The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[Pashta]

WOOT!! Glad the hunger means weight loss for you too, it seems to be that way for most people (if it's real hunger, not just wanting to eat for other reasons of course.)

[katieb920]

Way to go Nickie 3.5#s gone for ever.

Love the ticker
Katie

[SuzyQ66]

Congrats Nickie on the weight loss and on being compliant so long. I like you would not want to have to start back over again - those three days scare me and I would be afraid that if I left compliance for even a day - would I be able to get back on track.

[nickieluv]

I let emotions get the better of me and I cheated today. Not even anything yummy. And I feel overly full and a little sick and very disappointed with myself.

My daughter was sick last night - she threw up twice in our bed (I had brought her in with us because her sleep was so restless) and we all got about five hours of sleep. Then today she was extremely whiny and clingy and cried - I mean screamed - at the drop of a hat for no apparent reason. I know it was only because she isn't feeling well but that didn't make it any less frustrating. So by 5:15 today I had only eaten twice, and I felt out of control, and I had some of her Goldfish crackers that were in a little bowl sitting next to me. Then I had some pretty icky nachos but I kept eating them. Then some more Goldfish. And to be perfectly honest, I'm not done. I'm going to have graham crackers probably. Maybe I won't, but the thought is there.

People at work have started to notice my weight loss now. And my husband is making more comments. And I am feeling some pressure. And then there's the part of me that says 'wow, MF works so well, you can go ahead and take a day off and just get rolling again right away.'

So there goes my Lent challenge. I believe that somehow today I crossed over a line and wound up putting too much pressure on myself somehow. Or maybe it really is just as simple as letting myself go because of the baby today - taking the 'easy' way out.

I'm still in some conflict about how I feel about this. It's strange that I do not feel fatalistic. I don't know if that's entirely a good thing. I still think I am going to reach my goal weight. I am disappointed in myself but I haven't decided how to feel about this in general yet. I am going right back and being compliant tomorrow. I am nervous that this is somehow translating into permission to go off-plan every once in a while.

But if it is? Does that make me a bad person? I don't think so. The thing is I need to be doing these things on purpose. If I DECIDE to go off plan, so be it. But to try to convince myself that it wasn't my fault is wrong. I have been thinking about this for a long time, and I saw a big loss today and maybe there was some fear, maybe I wanted to celebrate, maybe there are still mental parts of me that want to stay fat. Or maybe I just needed a break and will need a break every so often - or maybe I won't.

Well, I'm going to be compliant tomorrow and keep trucking towards my goal of staying compliant until Christmas. I know I will be successful and I am not going to abandon MF. This happened and I guess I have to be honest with myself and everyone and say that I didn't try very hard to stop it. It was still a binge but - I thought about pizza and McDonald's and Chinese food and there was no way I was going to eat that stuff - thinking about the grease and the way I would feel put me right off that idea. I knew I was going off-plan but I didn't tell my husband because I didn't want to sabotage his diet - and I knew he would want pizza and I didn't. I am still working towards a goal and this is part of my journey, and the fact that I did not want to eat 'the usual suspects' is in a way encouraging to me as I look ahead to maintenance. I can envision a life that includes healthier choices. It's sort of taken away a bit of my fear that I would go back to eating the same way again.

Yes, I understand the binge is still a problem. And I brought it on myself by not spacing my supplements, whether I think it was because of my daughter being ill or not, I'm sure I could have tried different things to get my food eaten. So my problem is still bingeing but at least my choices are changing in some ways.

OK, I've talked about this enough. I will see everybody tomorrow and continue on this great path I've started.

[JonnaD]

Nickie, all I can say is, "You are a grown woman and only you can make your choices." If you decide it's okay to go off once in a while, you have a few things you need to remember:

You will slow your rate of loss

You won't be able to blame MF for not working for you

And if you are going to do it, try to plan ahead so you can still eat healthy.

Nuff said, I know you know all of the above, just thought it worth repeating. Hope your little girl feels better soon.

[nickieluv]

I know, Jonna, but you're right, sometimes it does bear repeating.

Plan ahead to eat healthy, though - usually when I want to go off, it's for something extremely UNhealthy. I know I COULD go off just by having extra veggies or some yogurt or something - but part of the issue is the junk. It's like I still need to remind myself WHY I don't like to eat this way anymore.

