The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[nickieluv]

Biki - I'm just taking a cold pill for all kinds of symptoms - but sore throat was one of them. I didn't know if ibuprofen would work but we have some - I'll try it - and I did use the (generic) Chloraseptic this morning when I couldn't sleep because of the pain. It numbed it enough for me to doze off and on. Maybe it's postnasal or something because it's worse at night and better during the day, when I'm vertical. At this point in the day it just feels sore - I'm not even "swallowing peanuts" anymore. So thank goodness. I tend to suffer longer than I should because I don't like to take medicine for anything - I'm afraid I'll develop a tolerance. It's probably crazy, but that's my tune.

Tawanda - I forgot to mention in my first post this morning (because my husband wanted the computer so I was rushing) that when I saw the number on the scale, I decided I had to try on my last pair of thin pants today. I bought them the same size as the other 2 pair, but these were cut differently and didn't quite fit. Well, this morning they buttoned right up and they feel comfortable. So there is my silver lining - I know I must be losing because these pants didn't fit before, and now they do. I just really prefer to see those smaller numbers on the scale, of course. But that was a nice pick-me-up.

On the good/bad side - I had to retire a shirt today. It was my favorite top but so dressy that I only got to wear it a few times. I put it on today with my new pants and it did nothing for me - it's now about 2 sizes too big. So I had to give it to my mother and sister - they are losing weight, too, but I started first so my good clothes go right to them for as long as they can use them. I wound up wearing a top that I wore at my highest weight, but could never button (it's like a fake twinset, so I left the top layer open all the time) and I could button it today. Not that I did - I like the way it looks open better - but I COULD button it if I wanted to.

Anyway, that's me looking at the bright side. I am going to make it through these 90 days of compliance, and to help myself I have to keep the self-defeating attitude out of my mind.

I'm gaining anyway (or hardly losing) so I might as well eat what I want - substitute with - Even though my weight is staying pretty steady, I feel really energetic and my clothes are fitting better, so this is much better than any food.

I feel fat - substitute with - I'm down in the dumps today, so I'm going to think of something nice I can do for myself or for someone else to improve my mood.

I can't wait until I'm off this dumb plan so I can eat whatever I want - substitute with - Someday in maintenance I am going to be able to nourish my gorgeous and deserving body with even more healthy and delicious foods, like fruit and dairy and grains, and I never have to go back to the way I used to feel about myself and my body.

When it comes to 'deserving' a bite or a binge of a certain food - what I really deserve is to be happy and healthy. My body deserves nourishment, not abuse. My emotions deserve expression and resolution, not camouflage and denial. I am a worthy, loved, and loving person, and I deserve not only to have what I need and want, but to be honest with myself and others about what that really means.

Right now I feel I should add - I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR!!! But seriously, what's wrong with being strong and getting what you need and want out of life, as long as you are not walking all over other people and ignoring their needs? I am not bad because I have needs. I am not selfish because I have feelings. I'm sick of treating myself like dirt and everyone else like royalty. No more!

[bikipatra]

Glad the pants fit! That would have brightened my mood!

[Tawanda]

Nickie, you've got some excellent (and positive) self talk going! I need to consciencously think about doing that.....I do catch myself if I think something negative about myself---along the lines of 'that isn't true, why in the world would I even think it about myself?' . But I've not started any affimations so that I will hear & believe all the positives.....need to do that. I have a list of affimations around here somewhere....

How cool about the smaller pants and top!

[MerryMary]

Anyway, that's me looking at the bright side. I am going to make it through these 90 days of compliance, and to help myself I have to keep the self-defeating attitude out of my mind.

I'm gaining anyway (or hardly losing) so I might as well eat what I want - substitute with - Even though my weight is staying pretty steady, I feel really energetic and my clothes are fitting better, so this is much better than any food.

I feel fat - substitute with - I'm down in the dumps today, so I'm going to think of something nice I can do for myself or for someone else to improve my mood.

