The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[bikipatra]

Welcome and I am glad you have already started goal setting. That's what they keep telling me we have to do....

[nickieluv]

Karli, yes I do say "I'm sorry" too often. It's something I'm trying to work on. I read an article quite a while ago about this very subject, that women tend to apologize all the time without realizing how it undermines their value. For many it's just an off-hand comment but what it does is convey to others that you don't think you are valuable. I certainly have to agree - I don't think I'm valuable. I'm filled with self-doubt. But I don't think many people would say that about me if you asked them - I've gotten pretty good at an air of confidence when I need it. But inside, and at home - a mess. Totally second nature to just apologize all the time for nothing at all.

Funny about the piano teacher comment, too. I don't know if I ever mentioned this but the one time I was in counseling, the person looked just like my college piano professor, and I could never open up to her. Mrs. East was a person I respected too much to be able to show my weakness and problems to her. I had to stop seeing that counselor after a couple of months, even though I thought she was great, because I just knew I couldn't make progress and stop holding back with her. Just an interesting aside, I guess.

Well, I'm at work and really shouldn't be doing this on "company time" - but it's the last day of school before Christmas vacation and I just don't see how I'm expected to focus. :-) But I should go make an attempt anyway.

[nickieluv]

Thank you yet again. I haven't even started and, as was my experience last time, already this forum has given me a ton of answers and support. I am so glad this place exists in cyberspace!

Water used to be a real hard thing for me - I hated it, absolutely hated it. Couldn't stand it. Would rather die of thirst than drink it. But that's one hurdle finally gone. I transitioned at first (can't even remember if I was on a diet or not when I did this) to carbonated flavored water, then just flavored water, and finally just water. I really don't remember why I did that, but I'm glad I did because at least that's one hurdle I won't have to jump with this plan.

I like the idea of a soda a day as a treat, but I don't think I'll keep it in the house anyway because I doubt I could have just one at this point. I can drink 6 or more in a day right now. I did finally get myself from regular to diet a few years ago (I must have been on some sort of health kick or something with my drinks) but I can still really guzzle it down. So I think I should stay away for now. I am relieved that Crystal Light is pretty much OK - I think I may get some of the packets you mix right in your bottled water and make that my "treat." I need some sort of backup plan for if I suddenly want to bail on this, so that's what those packets will be for me. A treat that's not really a bad treat, you know?

I will admit that I'm kind of packing in all the forbidden foods right now. All my favorites - I won't mention them in case I spark a tempation for someone. And yet at the same time I keep wishing I had my shakes so I could get started already! I know I could be making better choices in the meantime, but somehow my mind won't go there yet. One last hurrah and all that, even though I know it's silly and will probably only put on a few more pounds I need to remove. But there you have it, silly or not - and at least I know what I'm doing with each bite. I'm thinking about it, even though I'm doing it anyway.

I really, really hope my delivery gets here soon. I have this whole week off of work and the parties are all done after tomorrow, so I wanted to have a few days to be on the program without any hassles, so I can relax if it's leaving me tired and have my husband (who also has the week off) here for support and to keep me honest in the first days. As it gets closer to starting I'm getting more nervous. I was very optimistic that it would be smooth sailing, I'd love every minute of it and never be tempted by food again - ha ha. Now with every fattening bite of something I wonder if I'll miss it, and if I can resist in the future.

I've made a mini-goal of getting through the month of January without going off plan for any reason or special event, and maybe not even to weigh myself in that month. I have scale issues, too, where if I do have a little cheat and then weigh myself the next day and still lost, or didn't gain, then I think that little cheat wasn't really a cheat after all and I do it again and again until suddenly I've gained 5 pounds seemingly overnight. From what I've been reading, once you're on program for a while your body tells you if you've gone off by making you feel sick and miserable - so it seems like I can rely on that feeling rather than the scale to know if I'm being honest. But then, maybe I won't be able to resist the scale, either.