I feel OK about this, though. I mean, was it according to MF standards? No, no way. But it was OK to do it. Because of what you said. I am a grown woman and I make my own choices. Part of not giving that inner child we talk about so much power is not getting into an argument with her. And trying to punish myself and saying I'm bad for what I did will not help anything - that is negative, and will make me feel worthless and like I can never succeed. I made a choice, I will accept the consequences, and I believe that each time this has happened (cheating) it has taught me something and made it easier to stick to the plan. I went 12 days longer this time before giving in. So even if next time I only get to 40 days of compliance before I give in, it's still progress. And I don't really believe that it's only a matter of time till I cheat. I think I just still need to clarify for myself what I want.

I'm still proud of what I've accomplished and what happened today does not make me evil and unredeemable. It makes me human. I am not giving myself permission to cheat. I am giving myself permission to make mistakes and move on. And all of this is said with the understanding that I am trying always to fix those mistakes and not make the same ones again. This probably does sound like I am being very nonchalant and permissive. But I feel it's a big step for me to not base my entire self worth on whether I cheated on a diet or not.

So - tomorrow I will begin again and suffer the consequences physically. But I will not allow myself to feel guilty and compound my suffering with emotional pressures that aren't necessary.

[JonnaD]

I think everyone will agree beating ourselves up is one of the reasons we needed MF in the first place. You are right to look not only at your "failures" but also your successes. Maybe you can balance the junk with healthy. Of course that might defeat the whole purpose? Have a good week.

[Karli]

I am nervous that this is somehow translating into permission to go off-plan every once in a while.

But if it is? Does that make me a bad person? I don't think so.

Hi, Nickie. I don't think so either. But, I will say that for anybody who is sincere about reaching their goal and maintaining it, as I know that you are, going off plan does indeed become a problem for that person -- even if they are good at getting right back on. And, while the consequences as you know them can be listed and they are true, those are not the real price that we pay. You may wonder where on Earth I get off saying this to you, but I get off saying it because I know what it's like.

And, this time around, for me, something was different. And, when I read your post and your thoughts about all of this for you, I have a different perspective on it than I have before. I will add that I think you are on the right track, but, there is more around the corner. And, you will get there. The biggest price that we pay for this is not just in extending our physical journey in some way -- and it's something that you will need to come to terms with individually. We all do. And, that's exactly what you are doing.

The thing is, we aren't actually getting away with anything. Not because it will show up on the scale, and sure, that's there, too. And, not because somebody might slap our hand and try to say "bad girl" -- it's something deeper and more important than that -- and, I guess it would have to be, wouldn't it ? It's tricky sometimes to 'get' the gravity and meaningfulness of our actions, while not letting condemnation and destructive feelings fold our foundations down on themselves (and, this is quite a necessary balance). But, it matters. And, you will continue to discover all the ways in which it does for you, and that will speak louder than anything or anybody else ever could.

You indeed should be very proud of your accomplishments; very proud. Cherish them like you do your child.

[nickieluv]

Well, I did it again, with the usual suspects this time.

Ordered in way more than I could ever eat (although I USED to be able to eat that much - pretty disgusting). Ate more than I wanted. Kept eating even after I wanted to be done. Tons of leftovers in the trash where they belong.

I'm sure everybody out there read my posts yesterday and could clearly see the path to cheating written out in bold print. But I was trying to tell myself that I could have 'one bad day' and not have it be a big deal.

Here's the thing - yesterday I didn't feel like eating at all. But not eating would have been cheating, so I thought if I was cheating anyway I should make it good (as in bad). Today again - my supplement timing was way off because of the baby (still stick - I came home early to be with her) and so since I was technically not following the program, I took that and ran with it.

Would it have been better to not eat yesterday? Just drink water and wait till the next day when I would have been hungry again? Should I have forced myself to eat my supplements? (I'm saying here that I realize the choice I made was the wrong one, but would a better one have been to not eat? Granted that the BEST choice would have been to force down all my supplements?)

I freaked myself out today thinking all morning 'what if I want to cheat again, what if I can't stay compliant today?' So I was noncompliant with a vengeance. Even though I thought I remembered, obviously I really forgot how hard it was last time I cheated to force myself back on plan the next day. It's only easy to be compliant WHILE you're being compliant. Once you go off it's a huge mental battle - for me anyway.

I am definitely going to be compliant tomorrow. I have come too far to give up and be lazy now. And I have to get used to eating the right way even under duress. I am always amazed at Jo's story and how she stayed compliant through such emotional times. My daughter just has a little fever and vomits and I lose it. And summer is going to kill me if I can't get a handle on this - 10 weeks without the structure of my school schedule to make staying on plan easier. I can picture long days at home with the baby and wanting to nibble on everything in sight.

