The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[nickieluv]

Well, up a bit today but I expected it. I had too much lean on my L&G last night - probably about double what I should have had, if not more - yeah, went overboard all right. And did not get in even half of my usual water intake. I skipped my last supplement, too, because I ate so much at dinner, even though I know I shouldn't have - I went about 15 hours without eating from last night to this morning. And you know what - in true cheat fashion, it wasn't even very good. At least I'm having not so bad cheats - maybe it's a progression and I'm moving in the right direction.

I was having some anxiety yesterday - when I am not doing MF, what's to stop me from going right back to my old ways? When nothing is expressly forbidden, when it's OK to have A SERVING SIZE of something like the evil Goldfish or pepperoni or slice of pizza - will I be able to stop? Will I let myself get full, or will I keep right on going and binge binge binge? The solution seems to be - have none of it in the house. Or - grow up and trust myself. I resist these things the vast majority of the time now, and I realize that when I indulge it has consequences that have nothing to do with the scale - bloating, uncomfortable feelings, digestive issues. Why can't I just trust that I won't want to do that to my body anymore, and therefore I won't go back to my old ways?

Because so many people DO go right back to their old ways. And I am a creature of habit. And I don't know if 10-12 months on MF is enough time to create new habits in a person as entrenched in the junk food as I was. Look at my last pregnancy - I was a picture of healthy eating all through it, then as soon as I gave birth some of the junk came back in - and when I weaned my daughter, everything was back to normal.

It will take conscious thought to make good choices and I have largely been an unconscious eater - even on MF - I pick up what I'm supposed to eat and eat it, without really thinking about it. The choices I agonize over are the bad ones. Maybe that's a good sign - if I'm torn, don't do it. As my mom says, 'when in doubt, do without.' I've used it in a lot of situations and it hasn't steered me wrong yet.

Well, anyway - the weekend away in two weeks did not work out, so we're doing it in July instead. On the 23/24 of June we are going to have a golf weekend together instead, and in July we're going to Alexandria Bay. The dinners and breakfasts are included in the price of the package, so I already know I'm going to do a 4/2 when on vacation - but the menus are right online so I can easily get approved L&Gs for both meals, and then have my RTDs and a bar the rest of the time. I know the best choice would be staying 100% compliant but I have a plan and I'm going to stick to it. As long as I don't go crazy at some buffet I will consider the weekend a success if I am 4/2 for a day - because really it will only be Saturday that I'll do that - Friday my L&G will be dinner when we arrive, Sunday it will be breakfast, and then we're coming home that day. So I won't be able to roll call until Monday of that week.

Well, I really need to go - the classes are coming and I am not quite organized for the day yet. The week from h-e-double-hockeysticks is about to begin....

[Serendipity]

when I am not doing MF, what's to stop me from going right back to my old ways?

Nickie, What has worked for me is to remind myself that I can't have my cake and eat it, too. Going back to the old ways will obviously not work. I remind myself of how painful the last trip up the scale was. Anyone who has lost a good deal of weight and gained it back can tell you that it is a very painful and seemingly hopeless experience.

When I started medifast this time, I swore to myself that it would NOT happen twice. I don't think I could have taken it psychologically. To remind myself of that pain every day has been enough to keep me sane with my food.

Sure, a set back here and there happens, but I have not hidden from the scale. I have faced my demons and right now, I'm winning.

We need to face that it will be a life long battle, learn how to deal with setbacks in a sane and reasonable way, and accept the fact that we can't have everything we want when we want it if we want to be healthy and thin.

[nickieluv]

...accept the fact that we can't have everything we want when we want it...

You know, I say this type of thing to my daughter almost every day - and yet the example I give her is that this is not true - or at least that I wish it weren't true. Do as I say, not as I do? You're right, Jo, I need to acknowledge that getting what you want all the time is not healthy. There are consequences to every choice, both good and bad.

Well, class is here again! Pesky kids!

[nickieluv]

It has been/will continue to be a compliant day today. A real one. I have one more supplement I'm supposed to have before bed. I've been trying not to have so many RTDs just because I need to use up the stuff in my cupboard - I am not one of those with a six-month supply on hand, I try to order just enough for each month. On the other hand, I can see how having a stash would be really nice, especially coming into the summer with reduced income for a couple of months. I'll stock up while I'm pregnant, I guess, and since I can't eat anything with soy when I'm breastfeeding and I don't think there are any non-soy MF products, I'll have one heck of a collection when I'm ready to go back on MF again.

