The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[bikipatra]

Anyway, I like fresh arrangements .

Also, though I know there are some lines that can be crossed, obsessive, compulsive behavior to some extent is often quite healthy. It's human nature, even. And actually, I know some piano teachers who relish this particular behavior in some of their students . I don't really know Nickie, but I don't feel worried about her.


Karli

I dont really know Nickie either but she herself refers to her obsessions with things such as the remote control (I believe) and her compulsions QUITE often. I believe to all sorts of things. I didn't say she was, but what harm is a screening, especially since she hopes to see a therapist again? As someone who has used therapy to her benefit in her past I would think you would want this for Nickie. And hate to mention it, but I would take on anyone on this board for my number of psych hospital admissions and you learn a lot there.

[Karli]

I dont really know Nickie either but she herself refers to her obsessions with things such as the remote control (I believe) and her compulsions QUITE often. I believe to all sorts of things. I didn't say she was, but what harm is a screening, especially since she hopes to see a therapist again? As someone who has used therapy to her benefit in her past I would think you would want this for Nickie. And hate to mention it, but I would take on anyone on this board for my number of psych hospital admissions and you learn a lot there.

hee hee... well, I am certainly not trying to take you "on" nor anybody else. Maybe that's not quite what you meant. And, just so you know, I don't judge you for what you deal with in your life. I support Nickie's health, most definitely. So, I am not sure what you mean by mentioning what you think I would want for Nickie. If therapy is what she or anybody else needs and wants, I support it all the way.

I guess I take what Nickie says as somewhat of a light-hearted addressing of habits she is realizing in her life. And, I don't think that everybody who has some obsessive behavior has a problem with it, that's all I am saying. I think there's a large amount of it that is instrinsic to human nature. But sure, maybe a screening would be good. It's just I don't personally get the feeling that she is anymore compulsive or obsessive than your more average, intense person. I think Nickie is just a pretty intense individual, but that can be a very good thing. That's just my impression. I know a number of very intense people who don't have a balance "problem" and some who do. I am sure you also have these acquaintances in your life.

She just seems quite balanced in many ways to me and as though she is taking steps that she needs. I am not trying to talk you or her out of anything that may benefit her. I'm just chiming in with my usual opinions.

[nickieluv]

Biki and Karli;

Thank you for being so concerned about me! I know you both want me to be healthy and happy.

I do say a lot about being mildly OCD. I know, though, that OCD is a very serious condition and nothing to joke about. I have talked about it with counselors - because my 'quirks' always seem to come up whatever the initial consultation was supposed to be about.

I don't think I REALLY have OCD. What I have are issues about control. When things feel out of control in my life, I find tiny insignificant things that I CAN control and I go overboard with them. Some of these things are losing their hold on me as I address my emotional baggage - like the remote thing. I prefer that the volume be on an even number or a multiple of 5. I would actually cringe and my heart would race if my husband had the remote and left it on 29 or something. But now I realize that just because I would PREFER something to be a certain way, that doesn't mean it HAS to be. So now when I have the remote, I put it on the number I want. When someone else has it, I just accept that they don't have my same preferences.

Also I am starting to let go of other housework issues. If I'm not doing it, then why does it have to be my way? I have put a lot of stress on my husband because when he does something, instead of saying thank you, I tell him how he did it wrong. And I have to follow around after him and fix things. We're talking silly things, like the glasses in the cupboard alternating up and down, the towels in the linen closet all facing the same way. When he would load the dishwasher and I would unload it, I'd have a fit every time about how much more could have fit in there but he loads haphazardly (in my opinion). But now I am realizing that when I do things, I can do them however I want - and other people have that exact same right. I have created stress for myself, too, by worrying so much about unimportant things.