The better I look and feel, the easier it is to make myself believe that I can take a break from MF. That has to stop, too, or I will never make it to goal.

I don't think I was trying to 'get away with' anything. But I think I was setting myself up for today. And when I came home from work and my schedule was off, it was too convenient to chuck MF. I have remained compliant through family events, late nights, parties - I know I can do it. I know I want a new body and a new enjoyment of life.

I am still afraid of it, too. I had a long talk with my husband last night and I am afraid that there will be pressure from all fronts when I am thin. That my fat is my excuse - people are impressed with my abilities because they are amazed a fat person can be smart and talented. But a thin person is held to higher standards, right? That's my fear, anyway. I suppose I could erase that fear by saying that when I'm thin I'll go blonde and then people can think I'm a gorgeous dumb blonde and I'll still have my safety net. I'm kidding - mostly.

I am afraid of losing myself. I know many people have told me that doesn't happen. But I am very wrapped up in my body and my self-image. I have ALWAYS either been fat or believed I was fat. Now I am looking at myself as a work in progress, as soon-to-be-thin, and I am not identifying myself as being fat any longer. I don't FEEL fat. I am already feeling strange when I look in the mirror, and when I take a shower and don't have to reach as far around myself. And when my husband hugs me, he is physically closer to me now that I am smaller - and that brings up fears I have of letting someone in to see the real me.

And the comments continue to come. Today at work a colleague looked at me and said 'oh my God.' Just that, out of nowhere. And she stared and said 'you are really losing a lot of weight.' Of course this is wonderful and in many entries I've expressed frustration that all this weight gone was not making a noticeable difference. But now that I'm getting what I asked for, I don't know how to handle it. I say 'thank you' to this woman, of course. But inside, it's scary.

I want this, though. I REFUSE to let myself get pregnant right now, and that is what I want more than anything in the world. I absolutely must lose this weight for good. My goal is Christmas - and doing this 'foodicating' (thanks, Nancy!) of myself is not going to get me what I want in any way.

I know I will learn something from this episode, so it will not be all bad. I am still proud of how far I have come. But maybe I needed to learn that I am not as in control of food as I think I am. I am like the addict who thinks she can have 'just one' and go right back on the wagon. Food pushes my buttons and I have to be aware always. These two days have shown me that when I reach goal, I can easily gain everything back if I keep the same attitudes. Someday when I say I cheated and what I did was have an apple - maybe then I will know I am making better choices.

Of course, now an apple sounds really good. I am pretty beat but I want to do some budgeting stuff before bed. Hubby and I did some calculating today and we can be credit card debt free in 20 months. And I am going to be teaching for at least another 15 months. So I would like to get rid of as much as we can by June 2008. I just learned in our conference day that you must begin with the end in mind (of course I should know that already but refreshers are always good) so I am going to start with where I want us to be, and then figure out how to get there - instead of figuring out where we will be if things stay the same.

I am truly going to be compliant tomorrow. I want to lose this weight more than anything else - because this step will get me light years closer to my ultimate goals.

[Lizabette]

I am truly going to be compliant tomorrow. I want to lose this weight more than anything else - because this step will get me light years closer to my ultimate goals.
_________________

Good for you, NICKI! My thoughts will be with you...

[Karli]

I don't think I was trying to 'get away with' anything.

Hi, Nickie. I hope I didn't sound accusatory. That is not what I meant. I just mean that from one perspective, it's quite easy to think "I will do this now, I know the consequences, I know I will get back on and, in the end, everything will be fine." And, while I think that's actually true, that's not all there is to it. That's all I am saying. I am not trying to tell you what to do or how to live your life, nor am I suggesting what your decisions should be -- because I honestly don't know what's best for you in terms of you learning what you need to learn -- that's why it's your journey.

Anyway, as always, I am in your corner .

[Serendipity]

I just learned in our conference day that you must begin with the end in mind (of course I should know that already but refreshers are always good) so I am going to start with where I want us to be, and then figure out how to get there - instead of figuring out where we will be if things stay the same.

Nickie, I know you're talking about finances here, but you could apply that philosophy to almost any goal you set for yourself, including MF!