So, the day after my order comes (here I go again, have to start in the morning, not the middle of the day, you know) I'll weigh, take my measurements, and dive in. Full fast for no more than three days unless it's killing me, then I'll add the L&G. And I've also read that due to circumstances, some people have occasional full fast days where they just have an extra supplement, so I'll have to remember that, too. Last time if I missed a supplement or my L&G, I figured I blew it and went completely off plan for the rest of the day. I must must MUST have alternatives already in place for myself. I am all about rules and routines and I drive myself (and others) crazy with them - but I know mentally I have to be prepared for every slip-up so if/when it happens, I have a game plan in place without wrecking all my progress.

Well, I'm going to go re-post this in my journal since that's what it turned into - a bit of a ramble/rant - Merry Christmas everyone!

[Karli]

Hi, Nickie . Well, you know, starting on a beginning of the day vs the middle seems to make good sense to me. Also, planning your start date/time and being thoughtful about it in general is actually recommended within the "success in a shaker jar" book. So, you are doing everything just right !!

Cheers,
Karli

[nickieluv]

Karli, I did indeed read your entire journal over the last couple of days, and I have to say some of the mystery of your insights has been solved - I could have written almost everything you wrote. I read your struggles with the very same things I had trouble with the first time around here and it really gave me hope. Maybe it's odd to say that, but I mean, if you could deal with it and have such success, and if so many others can too, surely I can do it!

I'm still awaiting my delivery. I'm going to head off next and see if there's any tracking information yet. I'm actually getting kind of sick of stuffing myself. I'm eating more than I should, of course, trying to clean out things because heaven forbid we throw anything away. It must all go to a good home, as it were. The family gatherings so far have been fine, actually - if I were trying to get a L&G I'd be out of luck, but I mean I haven't gorged myself out in public. I always saved that for at home, anyway.

Well, I'm basically just marking time, taking up space, keeping busy, and I have nothing much to say at the moment. I'm a little worried that the resolve I had a week ago will all be gone by the time my packets get here. Or maybe I'll be so disgusted with myself in another day or two I'll be dying to cut back and do something healthy. I'm pretty much there right now. I had leftover pizza for lunch and it's just sitting down there, and I feel tight and full and ucky. And we have ONE MORE party to go to this afternoon. I hate it to sound like I have no Christmas spirit, but I'm really sick of not being home. :-)

Merry merry Christmas again (today was our Christmas with the kids since we've been so busy, so it's Merry Christmas the first time for us!).

[nickieluv]

I was just randomly checking out my profile and under "interests" I put - music, reading, sleeping, and eating. I was saddened by that. Obviously I thought I was being funny at the time but to put down eating as an interest? I mean, not that food is so bad - cooking is a good interest I think - but just eating? Pathetic.

I don't even really think I'm technically INTERESTED in eating. I just do it. And it's not even eating - it's stuffing, it's mindless, it's just to feel the taste and texture in my mouth to keep me from feeling or thinking anything else. Still pathetic.

As much as it sounds like I'm ripping on myself here, I say all this with some hope. I've read a few journals and several threads in the last week and I feel that I can change this view of myself. I can change my view of food. It will take time and many battles, and I hope I can marshall the strength to make it through them all, and I hope this forum will still exist as I shuffle along this road to help me.

I took before pictures today. Still no food, still no idea when it will be here. But tomorrow I'll do weight and measurements. I took my pictures in a doorway, too, so I'll have some sort of impartial guide as to my size. Has anyone else noticed how in a picture with someone else, they look just the way you think they look, but you look enormous? I have a very skewed picture of my size. I read in someone's studio picture post that they see themselves as a permanent 16 and never much bigger - I think for me that number is an 18 but still the same idea. And it doesn't help that I can buy 18W, which as we all know is really a size or two bigger at least than a regular 18, but I can still fool myself and say I'm in an 18.

So, I wonder if I'll recognize myself in an after picture? At what size will my picture look the way I think of myself? I've seen "thin" pictures of me from college and they don't look like me, either. Where will this journey take me?

I wish I could be a stranger a year or two from now, reading my journal from the beginning. I hope at that point that I can inspire someone the way Karli has me - maybe because we have similar interests (other than the eating!!!!!) and I feel I can relate some to her "real life" - not that I know much, but on the surface anyway. So thank you, Karli! And I'd love to know of some other journals that you all would recommend I read and follow - other people who have had a successful journey, maybe someone who is at the same point I am, people in between too?

