The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

Serendipity · by **Serendipity** » March 16th, 2007, 8:17 am

Nickie,

Are you rehearsals and programs mandatory? Have you considered not doing some of the optional stuff until your baby goes to school? Just a thought, but only a few hours a day would never have been enough for me either....no amount of pay would have convinced me of that.

nickieluv · by **nickieluv** » March 16th, 2007, 8:39 am

Yes, Jo, I have cut back on everything I can. I had to back out of doing a weekly kid's program at church that would have kept me out the house an extra night a week. The shows I do for the little kids are mandatory, but that's only 3 nights out of the whole year.

This little 2-week jaunt of a show I'm doing for the money - and even though the hours are horrendous, it will end soon. I would LOVE to be able to back out of the summer musical - but I promised to do it almost 2 years ago, and my backup/co-director has already bailed, and there's just no one else. I'm doing it as a volunteer which also sucks, there's not even the money to help - but it's for a friend, and if I back out I don't know what she'd have to do. I can say that in the future if I'm asked to do something like this, the answer will be 'no' in a heartbeat.

June is going to be pretty rough. But it will end, and on June 25th I will be home all day every day for the summer - even church choir rehearsals stop in the summer. So once I'm with her all day, it won't be as heartbreaking to leave her for a few hours at night - and, my husband is trying to work out a temporary transfer with his boss so that he'll be working days for the month of July and can be home with her at night while I'm gone.

We are very lucky to have my mother and sister as her primary babysitters, though - and when it's not them, it's my husband's mother. So I don't have to worry about her - she loves being out of the house and spending time with them - it's just me who is suffering. Which in a way, makes it OK. As long as she is happy. Ideally we'd all be happy, but she comes first.

But you know, in typing this - the director for the summer show IS my friend. So I really should be able to talk to her about all this and work out a schedule that I can live with. I don't need to be so defeatist about this already. I'll ask her for a time to meet and work out the schedule before we even do auditions. Maybe I have more options than I realized. I'm sure she doesn't want me to be miserable and exhausted for the whole run of the show. OK, I feel a bit better. It will all work out one way or another. Maybe she even knows of another backup who can take some of the load off my shoulders.

OK - thanks, Jo, for spurring this train of thought!

ChynnaDoll · by **ChynnaDoll** » March 16th, 2007, 12:13 pm

Hi Nickiluv..are you are music teacher?...if so, i know about those little concerts too, because i was also a music teacher for grades K-6 before i got my Master's Degree in Special Education and then went on to teach at the University. I remember how "waring" yet "joyous" preparing for them could be, and i understand also, you not wanting to be away from your little girl alot...thank God you have relative on hand that you can "safely" leave her with,and i know they lov'it too:+) I do hope you and your friend/director will talk and work out some work/friendly schedule for you.
Oh how i'd look forward to having the summers off too:+) Are you the Music Minister at your church? I play the piano for my church and choir.

Love,
Chynna

SuzyQ66 · by **SuzyQ66** » March 16th, 2007, 4:03 pm

Hi Nickie - did you go and get your haircut? Did you change it or keep it the same? I went today also and just had them give me my bangs back. I told her I was getting tired of the same haircut - even though it has grown out a lot - so to others it looks different. When she was done I was impressed and now I am happy about my hair again - until 6 weeks from now..LOL!! These little things we pamper ourselves with sure do help.

nickieluv · by **nickieluv** » March 17th, 2007, 11:29 am

I sent off new pictures last night. Hopefully it went through OK. They haven't shown up here yet (in my studio post) but I'm sure they will eventually.

I weighed in this morning at exactly 30# gone. If it holds on till tomorrow, then I will be averaging ten pounds about every three weeks. It's hard to believe it's been going so quickly.

Still compliant, still doing well - and now my baby is up from her nap so I have to go already! :mrgreen:

bikipatra · by **bikipatra** » March 17th, 2007, 1:24 pm

I hope it sticks and you make the 30# club tomorrow!

JonnaD · by **JonnaD** » March 17th, 2007, 7:19 pm

We'll be watching for the change in your club, hope it sticks and drops more.