[bikipatra]

Nickie, I really hope you are compliant today. I really care about you and you get a little weird sometimes because you seem to be having all these thoughts at once and writing them down, but weird is good. And honest for you. I know anyone can be compliant for one day. We all do. So let me borrow a trite 12 step slogan and use it. ONE DAY AT A TIME. You can't take back what you did and you can't take back all your scattered thoughts and obsessions. But you can act your way into right thinking. I don't know how many times it is going to take for you to have 45 days of compliance and then have 46. Maybe you will never have to cheat again. But we don't know that. You don't know that. Today you can just try as hard as you can, three hours at a time. Don't quit before the miracle happens, Nickie! The little Elton John in my head is singing for you '"I'm still standing, yeah, yeah, yeah!!! I'm still standing!"

[nickieluv]

Karli, I didn't think you were being accusatory. I never hear your words as anything but caring and concerned. I thought you were just trying to help me see my own feelings more clearly. And I guess in a way I did hope to get away with something - eating off plan one day. I didn't want any consequences in terms of it being hard to get back on, although I expected weight gain. But it didn't work out that way - it was hard yesterday, and probably today, too. I did gain over 3# back, too. Set myself back a week again, but I think if I learned from this it will have been worth it. I'd rather have cheated and learned something, than stayed compliant all the way to goal and gained all my weight back the moment I got there.

Jo - I'm not sure how to plan backwards with MF - what I love about it is that there is so little planning involved! But I do have the end in mind. And the best I can do is remain compliant. Which is obviously a work in progress.

There was a post yesterday or the day before about protein/carb ratios - and I actually cringed. The thought of counting anything other than 6 meals a day is extremely distasteful to me. Just a random thought - that I'm glad I don't have to count calories or carbs - I just eat. It's almost sinfully easy.

Biki, yes I do get weird. And maybe I need to try to recognize that when I am feeling scattered I am at risk of unhealthy behaviors. It's been building - spending money I shouldn't was the first thing - less than $200 total, but it was excess and should have been a warning sign. Then I was not sleeping well. And I felt that invulnerable feeling again - that I was solid on the program and would never go off. Last time I cheated I thought it would be the last time - really, despite my Cadbury egg drama. I hope this will be the last time. But I also hope I am going to learn how to recognize that this is coming, and learn a way to derail it.

It's somewhat disheartening to think that when I am feeling confident and strong in the program, that it really means I am on the verge of collapse.

I'm tweaking my BeSlim order today. Part of this slip may have been that I was looking at two weeks of nothing but shakes again and thinking 'ick.' So I have taken a lot of the variety out of my order (I've always been a person who eats like the same 5 things all the time anyway), and also added some extra boxes so that I don't run out. It's going to be a very close call AGAIN this month before my next order comes.

Also - I am going to try to go snackless and barless for the rest of this week. Not that I'm forbidding myself to have them - I'm just going to TRY to not have them. Although I just realized - I CAN'T go barless or I will be way out of food, since you can only have one bar a day. OK, so snackless then, at least. I can do that much.

I AM still standing - and still shaking - and I feel more grounded today. I think I will be back on the wagon without incident - not in the overconfident way that spells trouble, but in a peaceful way.

[MerryMary]

Biki, yes I do get weird. And maybe I need to try to recognize that when I am feeling scattered I am at risk of unhealthy behaviors. It's been building - spending money I shouldn't was the first thing - less than $200 total, but it was excess and should have been a warning sign. Then I was not sleeping well. And I felt that invulnerable feeling again - that I was solid on the program and would never go off. Last time I cheated I thought it would be the last time - really, despite my Cadbury egg drama. I hope this will be the last time. But I also hope I am going to learn how to recognize that this is coming, and learn a way to derail it.

It's somewhat disheartening to think that when I am feeling confident and strong in the program, that it really means I am on the verge of collapse.

Hi Nickie!
I'm glad you are able to recognize some of the the unhealthy behaviors you are prone to: feeling scattered, excess spending, not sleeping well, etc. And while you are disheartened that each time you feel confident in the program you are "on the verge of collapse," it is important that you have been able to recognize that. The first step to a healthy life is to recognize our unhealthy behaviors; you have done that.

Now you need to go a step further. It is a tough for me to ask this, but ... WHY are you so prone to self-sabotage? Tucked deep inside you is the answer and I hope you have the courage to explore it. I believe that while MF offers us a sure way to lose weight, unless you learn the answer to that question it will be a struggle for you to stay on the program or maintain your weight loss.

I really care about you Nickie, but all my care and concern won't fix anything. It is up to you.

Mary