[dede4wd]

Reading your post from a couple of days ago reminded me of something...she was yelling at me for apologizing incessantly. She also pointed out that I said sorry when I bumped into an ottoman, yes, I apologize to furniture.

I've enjoyed your last few entries. Getting prepared mentally, knowing that those voices telling you to eat this or that are just the 5-year olds in our head and we don't HAVE to listen to them!

Hope your MediGrub gets here soon!

DeDe

[Karli]

I'm a little worried that the resolve I had a week ago will all be gone by the time my packets get here.

Well, I can understand this. However, the curse as well as the blessing of the state-of-being which convinces us to change something, is that it will continue to remind us of why we need the change even if we ignore it or feel undermotivated for awhile. It will come up again and again until we actually pay attention and do something about it. So, don't fear for your motivation, it's somewhat built in .

All we have to do is decide to do something about it, and you have done and are doing that. Of course, it's always a little different each time. Something like playing the same piece for months... years... it's never exactly the same because we are always growing and our concept of the piece is always growing, too.

You know, I just want to thank you so much for your own support towards me, because I am still figuring this all out and very much appreciate it ! I am quite honored that you took the time and energy to read my journal and to really think about it, too. That's really quite meaningful to me, thanks .

You are an inspiration, Nickieluv. You are already.... hee hee.. I hope you can get used to that .


Cheers to you,
Karli

[bikipatra]

I don't even really think I'm technically INTERESTED in eating. I just do it. And it's not even eating - it's stuffing, it's mindless, it's just to feel the taste and texture in my mouth to keep me from feeling or thinking anything else. Still pathetic.

I don't think I would prefer to it as pathetic but as a coping mechanism that you are now willing to change. You were trying to change the way you felt. Many people do that all day long who do not have food issues. When we read a book, listen to music, watch a comedy, call a friend, post on these boards-aren't we distracting the mind, trying to alter our feelings? I think so. It is just in a healthy way which will feel uncomfortable at first.

[nickieluv]

Thank you all for your responses. Biki, I do hope to learn to cope with my feelings in a different way. I guess I'm an emotional eater but I just don't identify with that. Whatever I'm trying to stuff must be really well-hidden. To me my eating seems out of nowhere, but I guess I'm going to start to see the truth of all this.

Karli - oh my gosh, don't go telling me I'M an inspiration. I'll inspire somebody right off a bridge!! But I suppose you never know what someone else really needs, and somewhere out there may be someone who needs my posts the way I've needed yours. I guess I'd better make them decent.

Dede - it's here!!! It came today. So now it's time to put my money where my mouth is - or my mouth where my money is - or something. As long as it's only "medigrub" going near my mouth then I guess I'm set.

Today I am dealing with technical challenges, trying to get a real photo as my avatar. It's the right size and everything but I seem to be getting error messages and it's not showing up. So I'll continue to experiment with that.

I also took "before" pictures yesterday - well, my husband did. I have a front, side, and back shot. Yikes. I don't know if I can post "befores" without "afters" or "durings" to go with them, but I kind of want to. I figure if somewhere in cyberspace there are such damning pictures of me, maybe I'll work harder to have more redeeming ones to put next to them. :-)

I am nervous and excited. I want to get started and I want to fast-forward a month and see where it's going to get me. I'm undecided on the weighing-in issue still - I really don't think I should weigh every day, because it will throw me off. If I show a gain when I was good, I'll be discouraged. If I show a loss when I've been bad, I'll be encouraged to go off plan more. Then again, if I only weigh-in weekly or monthly, the bad days can slide because I'll have several days to get back on track. This is all how I've thought on diets in the past. I really need to remember "one meal at a time." I think I can do that. That way, I only have to resist something for a couple of hours or minutes during that one meal, knowing I'll have another one coming up - and I'll fight the same mental battle with every meal, hopefully winning them all!

I suppose there's not much else to do but get to bed and start fresh in the morning. One meal at a time - one day at a time - in no time it'll be February and (this is the point where in the movie of my life there will be a musical montage of moments and at the end of 30 seconds I look like Jennifer Aniston or somebody).... Ahh, the movies, how I wish....