I can't wait until I'm off this dumb plan so I can eat whatever I want - substitute with - Someday in maintenance I am going to be able to nourish my gorgeous and deserving body with even more healthy and delicious foods, like fruit and dairy and grains, and I never have to go back to the way I used to feel about myself and my body.

When it comes to 'deserving' a bite or a binge of a certain food - what I really deserve is to be happy and healthy. My body deserves nourishment, not abuse. My emotions deserve expression and resolution, not camouflage and denial. I am a worthy, loved, and loving person, and I deserve not only to have what I need and want, but to be honest with myself and others about what that really means.

Right now I feel I should add - I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR!!! But seriously, what's wrong with being strong and getting what you need and want out of life, as long as you are not walking all over other people and ignoring their needs? I am not bad because I have needs. I am not selfish because I have feelings. I'm sick of treating myself like dirt and everyone else like royalty. No more!

<img src="http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_1_75.gif" alt="SmileyCentral.com" border="0"><img border="0" src="http://plugin.smileycentral.com/http%253A%252F%252Fimgfarm%252Ecom%252Fimages%252Fnocache%252Ftr%252Ffw%252Fsmiley%252Fsocial%252Egif%253Fi%253D36%252F36_1_75/image.gif"> Nickie, you have come a long way!! Congratulations!!
~Mary <img src="http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/8/8_3_17.gif" alt="SmileyCentral.com" border="0"><img border="0" src="http://plugin.smileycentral.com/http%253A%252F%252Fimgfarm%252Ecom%252Fimages%252Fnocache%252Ftr%252Ffw%252Fsmiley%252Fsocial%252Egif%253Fi%253D8%252F8_3_17/image.gif">

[nickieluv]

I'm feeling good today. Maybe typing out all those affirmations helped. My husband is really noticing the changes in my body and it's nice to hear his compliments. Today he was full of them. He's up putting the baby to bed now (I do weeknights, he does weekends) and I'm looking forward to just sitting on the couch together and watching a movie a little later. Still having throat issues but I forgot to dose myself so it's my own fault. Looks like I'll be heading to the doctor tomorrow, though, barring a miracle overnight.

All in all it was a good day, and a good Easter. I'm looking forward to my week of vacation - my daughter and I are having two play dates on Tuesday and Saturday, and I have the week off from piano lessons, and I do have church choir but it's going to be so low stress now that Easter is over. I'm excited to get started on a new routine with them, new music and rehearsal plans, to increase their confidence and have more fun worshipping and less stress practicing.

Well, I have more posts to read so I need to go. So much for not checking in much today - but it's always nice to be here.

[nickieluv]

I woke up yesterday and the sore throat was just a twinge - throughout the day it disappeared. I took the cold medicine again today though (didn't take any yesterday) because we're out of the house all day for a play date and I don't want to take any chances.

Baby is teething again - getting molars - so she's hopped up on Children's Motrin right now. I hope it doesn't make her too tired - but we've learned from experience that when she's unusually whiny and chewing on her fingers, it's best to dose her right away so she'll feel better.

I don't know what I weigh - I've missed my official 'first-thing-in-the-morning-naked' weigh-in since Sunday because I'm on vacation - so I don't shower first thing on vacation, I do it later in the day after a leisurely morning. It feels a little strange to not know for sure - but I'll know on Thursday because I have to leave the house first thing to have blood drawn again for my thyroid testing (still every two months while he adjusts my dosage). Not that anyone wanted that mental picture but come on - we all do it, right? Part of me is of course hoping that by staying off the scale I'll be astounded when I do weigh and have lost 10 pounds!!! Just kidding - 9 pounds.

Well, the baby is all ready for her playdate, but I'm not - so I have to go. My friend knows I'm on this diet (she's the one we had breakfast with two weeks ago) and I already told her not to feed me, I'd bring my own stuff. So I had my L&G for breakfast, and I packed 64oz of water and 4 supps - which should hold me all day since I don't know how long we'll be there - and I packed a variety of things, not just RTDs, in case I'm so starved for some reason I have to have 'real' food.

Anywho - bye bye for now - it's odd not checking in so much in the day!