I am - annoyed - today. Not anything to do with MF - it's this show. I feel like there is such a lack of communication with the staff, and then what communication there is is often misinterpreted or misunderstood. I will be so glad when it is over. I asked the director about having my weekend off - the place we wanted to go, don't know if I said this, was all booked up and the only weekends they had available were the weekend of my show (out obviously) and the weekend before. So we took the weekend before. We can cancel as long as it's 7 days ahead of our reservation, and still get our deposit back, but we didn't want to lose the room.

So I'm thinking there will be no problem taking off that weekend. I made arrangements with others to be at the one rehearsal I'm going to miss to take my place, and I was going to miss another little thing that I didn't see I was needed for in the first place. I call it a 'little thing' because the director has downplayed it from the start. Well of course, suddenly I want to miss it and it's a big-deal performance, and she rearranged the whole schedule just to suit me (bulls***) and she thought we were a team and blah blah blah. This is the same woman who has changed the rehearsal schedule three times and not seen fit to inform me, the assistant director, or all the members of the cast. And the same woman who has planned 14 days of run-throughs and performances with NO DAY OFF for a show that has a large amount of children under the age of 17 in it. When I told her I thought this was ridiculous, way too strenuous for the cast, she just brushed me off. So I said fine, I'll be there, but I'm not asking the pit to come in on a SUNDAY for a rehearsal - OK, typing this, I guess I'm more mad than annoyed. Because today she throws this in my face that there will be no pit that day.

I just want to tell her to chill out. She told me up front that this would be a family show, she doesn't want any stress, just a nice low-key production - well, how family-oriented is it to keep kids out late at night for 2 straight weeks and still expect them to perform up-to-par? How family-oriented is it to almost be in tears (OK, I know she's frustrated about other things, too, but please) when this 'low-key' show's vocal director wants ONE DAY off so she can have an ANNIVERSARY trip with her husband, which they haven't been able to do in almost 5 years?

I wasn't sure if I wanted to go this direction, but typing here - I think I need to ask for a meeting with her. There are major frustrations and I keep brushing them under the rug because it's only a few weeks out of my life and I know I will never do this again (unless I'm going to get paid a VERY good sum, not for free as I'm doing now).

We left it as - I will keep the reservations for now. Before our deadline to call and cancel we will have been running the show for two weeks. I said we could talk then about how things are going and how comfortable she feels with me taking the time off. And I hope that when the time comes she'll be OK with it. I mean, come on, this is not Broadway, and I know it's important to her but it's a rinky-dink sticks-ville show. And I'm not being a snob here - I grew up in a town a third the size of this one, I know sticks-ville when I see it. Yes we have a great cast, it's going to be a really good show and I don't see the need for all the fuss - maybe it's just because I have a baby now. I know that I used to be the same way - the show was everything, I let myself get all stressed about it - now I am so much more 'go-with-the-flow.' Ha, as I've been talking about my stress with my own performances coming up for school - but that really is different. I have it in perspective, I realize that in the long run no one will remember the little flaws that might remain, they will just see a good performance. It's the stress of a time crunch, a first-timer.

I find it ironic that this same director who is worried about the show is also cancelling rehearsals right and left because she's so far ahead. And she's mad now that her choreographers are not doing more when I know for a fact they were both up front with her about what they would commit to, as was I - and now that not everyone is approaching this with the same feelings she has, she's feeling pissed and stressed and alone.

I do have empathy for her - I just wish she'd relax.

OK, so now that I've written all this stuff that no one but me cares a fig about - I'm going to go e-mail the director again and tell her I think we need to have a talk. Seven weeks is not the end of the world but this is also someone I call a friend (not that you could tell from all my venting) and I don't know that we can remain friends if we have this between us, either now or in the future if I just 'let it go.' I want her to know that I understand her point of view and her feelings, but that I am coming from a different place - and maybe I can impart some calmness her way.

[nickieluv]

Okay, so I was NOT compliant yesterday. Instead of my last supplement I had pepperoni and cheese (so very not lean or green) and then I had a package of MF crackers. So I ate the right number of meals, but not the right things. And I know it was stress eating - but I had an epiphany this morning when I stepped on the scale.

It was up, of course, and I expected it, so there was no anxiety. So I feel that I am cheating because I am afraid the scale is going to go up no matter what I do, so if I'm cheating at least I'll have a reason for it. Also I lost so much more last week than I ever expected that I feel I have a buffer of some sort, because even with small gains the number I'm seeing is still lower than I expect to see.

