The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[bikipatra]

Nicks-just wondering how you were doing. It better not involve that pizza delivery guy.

[DogMa]

I'm worried. Has she not posted since Monday?

[SuzyQ66]

Nicki - where are you hiding??

[Serendipity]

Nickie?

[Tawanda]

Hopefully she'll check in soon........

[ChynnaDoll]

Hi Nickie!...just wanted to check to say hello and see how you are doing. Hope everything is going well for you my friend.

Love,
Chynna

[bikipatra]

Nicks, I am really concerned about you. Of course there is the possibility that you have been compliant all this time and just have had computer problems. But if it is anything else keeping you away, like eating off program, short of eating your husband-we can help! I promise.

[nickieluv]

Hey guys. I'm doing OK. It was my first week at my church job, and I've had rehearsals - I just didn't make coming here a priority. I have been eating off-plan, every day has been day 1 - I guess I just don't want to be compliant lately, or I would be.

Today I'm home all day - nowhere to go, nothing to do. So I have no excuses. I'm not sure what I'll do about a L&G today, but I am going to eat heavier supplements like oatmeal and stew. I guess you could say I've just taken a little break - kind of experimenting with off-plan eating and how it affects me. I'm up less than a pound so in a way that's encouraging for maintenance - although I have to be prepared to eat healthier in maintenance.

I've got major baby fever and I'm sick of waiting, but with my luck we'd get pregnant the first month we tried and I really want to wait until winter. Well, I don't WANT to wait, but it's best that I work another full year for our financial situation, and even better if I could start the 2008 school year for a month or so - that way I'd have enough sick days to get 6 weeks paid leave and then start my unpaid leave.

So all this means that I should just be on-plan all the time because with luck I could be within ten pounds of goal by winter.

I'm still struggling with the fact that my current size matches my personal view of myself. I'd like to be thinner but I don't really think I can be. I know at one time I've weighed 60+ pounds less than I do now, but even then I looked like this, like I do now, in the mirror. I know, I couldn't have REALLY looked like this when I was wearing size 10s, but it's what I believed I looked like. This size is what I identify with. So I have a 'what's the point' kind of attitude - why keep dieting when this is as good as it gets?

I know you all were here to help me, but I didn't feel there was any help for me. And my off-plan eating had a feel of the inevitable to it. So I sort of wallowed in it. I did start off every day on-plan, had three supplements, and then dinnertime I'd go off. But my water intake was very low, except for Monday. I think I've figured out something that will work for me at my church job, though, and yesterday the water issue was much better.

I wanted to stay away until roll call and be able to report that I had a bad week but was compliant Friday and Saturday. To prove to myself that I could stay compliant without coming here every day, I guess. But I came here anyway. It's going to take me forever to get caught up on the posts.

I don't think it will be physically difficult to stay compliant today, but it will be a mental challenge to not go stand in the kitchen every hour looking for something to munch on when I'm really not hungry. And I'm bored with plain water so I'll probably flavor it most of the day, I think that will help with the sweet tooth and the munchies.

Part of me does want to see what I will look like at goal. But I'm scared. From here on out, all weight loss is entering uncharted territory for me mentally. I may buy smaller sizes but I'm afraid that in the mirror, I will only see what I see now, forever. And that I will lose heart and gain weight back. That because this is what I SEE, this is what I'm meant to be, and even if I lose more weight then I will try to maintain but I will gain enough to restabilize at a size 18 again and again.

I know you all tell me to stop thinking so much but I can't shut off my brain. These issues aren't going to go away just because I stifle them - or because I stop MF-ing, either, I suppose. So I will do everything I know how to do to stay compliant today. Thanks for caring.

[Tawanda]

Hi Nickie, I'm glad you've checked in and let us know how you are and what is happening in your life.

Perhaps you just need time to continue to work this out in your mind? It sounds like you are content with where you are and if that is the case, then, for now (or forever) maybe this is where you would like to stay? Perhaps mulling it over and figuring it out is what you need to do, it sounds like you are studying your thoughts and attitudes pretty carefully so maybe you just need a bit more time & mulling to find your answers.

Wish I knew something helpful to offer to make this easier for you.

[bikipatra]

We do care Nickie and I believe you can stay compliant the second you really want to. Maybe that isn't now for reasons you have outlined. But the best of luck in whatever you do and we always want to hear from you.

[Serendipity]

Nickie, Thanks for checking in. We worry.

It always amazes me how you talk about your life, feelings, and emotions, like you have no control over them......almost like you are watching your life on a movie screen.

When you decide to take control, you will find all kinds of power to stay compliant. Like bebes said.....when you want it.

[SuzyQ66]

Hi Nicki - I agree with Tawanda, Biki and Jo. When this becomes a priority for you - you will do it -and we will be there for you. Thanks for letting us know everything is okay.