[bikipatra]

Glad you are so prepared, Nicks! It is a great sign of commitment! I am glad your friend knows about your being on program too. That is so good.

[bikipatra]

Nicks, where are you? You didn't run off with some cute guy, did you?

[nickieluv]

Well, I sort of did. Yesterday the baby was at Grandma's so that my husband and I could have a day alone. No hanky-panky it turned out, but just spending time together and talking and 'hanging out.' And we went in the afternoon and picked up my little sister, who's spending a few days with us over this break. We're 16 years apart - my Dad had her after the divorce from my mom - so I feel really lucky that we get to spend time together at all. I don't know if I'm part sister and part Mom in her mind being so much older, but she visits 2 or 3 times a year and I'm trying to enjoy it before she gets too much older and doesn't want to come over anymore. She's 12.

So I'm just popping in today for a bit - don't know when I'll be back again - but I'm not cheating! I feel pretty good - the last few days I've seen steady losses, and I was down to 225.5 this morning and it's only Thursday! I have this little dream that I'll lose another 1.5 by Sunday and make the 40# club this week - but even if I don't, I know I'll post a nice loss. It's been very encouraging that I haven't gone off plan on this vacation. It gives me some confidence for summer that I can keep going even being home all the time. I have had lots of foody distractions, though - foods I normally don't even like, but they look and smell so good - and with my sister here, we've got temptations galore that we usually don't keep in the house so that she had something to eat - not bad junk food, but as you know virtually nothing is on plan and I couldn't make her eat broccoli and chicken for 3 meals a day. But I am not really tempted to eat it - I just am remembering other foods and missing them - but I want to be as close as possible to goal by Christmas and I can't do that if I'm cheating. Plus I have my 90-day challenge that I've got to meet! 90 days of compliance - that would be awesome. And then 90 more.

Well, that's all for now. I've read a lot today trying to catch up, but not posted much - when I'm back at work I'll have more time.

[bikipatra]

Nice to hear you are doing well. My weight loss this week has been very slow. But that is largely out of my control but as long as I remain compliant and patient, I will eventually get the results I desire.

[nickieluv]

Okey dokey - I've been largely ignoring this but I think it's causing my mental hunger today - I was up 7/10 for no apparent reason. And today I have wanted to eat and eat and eat and eat. I've made the heartier supplements today, no shakes. I had a snack for the first time in at least a week, just to have something in my mouth. I ate salmon for dinner because it always seems like a lot of food. I am watching the clock dying for my next supplement. I made my sister a pizza and fed some to the baby and licked off my fingers - a little sauce and some pepperoni juices. And some tiny crust crumbs. I suppose that probably means I wasn't compliant today but I'm not counting that - no way. Considering that I wanted to eat the whole pizza myself, and I don't even like the toppings that are on it - and I wanted to devour an entire box of Cheez-its and I didn't even have one (although getting some for the baby I ALMOST put one in my mouth without thinking - close call!).

I am thinking back to Pashta saying that when she got really hungry, she'd see a good loss later on. I've already seen a nice loss for this week, but being greedy of course I always want more - so I'm kind of hoping that in the next two days some more will come off, and that's what this hunger means.

I can imagine my body as a person - or a community of individuals - saying "oh my God, she's serious about this - make her hungry, quick, we've got to get some FOOD!!!! This is an emergency! If she doesn't eat everything in sight right now we are going to DIE! We'll have to part with more pounds! No! NO!! NNNNOOOOOOOO!!!"

Thinking of it that way actually helps me to resist. It may not be true but it's helpful. In the past I would give in and eat - since it seems that is what my body wants. But the hunger will not last forever, and those little whiners are going to have to scrounge for food in my fat cells for now.

I can resist. I have been telling myself today that I just need to make it to 90 days, then I can have something. Again, that is not me saying I'm GOING to cheat then - but giving myself that little opening I always hope will help. Although - if I'm going to cheat later anyway, why not now? So that's the danger of that little game. Safer to just get through TODAY first.

Well, I'm actually sitting here right now thinking I'm not that hungry. Actually, I feel full from the salmon and broccoli (which I almost had to choke down, oddly enough) that I only had 90 minutes ago. I've had my 100oz of water today so I'm going to go pour myself a diet soda.