So today my goal is to be compliant - and to be that way all the way until roll call. I have enough to worry about without adding what I eat to the list - keep it simple sister, don't make yourself work so hard!

Oh, and for anyone who slogged through my last entry - the director and I are having a meeting on Friday. She seems to be looking forward to it and to be approaching it in the same spirit I am - a time to clear the air and then move forward. So I think it will be a good thing. She wants drinks, so I hope she won't feel odd about drinking when I'm not - both because I don't want to drink when I'm watching the baby, and secondarily because it's not allowed on MF. But mostly the baby thing - I'm a not a big drinker anyway, maybe once a year I'll have something, usually around Christmas.

So - it's going to be a good day. No rehearsal tonight, just me and baby time once my piano lessons are over. Looking forward to it.

[Lauren]

Nickie, I say the following with only the best and kindest intentions:

You need to get out of your head.

Seriously.

Stop rationalizing. Stop coming up with reasons. Stop finding excuses. Stop analyzing the "whys" after each cheat. Just stop. You are making this so much more difficult and agonizing than it need be. You need to just not consider anything else an option. Non-compliance is not an option. These off-plan foods do not exist for you. Seriously. When I was fully on the program, in my mind, I was stuck on a desert island with MF foods and some lean protein and veggies. Other foods DID NOT EXIST for me. People asked if I was tempted, I asked "by what?" :-) I'm not kidding. Each day you struggle because you keep reminding yourself of the food in your cupboards, of the foods you "shouldn't" eat if you are fully compliant. You either need to remove the food from your home, or, more importantly, remove it from your consciousness.

Will this set you up for long term healthy relationship with food? Maybe not. But it will make each day RIGHT NOW so much easier. STOP THINKING! :-)

Okay, this has been a Lauren Public Service Announcement (PSA). I hope you are cool with it, and not annoyed, because I just want to see you get through this with greater ease - as of right now it feels agonizing to read about, so I can't imagine having to live it! haha

Good luck, kiddo!

lauren

[ChynnaDoll]

Heyyyyy Mz Nickie!!!...just dropping over to give you a ((((BIGGGGGG HUGGGGGG)))) and to let you know i'm thinking of you!!!!

Have a Super day today!

Chynna

[nickieluv]

Thanks for checking in, Chynna - I hope you are on the mend!

Lauren, I was not offended - I KNOW I think too much. It's easier said than done to stop it, though. I am an over-analyze over-think kind of person in every aspect of my life pretty much.

I just gave in and had pizza last night. Felt the usual - bloated, dehydrated, went to bed unable to even move, nauseous - took all the leftovers and smeared them with cat food, then threw it in the outside trash. I knew if I left it in the fridge it would either tempt my husband or me, so I didn't bother pretending it was for the baby or anything. Why would I want her eating that junk anyway?

It was conscious choice to eat what I did, though. I don't know which of the many things that have been bothering me I finally had enough of, but my solution was to eat some junk and move on. And it may be a coincidence but I feel a lot calmer today somehow. They call it comfort food for a reason, after all - not physical, obviously, but emotional.

I don't mean to sweep it under the rug but I'm tired of coming here to confess. I need to do it, but I'm sure you'll all as sick of reading it as I am of typing it. So I don't want to dwell on this one. Everything I say will just be second-guessed anyway (by me, I mean) as being a rationalization or an excuse. So I just won't say anything.

The L&G is doing me in - the green part. I'm bored with green beans, broccoli, and salad. So I need to shop and get some more options. If it's driving me crazy again tonight I'll just go 6/0 for a couple of days until I can get to the store.

Hope everyone has a great day - I'm off to teach.

[Tawanda]

[Mike]

The L&G is doing me in - the green part. I'm bored with green beans, broccoli, and salad. So I need to shop and get some more options.

Nickie, glad you are feeling better about everything.
As to the "green".... what kinds of stuff on the list do you like and what do you absolutely not like. Perhaps we can help with some alternate recipes to help.
If you like squash, mushrooms, tomatoes, and turnips, I have some recipes for ya.

[nickieluv]

I do like squash and mushrooms, actually - for a couple of weeks I was having steak and mushrooms twice a week for something different and it was very yummy. I'm not much of a cook so I have the broccoli or green beans that you steam right in the bag - easy and fast. I could try some fresh stuff I guess - once I had cut-up peppers as my green, even though they were yellow and red. I thought I read that those colors of peppers were OK. And I had a cucumber once. That's OK, right?