Now some things will not change, I'm sure. I like things in neat piles. I always eat one food at a time, not going on to the next one until the first one is gone. I like to arrange things symmetrically. But as long as I am not hurting anyone else, or myself, by being particular about some things, I don't see the problem. I am really learning to let go - and it's not like I lie awake at night worrying that my area rug is off-center or something. If I see it, I fix it - maybe - if I'm in the mood. So really, things are changing a lot for me with MF and everything that I am able to realize now that I'm not thinking about what food to eat next.

Thank you guys again for your concern. I do appreciate it. I value both of your opinions and if you see things in my posts, please mention them. And if what I've just written seems like justification or a cover-up, tell me that, too. But I feel good about what just came out - it's helped me realize this new NSV about my behavior.

[nickieluv]

Oh, and Donica - a few years ago our district went from 2 weeks of vacation at Christmas to one week then, and one in February for President's Day. We still have summers off - we just relocated the vacations. It's so nice to have a long break to look forward to in December, February, and April. I love it!

[bikipatra]

Just FYI, there are degrees of OCD. I have a bit of it myself. As long as these issues don't really bother you or interfere with the quality of your life, then go on with your bad self. But, I still think that you have to admit that these characteristics are a bit extreme and not what most would call normal. We each have our personality quirks and yours seem to fall under the umbrella of a "touch" of OCD.

[nickieluv]

Well, I feel OK saying I have a "touch" of it, then. If it does start to interfere with my life I will take it more seriously. I'm sure my husband will let me know if that happens!

Well, weigh-in in the morning - very excited to see if I made the 20# club this week. So close!!!!! I even didn't have a snack today just in case that would help.

I was feeling good today, and we had to go out to help some friends at a show. I saw myself reflected in the doors and thought 'wow, I'm still really big!' Then I was looking at other people's reflections to see if they looked bigger, too - but no, it was just me looking huge. I went from feeling tall and thin to short and dumpy in about 5 seconds. But, I know I will get there someday. It just showed me that my self-image is still not very accurate - and also how powerful a little self-confidence can be if it makes my mind see something so wrong in the mirror. On the good side, the goal pants I bought are much closer to fitting after only two weeks. I didn't put them on, only held them up in front of me, but there's about an inch less of me on either side of the waistband. Makes me wish I'd done measurements - it would be interesting to see what's changed. But I still admit that keeping track of one number is enough for me - and now I have two, really, since I'm counting days of compliance (20!).

Well, I'm going to finish my hot cocoa and head to bed. I probably won't have time to post before church in the morning but I'll be on tomorrow sometime - for all of you who will be waiting with bated breath to hear of my spectacular weight loss this week. Oh, you mean it's only me who's waiting? Bummer.

[bikipatra]

I can relate. I don't do the reflection thing but I still look around to see if I'm the fattest person in the room and boys don't count. I do it automatically. See, I told you I have a little OCD!!! Congrats on that compliance number. Now that is something to be really proud of!!! I've lost weight before and not been compliant and felt like a real fraud.

[Serendipity]

Nickie,

I still watch myself walk by store windows and I still check out a room to see where I fit sizewise. The good news is that I like what I see in the window and I'm usually the smallest one in the room. Not that I'm terribly small, but almost everyone is at least a little bit overweight these days.

I don't have OCD, but I think that's normal, hehe.

[bikipatra]

I don't have OCD, but I think that's normal, hehe.

Nickie,

I still watch myself walk by store windows

I do that but just to see if I look as hot as I think I do that day...denial is a strong force....

[katieb920]

Nickie, Good job on staying compliant. I know the feeling about thinking that you still look like the same weight even though you have lost a good amount of weight. But when clothes are starting to feel Larger on me that is when I know that I am losing. Good luck today on weigh in.

[nickieluv]

Yesterday was fun. I switched bedroom furniture with my sister. We didn't switch actual beds because I find that weird for some reason - my husband and I slept on a mattress that my father and his third wife had and it was always weird to know what they DID on that mattress. I was never so happy to buy one of our own! Of course now we have the sleep number and it's awesome - I'd never switch with anybody!