But there is a long road ahead and it can be as hard or as easy as I make it on myself. From what I've read cheating only makes things harder. You could say I've been on one long cheat since August/September when I quit last time - so I should have had my fill. Only time will tell - and it usually goes so quickly - I have to remember that, too. It seems like just yesterday school was starting, and by the time school is out this year, which I'm sure will feel like a blink, I can experience so much change in my body and my mind! I'm SO up for that!!!!

Off I go....

[Karli]

YAY Nickieluv You can totally do this !! I have to say, when I think about this time last year, I am *so* pleased ! That will happen to you, too. Just you wait and see .

You know, you obviously don't have to decide all at once what you will do with the scale. It might change as time goes on, but, you are perfectly capable of figuring out what is most inspiring for you at which times. Sometimes I decide to put the scale away for a time, others I choose to weigh in every single day. It just depends on what keeps me wanting to stick with it all. I might suggest that at least in these beginning days, you go ahead and check in a bit with yourself because it's bound to go down as you start your MF'ing .

Anyway, I will be thinking of you tomorrow and checking in when I can (in the morning and at night ). Oh, and, as far as the "before" photos go, I also thought I wanted to wait awhile before posting them until I got some "in progress" ones to compare with it. But then, something about the freedom it seemed to promise me lured me into posting them right away. I was happy I did, but do what you feel inspired to do. You know, this whole thing can be *very* inspiring for you... and really, this is just a beautiful time for you. What a joy to share it with you and observe as you make your way.

Best wishes to you, Nickieluv,
Karli

[bikipatra]

First of all, the why's of overeating are really unimportant right now, this second. More will be revealed. You are just starting to start the process of eating healthfully. You have plenty of time for peeling away the layers of the onion-and just remember the more you peel the more it can stink. I do a reading every morning for compulsive overeaters. Kind of a thought for the day from the Hazelden website. It helps me sometimes. I will send you the link in a PM since I don't think we are supposed to post links here.

Secondly, send Unca your avatar photo and he will get you all fixed up.

Lastly, when I started 37 days ago I posted before photos, some at my highest weight ever that were very embarrassing. One has my sizable boobs puffing out and I am stuffing my face with fried foods. But who cares. They are a reminder of how far I have come, and can go and that I never have to be that big again. Check out the Studio board and you will see that many people were brave enough, including our Leopard Woman, to post before photos. It is your choice though and I understand your reticence.

[dede4wd]

Nickieluv,

Send a pic to Unca Tim and he'll put it up as your avatar!

So excited for you to get started again!

DeDe

[nickieluv]

Well, I sent my pics to Unca. I hope he has high-speed internet because I can't figure out how to compress them so they'll send faster, and on my DSL it probably took 90 seconds to send them out.

I just want to clarify that I wasn't afraid to post my before pics because of how bad they were - I just didn't know if it was OK to clog up the studio board without having any progress to report yet. I've pretty much come to terms with how I look in pictures - I look terrible. Even at my lowest weight I just don't get along well with cameras. But the pictures are honest, that's for sure. And I am now eagerly awaiting taking new ones. I figure I'll take some about every month, and once I can see a difference, I'll post another set.

I can't find my sewing tape to take my measurements, so I won't have any to report. Honestly, they were never that motivating for me anyway. I thought they'd be good to have to check out when I'm at a standstill someday, to keep me in mind of how far I've come, but I really think there will be other things to keep me on track - like how I'm feeling, how simple things like going upstairs are going to get easier. So just the one number it shall be. Besides, it was always a pain to keep track of all those numbers anyway.

I did have a nice surprise this morning when I weighed in. I don't know how accurate my scale is (I weighed about 10 times and fluctuated between 258.2 and 314.8 so I really think there's a problem there ) but I finally got the same number twice, and it was the lowest, so I'm not arguing and I actually have less than 120 pounds to lose. This is very good news because it means I've been basically maintaining for about four months. I don't know if this has anything to do with getting my thyroid in check (we are still upping my dosage every couple of months trying to find the magic number) but I'm sure that can't hurt. And I decided to just have my pill at night rather than fret about the soy issues involved with thyroid meds.