[nickieluv]

At times it does feel like I have no control - and to an extent, I can't control what is happening. But I can control how I react to it. I know this, but I still choose to play the victim when it comes to my weight and my eating. I didn't realize I was sounding 'done to' in my last post but it could just be my own filters - I'm so used to talking that way that I don't see it?

I had a talk with my husband today and discussed many possibilities, among them 'taking a break' from MF for the summer but continuing to watch what I eat and do more exercise. I had not made a firm decision but then decided to take today off, too, and see what I felt.

I at first wanted to be compliant today. I did the stupidest thing. At 11 I got out a bar to have, but I dropped it on the kitchen floor right by the trash - not the cleanest spot in our house. I had to throw it away. And then I felt dumb for being clutzy and dropping it, and I hated that I had wasted the money I spent on it, so to punish myself I had nothing. Knowing all the while I was being an idiot.

So tonight, I ordered in. Three different meals because I told myself one was for me, one for the baby, one for my husband. Ha. I ate and ate and ate and ate. Which in a way was a good thing because I was wearing some new shorts and I had to take them off because I was getting so full and uncomfortable. Which made me realize how out of control I am being this week. I profess that I want to stay on MF and lose more weight - and I do - but I am determined not to let myself do it. My every action proves that I DON'T want to be on MF. But I do.

I know I have the power to be compliant - I've done it before, I have the marked-up calendar to prove it. My longest streak was 33 days.

What must be hysterical to those reading is that it's EASY to stay compliant. Much easier than going on and off, on and off. And in those 33 days of compliance, I lost 14 pounds. Why does that seem like so little all the time? Why do I still expect to lose 5 pounds a week, and when I don't I'm a failure or MF isn't working anymore? I'm terribly unrealistic and hard on myself - except when I'm not hard on myself at all, when I'm enabling myself to make bad choices under the guise of 'figuring things out.'

So - here's how I see the possibilities:
1 - I go off MF, eat whatever I want, and weigh 270 again by Christmas.
2 - I stay on MF, but lose no additional weight at all - maybe gain a few pounds.
3 - I go off MF, and by some miracle maintain my weight loss.
4 - I stick with MF, get my a** in gear and stay compliant, and lose more weight but still feel like I'm a size 18.
5 - I stick with MF and am a picture of compliance and get to goal in six months.

I told my husband today that I feel like I shouldn't bother trying to lose any more weight because even if I do, I'll look the same. I then said that the only way to test my theory is to lose more weight, which means staying on the program even through my doubts.

So - I'm going to do a couple of things. I'm going to try out some virtual models online and see what they look like at my goal weight. And then I'm going to follow Biki's eBay lead and get on there to find some fabulous goal dress in a 16 (because I'm not really a 16 yet except in Walmart clothes) and a 14 (I already have a couple of 12s) to hang on my closet door and work towards. I'm a visual gal. And I'm going to ask my husband to take some current pictures of me every so often so that I can compare and really try to get through my head what I really look like every 15 pounds or so.

Tomorrow is going to be hard I think. But I just have to remember why I want to do this. The answer at the moment is - because I feel horrible after I eat the way I used to all the time, and I don't want that to be all I have to fall back on if I go off MF. I have more to learn and I need the safety of MF to do it. I need the safety of a plan that I know works for me, if I stop getting in my own way. I need to stop equating happiness and freedom with pizza and ice cream. I need to learn how to be a maintainer and not a relapser.

[Sojourner]

Hiya, Nickie!

First of all, I'd like to thank you for the kind words you left in my journal where you wished me "peace with my BIL's decline."
That really touched my heart...thank you. My wish for you is that you could be as kind to yourself as you are to everyone else.

Remember when you were still pretty new to this forum and you spoke about having a touch of OCD? Well, not to get all psych student on you, but were you aware that Body Dysmorphic Disorder is considered a form or subtype of OCD? And did you know that people with a history of, or genetic predisposition to, OCD may be more susceptible to this condition?

There are really severe cases of BDD, which it doesn't sound like you are experiencing - but that thing about not being able to see yourself as you are kind of struck me. We all have some sort of issue with this, but it's more about becoming accustomed to changes in our appearance. What you've described seems more inline with an actual misperception of your appearance.

Do you still have access to that counselor you were seeing? I really think you should talk to a professional about this. BDD is a disorder. It requires treatment. Cognitive behavioral therapy has been highly effective, and I think you owe it to yourself to at least check it out. We know you can do the compliant thing, so wouldn't it be great to get this other thing out of your way? You'll be unstoppable.

I'm not trying to say that everyone else is wrong about it happening for you once you decide that you really want it. I'm a very strong believer in that philosophy...and that's exactly what it takes with me...but, in your case, I think it could be a little more than that.

Whadd'ya think?

[Mike]

Well, not to get all psych student on you, but were you aware that Body Dysmorphic Disorder is considered a form or subtype of OCD? And did you know that people with a history of, or genetic predisposition to, OCD may be more susceptible to this condition?

Too late Sojo.

Hang in there Nickie. We are all here to support you.