Jonna

Karli · by **Karli** » March 18th, 2007, 8:54 am

Nickie ! Congrats on the 30# club !! And, I love your new avatar, you look beautiful

. Love your new hair !

JonnaD · by **JonnaD** » March 18th, 2007, 2:38 pm

So busy reading the posts, I didn't notice the avatar :oops:

Niki, you look like a different person, wow. What a great smile.

Jonna

nickieluv · by **nickieluv** » March 18th, 2007, 4:29 pm

ChynnaDoll wrote: Are you the Music Minister at your church? I play the piano for my church and choir.

Sorry to take so long, Chynna, this is the first time I can take the length of time necessary to really draft a good response and journal entry.

I am the music minister at church. It's a very small church, and an old one, so my bell choir has 5 people, my vocal choir 6, and the median age is about 65. But we try! It's only my second year in this job, and it's been a trying one after my first year was so great - but we are in the process of growing and changing and trying to become more comtemporary - so see the median age again - it's an uphill battle.

I am experiencing inordinate pride at seeing the 30# club thingy under my name. Even though I have so far to go, I have never come this far before. And I am experiencing some familiar feelings of 'entitlement' and wanting to go off-plan for 'just one meal' - but I know it wouldn't be just one. So I am resisting. This is just working so well, I don't want to screw it up. I hope I can stay as focused when things aren't going so well. I'm trying to be realistic about that, but at the same time I'm hoping that by staying compliant I can make it a really long time before any plateaus. And it's wishful thinking, but I'm hoping to avoid them altogether. I am hopeful, though, that by the time one comes along, I will be so entrenched in the program that I can come through it unscathed.

Today also makes 27 days compliant - a new personal record. 3 more weeks until Easter, which was my goal (and I just learned that Lent, although 40 days, does not count Sundays, so it's really 47 calendar days - I was confused about that one when I realized I was going to hit 40 days on Palm Sunday instead of Easter).

I am very, very hungry today. I don't know what emotion that really is yet. I had a nap, so I don't think it's fatigue. I don't think I'm angry or sad or lonely. I suppose I could really be hungry, since it's time to eat right now. It's hard to know what 'hungry' feels like, since I never let myself not eat for long enough to feel it before MF - and my body was conditioned to go about 18 hours without food anyway, without complaining. That doesn't make much sense, does it? What I mean is, I would not eat all day until about 4pm, and I kept busy so I ignored the hunger all day long - and then once I started eating I didn't stop until I went to sleep, so I didn't have a chance to feel hungry.

Well, I am doing well, and I am anticipating posting onederland pictures next - in July sometime. That will be 65# gone. I continue to be amazed that I can imagine losing that much weight, and even put a timeline on it. Sometimes, though, I will admit, it makes me sad to think that I let myself get so big before being able to do something about it. I realize that I had to be emotionally and mentally ready to make such a big change in my life, and the good thing is that I'm doing something NOW. If only I had known about MF, and been ready, when I only had 30 pounds to lose in the first place.

But there is no use being negative. I'm here now and I am going to be a success story!

SuzyQ66 · by **SuzyQ66** » March 19th, 2007, 5:24 pm

Congratulations Nickie on the 30# club

That is too wonderful. Your new picture is great too!! Keep up the good work - we will keep cheering you to onederland!!!

nickieluv · by **nickieluv** » March 19th, 2007, 7:43 pm

Long day. I know, many have it worse. I understand.

I will not see my daughter again until Wednesday afternoon. Pretty much sucks. I do OK until I have time to sit still and really realize that she's not home. I miss her so much!!!

Summer is coming! I must remember this. And I am working on a budget to get me HOME as soon as possible. One more year....

I continue to be pretty tired, but then I can't sleep. I go to bed and lie awake for an hour or more. And I wake up before the alarm and can't doze off again. So now I've been staying up really late, hoping that I will go right to sleep - but I don't, I still lie awake for an hour - and I get worse by the day.

I actually had a good day today at work. Of course with the new hair my laps at lunch were constantly interrupted by comments - which were all complimentary and welcome. It was just funny because I made myself start walking, and then I was really enjoying it and moving faster than usual - but I kept getting sidelined by the hair comments and I could only do 2 laps because I ran out of time. But everyone liked it. I think I like it, too. I'm just still getting used to it. But at least it's not lying flat on my head anymore - it's got some body and movement. And I can still pull it back if I really wanted to.

