The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

nickieluv · by **nickieluv** » June 30th, 2007, 5:56 am

Well, this will be day 1. Tomorrow will be day 2. I'm not pretending it will be easy but I hope it's not ridiculously hard.

I did a lot of reading last night after Sojo's post, and I probably got a little crazy about it because I started reading all sorts of things and going 'that's me!' All the BDD stuff talked about the really severe cases, but there were a couple things that might have applied to me. But the really interesting thing was that I have every single one of the psychological warning signs for anorexia and bulimia, but I exhibit none of the medical signs and only a couple of the bulimic behaviors, though I've never purged. But then there's something called binge eating (a real thing, though, a disorder) where you don't purge, so I'm classifiable I guess.

I had a breakthrough back in early February when I really took off with MF, and also where I gave up trying to force other people to conform to my picture of reality. It seems like just the MF part is faltering but I have to know myself, and realize that when my eating is off it's because something else is bothering me. So I'm thinking of going back to the counselor to talk about other ways to cope with stress and emotions other than eating. This latest tailspin started with stress at work, and then I just didn't try very hard to pull myself out of it, even after 6 days of compliance the last week of school. And my excuse for eating every time was something like 'I'm tired,' or 'I'm stressed,' or 'I don't have time to cook' - all of which are silly excuses. If I'm tired, I shouldn't be eating, I should be sleeping. If I'm stressed, I should try to deal with the problem or go for a walk or something. And no time to cook? Just have an RTD or a bar. But it takes less time to even nuke oatmeal than it does to pick up the phone and then wait 30 minutes for food to arrive. Just silliness.

So, anyway - I'm going to try to be compliant and see if it works in reverse - if my eating is on track, maybe I will feel better about other things. Things I don't maybe realize I'm upset about. Or maybe it will just free me up to figure out what's bothering me instead of stuffing it down with food. That sounds more likely. I feel a little off today but maybe having time with my husband and fueling my brain and body better will help. All this talk of disorders - it's tempting to want to say I have depression or something and take a little feel-good pill - but that's not really what I want and when you know people who actually need medication it seems callous to think that way. I don't know. I'm just going to go because I'm simply babbling now.

bikipatra · by **bikipatra** » June 30th, 2007, 6:14 am

nickieluv wrote: All this talk of disorders - it's tempting to want to say I have depression or something and take a little feel-good pill - but that's not really what I want and when you know people who actually need medication it seems callous to think that way. I don't know. I'm just going to go because I'm simply babbling now.

Nickie, with your disordered obsessive thinking and mood swings, I think it is entirely likely that a psychiatrist would prescribe an antidepressant for you if you were honest about how you were feeling. I am not saying that to be harsh but basing my opinion on years of nut houses and shrinks. Do you honestly think it is a "little feel good pill"? It's not a trank. Have you ever read my journal? I am on two anti-depressants. Is my life perfect? They take the edge off for many people and have amazing results from others. I would try it before putting it down.

DogMa · by **DogMa** » July 1st, 2007, 8:09 am

Many years ago, after my parents died, I was clinically depressed - and I probably had been most of my life, although I didn't recoginize it until then. Anyway, I went to therapy, which didn't help, and I finally decided to see a psychiatrist and inquire about anti-depressants. And even though I'm the one who sought him out and asked about them, when he prescribed them for me, I couldn't stop crying. BUT I took them, and they turned my life around. Thankfully, after being on them for several years and now taking omega-3 capsules daily (shown in studies to improve both depression and bipolar disease), I am off the medication and doing much better. But if I ever sink into that hole again, I won't hesitate to get a new prescription.

They can be a lifesaver, Nickie. Depression (and, I think, OCD) is caused by a chemical imbalance in your brain, not some sort of moral failure or lack of will. If you were diabetic, would you refuse to take medication and consider it a "feel-good" pill? Antidepressants aren't happy pills and they don't magically fix all your problems. But they CAN improve your life and help you regain control of your life if you need them.

Looking back, we've been suggesting expert help since January. I really wish you'd give it more of a try.

nickieluv · by **nickieluv** » July 1st, 2007, 4:58 pm

It's not that I'm against medication if you need it. I don't know that I need it, that's all. I wasn't trying to be offensive - I've known people in 'real life' who have needed medication for a time, including my best friend and my mother. I've been to counselors - granted not for long periods of time, but I've always been honest - and no one has suggested that I need more. In fact, the last one told me I didn't need to come any more after a few sessions. But maybe the fact that I feel uncomfortable every time the subject comes up should tell me something.

Anyway - like Scarlett I'm choosing not to think about that right now - I'll think about that tomorrow.

I was not compliant yesterday but I have been today. I was instantly sobered about whether or not I needed to lose more weight when I felt jealous watching my husband perform today with a 95-pound co-star who his character was very friendly with. Not only thin but a stunning redhead. I know there was nothing going on but I also feel I wouldn't be quite so jealous if I felt I looked as good as her. So there's another very shallow reason to lose weight but there you have it. If it works to keep me going, then I'll make use of it before kicking it to the curb.