But anyway, now we have a new headboard and side dressers and I really like it. I was able to get rid of my small vanity, a small bedside stand, and a mounted corner shelf, so the room is not nearly as cluttered anymore - and we moved the bike in and it fits fine. I haven't ridden it yet, though. I don't know if I will today or wait until tomorrow. Being on vacation it's odd to try to make a schedule because nothing is normal. I think I really need to do it every day or I won't do it at all - just 20 minutes in the mornings. That's what I was doing in the fall, even though I wasn't dieting, and it seemed to work for me. I would take Saturdays off. We are working on getting our weight machine set up again so maybe when that happens, I'll alternate days or something, but still do something 6 days a week so I stay in the habit.

I was thinking yesterday about not having had sugar in 21 days. Except what's in the supplements, of course - is that real sugar? I think I feel better - I'm not sure. I feel better in so many ways, I mean, that I'm not sure what to attribute to the 'detox,' if anything. But it's gotten me thinking about maintenance, and whether if I have one sugary dessert it will throw me right back on the path to destruction. I have a year still before that happens, at least, and who knows if I will even want these things - as Jo said, that pie doesn't call to her at all. I'm just worrying about something I don't need to worry about yet - so I'll try to set it aside for now.

I did not make the 20# club yesterday for weigh-in, but today I was down another .6lb from ticker so I know I'll get there next week. It is still really exciting when I think about how the scale is moving. Even though this week was a smaller loss, I think 2.2lbs is still great for one week - and it's right on what I want my average to be, 2lbs a week. I have to remember that the 5.6lbs week I had will be evened out someday in order to keep that 2lbs average. But I really believe I'm going to reach goal. I have to keep saying that. I will get there. And someday I will see my reflection out in public and it will look the way I picture myself mentally - and someday too I will see it and not recognize myself and have to adjust my mental picture to an even smaller me. I think my mental weight is about 180. So it will be interesting as I drop below 180 to see if I still see myself as fat. The mind is really very powerful.

Time to eat - oh, and even with all the moving and running around yesterday, I ate all of my meals and even made a L&G. I wanted to just keep working but I made myself stop and eat when it was time. This compliance number is my own personal challenge - how high will I go?

[bikipatra]

I think you can go all the way with the compliance number. After it was drilled into my head enough, I discovered it was the EASIER way just like JO had said all along. Congrats on your loss. I had a gain one week and you don't want to go there, so any loss is a good one!

[nickieluv]

Okay - I binged tonight. I am not going to go into my rationalizations, but instead I want to get some things off my chest that I think may have caused it. No one thing is ringing true yet - I've been thinking about this a lot - so maybe it is a big combination of things. Some possible factors:

1) I realized this afternoon that when I weighed in this morning at 144.2 I was not completely unclothed, and it occurred to me that I might have actually hit 20 pounds lost today after all. Actually meeting that goal led to thoughts like 'you deserve it, you've been so good, one meal won't kill you.' And I gave in.

2) I was overly tired from all the furniture moving yesterday, and while I did not feel hungry, I was vulnerable to temptation.

3) Yesterday was 3 weeks compliant, and that means I have to start exercising. I don't like exercising. Maybe I was trying to have an excuse to start over and have to wait another 3 weeks. Also, I've never been good on any diet this long and maybe my willpower was strained.

4) Yesterday I talked with my mom and sister for almost 2 hours about dieting and life, and some pretty emotional things came up about my father, and rather than dealing with the feelings I just brushed it all off and kept myself busy all day with the furniture and other things. Today I felt especially bothered by my husband's eating and jealous of what he could have.

After it was over, I actually felt satisfied in some way. It met some need, I just have to figure out exactly what. I wasn't hungry. I wasn't lonely. I wasn't really bored. I am avoiding paying bills and some other small tasks that are piling up, because it stresses me out - maybe that was part of it. I am still in a certain amount of denial, thinking I can go right back on program tomorrow and by Sunday's weigh-in it won't matter anymore what I did tonight.