In case Karli is popping in here - I did not talk to my husband last night. He was way too far out of it. It seems like we haven't had much time together lately - and when we do, I don't know how to interact with him. I want to be close and snuggle and talk, but then I feel guilty because I have no intention of it leading to anything more physical than that and it's been a long time (TMI, sorry). So I just keep my distance rather than risk leading him on and causing an argument. I guess so many things are changing, and life is so busy right now, that I'm not sure which way is up. I'm pretty happy with most things, but our relationship is stalled.

I think I'm starting to be afraid of what he's going to expect of the thin version of me. The last time I was thin we were just dating, not married or even serious about each other, and it was all fun and passionate and new. I guess part of me thinks that there will be some pressure for me to act the way I did back then, even though our lives are totally different now. And with him losing weight, I'm afraid the balance we've had is going to be even more drastically changed.

I had an interesting thought last night, about celebrities and divorce and stuff. And I realized that all those rich, thin, gorgeous people are just PEOPLE. They can't learn to live with each other any more than normal folks can. Julia Roberts probably pouts from time to time, and picks fights with her husband for no good reason, and spends money he doesn't think she should. Just because you look a certain way does not mean you have some terrific life, some secret to perfection.

Just because I am going to be a thin person, that does not mean I have to be a perfect person. I will still be sad sometimes. I will still want to eat a whole pizza by myself sometimes to fill up my feelings. I will still lose patience with my students and my daughter sometimes. I will still have days when I look in the mirror and feel fat. I will still be afraid of being left. I will have disappointments, I will have arguments, I will not always get what I want. I will be thin, and still human.

That can be pretty depressing. It's realistic, but it's not what I've wanted to believe. I've had this little fantasy. I've even said that my life now is perfect, and losing weight will only enhance my enjoyment of it. I still believe that, actually - but I am obviously going through some kind of depression right now and it's making me dwell on things. So probably the worst thing I could do is sit here forever and mull it all over. So I'm going to go try to sleep. And hopefully tomorrow I won't feel so low.

JonnaD · by **JonnaD** » March 19th, 2007, 9:21 pm

Hope you are able to rest tonight. It is important to remember being thin, just like having loads of money doesn't guarantee happiness. But it does make it a little easier for us to make our own happiness when we are feeling healthier and more energetic.

Apparently this restless night thing is pretty common and passes. I hope so, I woke at 3:30 this morning, too. And I am not a morning person. :roll:

bikipatra · by **bikipatra** » March 19th, 2007, 10:15 pm

Try to stay in the present Nickie. What you can do now to have a better day, better relationship, better sleep. Future-tripping is a GUARANTEED cause of insomnia!

nickieluv · by **nickieluv** » March 20th, 2007, 6:16 am

Good advice, Biki, thanks. I am always thinking about the future and making plans and budgets and all that jazz. And when I can't quiet my brain down about it, that's when I suffer. And I hope it does pass, Jonna. I need to be more relaxed and enjoy what I have now.

I had a bad dream last night. I was all thin and sexy and everyone wanted me - but not my husband. Men from my past kept hitting on me and trying to get me into bed and I kept running from them - but I never thought to tell my husband what was happening because I knew he wouldn't care. In a way, it's a good dream, too. I was running away from the other men. That represents a surge in confidence in myself that I can be thin AND a faithful wife. Don't laugh - it's been a fear of mine.

NSVs today - my shoes fit better. I have this pair of black dress shoes and I always had to squeeze my feet into them - and my feet would puff out on top. Who knew you could have fat feet? I just thought it was the cut of the shoe. But this morning they just slipped on.

And my new pants. I continue to feel caressed by my clothes. Is that wierd? I just feel safe and loved when I wear clothes that fit and hug my body more. Maybe it's an extension of me loving myself.

But I'm worried that I'm becoming vain. With the new haircut now and the new clothes, I stare at myself a lot in the morning. And I have more confidence to my attitude and my walk. And I fuss more about jewelry and accessories. Is this a bad thing? I feel like it's wrong somehow.

Gotta go teach!

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