My first shake of the day was banana, not so bad. And since I'm sleeping in a bit more, being on vacation, I'm going to eat something every two hours until I go back to work and get on my real schedule. I'm planning to take three RTD's with me every day and eat three meals at home. And the L&G will begin soon - today if I'm not feeling like the shakes are enough, but as I've said a bunch of times already I wanted to do a complete plan for just three days to make a clean break from my old habits. I know it will take more than three days to rewire my brain, if it can even be done (by which I just mean will this always be a struggle?) but it's a start.

Well, I think I've distracted myself long enough - it's time for another shake - so I shall go imbibe and perhaps check in again if I'm feeling naughty.

[nickieluv]

AAACK!!! I'm so hungry!!!!!!

I did have a lean and green - chicken and broccoli - and I've had two glasses of Crystal Light and will probably have more since there's still an hour to go before I can have another meal.

I was fine all morning and through the early afternoon - I think because usually I eat nothing all day. Now is the time when I usually get home from work and eat (or order in) anything in sight. So I've had a lot of food thoughts in the last few hours.

I've thought about what I could shovel in right now if I had it available. Thankfully, none of it is available. And we have two platters of Christmas cookies on the kitchen table but, again thankfully, none of them are my favorites and I'm not having any trouble resisting those. I know that I want to be successful more than I want any single food item right now. So I'm just basically here typing to keep my mind off of food if I can.

I have "comforted" myself with the thought that I've read often here - I'm not forbidden from eating my favorite foods forever, just for now. There will be a point in the future where I can eat them again if I want to. Maybe my wants will have changed by then - although I have to confess even now I have this kind of fantasy that once I reach goal, I can go back to eating the way I was since I just finished maintaining for a few months eating like crap.

But for now, as long as I can stick to the program, I will consider that a victory. I can't expect to suddenly have completely different attitudes about food overnight. I still love it. I still want it. I still can't be trusted with it and I still could make unhealthy choices about it.

Today, at least, realizing that I can eat something again in an hour or two is helping. Even if I drink seventeen pitchers of Crystal Light in that time frame (OK, so I know THAT many calories would add up quickly, but I'm exaggerating a little bit for effect ) I'm making a better choice than drinking a case of Pepsi or something. One day at a time - I think I'll head off to search the posts a little and see how other people's first days went. I could use some camaraderie on this issue at the moment.

**NEWS FLASH**
Apparently hunger passes. It's been a few hours since I posted the majority of this message and after reading some other threads and putting the baby to bed, it was time for my next supplement. I was dying when I took my daughter upstairs, but after reading her a story I noticed while I was rocking her that I didn't feel that gnawing hunger anymore. Then right after I ate, I was starving again - but now I know it'll go away and in 40 minutes I'll have my last meal of the day. To reach my goals I don't see how I can let myself cave when I know it'll be better in a few minutes. I just can't let myself think about it, that's all.

Now, my husband is having major munchies tonight. So I've watched him eat an enormous dinner, oranges, and now pretzels. And while it may be "day 1 euphoria" talking I don't miss how that feels. Would I love some popcorn? Duh, of course. But I have basically not been able to feel full every single night. I'm looking forward to this plan changing that, or at least teaching me that I don't have to give in.

Well, I'm going to go get a glass of Crystal Light (only my 3rd of the day, but everyone told me not to worry about how much of that I have right away) to tide me over till 10, and then another shake. I'm feeling a little bad that I didn't order more non-shake items - I used to love the minestrone and that sounds really good right now - but next time I'll know. I was just worried that having quasi-food would keep me in old habits, so I thought all liquid was the way to go.

That's all for today. I have a feeling I'm going to be very present on here the next couple of days at least, trying to get the hang of things and stay strong. Thank goodness this place exists. That's not the first time I've said that, and I know it won't be the last. Thank you all for the support. And Karli, if you're reading, keep up the good work while you're away! I'm afraid I'm going to be a little caught up in myself for a while and I might not be able to offer a lot to others - but I hope to make up for that someday.