So I have had a 'bad' dinner for three days. Pizza Tuesday, Chinese Wednesday (I kept professing I had no desire for it, and really I didn't, but I got some to see if I really would still like it - awful, and awful consequences too) and then Taco Bell last night (also pretty yucky but kept eating what I had bought - all of it, even after being full - couldn't waste money, I guess). And you know what? I don't feel bad about it. Afterwards each day I wished I could go back and just be compliant, but of course you can't do that. And I didn't like the consequences. But I did what I did, consciously, even though it was the wrong choice at the time.

So I've decided on a few things.

1 - I can lose a lot more weight. My body has more changes in store. It is ridiculous to think I could lose 70 more pounds and still look the same as I do now.

2 - I am taking the scenic route. From time to time I choose to go off-plan. I am willing to accept the consequences. And I forfeit my right to complain of slow losses or not reaching my goal when I wanted.

3 - Throughout this, I have had no doubt that I will reach my goal. No doubt that I would continue with MF. While I may be what you call a 'casual user,' not meeting the strictest code of conduct, I am still here. I have lost 50 pounds. I will lose more. I am not letting myself down.

So there you have it, folks. I am really at peace with this. I will reach goal when I am good and ready. I will not agonize over my choices. I will just live my life and eat what I eat and suffer or enjoy the consequences. This is not the path many would choose, but it's the one I choose. It may be harder in some ways but it releases me from my own judgement, and frees me to continue toward my goal without regret.

This is not to say I don't have expectations of myself. I am going to try to remain compliant for the entire summer and I'd like to be in the 70# club by September. I began some mild upper body strength training this morning and am going to continue with that work. I will be more active this summer and I think it's going to be a good one.

And of course I still worry about disappointing others, but I am not disappointed with myself. I am trying. Of course Yoda says 'do or do not - there is no try' - but I'm not trying to be a Jedi master, just human. Don't know where that little tidbit came from.

[bikipatra]

Nicks, very early in this program after a slip up, I stated that I didn't need anyone's approval on this board. It sounds like you just said the same thing. In many words. But I had a glass of water in front of me so it was okay.

[Mike]

2 - I am taking the scenic route. From time to time I choose to go off-plan. I am willing to accept the consequences. And I forfeit my right to complain of slow losses or not reaching my goal when I wanted.

3 - Throughout this, I have had no doubt that I will reach my goal. No doubt that I would continue with MF. While I may be what you call a 'casual user,' not meeting the strictest code of conduct, I am still here. I have lost 50 pounds. I will lose more. I am not letting myself down.

Great sentiments. We are all different and we all have different goals. Its as we always go back to, "what do you want?". I'm among the slow losers as I am not as strict as I need to be to get the weight off as fast as I could, and while I do frustrate myself at times.... its life, and I keep at it. So, keep at it.

As for the veggies.... I know you like things quick and easy.... perhaps preparing the green ahead of time and keeping it in the fridge (or freezing it in ziplocks then lightly saute them later? Just a thought. BTW, cucumbers are on the list.

[nickieluv]

Nicks, very early in this program after a slip up, I stated that I didn't need anyone's approval on this board. It sounds like you just said the same thing. In many words. But I had a glass of water in front of me so it was okay.

When have you ever known me to be brief?

The thing is, I thought I DID need the approval of everyone on this board. I'm a people-pleaser - or I was. I'm learning to let go of that and do what feels best for me without feeling guilty. And did you notice I refrained from saying "please don't leave me/hate me/hurt me?" I need the support I get here but I can't ask anyone to watch me take the long way - I know it's frustrating to see for some people. But I did, and still do, promise not to gripe here about my losses when it's my own fault.

Mike - I'll do what I can about that green. It's almost summer and fruits are going to be calling my name in convenient little packages - I need to find veggies that are approved and that I can stand to eat raw. Time for some experimenting I guess....

[ChynnaDoll]

Nickie..you KNOW i'm in your corner girl:+) You only have YOURSELF to please and that's what really matters. Like Mike somewhat said, we're all on this journey in an individual way because nobody's weight matters are handeled in the same way as someone else's all the time. WE have to do the BEST we can do in our own individual situation and if it will be like you said a "casual" user then alrighty'then!..this is what you feel will be "best" for you:+)

Good luck to you my friend!

Love'ya
Chynna