I'm feeling angry, I think. Angry about the comments made here. There's something about being told I need professional help that is not sitting well with me. I'm just being honest about that - I don't want anyone to censor themselves. Say what you think and feel. If I react strongly to it, that might mean I needed to hear it. But still, I don't know how to take it.

Lizabette · by **Lizabette** » July 1st, 2007, 8:00 pm

NICKI,
You have done so well losing over 50 pounds! A great accomplishment!
You know exactly what it will take to just go ahead and finish up what you have started.
You look good now and feel much better, but it will be even better...
Hey, why isn't that pretty new picture of you on your avatar? :-P

Mike · by **Mike** » July 1st, 2007, 9:19 pm

Nickie,
Alot has been said here. You've read it, so take it as it is. Just as nobody will tell you to do as they say with regards to daibetes or high blood pressure (we say talk to your doctor), the same goes for whatever feelings or thoughts you may experience or feel with regard to your thoughts (discuss these with whatever cousel you you talk those things through with).
Nobody here is going to tell you to take this or that, or that you have this or that. Its all simply thoughts based on our own experiences.
That said, I think you know yourself well enough, and as Liz said, you've lost 50 something lbs on this program to know what works best for you.
We all have our issues, and we all deal with those issues differently. There is no single answer for all, but there is an answer for each of us as individuals on how to deal with the situations that affect us.
Knowing your religious leanings, I would say pray about it, and follow where God leads.
I hope I didn't step over any lines here, just my own humble opinion.
:mrgreen:

Karli · by **Karli** » July 1st, 2007, 9:31 pm

I second, and really appreciate Mike's post !

Karli · by **Karli** » July 2nd, 2007, 6:18 am

Hi, Nickie. I just wanted to post in quickly regarding an issue you brought up earlier, having to do with self-perception.

I think that what you are experiencing is *totally* normal, actually, in terms of wondering if you will look the same or not once you hit goal. I also think it's a distraction from one's path and one that needs to be pushed through. You WILL NOT look the same.

But, I went through my own version of that, too. I felt like there was this huge "middle-land" after the initial losses happened and there had become a big difference from where I had been ... and it seemed that after 20 pounds, I just looked the same poundage after poundage -- and then I just didn't anymore. At some point (not until right about when I "hit goal"), I finally looked different and the fat that was sticking around was either just not there anymore, or it was significantly less cumbersome (my mid section always needs a careful eye ... hee hee).

It was difficult for me to personally walk through that middle land and I struggled *a lot* with my own demons, a sense of discouragement, my own sense of "why am I doing this if ... ?" kind of stuff. But then, I came out on the other side of it and have been trying to learn from the journey in these months since.

Well, the point is really not about me but more about the fact that I can relate to that kind of thinking, and I think that actually quite a number of people can. That's a big part of why people give up on "diets" after they reach a certain point. But, you don't have to give up and you don't have to get lost in this "middle land" -- you can come out the other side just like you have seen others here do.

Anyway, cheers ! Isn't it interesting how life itself has a way of sobering us up to what we need to do ? There are a lot of teaching philosophies out there about "helping" people get tougher and so on, but I think life itself does a lot of that for us.

Karli

nickieluv · by **nickieluv** » July 2nd, 2007, 6:26 am

Thanks Lizabette, Mike, and Karli - and Biki and Robin, too. I know that everything here is presented as advice based on personal opinions - you have to choose what resonates with you and if it leads you somewhere, then fine. If it doesn't work for you, move on.

I am feeling calmer this morning - and actually, yesterday I wasn't really furious or anything, just unsettled. I still think it's a good idea for me to see a counselor again, and I'll try to move forward with that in a few weeks when my husband's schedule changes. I've hit a wall with the weight loss and that really is usually indicative of other issues coming up for me - and I can see on my weight graph that the cheats have been coming faster and lasting longer.

Seeing that woman yesterday with my husband - and I know she weighs 95 pounds because she's the one I was talking about earlier who went on South Beach to lose some weight this summer - there was not even the slightest twinge in my brain that something was going on between them, but I know how things are in shows and I know my husband likes her as a friend and he's had to have his hands all over her in more than one production. That was a long sentence. Anyway, seeing him with her I was mostly jealous that even if I could have done the production, there's no way I could have played her character and been opposite my husband. We had a director who did all the summer shows when we first met, and she would cast us opposite each other all the time, even when one or the other of us completely did not fit the character. I don't agree with that either. So what needs to happen is that I need to be versatile enough that I can play many kinds of characters, so that if the opportunity arises I will know that it wasn't my weight that kept me from a part. Obviously if the character is supposed to be 6 feet tall that won't be me - but that's not something I have control over. I would hate to know in my heart that I missed out on a part because it simply would not be appropriate to have an overweight person playing that character. And would it be nice to be lifted in dance sequences? Sure.

