. Remember the little visual of the Keebler type elves, working feverishly with their little wheelbarrows (moving those fat reserves and cells out of your tissues)---the fat is decreasing faster than they can keep up sometimes so they're doing the best they can.....and sometimes it takes a bit for them to catch back up.

Just growl a bit at the higher number and then keep going, knowing that the number on the scale will go down soon.

[nickieluv]

Tawanda, I had forgotten about the Keebler visual - I'll try to keep that in mind. I know it has to be just 'readjustments' but still it's frustrating. Then again, it's really nice on those days when you see a pound or more drop all at once. Don't know if I'd want to give that up, really, either. The challenge is keeping me on track - without that I know I'd let it get to me a lot more. I guess I'll just always have to have a challenge going! Whatever works, right?

Mike, thanks for the male perspective. My husband and I do need to get out together. The only time we are alone for some 'quality time' is on the golf course, and there's not a lot of talk time there unless you're behind a slow group - and usually WE'RE the slow ones! It's very hard to give up time with the baby but I have always said that kids need to see examples of a loving relationship, and that includes recognizing that keeping that relationship strong is just as important as time with the little ones. But I said that before I had a baby - now it's easier said than done!

Our anniversary is coming up in just a few weeks - we don't have the funds to go someplace insanely romantic, but maybe we'll have the baby spend the day/night at Grandma's just so we can be a twosome again for a bit. Again, I keep saying we have to do that, but neither of us is making it a priority.

Hey, the good news is that we've matured enough that we don't scream at the other one to just leave already. Yep, we used to be just awful. The marriage we have now is not the same one we had three years ago and thank God for that!

[DogMa]

Hey, just to throw in my 2 cents because ... well, because I'm a busybody. But coming so soon after the whole thing about your stepson, and your concerns that you and your husband aren't exactly on the same moral plane ... do you think there are any residual effects there, or that maybe some of that feeling is unintentionally coming through in the things you say (or the way you say them)? Or maybe not, but maybe HE has some residual feelings from that?

[nickieluv]

The main residual feelings are that he continues to see me as his father, who was hypercritical of everything my husband ever did or said - when he was even paying attention or listening in the first place, which was seldom. So the dear wife has to pay for the sins of the father, because my husband has low self-esteem and confidence issues. Which you might think is odd because he likes to do theatre and be onstage - but I think he does that just so he can pretend to be someone else. He's a wreck before every public performance he does, of any kind.

And I exacerbate the problem because by the time he gets home, I'm pretty much out of patience and sometimes I feel more like his parent than his wife anyway. So yes, we have issues that we pretty routinely sweep under the rug, and as long as things are good we're happy, and when the problems resurface things are rocky until a suitable amount of time has passed and we can ignore the problem again.

I'm sounding cynical about this whole thing, but there's more truth there that I'm probably trying to cover up by being sarcastic. Hmmmm - OK, so I may have said I was not at fault and on the particular occasion I wrote about here, I wasn't. But yeah, I've been part of the problem a lot.

We so need time to get to know each other again. Not that we don't know each other, but we're more "the baby's parents" than we are "a couple" and that's not healthy for us either.

My planned out eating schedule today did not work out - I was on the normal schedule today after all. But I'll try to do the altered schedule tomorrow because I really do want to have my L&G be earlier. But I'm once again discovering that I quite like not having my bar so early in the day. Maybe when school starts I'll pack my L&G for lunch and save my bar for dinnertime - have to see how I'm feeling in terms of hunger and energy when that time comes.

Ta ta for now - another late night tonight but they are numbered - only four more late nights and one busy afternoon after tonight is over. Boy will I sleep well Sunday night - not only is it the last performance, but that day is our pastor's last Sunday before retiring so there's a lot of music planned for the service, which I have to prepare and rehearse. Well, I won't sleep well Sunday night, because starting Monday I have the summer music camp I'm doing - so next Friday night I'll sleep well.

[DogMa]

A lot of famous actors talk about having self-esteem and confidence issues and how that got them into acting in the first place. I took a few classes awhile back to build my confidence, and enjoyed them very much for the reason you talk about - I liked being able to become someone different (I also liked the acting exercises we did, which helped me come out of my shell). So that doesn't sound unusual at all.

[nickieluv]

Yes, the acting thing really can pull you out of your shell. I grew so much by doing shows in high school - I went from a kid who wouldn't say 'boo' to someone who could at least hold up her end of a conversation. It helped me a great deal and I've always been grateful to the director who first cast me. Quite a risk when I couldn't be heard more than three feet away.

Today I wanted to cheat for the first time since I really got into this challenge - actually, I didn't WANT to so much as it sounded easy. I came home a little earlier today so that I would have time to get in my L&G on the altered schedule - only to realize that I had eaten my last 'quick meal' last night for dinner (except I forgot I had tuna until just now - darn it!). So in the freezer we have these PB&Js for the baby and I almost grabbed one - well, actually, it was more like I thought about grabbing one but the impulse didn't even have time to travel from my brain to tell my hand to reach out for one, I got over it that quickly.

So it looks like normal eating schedule again today. Which isn't so bad. I've seen little bitty losses the last two days - yes, and I said both times 'that's IT?' because I am impossible to please, even though the other day I said small losses every day would be nice to see. It's hard to keep in mind that if that happens every day I'll have lost two pounds by roll call. My dream each morning is to see onederland and it's just taking its sweet time. Wonder what I'll dream about when it gets here finally?

Is it silly that I have this feeling that once my weight starts with a 1, I will instantly feel lighter than air? I haven't been under 200 in - let's see (she counts on fingers) - 9 years? 8 years? Either way, it's been a long time. Too long. And at this moment I'm starting to be angry with myself for allowing my weight to get so out of control. You just get bigger and buy bigger sizes and convince yourself you don't look so bad - but you feel awful. But wishing things had been different doesn't change them, and I am grateful that I found MF and this board at just the right time for me to make a change. I believe it's one of those every day miracles that we sometimes take for granted.

Well, I have to run to make it to class - silly me, got home early but now I'll be late - it's always that way!

[DogMa]

We all wasted time being heavy, Nickie. Some just let it happen, some struggled against it but lost the battle, some were just ALWAYS overweight. But the important thing is we're doing something about it now. It's never too late - and you, especially, are still plenty young enough to enjoy a lifetime of being at a normal weight.

Heck, even those 8 or 9 years. In the grand scheme of your life, that's really not very long at all.

[bikipatra]

A lot of famous actors talk about having self-esteem and confidence issues and how that got them into acting in the first place. I took a few classes awhile back to build my confidence, and enjoyed them very much for the reason you talk about - I liked being able to become someone different (I also liked the acting exercises we did, which helped me come out of my shell). So that doesn't sound unusual at all.

I am definitely taking acting classes again as a gift to myself for reaching goal. I took classes all through middle school and went to a performing arts high school, and look with longingly at the classes offered locally on the Hill. I can hardly wait!