I did my usual - thought of calling my husband to confess in advance, come here to talk it through in advance - but I felt entitled and I ordered pizza. It was pretty good for the first three bites or so. I ate half of the pizza - actually a little more because I ate the crust off a 5th piece.

I'm not sure what I want to happen from here. I know I want to go back on plan tomorrow and move forward. But I'm afraid it's going to be really hard, and I'm going to be stuck in a tailspin for another month and gain all my weight back. Then on the other hand I'm afraid it's going to be really easy to go back on plan and that will lead me to think I can 'get away' with this kind of thing more often.

I really was proud of myself, and proud of my compliance number. I was feeling really confident - I even had my husband take back all my self-help books to the library today because I thought I had this licked. I do know now that the eating is not about eating. It was about fear or anger or rebellion or something else, but not about eating. I didn't want to stop it - or I would have. I feel stuffed full, and sick to my stomach. I'm going to be pushing the liquids (the non-caloric liquids!) for the rest of the night. I want to flush this all out. If only the emotional stuff were as easy to flush.

I want to go back to where I said the words 'get away with this kind of thing.' I am not getting away with anything. There is no one here policing what I eat. I am not breaking any laws by binging. I am an adult and as such I can eat whatever I choose. But somehow, I still feel like I am taking control when I binge - saying to hell with everybody else, I'm going to do whatever I want. I want to go back to the counselor but I don't even want to discuss dieting at all. I think this is about my father and my fears and my parenting and the fact that I resent always having to be the responsible one and never the fun one. I married my father and turned into my mother. And I rebel against that feeling by being irresponsible with my eating, and with other things that I think I can 'get away with.' It's like cutting class in school, or cheating on a test. I have a right to do those things because damn it, I'm sick of always doing the right thing all the time. Even when I know the right thing is what is best for me.

OK - I am going on plan tomorrow and it is not going to be difficult (or at least, I will not give in if it is difficult), I am not going to have a tailspin, I will start over with day 1 of compliance again, and just in case the exercise thing was a factor, I'm going to exercise so that I don't feel I was able to avoid it by cheating. I am on a long journey and I had a stumble and I brought it upon myself and should have seen it coming and had another plan to deal with it. I'm going to think about a list, as has been suggested to me, of things I can do when I feel the urge to binge. Real things that I will actually do - or can make myself do - obviously coming here or calling my husband do not work so I need other ideas that will.

I know I can do this. Now I have proven it to myself, not like in January when I really wasn't sure of myself. I had a setback and it will not be like it was last time. And I'm going to balance the checkbook and pay bills and order more food and get in the BeSlim club and head on to the rest of my 100 pounds I need to lose.

I am ashamed, though. I feel like I've let people down - or like I've been a liar this whole time somehow. Just because I failed today. I am feeling anxiety that everyone here is going to just tell me to get lost because obviously I'm not serious about this if I can throw away 21 days of compliance like that. I don't know what I need to hear or even if I need to hear anything. I don't want to be abandoned but I know what I did was wrong. And I want to say I'll stay away and not come back until I can report I made it all week compliant again, but I know me and I know I'll be back again and again, probably even once (or twice) more tonight, holding my breath to see what I'll find here.

It's just so frustrating that I know what to do and now have had so much success, and even still I make bad choices.

[Carrie]

Well Nickie, I never thought you were perfect.

Look, you made this choice. You've looked at it and decided it wasn't the best choice for you. So take that knowledge and make better choices from this moment on. Cut the binge off now and get right back on your plan. Continue your processing of why you did it and follow that up with affirmations of why you want to make different choices.

Stop your emotional brain that's saying 'I deserve this, no one can tell me what to do, etc', and focus on your thinking brain that's telling you what you want in the long run - what your true intention is about your body and weight.

You can do this, I believe in you.

Carrie

[bikipatra]

Nickie, you haven't done anything that most of us haven't done. For me there is no shame or blame in it. If you want to be a Medifaster, be one and start again.