But it would be nice in general to know my husband could lift me up on any given occasion. There's just something unfeminine to me about weighing more than my husband. Having lost over 50 pounds, I feel more feminine than I have in a long time, but still there's a long way to go. And it may have taken me a few weeks to grasp it, but I get it now - the only way to get over my fear that losing more weight will make no difference is to lose more weight and see what happens.

I still feel that I can relax my eating when I reach goal. I maintained my weight for over a year after my daughter was born, and I lost weight in the early stages of my pregnancy, and the main difference was that I was eating without guilt. I wasn't able to be on a diet while pregnant and breast-feeding, so I didn't have to judge myself. Eating does not have to be about deprivation, just as it doesn't have to be about excess. I believe I can find the middle ground, I just haven't been successful with that yet. And knowing how I feel now when I eat poorly, I cannot see me wanting to continue those habits and ruin a body I will have worked very hard to get.

Well, I am on to day 2 of compliance. I have renewed motivation. My goal is to make it through July without cheating, including my possible weekend vacation. If I can do that, I will move on to August. One month at a time. I think I'm ready to do this now. Somehow I feel differently than I have for the past couple of weeks. Centered perhaps - more focused.

Lizabette · by **Lizabette** » July 2nd, 2007, 6:38 am

I am bubbling over for you, NICK! :heart:

bikipatra · by **bikipatra** » July 2nd, 2007, 10:05 am

I am happy for your compliance. And just remember jealousy is a poison intended for others that you drink yourself.

nickieluv · by **nickieluv** » July 2nd, 2007, 11:26 am

Oh, I know, Biki, and I try not to harbor ill feelings or thoughts because it does only hurt yourself. But I can honestly say I wish this person no ill, I know her and she's a decent human being. I don't want to BE her, I just want the ability to do what she does. And I actually have all those abilities but my weight is going to get in the way of me expressing them fully unless I continue to work on doing something about it.

I feel good about being compliant yesterday and today I'm trying to get back on track with my water in addition to compliance. I have something a little more concrete to motivate me now and that's really helpful.

I want to lose weight so that I can open myself to every opportunity to use my talents and abilities, musical and otherwise. I can do better in all things without pounds holding me back and causing me pain emotionally.

I have made such big strides and I know I am becoming the best person I can be. I don't need to settle - that's what I've been doing all my life. I can allow myself to excel, and know that trying might mean failing. And that's OK. But I don't believe I will fail. I have a lot of support from others and my own well of strength from many sources to help me get there. Wherever 'there' ends up being, wherever I want it to be.

I just need to believe in myself and sometimes I lose that - but it's back.

bikipatra · by **bikipatra** » July 2nd, 2007, 12:19 pm

nickieluv wrote:.

I have made such big strides and I know I am becoming the best person I can be. I don't need to settle - that's what I've been doing all my life. I can allow myself to excel, and know that trying might mean failing. And that's OK. But I don't believe I will fail. I have a lot of support from others and my own well of strength from many sources to help me get there. Wherever 'there' ends up being, wherever I want it to be.

I just need to believe in myself and sometimes I lose that - but it's back.

I am so glad for you Nicks. You are ready to get back in the ring!

queenielou · by **queenielou** » July 2nd, 2007, 12:41 pm

Hey Nickie,

Glad to hear you made it through yesterday successfully

Did I tell you that you are my moving target? So I always look at your weight and it gives me a target to shoot for. I know you've lost much more than me already, but when I started, you were on your way to the teens and I remember celebrating that and thinking soon I would be in the teens, too. So now you're almost in the single digits and soon I will be there, too. The more days you're compliant (and the more weight you lose) makes the target even more elusive for me, which is a good thing because it makes me stay on track and work harder.

You are a source of inspiration

So even though you didn't know it, you have been a part of my challenge to myself. I'm not competing with you or anything, I just like seeing you lose so I know what I have to look forward to. Keep up the great work. If this is another one of those 7.5 pound loss weeks for you, I will really have to work harder

Team Nickie :cleader:

SuzyQ66 · by **SuzyQ66** » July 2nd, 2007, 12:43 pm

Hi Nicki - glad you decided to stay and continue. It sounds like you turned a corner. I can agree with a lot of what Karli said - the middle portion of this journey is difficult. I did great and walked a straight line until I got sick at the end of April and for part of May. Then things went haywire for me and sometimes still do. But one thing that I have learned is that this is a journey for life. There are going to be bumps in the road. We need to just pick ourselves up - brush ourselves off - and start again. It took me over 20 years of dieting to learn this. I don't know what clicked this time around - I have heard that message over and over before - but for some reason have only allowed myself all or nothing on whatever program I was following. Once I messed up - it was too difficult to start again - so I continued to mess up. This time - it's okay. I don't have to beat myself. I just start again. Just like you have been doing - you just start again - Congrats Girl!!

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