I'm not going to sacrifice what I want most for what I THINK I want now (thanks to whoever wrote that gem!!!). If I ate right now, I would just feel stuffed and uncomfortable and sick and disappointed in myself. I'm still trying to break 200 by the end of school - that's what my 90 days refers to - I can do it. And this summer when I feel hungry, I can go to the playground with the baby, or just take a walk with her, or play in the backyard, or get in the pool - there will be more distractions in nicer weather. I will be a lot slimmer than I am now, I will feel more active, and I will have a great, fun, MF'ing summer.

[bikipatra]

Nickie, are you good at differentiating actual hunger from having an appetite? Have you really been HUNGRY or just wanting to eat?

[nickieluv]

That's a question I still struggle a lot with, Biki. At this point I usually assume everything is mental or emotional hunger - because really, how could I be hungry when I just ate? And on MF, you've pretty much always just finished eating something. On the other hand, some days I try to space my supplements out more than usual (although still within the guidelines) to try to feel what physical hunger is actually like. So I'm still learning which is which. But I am confident that as long as I am following the program I'm getting what I need, and I do go ahead and have a snack if I think I want something more.

I think tonight was probably loneliness - my husband took the last two days off of work, but today he went in and I *gasp* missed him. Then he called about the time I was having dinner to say he was coming home early because he's still sick - and about an hour before he was due to arrive home was when my 'dying of hunger' feelings started to subside. Could be coincidence, I suppose. But it's suspicious I think.

At least I know that at this point in the game I have the tools I need to stay compliant. The fact that I can almost taste onederland, even though it's still 30 pounds away, helps. It's pretty amazing that on MF I can think in terms of losing 30 pounds and it's not only plausible, it even seems easy. Three sets of 90-day challenges and it'll be Christmas time - imagine where I might be then....

[bikipatra]

I think tonight was probably loneliness - my husband took the last two days off of work, but today he went in and I *gasp* missed him. Then he called about the time I was having dinner to say he was coming home early because he's still sick - and about an hour before he was due to arrive home was when my 'dying of hunger' feelings started to subside. Could be coincidence, I suppose. But it's suspicious I think.
....

I don't think it's coincidence at all. I did so much better emotionally in Hong Kong than I do here at home. It was almost like the symptoms of all my mood disorders, except for a few flare-ups, subsided. My husband was by my side almost all the time. I get lonely, we all do. Your comfort is food/hunger and my comfort is morbid thoughts, compulsions and obsessions. Feeding the beast.

[nickieluv]

Yep, food is definitely love in my world, and I'm having to work hard to overcome that and find other ways of expressing my love for others and loving myself.

When my father came home from work (a grocery store manager) every night he would bring a treat of some kind for us to share. It was our special time together, just the two of us - watching TV and eating. So no wonder I did that constantly when alone.

When I want to do something nice for my husband and get him a little present, 9 times out of 10 it was something foody - his favorite candy, usually, or making him dinner. When I pampered him the other day, trying to think of something nice to do for him every hour, it was hard to avoid food. I did make him an Atkins-compliant breakfast in bed, but that was it for food.

With my daughter, I try very hard not to offer her food when she's upset. I don't want her to associate food with making her feel better, the way I have. And I also don't want eating to be the only time we're together and she gets my attention. But it's really a knee-jerk reaction when she's crying about something to say 'do you want some milk' or 'do you want a cookie?' I don't say it, but it ALWAYS runs through my mind. Of course then I worry that by hugging and cuddling her when she's upset, I'm teaching her to reach for people when she's lonely - which makes sense - but I worry then about her future with boys. That's my job, too, though, to teach her our values about sex and love and make sure she has good self-esteem and self-worth. I'd do it again in a heartbeat, but man, being a parent is not easy.

Well, I guess it's time to figure out plan B for the day since the playdate is apparently off. Not sure what to do but we're all showered and dressed and have our hair done so it's a shame to waste it. Maybe the mall or something.